Читать книгу Miss Ellis's Mission - Mary P. Wells Smith - Страница 5

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1873. I have been too indolent for a few years. Now I must be up and doing, with a heart for anything, and remember that these clouds that overshadow us all are meant to make us look beyond for the sunshine. "No cross, no crown." I have a project in my head that I wish very much to carry out. I am tired of my selfish life; and all that reconciles me to it is, that I accept it as a necessary discipline for my restless spirit, to teach me submission, and help me to say, "Thy will, not mine, be done." My idea of a true Christian is to be working for others always, and not thinking of self. My desire is, to start a sewing-class from the Mission School, to be kept up during the summer, if I can only get the means of carrying out my plan, and find some one who is willing to take charge of it in case I am not able to be there. I would gladly make the sacrifice of personal comfort.

The sewing-class was started, and Miss Ellis became one of its most devoted teachers, though working often in great feebleness and pain.

Feel bluer, but I believe my deafness is bringing me truer faith, and resignation.... Another very warm day, but I have managed to get through the day cheerfully, thinking of heavenly things.... I cannot understand what makes me so ugly sometimes. I pray that my evil spirit may be subdued some day.... Do not know of anything I have done to benefit others to-day, only I have been cheerful.... I have felt pretty well, and this day went rightly with me, though I do not know as I have advanced the cause of life very much.... How I do long to live a perfectly unselfish life, and to be a blessing to those around me, as my life was intended for!... Am reading "Old Kensington," by Miss Thackeray,—a real love-story; and it makes me sad, as usual.... Still in the house, and feel poorly. Feel a little dull this evening, and on thinking over my life, think that I have had more than most people of my age to endure, and wonder that I keep up my spirits as well as I have; and it is only that I feel that all is the necessary discipline for me. "Let us but be genuine, honest, and true in everything, even in the smallest thing, and we have in that the sign and the pledge of entire consecration of heart and life to God" (J. F. Clarke). "Be faithful unto death, and I will give you a crown of life" (Rev. ii. 10).... Gave up to a terrible fit of the "blues" this afternoon and evening. Am so tired of suffering all the time, that I gave way under my cross to-day. It seems as if I can't struggle to live longer.

Sunday. A bright day; I was not able to go out, but felt that it was good to remain at home to think over my blessings.... Attended Bible-class this evening. I came home in rather a despondent mood. I find my cross hard to bear, but must pray for more strength.

1874. Sent my old Bible to be bound to-day, which I have used twenty-three years.... I have felt extremely favored to-day, in that I was able to attend the Sewing School, which I feared all the week I might be disappointed in. We closed the school to-day, after twenty-four weeks' work. It has been time well spent, and I feel particularly thankful to my heavenly Father in having heard my prayer for health, strength, and good weather. One strong desire of my life has been vouchsafed me, and I feel overpowered with joy to-night.... I have felt to-day how much I need the assistance of Christ, and may his religion help me to be victorious in the end.

Quoting an extract from Miss Sedgwick's diary on the unmarried life, which ends, "Though not first to any, I am, like Themistocles, second to a great many: my sisters are all kind and affectionate to me, my brothers generous and invariably kind; their children all love me," Miss Ellis adds: "These very words I can repeat as my experience.... If I can only add a few drops of happiness to his life [a brother's], I shall be too happy."

1875. Mr. Noyes called Monday to bring me his sermon, and it made me very resigned. The text was from 2 Cor. xii. 10,—"When I am weak, then am I strong."

Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was the topic of the discourse, and several pages of extracts are copied in the journal.

It is one of the trials of my life not to assist in the church as I desire to. I presume it must be because I neglect other duties, and see but one thing before me, and that is, to give up the idol of my life, and do the duty that is nearest to me; but it is a sore trial to me.... This has been an eventful week to me, for last Sunday Mr. Noyes closed his ministry with us.... Now they have really gone, it makes me feel rather despondent, though I know they have left many blessings to me behind them.

I am beginning some fancy work, in hopes of brightening my life somewhat. I am not reconciled to the hardships of life.... Am anxious to learn wood-carving.... I try to have the faith of Jesus more than that about him.

... Went to see about trumpets yesterday, and came home greatly disheartened, and shall have to submit with a good grace to the cross.... Mr. Wendte lectures on the New Testament this evening. I should be glad to hear him, but believe all is best as it is.

1877. We had a beautiful sermon to-day, which I took especially to myself, on "The Lonely Hours of Life." ... Am feeling better to-day, and the sermon (on "Be Strong, and of a Good Courage") roused my better nature, ready to go on courageously.... Lecture this evening on "Funeral Customs." I did not attend, for the sermon to-day (on "Prayer") so exalted me that I didn't feel like listening to things of the world.... Wakened feeling disconsolate this morning, but resolved to bear the cross of life as trustfully and cheerfully as possible, and lay up treasures during the summer ready to "give out" when all return in the winter. Impressed two little pieces on my mind,—one by Spitta, in "Day unto Day,"—

"Glad with thy light and glowing with thy love,

So let me ever think and speak and move."

The other by Whittier,—

"Lord, help me strive 'gainst each besetting sin."

Went to Madame Wendte's. Brought home, "Ten Great Religions," "Reason in Religion," and "Evolution in Religion."

Thus did Miss Ellis fortify herself for the summer vacation of the church. Emerson's "Society and Solitude" was another book read this vacation.

Have not lived up to my ideal the past week, and particularly to-day. However, may the good Father pardon my shortcomings and aid me to do better.... I feel that I have added something to my life for the benefit of others by the rest and reading of this summer. I hope to study up German a little, among my busy hours this winter. I can retain so little in my head, it is discouraging to read. I must work the harder, and believe "all is for the best," and pray, in faith, for patience.... Mr. Wendte's first sermon—subject, "After Vacation"—made me feel somewhat depressed, for I feel so anxious to do for every one, and have not the means or strength. [She resolves to] do my little part and not discourage [the minister],—do my part more by showing an interest than by the amount of work I do.... I am miserable, dyspeptic, and disappointed.... I have felt heartily discouraged this week in every way, but the church did me good this morning.

Mr. Noyes was succeeded as pastor at Cincinnati by Rev. Charles W. Wendte in the fall of 1875. The idea of preaching, of carrying to others the blessed Unitarian faith which had been her joy and strength, now filled Miss Ellis's soul. She discussed various schemes to this end with friends who respected her and her earnestness too much to laugh at the (in worldly eyes) utter absurdity of her hopes, as futile as Miss Toosey's desire to go as a missionary to Nawaub. Could she not go out into Ohio villages and hold lay services, reading the printed prayers and sermons of our Unitarian ministers? Great must have been the yearning for the ministry consuming her soul, to tempt the reserved, feeble little woman, with her deafness and dyspepsia, her incessant cough, her love of her own room and things, her exactness and exquisite nicety of habit, seriously to contemplate such a career. Yet, but for absolute physical incapacity, and the dissuasions (on that account) of her family, she would certainly have made the experiment. Or might she not open a reading-room in the church, to be kept open all the week, where the treasures of Unitarian literature could be dispensed? Even in her last years she seriously meditated going to the church every Sunday morning during the vacation to open her library and meet those who might want books, papers, or advice. The summer vacation was always a grief to her. She wished the church might be open every day.

Nov. 9, 1876, a rough draft of the following letter to Mr. Wendte appears in her diary:—

"I cannot resist returning special thanks for your sermon of last Sunday, 'To what end is your life?' I do not know when a sermon has so fully aroused the will of my youth.... At twenty years of age, 'the object of my toil' was to live for the earthly comfort of the family, for the good of society in general, so far as in my power, at the same time keeping an eye to the higher interests of life by working in and for the church.... 'The goal of my ambition' in middle life is to labor for the spiritual welfare of those about me; but I find myself without means to assist others.... My preference is decidedly to labor for the higher natures of others as well as for myself; therefore, remembering your kind offer in your letter to me during the summer, I ask, can you suggest anything for me to engage in, in the spreading of Christianity? [She wishes] to devote the remainder of my life to the highest and best I know. If you can put me in the way of assisting others as well as myself in the highest and holiest way, I shall be ever indebted to you. I shall be glad to so live that when I lay down my life I shall in some measure have returned the many kindnesses of parents, sisters, brothers, and friends, repaid the efforts of teachers and pastors in my behalf, and proved myself a worthy child to Him who gave me being."

At the end, however, she writes: "Didn't send it. Concluded it was better to talk with him."

The same ideas in another form appear again in the diary as a letter to Mr. Wendte. One of the burdens on Mr. Wendte's heart in those days was "to find something for Miss Ellis to do." Partly to this end he devised Sunday-school lessons in manuscript, which Miss Ellis copied each week for all the teachers. In 1877 he appointed a Missionary Society with a formidable list of names, the significant one among whom events proved to be Miss Sallie Ellis, Treasurer,—she being, indeed, the "society." The little programme says:—

"The object of the Missionary Society is to spread the knowledge and increase the influence of Liberal religious ideas throughout the city and State by publications, correspondence, and such other means as may seem to it suitable and best."

During the winter of 1877-78 Miss Ellis, aided by Mr. Wendte, distributed 1,846 tracts and 211 "Pamphlet Missions" (as baby "Unity" was called) in twenty-six States. Miss Ellis was always scrupulously systematic, methodical, and exact in all she did, and a huge pile of closely written blank books gives every minutia connected with the business details of her work. In her diary was a copy of this letter to Mr. Wendte, dated Feb. 21, 1878:—

"Why not have a 'Mission Sunday' sometime soon? Do not announce it previously, however; for some might feel inclined to remain at home; but catch as many together as possible, and make them listen to a rousing address from you,—a report of what you have done and the letters you have received. It might not be as social or interesting as a concert or something else; but it would not hurt the people to listen to it, and would make the missionary work more a reality to them, and I believe in the end an appeal from you would bring in more money than anything else.

"I have one request to make of you, however; and that is, that you do not bring my name out in the pulpit, unless you have occasion to mention the names of the Missionary Society. It is merely necessary to mention you have been assisted by one of the 'Missionary Committee,' not saying 'Treasurer,' man or woman. I have no objection if any one asks you privately who has done the work, to have you tell them. I love to do good work, but wish no other praise than to know that the recipient of the act has been benefited thereby. I act from the mere pleasure of doing good to others and believing it to be right, therefore deserve no credit.... The winter's work has brought out the desire of younger days, when a Presbyterian friend used to tell me, 'You ought to go as a missionary to China.' I then had five little brothers and sisters to help care for, and considered that 'mission' enough. Since they are grown my health has been too poor to undertake anything, but now I should like a work in life. If I have a 'taste' or 'talent' for anything, it is for the study and the spread of religion.... All the family are only too kind to me, which only makes me the more anxious to use my one talent to the utmost extent. If you know of any work I could assist in, in our denomination, East or West, I would be much obliged to you if you would let me know."

The first mentions in the journal of missionary work are Nov. 25, 1877, "Mr. Wendte came to me with missionary work to do,—five hundred tracts to distribute;" and Dec. 9, 1877, "Feel that I am doing good in lending books and papers and distributing tracts."

Sept. 5, 1880, while visiting her sister in Philadelphia she opens a new volume of the journal as follows:—

Too warm to venture to church. The church in Cincinnati opens to-day. Would I might be one of the congregation! I am, in spirit! In opening this book on Sunday I would dedicate it to a high use, and open it with ascription of praise to the Giver of all good. "Pray for us unto the Lord thy God, ... that the Lord thy God may show us the way wherein we may walk" (Jer. xlii. 2, 3). "Quicken thou me in thy way" (Psalms cxix. 37).

The following prayers are then copied:—

"My Father, may I ever humbly follow in thy way; may I ever trust, with the full assurance of faith, that it does lead to thy heavenly kingdom. It is often narrow and perplexed, and I cannot see where it is leading me; yet, though the guiding light of thy holy word may be half obscured by the mists of the valley, if I fix my eyes steadily upon it, it will become brighter and brighter; I shall see my way clearly in this seemingly intricate road, and discern, even at the end of it, the entrance to thy heavenly mansion."

"O God, may our souls be full of life. Save us from an inanimate and sluggish life.... Inspire our sensibility to good; may we see more and more its loveliness and beauty. And may all the varied experience of life draw us nearer to thee" (Channing).

Then follows "an abstract from Channing's Memoirs, showing how, by self-scrutiny, his character was formed, by many trials and denials." She then copies eighteen pages from Channing's "Rules for Self-Discipline," at the end writing, "All these pages from Channing are written from memory, not copied."

The second rule copied is, "Let me not talk of pains, sicknesses, complaints," etc.

Following the rules is a poem copied from the "Christian Register" of Sept. 4, 1880.

WHAT OF THAT?

"Tired?" Well, what of that?

Didst fancy life was spent on beds of ease,

Fluttering the rose-leaves scattered by the breeze?

Come, rouse thee! work while it is called day!

Coward, arise! Go forth upon thy way.

"Lonely?" And what of that?

Some must be lonely; 'tis not given to all

To feel a heart responsive rise and fall,

To blend another life into its own.

Work may be done in loneliness. Work on!

"Dark?" Well, what of that?

Didst fondly dream the sun would never set?

Dost fear to lose thy way? Take courage yet!

Learn thou to walk by faith, and not by sight;

Thy steps will guided be, and guided right.

"Hard?" Well, what of that?

Didst fancy life one summer holiday,

With lessons none to learn, and nought but play?

Go, get thee to thy task! Conquer or die!

It must be learned! Learn it, then, patiently.

"No help?" Nay, 'tis not so!

Though human help is far, thy God is nigh;

Who feeds the ravens, hears his children's cry.

He's near thee wheresoe'er thy footsteps roam,

And he will guide thee, light thee, help thee home.

Then follows a selection from Emerson:—

"The scholar must be a solitary, laborious, modest, and charitable soul. He must embrace solitude as a bride. He must have his glees and his glooms alone. Go, scholar, cherish your soul; expel companions; set your habits to a life of solitude; then will the faculties rise fair and full within, like forest trees, field flowers; you will have results, which, when you meet your fellow men, you can communicate and they will gladly receive. It is the noble, manly, just thought which is the superiority demanded of you; and not crowds, but solitude, confers this elevation."

Next follows a page of "Paragraphs for Preachers." Evidently this year sees the dying of the first hope to be a preacher, and the gradual dawn of her life's real mission. Seven pages follow of "Prayers altered and rearranged for my own use, from 'Dairy Praise and Prayer.'" Three or four appropriate prayers are united in one, headed, "First evening," "First Morning," "Second Evening," etc. These were apparently prepared for the lay services she had dreamed of holding. A page or two more, and this entry, October 17, marks the dawning of the new hope: "Last week received a very kind letter from Mr. Wendte, in which he stated, 'We have made you chairman of a Book and Tract Table in the church; 'therefore I feel bound to return to attend to it." Further extracts from the diary are:—

Saturday evening, J—— accidentally broke my audiphone. I felt lost then, but wouldn't let them know how badly I felt about it, and even went to church without it, for fear they would feel hurt about it. It came home mended, this evening.

October 31. Finished G——'s afghan, also completed the embroidery of fourth skirt for Mrs. ——, and first of baby C——'s mittens. Was quite interested in a letter of Mrs. —— in "Register" of last week on "The Woman's Auxiliary Conference." Hope she will succeed in establishing a Woman's Club for discussion and debate in Cincinnati.

Miss F. Le Baron, whose friendship with Miss Ellis dates back to the latter's residence in Chicago, writes that she has several letters from Miss Ellis setting forth her desire to preach, but unfortunately they are in a totally inaccessible place. This allusion, in the diary, evidently points to the final renunciation of Miss Ellis's first missionary impulse:—

November 7. A letter from Miss Le Baron, of Chicago, in regard to my engaging in missionary work in the West. She finally closed with the idea that I had come to myself. In a letter from A—— this week she says to me, "Our lot in life appears to be that of patience and submission," which brings to my mind quite a sermon, in other's words, which I hope to write out to-day. It is time to prepare for church.... The thought suggested by A——'s letter with regard to submission to our lot called to mind the passage William Ellery Channing wrote to his friend Francis. "You seem to go upon the supposition that our circumstances are determined by Providence. I believe they are determined by ourselves. Man is the artificer of his own fortunes. By exertion he can enlarge his sphere of usefulness. By activity he can 'multiply himself.' It is mind that gives him the ascendency in society; it is mind that gives him power and ability. It depends upon himself to call forth the energies of mind, to strengthen the intellect, to form benevolence into a habit of the soul. The consequence I draw from these principles is that Heaven, by placing me in particular circumstances, has not assigned me a determinate sphere of usefulness (as you seem to think), but that it is in my power, and of course my duty, to spread the 'beams of my light' wider into the 'night of adversity.'"

Miss Ellis continues, apparently partly in her own words:—

With this idea, then, that we largely fashion our own lives, that, "working with God, and for him, our lives can know no true failure, but all things shall contribute to our soul's true success," let us take up our cross, and then we shall find

"The burden light,

The path made straight, the way all bright,

Our warfare cease;

So shall we win the crown,

At last our life lay down

In perfect peace."

Two pages more on the same topic, of original and selected matter skilfully blended (perhaps the whole a bit of one of the sermons never to be preached), end with the hymn, copied in full,—