Читать книгу The bird's milk. A humorous story with a light touch of satire - Марсель Салимов - Страница 4

There is an opinion in the in-crowd that a real man should have five keys in his pocket. So, Kumakaev actually had five keys. Certainly, it was too much, but one would sacrifice anything for prestige. Just as the Papuan would not be able to live without rings in his nose and ears, so Kumakaev would not be himself without those keys in his pocket. He would be somebody else.

The first key was the heaviest one, with sharp edges and notches. It means that Kumakaev has a particular position, and it is a big one. Though he does not have an official seal, he has a large safe at his disposal. It does not matter that there are no documents with classified information inside the safe (all the activities of our hero, that is what he does at work, are kept secret, and nobody knows anything about it), but one can find a bottle of cognac there (an ordinary beverage that he keeps in the office safe), jars of Bashkir honey, bottles of Bashkir balm, and other interesting souvenirs, which one can use to uphold popularity among the ladies, like the wife of Akbar, who, as you know, almost fainted from happiness when she heard Kumakaev's name.

The second key – the most widespread in the world. Kumakaev uses it to open his four-room apartment with all the imaginable and unimaginable amenities. You enter this sort of apartment, like some fairy tale (i.e. with pleasure), and you come out with one question in your head – why was the state so generous to Kumakaev? There were the carpeted linoleum on the floor, the mahogany panels, the polished wardrobes built in the walls, as well as tile, parquet, phones, and even massive jugs in the corners, which used to be exhibited in the museum of local lore.

The third key is also of a particular value. It opens the three-storeyed cottage with the attic. Some people compare the cottage of Kumakaev with the palace of famous tsar Gvidon from the Pushkin's fairy tale. But this is very superficial judgment. The funny tsar cannot be even compared to Kumakaev! Gvidon had no water, no electricity, and no elevator. And if one compares their saunas, there is nothing in common at all, except for the birch broom. Besides, after the sauna His Majesty was rushing to the palace in a state of nature, waving aside mosquitoes and catarrhal viruses with whatever was in his hand, while Kumakaev is walking majestically to his chambers through the tiled corridor. But this is not the most important thing. Gvidon cannot be compared to Kumakaev in the sense that tsar paid for all these pleasures from his treasury, while Kumakaev did not spend a penny out of his own money. This is amazing! Compared to this, even Gvidon's squirrel, which was supposedly gnawing nuts with gold shells at his palace, was not that impressive! It is not worth even mentioning. And there are no such nuts in the world. It is nothing but a beautiful myth for fools. Things made of this precious metal cannot impress Kumakaev, as he has quite many of them.

The fourth key was the smallest and the most inconspicuous one, but it was also quite valuable. It was from his new foreign car. Kumakaev had both «Zhiguli» and «Volga», but that was long ago. Those were the mistakes of youth. Everybody makes them. Now, Kumakaev is even ashamed to remember those cars, although, he is not a car enthusiast. He likes neither to drive a car nor to maintain it. Simply, it is impossible for a person of his position not to have a personal foreign car. People will not understand. In fact, Kumakaev likes to drive his official car. Ziyafat and Amodest also like it. Usually, while he is busy, Ziyafat manages to drive around the entire city and to do all the things, and then she gives the «official» to Amodest, who also has many places to be.

And finally, there was the fifth key. It was special. On the one hand, it did not belong to Kumakaev. On the other hand, it was his key. For the last two months, with the help of this key Kumakaev could enjoy the company of Markhaba whenever he wanted. This is a woman, who believes that Kumakaev loves her and will marry her soon. Markhaba reminds many other women, whom Kumakaev knows. Is it the matter of prestige? Yes. Does it mean that he has plenty of energy and time? Yes. Is it the result of bad upbringing? Perhaps, it is so. Indeed, not every man collects his romantic victories, but for self-confidence, one should be sure that Kumakaev considers himself to be irresistible. By the way, he does not even know how old Markhaba is. He is too busy to ask. When she is dressed up, she looks like a twenty-year-old woman, if not, then she looks older than fifty.

Kumakaev thoughtfully uses all five keys. When he is alone in his office, he looks pleased. He only needs to seem serious and respectable in front of people. And why does he need to pretend when he is alone? That's hard to look smart when he does not think about people and their concerns. Now, Kumakaev thinks where to go again to get some air, where and how to have some fun during the upcoming business trip. Indeed, his mind is primarily occupied with his favourite women, who are waiting for him, Kumakaev, in all regions of our great Motherland. He can go there, he can go here… What's the point in listing all the destinations? One cannot even list all the pleasant thoughts and routes in the life of Kumakaev!