Читать книгу Overheard - Mark Love - Страница 20

A team of experienced and not-so-experienced comedy writers are assembled to discuss the latest material submitted for a popular TV sketch show. A heated discussion has taken place for some thirty minutes on whether an apple can ever be funny.

OLDER WRITER: Look, all I’m saying is that if the camera pulls away to reveal that he has got a sausage stuck up his arse, that is funny. If he’s got an apple stuck up his arse, it isn’t. Simple as that.

PRODUCER: Well, I can see your point, but isn’t an apple just a bit amusing? I mean, we all laughed.

OLDER WRITER: Yes, well, we’re professionals…>

YOUNGER WRITER: Oh for god’s sake!

OLDER WRITER: No, listen. I’ve been in this game…

YOUNGER WRITER: Man and boy.

OLDER WRITER:…man and boy nigh on fifteen years and I can tell you that I’ve never, ever got a laugh out of a piece of fruit.

PRODUCER: Oh come on, bananas are funny.

OLDER WRITER: Not really fruit though, are they?

YOUNGER WRITER: Er, yes.

PRODUCER: Look, can’t we all just agree that the camera should pull back and reveal that he has something that is amusing, be it fruit or animal derivative, sticking out of his arse?

FEMALE WRITER: Forgive me for pointing this out, but won’t a sausage look a bit like a turd?

PRODUCER: Oh, now there’s a point!

OLDER WRITER: Look, if it was a crab apple, I can see how that would be funny.

YOUNGER WRITER: How would the viewer know it was a sodding crab apple?

PRODUCER: Look, let’s leave that one and move on to the wine expert sketch. Basically what happens is we set up the idea that our celebrity wine expert has a new tasting programme on TV. Roll credits, opening shot shows our celebrity wine expert lookalike gobbing off the stage manager. There’s puffing, panting and groaning, then our wine expert wipes her mouth and to camera says, ‘Hmm, I’m getting ripe berries, sunkissed privet hedge, bus stops…’ Blah, blah, blah. Any thoughts?

OLDER WRITER: Look, how many more bloody times? Berries, apples, any kind of bloody fruit. They’re just not funny, all right?