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chapter two

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Overboard was the right decision.

There’s a gulp – and the great beast’s belly rumbles. The sled has been swallowed. Two seconds later and he would’ve swallowed us, too.


A monstrous roar cuts through the air.

‘C’mon!’ June shouts. She yanks me to my feet. Dirk pulls Quint from the snow, and we race out onto a wide street.

Snow whips through the air, like I’m inside a snow globe. It’s like when you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee but you can’t see anything. Only then, the worst-case scenario is you fall into an open toilet. Here the worst-case scenario is – y’know – death by monster.


Our bodies bounce. The snow-cracking CRUNCHES are deafening. The monster’s coming after us, but I only see its huge stomping legs.

‘Guys! We need to get to cover!’ I shout.

I’m using my Louisville Slicer like a cane, staggering forward while poking around. And that is not what the Louisville Slicer is for. It’s for battling monsters! It’s my ultimate weapon. I slayed Blarg with the Louisville Slicer! I battled Thrull with it! I sliced the lassos that held the King Wretch with it!


BLARG:

Big, brutal beast.


THRULL:

Man-monster! Undercover traitor monster!


KING WRETCH:

This dude gave me weird dream-visions and then his chest opened so Rezzoch could talk to me and, yeah, it was nuts.


THE LOUISVILLE SLICER:

My radical weapon.

It did damage to all these bad dudes.

I mean, that bat is basically my lightsaber!

CRUNCH!

The monster stomps grow louder. Up ahead, I see an opening – like the mouth of a cave . . . What the – where are we? I thought we were in the suburbs, but now we’ve stumbled upon some sort of cave situation?

‘Whoa, whoa,’ Dirk says. ‘Could be frost giants. Frost giants live in caves – learned that from Conan the Barbarian.’

June sighs. ‘Dudes, really? It’s not a cave! It’s the car wash!’

Another CRUNCH!

‘In we go!’ I say, and we race into the car wash tunnel.

Even inside, the cold is crippling. Quint’s teeth are chattering. We really need to upgrade our winter outfits – if we don’t, hypothermia might take us down before a monster –

RAWRRR!

The monster’s howl slices through the car wash, bouncing off the walls. ‘The big guy found us!’ June cries. It’s at the entrance.

The beast’s hot breath warms the air, turning the car wash tunnel into a humid haze.

Through the mist, I see the monster: a giant, one-armed beast with a single fistacular paw. One massive . . .

-MEATHOOK!-


This monster – Meathook – bends down. It peers into the car wash tunnel.

And that’s when I see there’s something on top of the beast. A figure wearing a dark cloak that snaps in the wind.

I gulp.

We carefully inch forward, peeking out around the tunnel’s corner. We watch the figure’s arm raise and clasp the cloak.

A hood is pulled back.

And then –

‘Whoa!’ I exclaim.

‘Oh my,’ Quint says.

June stammers, ‘It’s – it’s – it’s a person. A human!’

The Last Kids on Earth and the Cosmic Beyond

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