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Richard Keys

Strictly speaking, this emblem of blazer-clad corporate loyalty – a man who would lay down his life, you suspect, in the cause of Sky Sports – should be of more interest to anthropologists than anyone else. Now that the advent of high-definition television has obliged him to shave his hands to spare the feelings of more squeamish viewers, this is no longer as obvious as it once was. But there was a time when his fronting of broadcasts raised grave doubts about the professionalism of the Ape Recovery Squad at London Zoo.

His own professionalism has seldom been in doubt. He anchors Premier League transmissions with a seldom-wavering dull competence unleavened by his slavish commitment to talking up what he routinely refers to, despite its transparent recent decline, as ‘the best league in the world’. This rare example of a cliché without a shred of truth (Spain’s La Liga has always had the edge in everything but the capacity to induce preposterous hype) is not, of course, his alone. The BBC propagates it with barely less fervour. The difference is that, where Gary Lineker is capable of admitting that a Premier League game was less than scintillating, Mr Keys is not. Supported by whichever permutation of pinhead pundits the afternoon or evening spews up, his devotion to his employer and the domestic competition that is its cash cow compels him to talk up every match as if it were a classic.

Being easily entertained is an enviable gift, but there comes a point at which it becomes hard to distinguish from an illness. The reassuring news for fans of Mr Keys is that he is in fact perfectly well, and finds much of the football as soporific as the rest of us, as a rare cock-up established in 2007. ‘Daft little ground, silly game, fuck off,’ was his verdict, unwittingly broadcast, on a Scottish trip to the Faroe Islands, lending a piquancy to the many times he has prissily apologised, as Sky presenters must, for profanities uttered by interviewees or bolshy tennis players.

If he could dredge up the same candour when aware that the microphone is live, and show some respect for an audience that may be marginally less thick and pliable than he imagines, it would improve him no end. But then, honestly appraising football matches is not his function. Sky Sports is the public relations arm of the Premier League, and Richard Keys its regrettably missing link between a PG Tips primate and Max Clifford.