Читать книгу These Ties That Bind - Mary Sullivan - Страница 10

REM COULDN’T BELIEVE the longing he saw on Sara’s face. He understood the emotion, had felt it too often for her, but they could have been acting on it for the past year. They could have been married and loving each other every day and night.

Her longing angered him. “Uh-uh, Sara. You don’t get to look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“As though you want me. Nothing’s going to happen between us. That ship has sailed, sweetheart, and it ain’t ever coming back.”

Her fingers flinched within his grasp.

“Why are you back in Ordinary?” he asked. “Why didn’t you stay in Bozeman? You had a good job there.”

“Mama’s here. Timm and Angel are here and soon their new baby. I wanted to be with my family.”

Hmm. Maybe. “What aren’t you telling me?”

She pressed her lips together as though she wouldn’t answer but finally did. “Finn was hanging out with kids I didn’t like and getting wild. They got into trouble with the police. It scared me. I thought it would be good for him to be with family.”

It sounded plausible enough, but still not like the full story. He’d leave it for now. He had more important fish to fry. “I’m Finn’s family.”

She jerked to attention, the longing gone like last Sunday’s dinner, and tugged her hands out of his grasp. She opened his fists to tend to his palms in her usual no-nonsense way, the vulnerable woman vanishing behind her professional facade.

Damn your self-control to hell, Sara.

Time to hit her with the decision he’d made.

He’d spent the past seven years turning his life around, righting so many of the wrongs he’d committed before his father’s death had given him a rude wake-up call. Rem had made the decision to straighten out, but he wasn’t finished making amends yet. His father had been a great role model. It was time for Rem to be the same for his son. He’d hurt people. He wanted that to stop. Here. Now. Today. Starting with the most important people in his life.

“I want to get to know him.”

“Who?” Sara asked, turning away so he couldn’t see her expression.

“Santa Claus,” he snapped. “Who do you think? Finn.”

She spun back to him. “No. We had an agreement.”

“That agreement is almost twelve years old. I’ve paid my dues since then.”

“I don’t care. We agreed. You promised you’d never go back on your decision.”

“It was the wrong decision. I’m old enough and strong enough to see that now.”

“I don’t care.”

“Does he ever ask about his father?”

Sara flinched. Bingo.

He changed his tactic, knew what would work in convincing her.

“Ma had another stroke.” A week ago. It was her third stroke in a year and a half and the worst yet. How much longer would he have her around? He needed to set so many things right.

“I know,” Sara answered. “I’ve been visiting her.”

Of course she had, because underneath all of her stubborn grittiness Sara was a caring person.

“So why shouldn’t she get to know her grandson before she dies? What if the next stroke kills her?” His voice rose. “Finn’s my son.”

“Be quiet,” Sara warned. “We’re not private here.”

“So what? It wouldn’t kill either of us if people found out.”

She leaned close and pointed a finger in his face. “You were the one who decided not to be in his life, that you weren’t father material. The fact that you wanted out so quickly proved you were right. You’d make a terrible father.”

“I was young and stupid. I was scared. I thought Finn would be better off without me.” He stood, loomed over her and lowered his voice, infusing it with a dark intensity because she had to understand how serious he was. “That’s no longer true. I think I’d be a good father now. That boy needs one. And I need my son.”

She refused to make eye contact even though he stood mere inches from her. Instead, she stared at his collarbone.

“You agreed to the deal pretty damn quickly,” he accused. “You didn’t want me to acknowledge Finn, either.”

Her chest rose and fell too rapidly. He knew Sara through and through and, although she looked calm, he could tell she was scared. He didn’t blame her. This was new territory for him, too.

“I’ve come to terms with who I am, with the mistake I made burning Timm, with all of the mistakes I made in my crazy adolescence. I can’t take back what I’ve done, Sara, but I’m moving on. I’ve proven that I’m a responsible man.”

She hadn’t been around to witness his change, but he had changed, and she was going to have to trust him.

She still wouldn’t look at him, but said, “Fine, so you’ve come to terms with your guilt.”

Guilt. Of course she would use a word that loaded.

“It was a child’s mistake, Sara. I’ve finally accepted it. Someday, you’re going to have to let it go, too.”

“I know you were a child and I’ve tried to come to terms with it, Rem. I truly have. But it was a huge mistake with consequences that still affect us to this day.”

“Yes. I know. But it’s done. Nothing can be taken back.”

Finally, she looked at him, uncertainty in those steel-gray eyes. “If something goes wrong again, how do you know you won’t end up bingeing like last summer?”

“I don’t, but I do know that I spend ninety percent of my days being a good person. If I slip, I slip. Big deal. I’m human.”

He wanted to tell her how human she was, too; but that truth was one she had to come to on her own.

“If I slipped up,” he continued, “Finn could handle it.”

“He could handle it only because I raised him well.” She tried to push him away, but he was too strong.

Rem watched Sara control the heat that flared between them.

He stepped back.

“You’ve done a fine job of raising Finn. He’s a great kid.” Rem was ready to stop thinking of Finn as Sara’s son and to start accepting him as his own.

“Get used to this, Sara, ’cause I’m not backing down. You’re not going to win this fight.”

Something more flared in her eyes, something beneath the anger she wore like a badge. He thought it might be fear. He wracked his brain for a way to convince her that he was serious about changing, about becoming stronger, and that everything would work out fine, and he hit on one thing.

“Since the day Finn was born, I’ve been helping to support him, starting with your hospital bills when he was born. Every month without fail, I’ve sent you money for him. In twelve years, I didn’t miss once. I’ve been responsible. I’ve proven that I have staying power. Right?”

“You never missed a payment,” she acknowledged.

“I won’t relapse, Sara.”

She wouldn’t look at him.

“Fine, if you can’t do this for me, do it for Ma. She has a right to know Finn. I’m going to tell her.”

“Don’t,” Sara rasped. “Just don’t.”

“It’s no longer your choice to make.”

Beneath the defiance and fear on her face, he saw devastation. Her world was about to change.

Too bad. Rem needed everyone to know that he was Finn’s father.

He stalked out of the emergency room.

It was long past time to be a father.

SARA PRESSED A HAND AGAINST her stomach.

The controlled, defined, safe world she’d struggled to build since her son’s birth was about to crumble. She’d worked so hard and Rem could rip it all apart with a few words.

Don’t hurt my baby.

Rem was a master at finding chinks in her armor.

He didn’t understand the chance he took. His decision didn’t affect only her. Didn’t he know how hurt Finn could be if Rem let him down, if he couldn’t carry through as a father? Once he started, there was no turning back.

She listened to the familiar sounds of the hospital, her home away from home, but saw only the small recovery room she’d been in after Finn’s birth. She’d thought things were going to work out for her. She’d been so wrong.

It hurt to remember how excited she’d been and then how devastated after Rem had rejected both of them.

After she’d buried her emotions and thought things through rationally, she’d realized that she and Finn could survive just fine without Rem. And they had.

That day, she’d decided that she’d work her butt off for independence, to support herself and Finn, and the hell with Rem. She didn’t need him. She and Finn were on their own and that’s how they would stay.

Sara and her son had been a team—until lately, at any rate.

Now Rem was changing his mind and he expected her to fall into line.

That wasn’t going to happen.

Sara still stood in the small, curtained emergency room with the familiar equipment that could mend broken bodies, that could take blood and mess and dirt and transform the chaos into the order she craved.

She brushed off the past.

She would get through this. She always did.

Taking an antiseptic wipe from a container, she ran it across the small counter and into every corner and cranny.

She replaced the sheet of protective paper on the bed.

Rem had disappointed her before and there wasn’t a speck of doubt in her mind that he would do so again. She just didn’t want him pulling his old tricks on Finn.

No matter what it took, she’d make sure Finn didn’t get hurt. She’d bet her last dollar that Rem had gone up to visit Nell. She was going to march up there right now to lay down a few parameters, rules that Rem had to follow.

She would see Nell then, too. Rem had hit a nerve when he’d talked about his mom—a problem she’d been aware of since Finn’s birth.

Sara had loved Nell ever since she was a child and running everywhere with Timm and Rem. Nell had treated her as her own daughter. Over the years, Sara had worried about keeping Finn away from Nell, about how it would affect Nell if she ever found out. Nell didn’t know she was a grandmother and the guilt ate away at Sara.

Nell had had three strokes and now Rem was talking about the very real possibility of her death. It was hard to think of Nell dying without ever learning the truth. Rem was right.

Fine, Nell could get to know her grandson, but Sara would have to make sure she understood that Finn wasn’t to know whose mother she was. No way would Sara let Finn find out that Rem was his father.

Sara would keep as much control of the situation as she could.

Finished with her straightening of the room, Sara stopped and gripped the counter, overwhelmed by Rem’s threat. She squeezed her eyes shut, but still saw his face and that body she wanted to hold despite his past betrayals.

She snapped her eyes open.

Mixed in with all of that desire was a backwash of emotion too toxic for her to sort out—guilt, anger, tenderness and even love. And that terrible and unrelenting darkness.

Her head had to rule. Experience had taught her that Rem could cost her pieces of herself that she didn’t want to give. But she was faced with the same old struggle between desire and reality.

Over the years, she’d grown so good at quashing her dreams of Rem, of suppressing memories and desires. But today, at this moment, Sara Franck still wanted Remington Caldwell.

You poor unfortunate fool.

REM TOOK THE ELEVATOR to Ma’s floor, to make sure she was all right and to let her know he’d made the arrangements for her homecoming.

At least he’d had the chance to tell Sara what he wanted with Finn. She was dead set against him getting to know his son. Surprise, surprise.

Calming himself before entering Ma’s room, he put aside all thoughts of Sara.

When he approached the bed, Ma’s eyes followed him, but her head remained still. This latest stroke had immobilized her so much and it hurt to see her like this.

“What?” she asked, glancing at his bandaged hands. Her speech had been affected and her words clipped short. “What happen?”

He raised his hands so she could see them better. “It isn’t as bad as it looks. I pulled a girl out of a car fire.”

“Fire?” He didn’t miss the flicker of fear in her eyes. “You okay?”

“Yeah, Ma, I’m good.” Blinking rapidly, he kissed her forehead, unsure whether she could even feel it.

Get your shit together. Get over all of this stupid emotion.

“She okay?”

“I don’t know how she’s doing. She had burns on her head, but I haven’t seen her since we got here. I hope so.”

“How old?”

“I think maybe nine.”

“Poor girl.”

With her good hand, she pointed at the scrub shirt he wore. “Where’s…own…shirt?”

“The accident was at the end of our lane. It woke me up and I rushed out to see if everyone was all right. Only got as far as pulling on my pants ’cause the car was on fire.”

Ma smiled but it looked bizarre with that one side drooping.

Ma’s eyes flickered to the doorway and her expression softened. Rem turned to see who had entered. Sara.

His gaze flickered to check out her conservative shirt and blue jeans. He remembered her tight body as though it were tattooed on his eyelids.

Sara approached the bed and gave Ma the kind of warm smile he hadn’t seen from her in years.

He’d always wanted a piece of that, of the soft, affectionate side of Sara’s character she reserved for everyone but him.

“How are you feeling?” Sara asked.

“Good.”

“When are you going to the convalescent home?”

Nell glanced at Rem.

“She leaves here tomorrow,” he said. “I’ve already arranged everything. She’s coming home with me.”

She turned to him with a frown. “May I talk to you out in the hall?”

He didn’t like the seriousness of her expression, but followed her out. Was she going to argue more about Finn? He wouldn’t allow it.

Once away from the door, Sara crossed her arms. “Why are you taking Nell home instead of putting her into Tender Loving Care? She needs full-time attention.”

That took him aback. She wanted to talk about Ma, not Finn. “She wants to come home.”

“It doesn’t matter what the patient wants. What does matter is that she gets the care she needs.”

“She’s my mother—I care what she wants. I’m not putting her in a place run by a bunch of strangers. I won’t know how well she’s being taken care of, or if they’ll give her enough attention. I’ve heard horror stories about old folks being neglected.”

“TLC has an excellent reputation. She would receive everything she needs.”

Rem chewed on his lip. “I can’t.” He’d neglected his parents for too many years. His wild ways had kept him isolated from everyone. When his father died, Rem realized just how much of his life he’d been throwing away. How much he was hurting those around him.

No way was he letting Ma go to an institution.

He shifted gears. “She wants to come home, Sara. I don’t know how much longer she’ll be around. How can I say no to her? I want her home, too.”

“Do you have any idea how much care she’ll need?”

“Of course I do. For God’s sake, Sara, I’ve talked to the doctors. I’ve arranged to have caregivers at the house fourteen hours a day.”

“Okay, I guess.”

“You guess? It isn’t your decision to make.”

Sara raised a staying hand to squelch his anger. “I know. I care about Nell, though. I want to make sure she gets the best care.”

“She’ll get the best.”

“TLC Outreach?”

“Yes.”

Her frown eased. “Okay.”

Rem calmed down. Sara might be a pain in the rear end sometimes, but there was no doubting how much she loved his ma.

She touched his arm, her manner hesitant but also determined. “As far as Finn goes, here’s the deal. You can tell Nell that he’s her grandson on the condition that she understands that he isn’t to know. And you can’t tell him that you’re his father.”

“What the hell?”

“Those are my terms. For years, you didn’t want to acknowledge him as your son. You can’t change the rules on a whim.”

“I want to be his father now.”

“I can’t risk that you’ll hurt him.”

“I’ll take you to court.”

“In the eyes of the law, I’m his only parent.”

No way. “You didn’t put my name on the birth certificate?”

“I had planned to, but you walked out on us.”

She might as well have sucker punched him. It hurt. Finn was his son. He’d never claimed the boy, though, had he?

“Did you really hate me so much?”

“I’ve never hated you, Rem. Never. But I don’t trust you to do what’s right for my son.”

Without waiting for a response, she strode away and Rem was left reeling. So, should he go ahead and tell the boy anyway, against Sara’s wishes? Somehow, that didn’t feel right.

He would tell his ma, though, when the time was right.

He returned to Ma’s room to say goodbye.

Last week, on the day of her latest stroke, it had occurred to him that she was his only family.

Other than Finn.

He’d always thought her hale and healthy, but she’d shrunk, was small now, and he was in danger of losing her. Now he had this impulse, an inkling that had started after he became a full-time veterinarian, but urgent now that Ma was so bad, to start a family. He already had started one, though, and wanted to claim his son and get to know him.

He’d screwed up in not acknowledging him from the beginning. He was through screwing up. He was setting everything in his life right.

Sara had done a great job of raising Finn alone, so Rem would respect her wishes. For now.

“Ma, I’m going to see how that young girl is doing and then finish setting the house to rights for your homecoming tomorrow.”

She tried that smile again, but must have known how bad it looked because she stopped. Ma, you’re breaking my heart.

He squeezed her good hand. “I love you.”

She nodded.

Rem rushed out because of the headache throbbing behind his sinuses. Maybe he was getting a cold. Or maybe it was just that he’d been up too late last night turning the dining room into a bedroom for Ma’s return, including moving in the new bed he’d had delivered.

On the first floor, he found Randy in the emergency ward. “How are the girl and her mother?”

“Lucky, from what I hear.” He punched Rem on the shoulder. “Heard you’re the man of the hour for pulling her out of the wreckage.”

Rem shrugged. “You would have done the same thing. Seriously, how are they?”

“You called it right. Mother’s got a concussion, fractured ribs and a broken arm. Daughter’s got burns to her scalp, hands and arms.”

“Can I see them?” Rem needed reassurance that the two were alive and well. When the kid had been trapped…

Quit. Don’t think about it.

Randy directed him to Intensive Care. “They’re pretty doped up, but you can look in on them.”

Rem stepped into the room. Nurses worked around the young girl’s bed quietly, lending the room a hushed, expectant silence.

Her face looked peaceful in her drugged sleep, with the white bandages swathing her head.

His gaze drifted to the other bed, where her mother lay awake and watching him, her gaze only slightly unfocused by pain meds.

“Hi,” he said with a wave of two fingers.

“Hi,” she said. “Are you the one who saved my daughter?”

“Yeah.” He squirmed beneath her admiring gaze. Lady, I’m not a hero.

He approached her bed. Under the bruises on one side of her face, he could tell she was a whole lot younger than he’d originally thought, probably younger than his own thirty-two years.

“What’s your daughter’s name?” he asked.

“Melody.”

He had a snap memory of this woman screaming that as Rem dove into the burning vehicle. “I’m Remington Caldwell. People call me Rem.”

She smiled, then grimaced as if her face hurt.

“I’m Elizabeth Chase. Liz,” she said. “Did that happen at the crash?” She pointed to his wrapped hands. He nodded.

“I’m sorry.” She had a pretty voice, feminine and sweet.

“You’re not from around here. Are you here to visit family?”

She shook her head and shadows clouded her eyes along with a dose of fear. Something wasn’t right, but the woman wasn’t saying more. Fair enough. She had a right to her privacy.

When he asked no further questions, she stared at him some more as though he were her hero, and he had to leave the room before he disappointed her by blurting out how wrong she was.

REM TURNED THE JEEP INTO his driveway and stared at his big old oak and the fields on either side of the entrance to his ranch.

Fire had scorched the fields, now sodden under the weight of the water the fire crews had poured on them.

The acrid scent of charred earth drifted through the open window.

The fire trucks must have reached his ranch shortly after he passed through Ordinary on his way to the hospital.

After last summer’s drought, the town had installed solar-powered pumps in Still Creek where it ran along the highway.

Thankfully, access to water for the fire pumps wasn’t an issue.

The results could have been so much worse. Those golden fields could have burned right up to the house and taken it down, too.

He had lost grain, though, and would have to replace it.

He climbed out and pressed his hand against the scar on the tree where the car had hit. Fire had blackened this entire side of the trunk. Still fresh, the odor of burning wood had replaced that of singed flesh.

His bandage came away sooty and black.

Above his head, bare limbs formed a stark spider’s web against the blue sky.

Lucky he hadn’t lost the whole tree. The other half remained green. Thank God. He loved his land. Rem had an affinity with nature and this hurt. It really sucked.

The stag was gone. Maybe one of the firefighters had taken it home to butcher and freeze for the winter.

Out here in rural Montana, food didn’t go to waste.

Rem shook himself out of his pensive musings.

Given Sara’s reluctance to let him get to know his son, he had a lot to prove, a lot to do to persuade her that he was a responsible man.

Fired up, he drove to the house, ready to jump into final preparations for Ma’s homecoming tomorrow morning.

One way or another, he would find a way to be Finn’s dad, Sara be damned.