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Preface

I grew up in Newfoundland, raised in a large loving family with three generations under one roof. My parents were passionate about social justice. One night when I was six and my sister Susan was eight, my father set an empty tin on the dinner table while we were eating and put some coins in it. He explained to us that we couldn’t have the black patent leather, Mary-Jane party shoes we wanted, because the money would go to buy shoes for little girls in India who didn’t have any.

It was well known by the local jail population that when you got released you could go up to Mrs. Dyer’s (my mother’s) for a hot meal. I remember being invited to make our guests welcome by sitting at the card table in the hall to share conversation as he ate his meal. From my mother, we learned about the dignity every person was entitled to, regardless of circumstances.

I offer these stories by way of explaining the power of family and the impact that incidents in everyday life can have in shaping the values we carry forever. I was picked up rather than put down when I faltered as a child, and that helped me to trust myself.

The journey that brought me to Roots of Empathy has been rich and winding, and recurring themes have appeared along the way:

The Importance of Family: I witnessed intergenerational cycles of violence first-hand when I worked with families caught in the cycles of child abuse, neglect, or domestic violence. The pervasiveness of these social ills can be addressed when we look at the common denominator of these ills—the absence of empathy. As children develop empathy, they become more adept at finding the humanity in one another. Without empathy, we can’t get to conflict resolution, altruism, or peace. There are two overarching understandings from working with families; first, children develop within the culture of their family and we need to work with that rather than against it. Second, it is the relationships rather than the structure of families that count.

The Privilege of Working with Children: My work with children who had been victims of abuse or neglect, who lived in hostels, who lived with the unpredictability of addict parents, taught me that they love, purely without judgment, and have an infinite capacity for forgiveness. All children can teach us lessons of loyalty and acceptance. Working with little children as a kindergarten teacher, I was overwhelmed by both their strength and their vulnerability. I was amazed by the honest way they wore their feelings and behaviour. All those who have the opportunity to work with young children touch the future. Unfortunately in North America, we live in a child-illiterate society in which all childcare workers are undervalued, and those who parent children at home are often dismissed as marking time until they get back into the workforce. My hope is that this book will support the vital importance of children and all those who are involved with their development.

The Universal Need for Love and Belonging: When I worked with parents who had abused their children, it was very clear they were not the monsters the public thought they were. These parents were all desperately seeking acceptance, recognition, and love, but their life experiences had left them devoid of empathy. All too often, when children or youth are made to feel that they don’t belong, the response is a desire to “get even.” The headlines capture the most dramatic examples of youth “getting even” in the statistics of suicide, aggression, and murder.

A realization of the devastating impact of neglect or abuse on the lives of children, and alarm over societal violence, which is often the result of marginalized childhoods and poor parenting, set me on a path to find ways to break this cycle. This was my initial motivation; however, the lessons that Roots of Empathy teaches reach out to all children and strengthen their capacity to engage with the world using empathy.

The Value of Public Education: My first career as a kindergarten teacher introduced me to the power of education as an equalizer. Public education is the basis of a healthy democracy. Working in schools, whether in school-based parenting centres or classrooms, I saw how crucial it is that we teach children to ask questions and help them find a voice. Voice is bound up in their confidence and feelings of self-worth and is key to their future as citizens who will take their place in a democratic society. We need to use the evidence about how children truly learn, not through telling and yelling, but through meaningful experiences that engage both the mind and the heart. Roots of Empathy addresses the affective side of learning, the part that fails to get measured in the way math and reading are. The goal of education is broader than creating job-ready youth—it involves nurturing individuals who can be publicly useful and personally fulfilled. Education has a responsibility to develop citizens. Students who have good job skills but poor social and emotional skills may get a job, but will have trouble keeping it or getting promoted.

The Power of the Arts: Art is a vehicle that allows children the expression of a depth and complexity of emotion beyond what their words can convey. Music, art, and drama are portals to emotional literacy, a skill we all need to form strong relationships throughout our lives. In my work with struggling parents I have always found that paint, permission, and friendship can heal and connect. The coloured insert of children’s art has been included in this book to share the children’s insights. In their art, children speak to themselves as they paint what they feel instead of what they see. If we watch carefully, we may just learn from them.

Though I am a trained teacher, I find that I am also a trained learner, and my teachers have often been the most unlikely people. I believe that children have a great deal to teach us. And Roots of Empathy is a journey in which children frequently lead the way. I invite you to walk with the many children you will meet in this book and discover how they are changing our world.

I have written this book for everyone who touches the lives of children—not just the “usual suspects” like parents and teachers, but also those who work in organizations that provide programs or services to children. Children’s perspectives are important, and in the following pages, you will hear from them directly. The names of the children in this book are not real, but their stories are.

During the Nuremburg trials, one of the judges described the war crimes as a failure of empathy. Yet, in recent history, the world’s response to the tsunami of 2004 was a triumph of empathy. Normally, our differences define and separate us, providing the fodder for marginalization, bullying, and exclusion. If we were to listen to the language of the groups who are in a “hate relationship” with another group, they somehow manage to speak of the other group as less human—or so different that there can be no basis for human exchange. The children described in this book are able to see beyond differences to commonalities; the baby who visits the children in the classroom acts as a catalyst for developing empathy. Empathy is integral to solving conflict in the family, schoolyard, boardroom, and war room. The ability to take the perspective of another person, to identify commonalities through our shared feelings, is the best peace pill we have.

Political and spiritual leaders in the world are concerned about how our children are developing. Roots of Empathy has allies in both these spheres. His Holiness the Dalai Lama took a shine to Roots of Empathy during a public dialogue we had in Vancouver in October of 2006. One of the Dalai Lama’s comments in the dialogue concerned the prevention aspect of Roots of Empathy. He said, “Young children, as a result of negligence, they’re spoiled, then eventually they become troublesome then we try to regain that basic value; that doesn’t work. So I very much appreciate your special care from the early age.” He was amazed that the program was able to increase social and emotional competence and reduce aggression at the same time. He warmed to the idea of a baby as a teacher and delighted in having his own infant Roots of Empathy T-shirt. The Dalai Lama appreciates how Roots of Empathy teaches from both the mind and the heart. In the same breath he speaks about the “milk of compassion” and Roots of Empathy. The Dalai Lama understands the importance of empathy and agreed when I said that Roots of Empathy can raise the level of compassion. In 2009 the world’s first peace and education centre to have his name will be built in Vancouver, and Roots of Empathy will be part of that undertaking.

In 2007 Roots of Empathy was introduced in New Zealand with a three-year growth plan that involves three government ministries and corporate and foundation support. Prime Minister Helen Clark met with me and flew to Auckland for the official launch, which was held in a Roots of Empathy classroom. Prime Minister Clark has her finger on the heartbeat of the future. She is investing in the children of today for the New Zealand she wants tomorrow.

The Roots of Empathy classroom is creating citizens of the world—children who are developing empathic ethics and a sense of responsibility that takes the position that we all share the same lifeboat. These are the children who will build a more caring, peaceful, and civil society, child by child.