Читать книгу Not Ready for Granny Panties--The 11 Commandments for Avoiding Granny Panties - Mary Fran Bontempo - Страница 3

It happens to the best of us.

One particular day, a day that starts like any other, you look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at you.

She looks sort of familiar, but you don’t quite recognize her, until it hits you with such force that your knees buckle and you think you’re going to throw up.

You are staring at a cranky, worn-out woman who looks far older than her years. A woman who looks like fun has become a four-letter word. A woman who looks like (get out a paper bag before you hyperventilate) your grandmother and happens to be you.

Maybe it’s the gray hairs seizing control of your head. Perhaps it’s the wardrobe that has devolved into a uniform of t-shirts and sweats accompanied by ratty gym shoes and topped off by a pilled cardigan. It might be the lines on your face that suddenly remind you of a roadmap to Hell.

But more likely, it’s just a feeling, of invisible, gnarled hands clutching at you and trying to wedge you firmly and completely into a pair of…GRANNY PANTIES.

Actually, you might already be wearing Granny Panties, both literally and figuratively. Literal Granny Panties are just that—panties that your granny would wear. You know the ones; they cover your entire butt, half of your thighs and rise up to just beneath your boobs. That’s a horror story in itself, but it’s not what we’re here to talk about.

We’re here to talk about the figurative Granny Panties, the ones which are as much a state of mind as a pair of oversized bloomers. The Granny Panties that keep us from being, and having, FUN.

Women of a certain age are like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan, only not boys and a lot older. Once we hit life’s middle ground, society starts to ignore us, occasionally swatting at us like a swarm of annoying gnats hovering on a sweaty summer afternoon.

We’re the Lost Women, the ones who’ve crossed over into marketing “no man’s (or woman’s) land,” having just exited the golden 18-49 year old demographic. We’re the women who don’t care what a “tweet” is. The ladies who have spent so much time taking care of everyone else that we’ve forgotten how to take care of ourselves. The women who feel like we’re being left behind. And in some ways, we are.

America’s fascination with youth has really thrown us under the bus. (It doesn’t help that more than a few of us look like we’ve been run over by a bus. Really, ladies, put on some lip gloss.) Society courts youth. When we cross that line into, well, let’s call it, “non-youth,” we land on the Island of Misfit Toys, cast-offs in a world that no longer knows exactly what to do with us. We’re social and marketing pariahs, which is ironic as our entry into “non-youth” is precisely when we have both the time and money to indulge in things in which we’ve long been interested but haven’t had an extra moment to explore.

That’s why it’s so important to resist. To link arms with your hot flashing sisters and set fire to the notion that just because we’re a certain age, we’re irrelevant. You don’t have to be relegated to the sidelines of your own life. You don’t have to be ignored. And you don’t have to be forced into Granny Panties, morphing into a real-life version of the cartoon character, Maxine, and grumbling your way through your days. (Although adding some “Maxine Moxie” to your attitude can be a healthy addition to your behavioral repertoire.)

Women stuck in Granny Panties are caught in the rut of always taking care of someone else and believing their best years are behind them. It just isn’t so. At least it doesn’t have to be. Avoiding the dreaded Granny Panties doesn’t take a lot of time or money. It simply takes a willingness to invest in yourself, change your attitude and for God’s sake, throw out any shirt with an animal on it.

But it’s not all about appearance. Ultimately, being “Not Ready For Granny Panties” has little to do with face lifts, tummy tucks or dressing like your teenage daughter. It’s a whole lot easier than that. A few simple adjustments and some commitment to yourself, for a change, will lead you to a whole new world. A world in which every once in a while, you take center stage. Because you deserve it. Because you’ve earned it. And because you in Granny Panties is something no one, especially not you, wants to see.

Being Not Ready For Granny Panties is not about trying to deny your age. It’s about living, to borrow Oprah’s phrase, “your best life” at exactly the age you happen to be. It’s also about not letting that age define you in a negative way. Just because you’re over 50 doesn’t mean you can’t take up surfing. But please don’t wear a bikini while you do it. A little common sense (just a little) makes all the difference between being the kind of woman people look at and say, “I wish I were like her,” as opposed to “Thank God I’m not like her!”

The march of time is inevitable. We’ve always been aware that the years were passing, but it’s not until the fateful day when we see that barely recognizable woman staring back at us from the mirror that we know we’re on the verge of losing ourselves to Granny Panties. Yet the conclusion of time’s forward march—that you will end up feeling beat, bored, miserable and trapped in Granny Panties—is not inevitable by any means.

So come with me and learn a new set of “Commandments.” They aren’t etched anywhere in stone, but they should be. Because if you follow them, you’ll renew yourself, you’ll learn to enjoy your life and most important, you’ll steer clear of Granny Panties, both literally and figuratively.

As for the cranky, old hag in the mirror? With a little work, a little luck and a healthy dose of fun, you may never see her again.