Читать книгу William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story - Matt Rudd - Страница 62

Another flat viewing but the husband said he wouldn’t feel happy letting his wife walk home on her own at night. What an idiot. Arthur Arsehole said he’d explained about how the area was colourful rather than dangerous but they were going to look at smaller properties in Chiswick instead.

Wednesday 22 June

I was right. Isabel does think I’m having a nervous breakdown. She says she’s spoken to Astrid, her yoga teacher, and Astrid says men benefit from her type of yoga even more than women and that I should come to the next class. Which is tonight.

I’m just trying to choose the most appropriate form of dismissive laugh when Isabel says, ‘Please come, it would make me happy,’ which is blackmail.

In a small, sweaty room above a holistic healing shop in Holborn, nine women and one man, all in Lycra, spread their mats as Astrid spreads her crystals, while I bite my nails.

I don’t have a mat so I have to borrow one from a cupboard. The only place left to unroll my mat—which is pink and smells of sweat—is right behind the man in Lycra. The next hour seems like four or five. There are the boring positions (‘Put your arms in the air…stretch a bit…hold it…hold it…feel the energy…’), the impossible positions (‘Put your leg over your arm…put the other leg round the other arm…spread all your toes…hold it…hold it…keep breathing, William…’), and the disgusting positions—which are all of them when you have a man in Lycra blocking your view. A man who laughs happily every time he lets one off. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to blot out the downward-facing dog.

‘Thanks, guys. Great session. And remember, don’t walk on the Earth, walk with the Earth. See you all next week.’

No.

It gets worse. Message from Alex when we get back to the flat.

‘Hi, guys. Almost two months married. Hope it’s all sweetness and light over there.’

[Wanker.]

‘Look, I know this is a bit out of the blue but I’ve got a friend who does marketing for Ferrari. You know, the racing team.’

[Wanker.]

‘Anyway, he’s hosting a race day down at Brands Hatch on Saturday. You’re probably too blissfully married to spend a day apart but I wondered if William might be free? And perhaps Andy? For a bit of a race. Be good to hang out with my best mate’s new hubby.’

[Wanker—but it is Ferrari.]