Читать книгу Petals - Marti Eicholz - Страница 9

Life Changing

Mary entered a new existence, an unusual sluggishness. Her breasts felt tingly, sore, full, and even painful. She noticed darkening areolas. With these strange, intense new feelings, she looked in the mirror and shouted, “I hate me. With a flip of a switch, I’m no longer me.”

Her moods went haywire. One minute she was up and the next she was lying in bed sobbing. Adam suggested they see a doctor. The doctor had a blood test drawn. Beaming, the doctor announced, “I have the results of your tests. Congratulations! You are expecting a baby. You’re embarking on the journey of a lifetime.”

Mary sat stunned and in complete shock. Adam took her shaking hand. She trembled uncontrollably with cries of despair and hopelessness. “I can’t do this.” Adam held her. The doctor recommended an anxiety medication to calm her.

Adam took time off from work to attend to Mary and her intense irritability and anger. Once the right dosage of medication seemed to stabilize Mary’s condition, Adam was back on the road. Mary worked out a new schedule with Sam to work from home on several projects. This gave her flexibility and comfortable surroundings, managing her morning sickness symptoms.

At one-point Mary called her mother to share the news. Thelma responded with, “Take all the medication they will give you because you will need it. Now you will know what it is like to be a parent.” Hanging up Mary thought there is a part of me that is glad I left home. Growing up on the farm was not exactly my idea of the perfect setting for an upbringing. It is beautiful; full of greenery, the rose garden, the apple orchard, but I never felt like I belonged. My brothers loved the place yet when they got the chance they left. For as long as I can remember I wanted to leave. I finally did, but I wonder if my place of escape is the most ideal.

Mary paused and then continued with her thoughts when I look at what the ideal is, I get lost and find myself confused about what that means. Everyone has a different perception and how that is to be. People are not perfect. I have known this since I was a small child and having an endless amount of bad days.

Mary followed her mother’s advice and took all the medication allowed because she needed it.

Mary overwhelmed with fatigue often because of her inability to sleep and no appetite. She had spells where she sat in a fog all confused with worry thoughts. With great care, Adam managed Mary’s prenatal care and her anxiety medication.

The shower comforted, as the water dripped down past her shoulders, through her silken hair, and continuing over her large stomach. It expanded out to prove that another being lived within her. Two heartbeats were within one stout body. Her back ached as her entire weight relied upon it.

After the months of pregnancy, the hours of labor, and the eternity of pushing, suddenly there was this tiny creature on Mary’s chest. Dazed, she looked into his face saying, “How did I just do that? You came OUT OF ME?”

Mary had a moment of JOY and then thinking, ‘Thank god that’s over!’ Terror set in because she had not the slightest clue what to do.

As Mary continued to stare at her newborn trying to process, she found it indescribable. She finally said, ‘Adam, I keep saying, ‘Hi!’ enjoy meeting a stranger I already knew.’

Overwhelmed with love and excitement, Adam whispered, “Mary, for months everywhere you went this little guy tagged along. He is your buddy. You already ‘know’ each other.”

Adam, admiring his son continued, “It’s so great to meet you. I will be here for you forever. Mary, let us name him Scott.”

Mary retorted with, “Scott is fine. Scotty is better.” She turned over and fell asleep. The birth certificate read Scott Miller. Everyone called the little one Scotty.

Adam and Mary went through pregnancy, labor, and delivery. The birth triggered a jumble of powerful emotions, from excitement and joy to fear and anxiety. Now they were ready to go home with their new baby. It was exciting yet, scary.

Fixing her gaze on her newborn, she glanced at Adam, “He looks so fragile.” As she tried to cradle him, Mary felt intimidated.

Nervous, she stared thinking newborns have many needs, like the proper way to handle him, soothing, bathing, feeding, burping, and diaper changing. The scariest are the circumcision and umbilical cord. How do I care for these? I do not understand what to do.

Unhappy and terrified, Mary cried out, “I’ve made a mistake.” Her thoughts of ‘mistake’ and ‘what have I done?’ got worse before they got better. She wondered how she could get her old life back.

In the quietest of voices, she muttered, ‘I need a few minutes for myself.’ Turning and hiding her face into her pillow she rested.

Before leaving the hospital, the nurses were a great help to show Mary how to hold, burp, change, and care for her baby. Adam talked with the doctor and together they found a responsible neighborhood teen to help for a time after the birth.

Mindy’s mom was a nurse and Mindy were the oldest of four. She was cute with a great love for babies. Mindy talked to Scotty. The little one found her voice calming. He would make sounds and Mindy would answer, making for quite a conversation. Mindy read to the baby to help him develop and understand sounds and words. Mindy had a love for music so, she sang songs and played music to help Scotty’s brain develop a love for music too.

Mary was never a fashionista but began to favor sweatshirts and T-shirts a rather frumpy look for her.

Mindy encouraged Mary to take care of herself. She knew if Mary felt good about herself, she would be a better parent, loving and positive. Mary spent most of her time working on her sewing projects. Several times Mindy found Mary huddled over her sewing machine sobbing. Other times Mary would withdraw and sleep. Mindy had limited interaction with Mary during these periods. There was a time she cranked up the music, sang and danced---then, on another occasion she ran around the house naked.

One day she confessed to Mindy, “You are a good mother to my son. I will never be a good mother. I am unprepared. In fact, I am afraid I will hurt him.”

Mindy had no response. The next time Mindy saw Adam she conveyed her concerns. 'I don’t think Mary is bonding with Scotty. She withdraws, does not eat, and seems angry most of the time. I see her trails. In my mind I refer to them as 'the roller coaster.' I feel her sadness. She is not thinking. I think Sam will notice it in her work. I do not know how to take her pain away, so my strategy is to ignore her depressive or manic episodes and that is not good. No one should ignore her pain. I am fearful she could also be emotionally and physically abusive.'

Adam was grateful sighting, “Mindy, I am proud of your courage to share your insights. You are good for Scotty.”

“Mr. Miller, I am leaving for the university soon. You will need to find my replacement. I love Scotty and will miss him.” At that moment Adam felt like his world and Scotty’s world was coming to an end.

Adam talked with Mary about getting a larger living space. “Mary, I think it is time we find another place to live, a place of our own. We need a fresh place with a special room for your projects, a play space for Scotty, and I could use a private zone.”

For a moment, Mary was ecstatic then, restlessness set in. It seemed like a huge dark cloud overwhelmed her with worry thoughts, anxiety, and reduced concentration. Confused, she dropped to her feet and wept.

Adam knew it was time to see their doctor. After a thorough examination and a series of assessments, the medical staff determined that Mary had a bipolar disorder, a psychiatric condition that can disrupt a person’s life and ability to function.

The soft-spoken doctor explained, “Mary, we can manage your symptoms. This disorder distorts your view of yourself and the world. The right medications can be like a pair of eyeglasses, helping you to see things again.”

To not rush, the doctor paused and then continued, “Medications and psychotherapy are an essential part of treatment. They will not cure you, but they will help you keep your moods in balance so you can do the things you need and want to do. You can lead a normal and fulfilled life.” This was very painful to hear.

Its horrified Mary to think of herself as mentally ill. She needed to seek Adam’s love and support for this scary illness, “Adam, I have a disease that is both misunderstood and stigmatized. It is like a life sentence. I’m relieved to discover the cause of my bizarre behavior yet; I don’t understand it.”

Adam held her tight assuring, “Mary, having a mental illness is just as having heart disease or any other health condition. It is not anything to be ashamed of. The more we talk about it; the more people will get the help they need for loved ones or themselves.” Adam turned to a crying Scotty.

With the doctor’s expertise and the combination of medications, they saw improvement. Mary returned to psychotherapy, feeling ashamed. She so hated to relive the terrible times in her mind. During therapy Mary often remembered the family enjoying having someone to help them talk through their hurt and sad times instead of letting it fester, only to explode later. But there was always something glossed over, swept under the rug, or buried. Many of her appointments were crying sessions.

Mary had maxed out the charge cards with impulse purchases month after month. Adam was now juggling the tight budget to afford Mary’s weekly therapy appointments and her buffet spread of pills. He never once complained, but it was still a bumpy, painful road.

Adam plugged away thinking and planning on moving to a larger space. He felt it would give new energy and anticipation that would give a spark to their lives.

His dream place was to live in a detached house surrounded by a big garden full of flowers and trees. Their present place was an apartment with blocks of other apartments and a few rude neighbors making a noise in the middle of the night.

After a night of ruckus in the neighborhood, Adam announced, 'Mary, it is time we find new living quarters. The noise, chaos and air pollution bring on negative feelings. We need to live in a place close to the serenity of nature; our minds, bodies and spirits will fill with positive energies.

Mary interrupted, 'You must think the places we spend our life affects our moods.'

“Yes, you got it! So, let us look for a place with flowers, trees, and birds. It will be good for all of us. Scotty will love romping outdoors,” Adam showing enthusiasm.

There present location offered several opportunities. Geographically, it was a rather unusual part of the country. Center was a growing city with four smaller communities one in each direction. These small peaceful towns were like any other small-town America nestled in the countryside; everybody knows your name and remembers. Each has a square and in the middle is the courthouse, the place where the old-timers gather and talk about times gone by. The area at large had a special feature, its privately-owned transit service. A contractor provided the city and the smaller communities with a convenient and affordable transportation whether for goods or people.

Mary remained deep in thought this apartment is shoulder to shoulder with all the others as if welded at birth. It knows the rain and sunshine as the same. It stands firm against the wind yet lets in brilliant light even as it blows. These walls hear my pain, my silent screams, and the shrill ones. They hear my laughter too. I painted these walls with my soul. I wish things were easier, but who would I be without the hurt.

Adam, Mary, and Scotty headed down a narrow road bordered on each side by a terrace of small houses. The last rays of the late afternoon sun fell slanting through windowpanes.

On the outskirts of town at the far end of a long-graveled driveway and standing on a slight rise was a detached chalet-style bungalow, looking over a broad spread of farmland. This bungalow, a one-story house included an additional half story with a sloped roof, nestled in a pocket of light, semi-woodland looking neglected, except for a recently mowed lawn.

Adam had daydreaming thoughts I believe we can find true peace and happiness here, a place with fresh water and air. There is plenty of space for a garden where I would like to grow my own tomatoes, green peppers, parsleys, eggplants. Scotty could have lots of pets. We could have a large cage filled with different species of birds like peacocks or parrots. Watching colorful birds flying above our heads may bring back Mary’s smile. Its closeness to the city center for emergency situations and supplying the necessities is right.

A small handcrafted For Sale sign rested on the front lawn next to a small rose garden once carefully planned and loved now riddled with weeds. There seemed to be no one around, isolated, and lonely. Passing an oval window, they noticed the sunlight shone through, lying on the tiled floor like sweet honey. The warm glow was mesmerizing, a treasure in what seemed to be a grey bleak world.

This property had seen better days. Noticing the faded and discolored paint, he imagined years ago when the blue paint was a smooth unbroken layer and the window frames were a brilliant white on top of new wood. He walked to the little porch which adjoined the kitchen and stood gazing out, visualizing what could be.

Adam contemplated I do not have the money for a piece of land with a house unless I renovate what no-one else wants. He concluded for my family this is perfect.

Mary stood dreaming of the front yard decorated with beautiful flowers, roses, lilies, violets, dahlias, daises and much more. Flowers give me a wonderful world which makes me feel happy. Their inner petals make me think about discovering inner worlds that are so personal and so removed from what you see on the outside.

The next time they visited the place, standing on its own and resting on a knoll was with a real estate agent. It was easy to tell without opening the door that it would have dampness, be dirty with fixtures out of date. As the agent moved nervously unlocking the door, she reduced the selling price.

The house had a welcoming appeal from the open door to the wide hallway. Upon the walls were family photographs. A photograph of a door opened a crack and a hazel eye peeking out captured Mary’s attention. She wanted that photograph.

Mary was curious. “Tell me about the family who lived here. Most of all, tell me about the woman in this photograph, a woman sitting in an armchair reading a book as the sun shines brightly through the windowpane.”

The agent told the life of Elizabeth and George.

'Elizabeth and George lived in this house all of their adult life. After George passed, Elizabeth spent her time sitting on the grey sofa of this living room with the sunlight beaming through the white blinds, as she said, ‘presenting the morning sun against George’s sculpted face’.

She had a favorite book. Each morning she grabbed her book off the shelf sit in the armchair by the window and gingerly trace the spine of the book. The sun gave her natural light. She flipped open to a page and read word by word, until the sun fully covered with darkness. Then she placed the book back in its designated spot which she would take tomorrow for another round of reading with the sunlight shining through the window.

Elizabeth passed recently sitting in the armchair by the window on a rainy day when the sun never shined.'

This story intrigued Mary. She noticed a book resting on the seat of the armchair. “Is this the book she read?”

Surprised, the agent admitted, “Yes, it is. I cannot believe someone left this. The family had their designated representative pack up everything they wanted. I am not expecting them to return.”

“Then if we buy this property the sale price includes everything? Is that correct?” Mary questioned.

'According to the documents that is correct. The only living relatives are two distant cousins living in Scotland and never connected to Elizabeth and George nor have they traveled to the States. In answer to your question, yes, it is being sold 'as is’.

Mary returned to the armchair by the window where the sun beams highlighted the treasured book. She picked up the treasure and flipped open a page. A flower petal fell from the page. A startled Mary quickly picked it up, returned it to its rightful place. Holding the book with great care she turned to the front page which read, “These petals are the flower memories of Elizabeth and George. The petals carry the chapters and the passages in between as memories inside the book of their lives.”

Adam came to this meeting prepared, having negotiated a financial arrangement within their limits with the bank. Adam and the agent discussed options, compromised, and came to an agreement. The agent scheduled an inspection and had all deficits to the property remedied. Adam and Mary were happy owners, feeling relaxed and confident as they started the renovations envisioned.