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This chapter is about the brain between our legs.

You don’t need to write a sex advice column to know that the Great Male Decision-Maker suffers from a low IQ and a large appetite, a sometimes deadly but mostly comic combination. If you did, you’d know what most of the questions in this chapter are about. I wouldn’t have to spell it out in big, long, and (did I mention) thick, letters.

Yes, the size of the prize is what draws the most letters. So let’s put the subject to rest: Yes, size matters. To size queens. To the rest of us, it’s right up there with six-pack abs and chiseled cheeks—nice, but nothing we’d throw you out of bed for if you didn’t have it.

First, a fact: Condom manufacturers say only 6 percent of the male population needs extra-large condoms. You can imagine how that makes the other 94 percent feel.

If big dicks mean better sex then that means only 6 percent of all men have great sex. I don’t think so. And neither do you, but it doesn’t matter. We know great sex has little to do with size yet we obsess about it anyway.

Most of the letters I get about the subject are pathetic (“How can I make it bigger?” “How can I at least make it look bigger?”). The small number of people—size queens—who truly believe that bigger dicks mean better sex, have inflicted a terrible inferiority complex on gay men.

Nothing captures the poignancy, the pain of this, our magnificent cultural failure, like the letter I received from a twenty-five year-old. Read it. It will change the way you think and talk about dick size.

Otherwise, the letters I get on the purple-headed custard chucker are all over the map. Sadly, the inability to ejaculate in the presence of someone you love seems to be a common problem among gay men.

Sad because it reflects how uncomfortable some of us have become with having sex in the context of love. Gay men have more sex than anyone on the planet and yet in some ways we’re the most inexperienced at it.

By trivializing sex, mechanizing it, “sizing” it, some of us have ended up removing it, permanently, from intimacy. Luckily, this is not the case for most gay men, who struggle with less tragic problems, like figuring out where their next ejaculation is going to land.

Hey, Woody!

Why are gay men so obsessed with penis size? I’m tired of going out on dates and having friends ask “how big was his bird?” I can just see my dates telling their friends how disappointed they were that they only got 6 inches when they reached into my pants. I don’t know, maybe I’m just bitter that I’m not bigger. I think I’m pretty normal-sized, but then, I don’t know what normal is. Do you?

—The normal hard

Dear Hard:

You know, the whole size obsession reminds me of a joke. Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.“”

The second one chirps up, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.“”

The third Catholic lady says smugly, “My son is a cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.“”

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, “Well?”

She replies, “My son is a 6’ 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Oh, my God.“”

The point is … wait, I’m looking for it … oh, here it is, right where I left it. The point is that our obsession with size is a joke and we’re the butt of it.

Here’s the set-up: We act like the totality of sexual pleasure can be reduced to a hash mark on a ruler. Here’s the punch line: It’s not true.

Here’s the proof: Ask yourself if the hottest sex you ever had involved a big dick. If you’re honest, the answer is no. The answer is much more likely to have involved an electrifying chemistry with the other guy, because he kissed so well, because you were flat-out in love with him, because his smell had a pheromonish effect on you, because Fill In The Blank But It Probably Had Nothing To Do With The Size Of His Dick.

Don’t get me wrong, size matters. Visually, but not sexually. When I think of the worst sex I’ve ever had, many of the sessions involved men with baseball bats between their legs.

Mutual desire, energy, love, lust, smell, sight, and a million other things in combination are more important than size. Alas, I know you’re going to obsess about size no matter what I say. But if you’re going to obsess do it with facts, not fear. And these are the facts: The largest study to date of “erect penile dimensions”—the Kinsey study—showed that the average erect dick size was 6.1 inches.

But the Kinsey study has a deal-breaking flaw: Kinsey’s subjects measured themselves. What was Kinsey thinking? Asking men to measure their penis size in private and then report it truthfully? That kind of optimism should be bottled.

The most reliable study of penis size to date appears to be out of the University of California, San Francisco (where else?). In 1996, researchers let 80 men measure themselves with an observer present (don’t ask, I’m just reporting it). And guess what? The average erect penis size dropped a whole inch from Kinsey’s study, to 5.1 inches.

In other words, left to their own devices, men lie. Shocking isn’t it? The study proved that lying about your dick-size is the most common male deception, second only to lying about your trick’s dick size.

Here are some other stats from the groundbreaking study: Average erect girth, 4.8 inches. Average flaccid length, 3.5 inches, average flaccid girth, 3.8 inches.

There have only been three penis size studies that urologists consider reliable. The interesting thing is that each time a reliable study is done, it shows shorter and shorter erect penis sizes. Why? Because we’re men. We lie, therefore we are.

Each successive study has had tighter and tighter controls to eliminate the, ahm, more creative mathematical interpretations of the ruler. Sadly, urologists are faced with the dilemma of men with normal-sized dicks wanting penile augmentation surgery because their sense of inadequacy is as big as the lies we tell ourselves.

Instead of fretting over how big we are, we should be concentrating on the real reasons that make sex with a man so great—the way he moves, the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he shtuups. And don’t forget the greatest thing of all: The physical and emotional energy he brings out in you.

Hey, Woody!

I’m getting penis envy from hanging around the online chat rooms. Amazingly, the average dick size in these chat rooms is eight inches! Yes, eight inches! I know because people tell me so. Of course, they’re measuring from the crack of their ass to the tip of their lies, but maybe I’m being a sore sport. My question: For those of us who want to know how big our dicks REALLY are, what’s the best way of measuring them?

—Digging deep for one last inch

Dear Digger:

There are three great lies in gay life:

1.“I’m bisexual”

2.“I go to bars for the music”

3.“I have an eight inch dick”

You can’t really prove the first two, but there’s no hiding the third, unless you’re online.

Penile size can be measured in a lot of ways. Obviously, the differences will impact the results. There are two widely recognized ways to measure the treasure. The most common is the “You Wish” method first popularized by America Online’s chat rooms. It involves looking at your pinky and describing it as a thigh.

The more accurate method, preferred by urologists unconcerned with scoring potential, involves the following:

1. Using a paper tape measure, not a ruler

2. Measuring to the nearest half-centimeter, not the nearest half-foot

3. Measuring flaccid length as soon as you undress (room temperature and other factors will affect length and girth)

4. Boy, are you guys going to scream at this one: Forget about starting the measurement from where your balls meet your dick. The proper measurement starts at the junction of skin between your pubic hair area and the base of your dick. In other words, when you’re erect, measure the side of the penis facing your stomach. I know. It sucks. But that’s how all studies do it.

Actually, there’s a much faster and easier way to measure your cock. You don’t even need to get hard to do it. All you have to do is stretch your flaccid flogger and measure it from the penopubic region to the tip. Believe it or not, every major study shows a high correlation between erectile and flaccid-stretched length.

To measure girth, use your partner’s mouth and … wait. No, that’s later. Place the edge of the tape measure on your erectness right under the glans (you know, the edge of the “helmet”). When all is said and done, the majority of us will fall somewhere near 5.1 inches in length and 4.8 inches in girth.

Skip the weepy letters about how awful it is to have an average-sized dick. Studies show that men with larger than average penises do not report greater sexual satisfaction than men with average-sized dicks.

I know you didn’t hear me so I’m going to say it again: Having a bigger dick doesn’t mean you’ll have a more satisfying sex life.

Hey, Woody!

I like it when guys play with my balls but one overly ambitious squeeze and it hurts like a mother. My dick may be sensitive but I’m never afraid of guys hurting it. I am afraid, though, of having my balls hurt. Why does sensitivity in my dick mean pleasure but in my balls it means pain?

—Scrotum-scratcher

Dear Scrotum-scratcher:

Why are our balls so sensitive? Survival of the species. Mother Nature made our testicles sensitive so we’d stand guard over her precious jewels. The more we guard, the more likely we’re able to impregnate women. Some of us, anyway.

Of course, what nobody tells you is that Mother Nature is a post-op transsexual. What else could explain the fact that she made testicles the genetic equivalent of female ovaries? The same sack of cells that become testicles in men become ovaries in women. The testes actually rest inside the pelvis during fetal development and descend before birth.

Testicles are home to seminiferous tubules where sperm is produced. “Seminiferous” means to contain or convey semen. It’s just another way of saying “My Boyfriend’s Mouth,” really.

The testes (another word for testicles) also rent out space to interstitial cells which produce a majority of your testosterone, which as you know, is the reason you’re such a pig.

Testes is Latin for “to testify.” Instead of placing their right hand on the Bible, the early Romans put their hand on their testicles when they testified in a court of law. We’re just a couple of centuries late from hearing the judge say “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help your balls?”

Hey, Woody!

I’m in my mid-twenties, I’m good-looking and I know it. I work out five days a week and you could slice tomatoes on my stomach—my abs are that ripped. For the past two months I’ve been dating a great guy. He is all that and a bag of chips. He has just about anything you would want in a man. So what could possibly be wrong? Me, gym bunny, can’t come when I’m having sex with this guy. I mean sometimes I can, but mostly I can’t, even when he’s fucking me. I’ve always had this problem but it gets worse when I really like a guy. And this guy I really like. Do you have any suggestions or helpful hints? I’ve tried different kinds of positions but nothing really helps. Oh, and one more thing. Is there any physical damage to having sex regularly but NOT coming?

—Full of muscles and too much cum

Dear Full:

Mid-twenties and ripped abs, you say? Too bad I don’t make house calls; I’d milk you like a cow.

First, the easy question. No, chronic avoidance of ejaculation will not harm you. Your spooge will come out anyway through nocturnal emissions. It will, however, make you temporarily less likely to fertilize an egg. But, just between us boys, unless we’re talking about omelets who cares about eggs?

You’re suffering from “retarded ejaculation.” Well, that’s what the doctors call it when they’re awake and sober, which frankly, is happening less and less since the advent of managed care.

They also call it “ejaculatory incompetence.” It’s an inhibition of the ejaculatory reflex in the presence of a partner. About one to four percent of men suffer from it, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

If you have any sexual dysfunction always check out the possibility there may be a medical condition causing it. You said you could come when you’re jerking off alone, so congratulations, there’s nothing medically wrong with you. You’re just nuts.

Or maybe you’re just on drugs. The kind that “retard” ejaculation. Anti-depressants are famous for keeping the baby from burping. So are other drugs like guanethidine, which lowers blood pressure.

If there’s no medical or drug explanation, experts say the leading causes of retarded ejaculation are: 1) Strict religious backgrounds (can you spell “G-U-I-L-T?”); 2) Deeply-grooved masturbation patterns (you can only come if you’re doing the one thing you’ve been doing for years); and 3) Traumatic events (being discovered while masturbating, finding out your lover is cheating, or worse, finding out he’s NOT cheating).

If the problem is situational, a little mental re-framing can help. You can’t “will” yourself into an ejaculation any more than you can will yourself to sleep or to sweat. So don’t “try.” The harder you try the more inhibited you’ll become. The only way to master an involuntary reflex is to stop caring so much about it. If it’s not that big a deal whether you ejaculate, you’ll have more ejaculations.

Very Zen, isn’t it?

And twisted, too. The only way you can get what you really want is by not wanting it? How fucked is that? But it’s true. It’s one of the key components in treating involuntary dysfunctions.

Your problem isn’t situational though, it’s chronic. And for that you need to get on the couch and figure out what issue you’re dealing with. Therapy’s success rate is very high, around 70–80 percent in 12–18 sessions if you go to a sex therapist. Don’t go to a regular therapist.

And for God’s sakes, don’t go to the psychologist my editor goes to. Actually, he goes to a psycholofist, the kind that put their hands up your ass in search of an insight. Which explains a lot about my editor, come to think of it.

Hey, Woody!

I just saw some porn videos by this French company called Bel Ami—you know, the ones with that hot guy “Lucas.” Can I just say three words? Oh. My. God. But I digress. The videos were filled with gorgeous but uncircumcised men. I’ve been with a lot of men, but never with an uncut one, so it was kind of shocking for me to see it. Still, I was really turned on by it. Now I’m dying to go home with an uncut guy, but I can’t find anybody! Why is that? Also, if there’s more skin on the penis does that mean there’s more feeling in it?

—Feelin’ gypped cuz I got clipped

Dear Gyp:

How do you get uncut guys? The same way you get uncut cocaine—you leave the country. About 85 percent of the world’s male population is uncircumcised. Experts think only about 20 percent of American men are uncut (am I the only one wondering who takes the count, and where do you sign up to assist?).

Basically, if you want to swim with the hoods you’re going to have to hang in their ‘hoods. The 20 percent of Americans who are uncut are probably of Latino descent or from other cultures that don’t have a strong tradition of cutting the man out of their boys.

As a culture, we believe that circumcised penises are more hygienic, even though there is no real supporting data. Some reports show circumcision lowers risks for infant urinary tract infections, penile cancer, and possibly-maybe-but-nobody’s-sure, sexually transmitted diseases. But come on, infant urinary tract infections aren’t very common and penile cancer is extremely rare.

We’ve turned circumcision into a fashion statement and disguised it as a medical need so we can feel good about it.

In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics was so unimpressed with the clipping crowd that in 1975 it recommended that circumcision no longer be performed as a routine procedure because it wasn’t medically necessary.

Most experts agree that the uncircumcised penis is more sexually sensitive. It makes sense if you think about it—the heads of most American dicks are constantly rubbing up against underwear (or, for some of you out in the bars, denim), while our compatriots around the world get to wear protective sausage sacks. Well, no wonder Latinos are so passionate! They’re feeling so much more than we are. Too bad we can’t paste our foreskins back on. I’d do it faster than you could say “prepuce.”

Hey, Woody!

Several years ago a boyfriend squeezed the head of my cock just as I was about to ejaculate. He was trying to stop a premature ejaculation but I came anyway and it hurt like a motherfucker. Later on I developed what I think is Peyronie’s disease—a bent erection. Plus, the head of my cock doesn’t engorge as much as it used to. Medication given to me by a urologist helped very little. He said surgery is my best bet. Is it?

—Bent over

Dear Bent:

Peyronie’s Disease (curvature of the penis) can develop from drama to the penis. Wait, that’s not right. If that were true, my dick would look like a pretzel. I meant “trauma.”

As in rough sex trauma, or in your case, shit-for-brains boyfriend trauma. Here’s what most likely happened to you: When Mr. Stand Back I Know What I’m Doing squeezed your cock, the pressure from the ejaculation caused microscopic tears in the vascular pathway. As it healed, scar tissue formed and allowed plaque to build up, essentially calcifying the direction of your joystick.

Scar tissue pulls on one side of the tissue while expanding the other, creating the unseemly bend that marks Peyronie’s disease. If it’s a slight case, vitamin E taken orally might help. Forget the creams, they’re like AOL chat room profiles—all hat and no cattle. Approximately 20 percent of the cases resolve spontaneously. If yours doesn’t, surgery is the only effective way of straightening you out.

Surgery on your dick may sound scary, but think of it as an orgy: You’re laying there with your thighs wide open and everybody around you wants a piece of you.

Hey, Woody!

Sometimes I go weeks without so much as beating off. When I finally break my “fast” I get an awful cramp-like feeling when I cum. It sort of feels like it’s coming from the bottom of my ass. It goes away after a few minutes but I’m concerned.

—Getting off but getting worried

Dear Worried:

It’s probably just a muscle cramp. The bulbocoxygeous muscles control ejaculation and are closely related to the genital and lower rectum muscles.

Which reminds me, are all scientists drunk when they name body parts?

Anyway, during ejaculation, these muscles pulse and contract like your eyes do at a college wrestling meet—you know, involuntarily. This helps propel semen out through the urethra.

The bulbocoxygeous muscles are likely to cramp up when their hibernation is suddenly and forcefully terminated. When you don’t cum for a long time, your load would strain the fittest UPS delivery man, so what do you think it’s doing to your “bulbo” muscles? Your question calls for the answer I love to give: “Have more sex.”

Hey, Woody!

The good news is that I got us into the soccer play-offs by blocking the opposing team’s penalty kick. The bad news is I blocked it with my crotch. I’m still limping from it. My question: Why did my stomach hurt so much if it was my balls that took the hit?

—Ballsy

Dear Ballsy:

The reason your stomach hurt so much is that the testes are connected to the abdomen by nerves and blood vessels. Testes form in the abdominal cavity and then they descend into the scrotum sack before birth.

Warning—tangent coming up: “Undescended” testicles are fairly common in premature babies and occur in about 4 percent of all full-term babies. If they can’t “find” your testes (funny, my boyfriend never has that problem), an abdominal ultrasound may help figure out where the suckers went.

Okay—back from the tangent. Getting a soccer ball kicked into your groin is no laughing matter. I’m wincing even as I type. The recommendation: Ice packs for the first 24 hours, followed by sitz baths, and then by prayer. A blow like that could result in “testicular torsion,” a serious emergency where the testicle becomes twisted in the scrotum and loses its blood supply. You’ve got about two hours from the time it happens for a doc to relieve the twisting or you can literally kiss your testicle goodbye.

Hey, Woody!

When I woke up from penis enlargement surgery, my penis was way swollen and covered in a kind of maroonish purple color. Injecting fat into my dick was part of the procedure and there were stitches all over the place. My stomach was bandaged and so were my thighs where the fat had been suctioned out (I didn’t have enough fat in my stomach so they took it from my legs).

Seven months later I’m still bruised from the liposuction and my dick hurts like hell. My new enlarged penis has a marble-like lump close to the head with two smaller bumps around the base. I’m headed for surgery again, to undo the mutilation. I don’t have a question for you, what I have is a warning for all your readers and I can sum it up in one word: DON’T.

—Did and regretted it

Dear Did:

Oh, come on, you big crybaby. The 98 percent of you guys who suffer the anatomical abominations of penis enlargement surgery ruin it for the 2 percent who walk away satisfied.

I refuse to discourage people from experiencing crooked, lumpy, and deformed shafts, erections that point downward, raw nerves caught in scar tissue, and fluid that chronically collects around the testicles.

So what if every major medical association in this country considers penis augmentation to be experimental surgery? So what if the surgery is so controversial and yields such poor results that it’s considered unacceptable by both plastic surgeons and urologists (unless you fall into the 2 percent of people identified as having a “micro-phallus”)?

I say go for it. Don’t let facts and common sense over-rule your vanity. I say plunk down $7,000 to $10,000 for penile augmentation surgery, especially if you have an averaged-sized dick. You wouldn’t be alone. Most of the guys requesting the surgery are average-sized.

There is a cheaper, alternative form of penis enlargement, though. The procedure is simple: You put your penis on my desk, I whack it with a hammer, and it swells for about six months. It gives you the same results as the surgery at a fraction of the cost.

Dude, you needed help between the ears, not between your legs. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

Hey, Woody!

Maybe it’s my imagination but it seems guys with bigger dicks have a tougher time achieving full erections than guys with smaller dicks.

—Am I right or wrong?

Dear Wrong:

See my greeting for the answer. Most urologists don’t report a connection between big dicks and a rougher time getting a full erection.

However, researchers believe it may be easier to treat erectile dysfunction in men with shorter dicks. Because so many treatments rely on partially increasing blood flow to the penis, they believe treatment for erectile dysfunction is more effective in men with smaller dicks (because they require less blood to fill them up).

My ex-boyfriend would have made a great treatment for erectile dysfunction. Small dicks, big dicks, it wouldn’t matter. He understood the concept of blood flowing to the penis like no one else. Too bad he doesn’t come in pill form.

Hey, Woody!

I’ve gone on a date with this guy three times. We mash and do everything but cum, because he won’t let me (or himself). Something about “Let’s wait.” It’s like dating a girl. But my question is this: My testicles are sore after our sessions. Why?

—All balled up

Dear Ball:

You, my friend, are experiencing blue-balls, or technically-speaking, “prostatic congestion.” It’s caused by a build-up of semen in the prostate and seminal vesicles, the two glands that produce most of the semen your date refuses to unleash. Sperm can literally build up, creating pressure and pain around the testicles.

Here’s what happens: You’re on the couch mashing with a hottie but, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to give you what you deserve. Your sperm get trapped in the highway traffic jam because Mr. You Won’t Respect Me In The Morning refuses to grant you an exit lane. When blood stays in the genitals for a long enough time, it can cause achiness (blue-balls).

You’ve got three options when it happens: Take an aspirin, a warm shower, or do the job yourself. Orgasm really does relieve “blue-balls.”

Hey, Woody!

Sometimes I get a hard-on so hard it hurts and the problem is that it won’t go away for hours. Should I be worried?

—Hurtin’ when it’s hard

Dear Hurtin':

Sounds to my experts like you may have a condition called priapism. It’s a prolonged and painful erection that can last from several hours up to a few days. The blood flows into the penis, but it won’t drain normally.

When the blood in the penis becomes stagnant it can acidify and lose oxygen—like your friends on the dance floor at 6 a.m. Without oxygen, the red blood cells become stiff—again like your friends—and even less able to squeeze their way out of the penis. Wait, that sounds more like MY friends.

Priapism can be caused by penile injections used to treat some forms of impotence. Some anti-depressants can cause it too. Another cause of priapism are certain medical conditions like anemia or leukemia. You MUST go see a doctor. Priapism can scar the penis if not treated early enough, and can lead to impotence.

Oh, and you’ll love how they’ll drain your dick—by sticking it with a big fat needle. If that’s what you’re up against, remember the words my father uttered when I was ten years old. He poured me a shot of whiskey and said “It’s never too late to start drinking.”

Hey, Woody!

I spent a lot of time in Europe and I got really turned on by uncircumcised penises. It’s the norm over there. I love the sharp odor. I call it “dickincense.”

In America, dicks smell just like any other body part. I’m going out with a European living in the U.S. and thank God I get a faceful of dickincense and myrrh when I unzip his fly. My question is, when does the distinctive odor turn offensive? Sometimes I go from being turned on to turned off because it smells a little different.

—Taking the time to smell the smegma

Dear Smeg:

Smegma and sweat combine like high and low pressure zones to produce the kind of wind that sets sails or droops mastheads, depending on your personal choice.

Smegma is a cheesy secretion found under the foreskin. It’s also found under the Capitol Rotunda when Congress is in session. Smegma can act as a natural lube, though I suspect most Americans aren’t ready for that visual. Smegma can be a friend, despite its off-putting name. Clinical studies show it has antibacterial and anti-viral properties.

Still, macaroni and cheese should be served on the dinner table, not in the bedroom, so pulling back the foreskin and washing away excess smegma is important. Hygienically, if excess smegma isn’t washed away, it can turn to glue, preventing the foreskin from easily moving back and forth along the head of the penis.

If his penis perfume turns bad, it could be an infection. Yes, women aren’t the only ones who can bake someone happy with a yeast infection. But you’ll know if that’s what it is—there’s redness and abnormal pus. To prevent infection, uncircumcised men need to retract their foreskin and wash with soap and water every day. Sorry, boyfriend spit doesn’t have the cleaning power to do the job.

Hey, Woody!

I’m constantly comparing my dick size to other guys and I always feel like I’m smaller than average. Intellectually, I know I’m at least average size (I’ve asked some of my partners and they’ve all said I’m actually bigger than average), but why does it FEEL like I have a small dick? I’m kind of obsessed about it. In the locker room I check other guys out and they always look bigger than I do. I’m not a size queen, I just want to feel okay about what I’ve got, but I don’t. Any words of wisdom?

—A lobster who feels like a shrimp

Dear Lobster:

Perception is everything. And perception is often colored by position. Like the position of your eyes when you look. Guys always look bigger than you do because you’re looking down at yours and straight on at theirs. When you look down at something it always looks shorter than if you look straight at it. If you’re going to go through the process of comparing yourself to other guys, at least be fair to yourself. Look at your dick from the same angle you look at others. Use a mirror.

You need to heal this obsession you have about being smaller than other guys. First, get some facts to fight your fiction. Measure yourself with a cloth tape. Compare your pole to the polls: The average length of a penis is 3.5 inches when it’s flaccid and 5.1 inches when it’s hard. No, that wasn’t a typo. The average length of a man’s erect penis is 5.1. inches.

However, the average length of a man’s imagination is eight inches, and that’s the problem. A while ago Men’s Fitness did a poll of over 5,000 men aged 29-32, asking them to guess the average size of a man’s erect penis. Fifteen percent said seven inches, four percent said eight inches and two percent said nine inches.

It just goes to show you how clueless men are about size. And just about any other aspect of sex. Especially straight men. Men’s Fitness reported how a sex expert went to a bar and asked men to pinpoint a woman’s clitoris on a diagram. The ninth guy got it right. Good thing the expert didn’t ask gay guys to pinpoint a man’s heart. He’d still be at the bar.

Anyway, make sure you’re measuring correctly. I hate to dash your hopes on the rocks of reality, but forget about measuring from your balls to the tip of your cock. That’s how tacos get confused with burritos. The only acceptable standard in sex research is to measure it from the base of the penis facing your stomach when you’re lying down. Odd, how the word “lying” seems so appropriate in discussions about size, eh?

Hey, Woody!

I have seen many a schlong in my life—big ones, small ones, fat ones, skinny ones, hooded ones, bald ones—you name, it I’ve seen it. Curiously, they all had one thing in common: They were darker than the bodies they dangled from. Why doesn’t the color of dicks match their owner’s bodies?

—Wondering when I’m not slobbering

Dear Wondering:

Hey, what about the scrotum? It has a darker coloration too. But no, you didn’t mention that, Mr. Penis-centric. As a journalist once asked a bunch of Nixon-obsessed historians, “Dick, Dick, Dick. Is that all you guys think about?”

Anyway, back to the question. The answer depends on Dick’s condition (yours, not Nixon’s. He’s dead, you know). Is he saluting or lying in the hammock? If he’s hard, his skin will look darker because anything engorged with blood is going to darken. Well, except vegetarians. They look pasty whether they’re engorged or not.

Actually, dicks are generally darker than the bodies they hang from, whether they’re hard or soft. At birth they start out the same color. But at puberty, Nature introduces Willie to a special friend—your hand.

As Mr. Nice To Meet You, Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who’ll listen, someone needs to teach you the difference between a handshake and a chokehold. But I digress.

Genitals will darken with or without your insolent hands. It’s part of the sexual maturation process. But being manhandled hastens the process. If we grabbed our faces the way we grab our dicks, the skin on our cheeks would look like a tar pit, too.

Hey, Woody!

Help me shoot farther, man! I want to explode like a rocket when I cum but I end up dripping like a leaky faucet instead. When I’m cumming I feel like my whole body is going to explode—like I’m going to shoot all over the room, so why does it just dribble out? I get jealous whenever I watch porn and see these guys painting walls from across the room. Is there any way to increase my “shooting” range?

—Dribbler

Dear Dribbler:

There’s little you can do to increase the arc of your spark. Genetics plays the biggest factor. Only a lucky few are born with the ability to spray semen like a depressed teenager with an Uzi at a suburban high school.

There actually are two things you can do to increase the spread of your spray, but they’re a hassle and take a lot of discipline. First, stop whacking off so much. The more ejaculate you “save,” the more distance you’ll earn. It’s like a pressure valve—the more the pressure, the harder you’ll blow. But hell, who wants to reduce the frequency of coming just so you can shot-put the white stuff a few inches farther?

Orgasms happen via a spinal cord reflex that causes strong rhythmic contractions in the urogenital system. Your ejaculation isn’t ruled by your hand, your partner’s mouth, or your wild imagination. It’s ruled by the urethra, the prostate, and the muscles at the base of the penis as they involuntarily contract.

You can’t do anything to strengthen the urethra or the prostate other than having frequent orgasms (they’re not kidding when they say “use it or lose it”). Wouldn’t it be great if you could work out the urethra and the prostate at the gym? Imagine the lines at the machines. Or asking somebody for a spot.

The muscles at the base of the penis (pubococcygeous muscles, otherwise known as the PC muscles) can be strengthened through Kegel exercises. How do you figure out where the muscles are? Well, you know when you’re peeing on your partner and he changes his mind and orders you to stop and you shut yourself off mid-stream? Those are the muscles.

Just contract and relax them in a series of sets. Hold them tight for 10 seconds and let them go. Vary them by doing “butterflies” (contracting and relaxing as fast as you can). Work up to hundreds of these a day. After a few months, you should notice stronger, more powerful orgasms and ejaculations. Yes, you read right, I said after a few MONTHS.

If it’s any consolation, most of the porn personnel (sorry, I can’t bring myself to call them “stars”) can’t shoot very far either. To get the money shot they want, directors will often use synthetic semen which is shot-squeezed from a small tube. The preferred substance is condensed milk.

I want to see Jeff Stryker, milk-mustached, hawking dairy products in magazines with a headline asking “Shot Milk?” Talk about new uses for an old product.

Hey, Woody!

A straight friend started poking his girlfriend right after a vasectomy. I told him he should wait cuz he could still get her pregnant. He said “Shut-up, you’re gay, what do you know?”

I said let’s bet and if I’m wrong, you blow me. Please tell me I’m right.

—Waiting to collect

Dear Waiting:

Drop your drawers and buy him some kneepads. A vasectomy cuts or blocks the vas deferens, the tube that carries sperm away from the testicles (and adds it to the liquid components of semen). But sperm already in the pipeline can still cause pregnancy. The ideal is to wait for 30 days or about ten ejaculations to flush out remaining sperm.

Even then, I wouldn’t recommend poking his girlfriend without first going back to the doctor with a sample of ejaculatory fluid for a sperm count test. Until he knows for sure he’s shooting blanks, he needs to use birth control.

About 500,000 vasectomies are performed annually. It’s an outpatient procedure that takes 15 to 20 minutes. About the time it’ll take him to give you a long, slobbery blow job.

Hey, Woody!

How do you check yourself for testicular cancer?

—Going nuts with fear

Dear Nuts:

Checking your balls should be a monthly routine. First, take a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum and have it descend to its lowest level. Then roll each testicle between your fingers and press gently. It should be smooth and oval-shaped, like a hard-boiled egg.

You’re looking for lumps or hard areas that don’t seem to belong in the neighborhood. Interestingly, tumors are more likely to be found in the right testicle than the left. I swear, whether it’s tumors or arrogance, the right always has more than the left.

Warning: Tangent approaching. If your boyfriend tries to cut your balls off for cheating and he only slices one of them on account of you’re fast and easy and that’s what got you into trouble in the first place, the good news is that one testicle is plenty to produce enough testosterone to get it up and cheat again. It doesn’t take much for the nectar of the gods to do its job. Of course, your tricks might gross out. In that case, you can have a synthetic testicle inserted, much like the way artificial breasts are inserted into half the women in Hollywood.

Testicular cancer is the most common form of cancer for guys up to age 35. It’s highly curable if, IF, you detect it early. If you’re lump-free, celebrate and jerk yourself off. Hell, you’re already down there, why waste the trip?

Hey, Woody!

When my partner was fucking me really hard his dick slipped out right before he was going to ram me. He ended up jamming it into my perineum instead. He screamed in pain and we haven’t fucked since. He’s blaming it on me, saying he’s afraid I might “break his penis.” How do I get back what I gotta have?

—Dick breaker

Dear Dick:

A penis can’t “break” in the normal sense of the word because there is no bone in it. Well, at least the ones I’ve tried to break haven’t.

What can break is one of the three tubes that hold the blood of an erection. But if this happened your partner would have acted like he read this column—he would have heard a popping sound and then he would’ve doubled over in pain. And when he looked up his dick would be severely bruised.

Your problem sounds more like a trust issue than a medical one. Talk to him about it and be everything I’m not: kind, patient, and sensitive. Have gentle oral and manual sex and work your way up to the slash-and-burn fucking.

Hey, Woody!

I can just look at a hot guy and—oh, dear—there go the buttons on my jeans. It’s, totally involuntarily, like magic. But I know there’s a science to it, too. What exactly happens “down there” when I get the Man-hots?

—Just curious

Dear Just:

Well, you’re right, it’s not magic. Your manhood doesn’t throb because elves spray trixie-dust on it. It throbs because the blood in your body decided it was time to play “pack the sausage.”

The penis has a head and body (glans and shaft). And for once in male life, the head has more say than the body. That’s because the head, or glans, has a higher concentration of nerve endings than the shaft.

The entire penis has a lot of nerve endings that make it sensitive to touch, pressure, and temperature. The glans has a coronal ridge separating it from the shaft (the outer edge of the “helmet”).

On the underside of the penis (the side your trick sees when he kneels in front of you) there’s a small triangular region where a thin strip of skin called the frenulum attaches to the glans. Both the coronal ridge and the frenulum are highly sensitive. Slurp there and he’s yours for the night.

The shaft of the penis is made up of three cylinders of soft, spongy tissue, which contain a lot of small blood vessels. What you think of as Man-Meat Magic is actually the blood vessels of the spongy tissues filling with blood and swelling up. That’s the science. The art is finding a port that will dock your swollen ship and let you unload the precious cargo.

The transition from a soft (flaccid) penis to a harder, stiffer penis is called getting an erection. In my house it’s simply known as “Dinner.”

Hey, Woody!

Latex is a pillar-killer. I generally have no problem catching and holding a lumber-yard worth of wood, but when I put on a condom, the loss of sensation and something psychological about it, brings me down to about 3 out of 5 stars on the bone-meter.

This is usually not a big deal since most guys, once I’ve gotten them nice and relaxed, can easily accommodate me. Once I get going, we’re right back on terra-firma regardless of the rubber.

But recently I’ve been seeing this gorgeous guy who’s just … well … really tight, no matter how relaxed he is. This would be a blessing if we could get going with the horizontal hula, but my rubber-covered “semi” just ain’t stiff enough to part the curtains, and losing the latex ain’t an option.

We’ve tried lots of things to relax him more, and keep me hard, and nothing works. Of course, the mental part gets a little worse with each failed attempt. Any suggestions? I don’t think I can do “cock rings” … I think they look silly and the idea seems kind of unhealthy.

—Too soft to boff

Dear Softie:

First, you need to know that a lot of men experience what you’re going through. You ain’t the first witch to yell “Help me, I’m melting.”

Don’t run from cock rings till you try them. There’s absolutely nothing unhealthy about it. They come in three of my favorite flavors—rubber, leather and metal. Cock rings fasten around the base of the penis and testicles to keep the pillar from peeling. It works by trapping the blood in the penis. Go for the adjustable straps, that way you can adjust to your size. The metal rings can be hard to pull off, so don’t get them unless you want to stand in the middle of the emergency room trying to explain why you can’t get rid of your hard-on.

There is also a multi-ringed toy called the Gates of Hell, but something tells me you’re not ready for it.

If you’re dead set against the ring, I have three suggestions:

1. Relax, nobody performs well under self-induced pressure. It’s okay not to fuck every time you’re with him. Do everything but that, the next few times you see him.

2. Introduce him to a boy toy, like Peter the Penetrator. A dildo, or artificial penis, is usually made of stiff flesh-colored latex and runs about 6 to 9 inches in total length. Pant, pant. They also make them smaller, for beginners. I can’t think of a better way of loosening him up.

3. Viagra. But I have to qualify this because there’s a danger you’ll end up using Viagra as a crotch-crutch. I think you should use it a two or three times as a way to reverse the mental spiral you’re in about not getting it up. Once you’ve gained your confidence (and he a wider stretch), stop taking the Viagra and swim without the water wings. But talk to the doc first. About 10 percent of men taking Viagra report side effects like headaches, dizziness, facial flushing, indigestion, and visual disturbance. You know, like when you listen to Jerry Falwell. Do not use Viagra with nitrate medications, and forget the entire recommendation if you have even the hint of a heart condition.

Hey, Woody!

I’m 38 and I jerk off every day without fail. Sometimes twice a day. Is this normal for my age? Also, will jerking off that much increase my chances of getting prostate cancer since I’m over-using the gland?

—Worried I’ll break something

Dear Worried:

Once a day for your age is higher than average but within the normal range. Better to use it too much than not enough. “Use it or lose it” isn’t just an excuse for your hands to migrate south, it’s the official tested and studied conclusion of sex experts. The less you use your sexual plumbing, the more problems you’re going to have pumping the well later on.

As far as too much ejaculation causing prostate cancer, that sounds like something a catholic priest would say. What is true is that the prostate is a little temperamental about how much ejaculatory fluid to produce. Any dramatic increase or decrease in the frequency of ejaculation irritates it, which sometimes leads to prostatitis, or inflammation of the prostate. Like any factory, it likes a schedule.

Hey, Woody!

Why do I have this line all the way down my penis and over my testicles?

—Linear man

Dear Linear:

It means if you don’t keep your hands where they belong your dick is going to crack open in half like a coconut. Well, that’s what my priest told me when I was twelve, anyway.

Actually, it’s like a “seam” on the underside of the penis. It forms when the fetus is in the uterus. In women, the seam becomes the inner lips of their vagina. In men, the seam encloses the urethra along the length of the penis.

Hey, Woody!

My scrotum seems to ride high against my body, hardly ever lowering like most guys. Should I worry?

—Worried about my boys

Dear Worried:

The scrotum is the sack that holds the testicles. It has a muscle affected by temperature. When it’s warm, the muscle pulls out a lawn chair and starts sunning itself, making the scrotum and testicles hang lower. Cold makes it fold the lawn chair up and bring the boys in for some hot chocolate. There is a condition that prevents testicles from descending into the scrotum.

Check it out by feeling your testicles (with your own hands, thank you) inside your scrotum. There’s a reason we call them nuts—they should feel like peanuts in their shells. If you can’t feel them or you’re confused, get an appointment with a urologist and ask him if you’re nuts. Or whether you have any in your scrotum.

Hey, Woody!

You’ve talked about the length and girth of our prized puppies but you’ve never talked about the angle of the dangle. I’ve slept with guys who hard up in all kinds of angles—some like a rocket, some like a boomerang and others like the Tower of Pisa. Is there an average angle?

—Working all the angles

Dear Angler:

According to the experts the best way to measure the trajectory of your hard-on (mine’s always aiming “mouthward”), is to stand with your back against the wall. Then get yourself hard. Better yet, get somebody else to get you hard. If the head of your dick points directly in front of you, you’ve hardened at 90 degrees. 180 degrees means the head of your dick points to the ceiling. The average? 106 degrees.

Hey, Woody!

I keep hearing about exercising your “penis muscles.” Hell, I thought I was doing that every time I entered my partner. What am I missing?

—Too busy playing to exercise

Dear Busy:

Just as every team exercises before playing the game, every member should exercise before playing the field. If you really want to get good at sex you have to master the domain between your legs.

Strictly speaking, your penis isn’t a muscle, so you can’t exercise it. You can take it for a swim in the tunnel of love or make it do push-ups and pull-ups with your hands, but it’s not the same thing. It’s the muscles around your penis that need exercising. Namely, the pubococcygeal—“PC”—muscles, which are located in the lower pelvis and form a horizontal sling between your legs.

Did someone say “sling"? Yes, but not the kind that makes you scream “Mount me, Hercules, I am your mare!” This sling is filled with muscles crucial to putting the flex back in sex. Experts agree that regularly exercising your PC muscles (also called Kegels) can increase the strength of your erection, give you more control of your ejaculations, and deliver more powerful orgasms. Daily exercising gives you more contractions when you ejaculate. And who doesn’t want that?

Finding your PC muscles is easy. Next time you’re taking a piss, start and stop the flow of urine. The muscles you use to stop pissing are your PC muscles.

The basic exercises are the “Flutter” (tighten and let go quickly) and the “Pinch and Hold” (tighten and don’t let go till you count to 15). You need to work up to a couple of hundred reps a day for a few weeks before you notice the effects.

To get the best of your Kegel exercises, don’t do them all while sitting or standing. Try Kegeling while lying on your back or side, or while squatting. Different positions help give your PC muscles better tone. Try doing “Kegels” when you’re hard, too. Squeezing the PC muscles after you’ve pitched your pup tent makes your penis jerk up. Have your partner hold a finger about an inch above your penis and flex hard enough to touch it 10 times in a row. Or go for the bonus round by placing your partner’s mouth an inch away. Now that’s what I call home fitness training.

Of course, my favorite Kegel exercise is what I call “Lift and Separate.” Enter your partner, flex, and watch him separate. Your partner can do it, too. It’ll feel like your penis is getting massaged. Sticking to an exercise regimen will help you stick it to your partner but good. Now hit the floor and give me a hundred Kegels.

Hey, Woody!

I’ve been thinking of getting a penile augmentation procedure to give me a bigger cock. Only thing is, it scares me to go under the knife. What if they cut the wrong thing? Still, I feel as if making myself bigger is the only way to compete with all the pretty boys. Should I do it?

—Uncut

Dear Uncut:

When are we gay men going to learn that what’s between our ears has more to do with sexual satisfaction than what’s between our legs? We’re like Republicans who make a living flogging the welfare system even though it represents maybe 3 percent of the gross national product. Penis size represents even less than that of our gross sexual pleasure but that’s the only thing we pay attention to.

That’s not to say that big cocks aren’t a turn-on; they are. But so what if you’re not big? The hottest sex rarely involves size. It’s about how someone touches you, looks at you, feels to you; it’s how they woo you, how they shtuup you, how they kiss you; how they move in bed, how they move on you; how they move the earth. If you think having a bigger dick gives you a better sex life, forget it. Research shows no difference in reported sexual satisfaction between men who have sockeye salmons swimming against the current of their jeans and men who have tadpoles lapping up their boxers. According to men with big dicks, men with big dicks are no more sexually satisfied than men with small or medium-sized dicks.

The emphasis on size in the gay community is overwhelming. It’s like a run-a-away eighteen-wheeler careening down an icy hill. It slams everything off the road, especially the people who try to slow it down. We insist that “bigger is better” and snidely brush off the possibility that cock size isn’t important.

There is profound misery in the gay community about “measuring up.” And the irony is that some of the bigger specimens among us are the loudest complainers. “During routine physicals I’ve seen some of the biggest penises in captivity,” one of my medical advisors told me. “And it’s pitiful because these guys are convinced they’re small.”

What’s even more pitiful is what urologists say: Most of the men seeking penile augmentation have normal-sized dicks. Urologists also report that many men don’t care about their erections getting bigger, they just want to attract more attention in the locker room (there’s actually a procedure for making your flaccid penis bigger without impacting the size of your erect penis).

So do I think penile augmentation is desirable for you? Yes, if you’re one of the 2.5 percent of the male population who has a “micro penis” (believe it or not, that’s the clinical term). But even then, urologists report you’ll actually have less sensation than you do now. And it’s not uncommon for a tectonic shift—having the additional fat and skin slide over to one side. Hmmm, that’s attractive.

As for the other 97.5 percent of the population I have a different piece of advice: Get your head out of your ass. There are better things to put up there.

Hey, Woody!

I notice my penis has a prominent vein that I haven’t noticed on other guys. Is this something I should worry about?

—Striped and worried

Dear Striped:

Visible veins on the penis aren’t unusual. The valves in your testicles may be hiccupping involuntarily. Try scaring them by getting a stud to sneak up behind you and grab them while he yells “Gotcha!” If that doesn’t work, send him to my house and quit being so selfish.

Either way, you don’t have much to worry about. Prominent veins rarely interfere with hot sex. They’re just abnormally dilated. If the valves in the veins are defective, blood can pool, distending the vessel walls. The condition is pretty harmless. For most, it’s a cosmetic annoyance. If it really bothers you, your doctor can remove it.

Hey, Woody!

Is it true that a man’s erect penis size can be predicted by dividing his shoe size in half?

—Just wondering

Dear Wondering:

No, but you can predict my average letter-writer’s IQ by locating the page number this column appears and dividing it in half.

What, are you kidding me with that shit? There is no research validating any correlation between penis size and Fill In The Blank. Bigger hands? Bigger gloves. Bigger noses? Bigger boogers. Now go home and come up with an interesting question.

Hey, Woody!

My salmon is sagging. It used to point toward the ceiling when it got hard, now it droops at a ninety-degree angle. Is this normal as you grow older or should I be worried?

—Party-drooper

Dear Party-drooper:

Getting older sucks. Women get sagging tits, men get droopy dicks, and drag queens get tapes that skip.

Here’s why dicks hit bricks: As you age less blood rushes into the penis because the arteries narrow. Then the suspending ligaments decide to loosen up. Both work together to lower the angle of your dangle.

There are a couple of things you can do to help Willie reach for the sky: First, lose weight. Excess fat along the stomach and base of the penis interferes with the upward angle. Second, squeeze the muscles that angle the penis upward (the muscles that stop urination). Do it hundreds of times a day.

Yes, you heard me, HUNDREDS of times a day. Do I stutter? Third, get hotter guys. Or better porn. An 80-year-old can have the angle of an 18 year-old if he’s stimulated enough.

Hey, Woody!

Is there anything I can do to make my dick bigger? I’m in my early thirties. Will it grow bigger as I get older?

—Here’s hoping

Dear Hoping:

For the bazillionth time, there is nothing you can do to make your penis bigger. Well, other than sleeping with my boyfriend. He ALWAYS makes my penis bigger.

But I digress. The penis stops growing by the time you reach your early 20s. Sorry, you’re S.O.L., pal. Like the rest of us.

The good news is that having a bigger dick wouldn’t make you more sexually satisfied anyway. Studies show that guys with above-average-sized dicks don’t score any higher in sexual satisfaction than guys with average-sized dicks. Of course, they probably score more, period. But that’s a study of a different size.

Hey, Woody!

I’ve had a bent penis most of my life. I don’t know if it’s my imagination, but it seems like it’s got its left turn blinker on more and more these days. I don’t have any discomfort during sex, but I don’t like the way it looks or where it’s heading. How can I “straighten” myself out?

—Curvy

Dear Curvy:

You may have Peyronie’s disease. It’s a condition that causes plaque buildup alongside the erectile tissue. Flossing won’t help—this is a different kind of plaque.

As it hardens the plaque makes you less flexible and arcs your erection like an Esther Williams side-flip. It occurs in about one percent of men. Congratulations, you may already be a winner.

There are treatments, but there’s no strong evidence that anything other than surgery works. You should see a urologist or at least get more information about it. Try the American Foundation for Urologic Disease at (800) 828-7866.

Hey, Woody!

In the annals of stupid penis tricks I have one I’m trying to get rid of. Whenever I drive in my car, I get an erection. I can’t just whack off in the middle of stop-and-go traffic. First, why is this happening, and second, how can I stop it?

—Traffic-stopper

Dear Traffic-stopper:

Men get hard in the oddest places. Some even get hard in vaginas.

Urologists say you’re suffering from “Road Erection.” It’s similar to Road Rage. They both leave you spent, but for entirely different reasons. Road erections come from the vibrations your car makes because you’re too cheap to buy a Lexus. Car vibrations set off blood into the penis. Sitting puts pressure on the veins, effectively trapping the blood inside, helping you-know-who stand at attention. Plus, if you’re like the rest of us, you’re thinking about sex every other time you blink anyway.

If you’re tired of car-pooling with willie, try a doughnut-style seat cushion like the ones hemorrhoid sufferers use. It’ll help keep pressure off the veins and your attention on the road.

Hey, Woody!

The other day I was about to, you know, “Enter the Dragon” when suddenly I went limp. I’ve never had this problem before. Luckily, it hasn’t happened again, but the fear of it repeating is almost worse than it actually happening. Can you say some words to put me at ease? Or, rather, at hard?

—Expecting the worst

Dear Expecting:

They say the watched pot never boils. Same thing with your dick. Forget about it, man. At some point in his life every man will look down at his crotch and glare at the laziness of his penis. How could it just sit there, lounging around when there’s so much work to do? Easy. You’re a man, not a machine. Shit happens, and it happens a lot more often than you think.

“Situational impotence” happens to everyone. Did I spell that last word right? E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. And if it hasn’t happened to you yet, wait, your card will be drawn.

You can’t will yourself into an erection just like you can’t will yourself to sleep. A guaranteed way of keeping yourself awake at night is to constantly ask yourself “Am I asleep yet?” A guaranteed way of repeating situational impotence is to constantly ask yourself “Is this the time I’m gonna go soft?”

The only way to get out of the obsessive loop you’re in is to take the sting out of occasional impotence. If it’s okay—and not some unbearable hell—to occasionally lose your erection, you won’t feel so pressured. So sit yourself down, close your eyes, put your hand on your heart and say “It’s perfectly okay to occasionally lose my erection. It’s true I don’t like it, but it’s also true that it means nothing.”

If you truly “get it,” that occasionally losing your erection is meaningless, then your body and mind won’t have to stand sentry, scanning for the possibility of disaster. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll let you have my boyfriend for a night. He can suck a softball through 30 feet of garden hose. If he can’t get you up, no one can.

Hey, Woody!

I’m uncircumsized, and I have an unusually long foreskin. When I have an erection the foreskin still covers the head. I’ve got to pull it back with my hand when I’m beating off or fucking somebody. I’m thinking of snipping it. I’m in my late 20s—it scares me to snip anything in that area. Do you think I should have a circumsicion?

—Snip and Tuck

Dear Snippy:

I say it’s time to carve the turkey. It’s not that I think being circumcised is better—it’s that I don’t think you should live with anything that gets in the way of sexual pleasure. Boyfriends are the only exception to this rule.

In 1871 the New York Medical Journal published a piece by a doctor who contended that a long foreskin was a cause of masturbation. At the time, masturbation was considered unhealthy (and I agree. I feel healthier when someone blows me). Anyway that idiot doctor advocated circumcision as a way to stop guys from masturbating. I say it’s time to lighten your load, but if you have reservations about it, go to a urologist—he can alleviate your concerns and explain the procedure in detail.

Hey, Woody!

What are you crazy? Advising “Snip and Tuck” to get a circumcision is like recommending a frontal lobotomy for Monday morning blues! The average man loses 10,000 nerve endings from circumcision and all the nerve transmissions traveling through what once was the foreskin. Once he’s cut, the head of his dick is going to rub up against his underwear until his glans’ skin thickens, toughens and gets desensitized. To quote one of the many adults who were misled or involuntarily circumcised, “I once had a sex organ, now I have a stub.” In a hundred years, circumcision will shock and disgust people and remind them of the leeches and “humors” of medieval medical practice.

—Go snip yourself

Hey, Woody!

How DARE you tell anybody it’s okay to get their skin clipped?!! They’re going to hate it in the future, man! You have no business giving that kind of advice.

—Boilin’ mad

Dear Foreskin Fetishists:

Looks like I hit an uncircumcised nerve with my latest advice. You guys were too busy grabbing your pitchforks and looking for my address to notice the letter-writer’s dilemma: His foreskin was so long it covered his head completely even when he was hard. How’d you like to fuck with the head of your dick covered with a protective layer of skin?

Hmmm. Actually, that sounds suspiciously like wearing a rubber. So imagine wearing two rubbers before entering the highway. Talk about giving your dick a flat tire….

So, my advice to Snip and Tuck stands—with one qualifier: Visit a urologist and ask about plastic surgery techniques that could shorten but not eliminate the foreskin. It may be possible but Snip needs to be examined first. If it can be done, I say go for it. I’m for anything that’ll maximize pleasure.

Hey, Woody!

Is it true that black men make our hammers look like nails? People are always talking about it like it were fact.

—Wondering and slobbering

Dear Wondering:

In my personal experience, the answer is no, black men don’t have bigger dicks than white men or Latinos, etc. But anecdote, schmanecdote, I checked the literature, and lo and behold if it didn’t confirm my experience. I quote from a penis size study published in Contemporary Urology (I call it “Today’s Dick”): “Variations in penile size between races have not been documented in any peer-reviewed literature.”

Hey, Woody!

After I ejaculate, I feel this kind of ache deep in my genitals. It goes away after a few minutes, but I’m worried that something awful’s going on. Please tell me it’s a sign my dick is gonna grow another three inches. Seriously, should I be worried?

—Pain après pleasure

Dear Pain:

Better to put up with achy balls than chatty post-coital tricks. At least your pain has the good sense to go away after a few minutes.

It could be a couple of things, but because you didn’t mention blood in the semen, painful urination, cloudy urine, discharge, swelling, or an alarming attraction to rainbow flags, it’s probably nothing to worry about.

My advisory panel thinks it’s most likely a perception of pain and relief, the kind you get after a hard workout at the gym when your muscles can get tired and achy. In other words, you’re nuts.

If it truly is a medical condition causing the pain, it’s most likely a prostate infection, which can easily be solved with antibiotics. If you suspect rainbow flags might be involved, then the problem is much more serious and will require surgery to sew in a sense of good taste, the kind Martha Stewart tried to graft into Kmart, which of course rejected it like a bad organ transplant.

Hey, Woody!

Every time I take a shower at the gym I get real embarrassed because my pup doesn’t measure up. When I’m erect, I’m actually pretty normal-sized, but when I’m not, it’s pretty small. Why does my penis shrink to a cigar stub when I need to impress the most?

—Small in the stall

Dear Small:

Tell you what. The best way to grow your penis is to get into a gay chat room on America Online. Everyone there is eight inches. Just ask them.

You can’t tell how big someone really is by seeing their flaccid penis in the locker room. A recent study at the University of California at San Francisco confirmed what Masters & Johnson told us decades ago: There is no correlation … let me repeat that … there is no correlation between flaccid penis size and erect penis size. If your penis is unusually large when its flaccid, it does not mean it will be unusually large when it’s erect. The reverse is also true. You’re a “grower, not a shower.”

Hey, Woody!

I’m dating a certain Mr. Tripod. I love his huge dick but then when I touch myself—and I’m pretty big—it feels like I have a tiny penis. All of a sudden I feel “less than.” It’s getting in the way of making myself cum when we jerk off together. How can I get over this?

—Large in an even larger world

Dear Large:

First, I never give advice about big dicks unless I see them first. It wouldn’t be right. So send me a jpeg on email. Until then, I have a question. What the hell are you doing playing with yourself when you need three hands to manage Mr. Tripod?

Since you didn’t mention oral or anal sex, I’m assuming that jerking off is the only thing you feel comfortable doing. If that’s the case, fine. Then keep your hands to yourself and let him jerk you off to orgasm. It’s so much more fun that way.

Hey, Woody!

Is it true you can do exercises to improve your sex life? I go to the gym but I can’t say it’s done much for my sex life. Is this a fad thing or does it really work?

—Willin’ to train

Dear Will:

It’s true, exercising something called your PC muscles will improve your ability to have hot monkey love.

PC stands for pubococcygeous, the muscles you use to stop and restart the flow of urine. It’s at the heart of the ancient Taoist training in the art of making love. It involves strengthening the PC muscles that form the pelvic floor between your legs by contracting and releasing them in a series of exercises.

These muscles surround the urethra and control everything that passes through it—urine, semen, and in some gay men, hair gel. One exercise is to contract the PC muscles and keep them tightened for a count of ten, then relax. Another is to contract and relax the PC muscles as quickly as possible.

You start by doing ten of these types of exercises a day and work up to 100. Sex researchers say a steady regimen of these exercises can give you greater staying power, a greater number of orgasms and firmer erections.

Try the classic Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy—it’s chock full of the exercises. In America, these “secrets” are called Kegel exercises. They should be done with legs slightly apart (but not with your ankles soldered to your ears, like so many of my friends do).

The cool thing about the “Kegels” is that you can do them anywhere—driving, walking, watching TV, doing dishes, or baking K. No one will ever know. About the exercises I mean, not the K. Don’t expect overnight success. This ain’t Viagra. It takes six to eight weeks of daily exercising before you see results.

Hey, Woody!

I’m thinking of using an ejaculation control cream like Mandelay but I’m worried about my partner. Will the cream rub off and cause a loss of sensation for him as well?

—Hung but numb

Dear Hung:

Of COURSE it’s going to rub off and cause your partner a loss of sensation, you idiot. And on top of that, he may be allergic to its active ingredient—benzocaine, the topical anesthetic used to treat canker sores.

I can just see you now, “Oh, look honey, this’ll numb your ass so you won’t feel anything and then afterwards I can take you to the ER.” What a guy.

Most sex therapists do not recommend ejaculation delay creams. There are lots of exercises you can do to get control. We’ve covered them before and we’ll do it again later. Meantime, lose the creams and find some info on the net.

Hey, Woody!

I LOVE your column but I live far from the city so I can’t pick it up very often. Do you email your responses? Cuz if you do, please tell me what I can do about guys losing their minds over my uncut dick. I’m from Brazil where everyone is uncut, so I don’t understand why so many guys are turned off by it. I know it’s different from what they’re used to, but can it make that much difference? I’ve actually had guys, when they go down on me, go “eeeewwww” and come back up. Any suggestions for handling this?

—A halibut without the cut

Dear Halibut:

No, I don’t email my answers, especially when the requests come without shirtless pictures.

Besides, I hate uncut dicks.

KIDDING, I’m kidding. I love all dicks. Well, except the ones hanging from chicks.

Listen, when you’re dealing with the shallow and superficial (did anyone say “gay"?), you need to re-think your poaching strategies. If you know that something about you has the potential for turning Mr. Sunflower into Mr. Sunburn, don’t wait till you’re in bed for them to find out.

Whether you have a small dick, an uncut dick, HIV, or worse, a penchant for singing Broadway musicals when you first get out of bed, you need to let your partner know about it. It’s only right. Who wants to hear that shit so early in the morning?

I’m a great believer in making bedrooms a shame-free zone. So, tell guys you’re uncut before you go home with them. Don’t say it with pride or shame, don’t say it with confidence or meekness, just say it. And the funnier, the better. For instance: “Hey, man, before we go home together there are three things you need to know about us Brazilians:”

1. We can suck the rind off a watermelon without slicing into it.

2. We can make gringos sing two octaves higher in bed.

3. We have beautiful uncut dicks.

And then go for the close: “Me? I got two out of the three. Wanna help me work on the third?”

Hey, Woody!

My flaccid dick is quite small, and is terrible advertising for my hard dick, which is nicely average, but a tad skinny. My flaccid dick’s size provoked incredible teasing and emotional abuse in summer camp starting in the swimming pool changing room at age five—“Look, he doesn’t have a penis, is he a girl?” And then it resurfaced again at ages eleven through my first year of college with equally brutal comments. I remember one guy, he was so abusive, he used to yell out “Your dick is so tiny, it could fit through the top of a Coke bottle.”

Despite years of therapy, these experiences have left indelible wounds. To have them reinforced in the gay locker rooms, on nude beaches, etc., has been a really disappointing aspect to being out and seeking sexual fulfillment. People who seem interested in me clothed, seem to dismiss me when they see my small flaccid dick. Nude, I’m usually dismissed. Little do they know how content they’d be with my erect dick.

I’ve also had sexual partners spontaneously gasp in disappointment when they first see me naked (if I’m not immediately erect) or, after I ejaculate, when they see how small my dick becomes after I cum. A few overly honest friends or tricks have commented on this, and said that this was a reason they couldn’t continue with me as a sexual partner, though they wanted to be friends.

One close non-sexual friend, who I would love to be sexual with, recently told me that he can only get aroused by big dicks. He said he heard from an old boyfriend of mine that I had a small dick. And then, with embarrassed sensitivity and honesty, this close non-sexual friend said he’d otherwise be interested in dating me, but he couldn’t be sexual with me or consider a relationship because of my dick size. He apologized profusely, but said he knew himself too well. I have been friends with this man for several years. He is very sensitive and self-aware, educated, professional, popular, charming, mature, and good looking. It’s disappointing, anger inducing, and hard to accept that he could be so limited. And yet the prevalence of small dick size as chatter and comment in the gay community makes me feel I can’t condemn him; or pathologize him.

Woody, do you have any suggestions for how to improve my chances with men? I long for an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship. I know there are other factors than flaccid penis size in the establishment of attraction. And there must be some men out there who don’t place such a premium on penis size. Also, any suggestions on how to be more at ease in situations where clothing is optional? I like hot tubs and nude beaches a lot, but the subtle and not so subtle snubs and smirks make me want to avoid these pleasurable aspects to being alive.

—Not that small

Dear Not:

Your letter reminds me of something a friend once told me: The difference between men and pigs is that pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

You think straight society is judgmental and hostile? Welcome to the loving and accepting brotherhood of gay men. Your letter perfectly captured the cruelty and emotional brutality gay men struggle against in their own community.

The good news is that it’s possible to meet good-looking guys who don’t care about penis size, guys who know that a man can’t be reduced to the sum of his parts, no matter how small those parts may be. And I’m going to show you how to find them.

First, handle your dick size the way positive men handle their HIV status—by telling people before you end up in bed with them. The comparison of size obsession to AIDS is more appropriate than you think. They’re both infections. One attacks the body, the other the mind. One is transmitted through needles and sex, the other by gossip and cruelty. You can never tell who has it by looking at them and both result in severely limiting the range of sexual options. So it seems appropriate to use what we’ve learned about HIV to combat the effects of size obsession, a dysfunction marked by recurring hallucinations that size is the only thing that matters in sex.

For HIV positive men, a funny thing happened on the way to disclosure. What started as an ethical obligation to inform potential sex partners, ended up being an empowering way to overcome the shame society placed on their condition.

Here’s how disclosure would work for you: You’re at a bar at the end of the evening or at your door at the end of a date. The Fuck Me Meter is banging to the right. It’s decision time. You lean in and whisper, “I can’t wait to get you into bed. I have a smaller-than-average dick but I know how to use it. Do you want to come in?”

Don’t announce your dick size as a matter of pride but as a matter of fact. If someone is going to have a negative, shaming reaction, let them have it outside your door or in the bar. Make your home and your bedroom a shame-free zone. No one comes in there without knowing what to expect. It preserves your dignity, screens out the size-obsessed, and dramatically improves your chances of a good roll in the hay.

Some guys, maybe most, will turn into Frosty the Snowman, tapping their wristwatches and wondering, loudly, where the time went. But there’ll be others, like me, who will say “Cool. What are you cooking us for breakfast?”

Gay society has shame on sale and it’s flying off the shelves. Like any popular product, it’s hard to resist, especially when the price is so right. But I say let someone else have it. Treat your grocery cart as if it were full and move to the next aisle.

Gay men love imprisonment. As soon as we break out of society’s closet we build one for ourselves. We’re like housebroken dogs trained in the crate. Even after we have the run of the house, we’d still rather sleep in the crate.

Don’t let your past experiences stop you from pursuing a rich and satisfying sex life. You deserve it and I promise you it’s out there. You get it by rising above the swirling cruelty to build an enlightened life. Like you did when you first came out.

Hey, Woody!

Can you do me a big favor? Could you please provide my email address to the guy who wrote to you about having a small dick? That letter broke my heart. I have a big dick that I used to always brag about, but it never brought home good guys. Although I like the sight of a big one, I have never thought it was important for my boyfriend to have a big penis. I love sweet, tender, compassionate men … dick size means almost nothing. I wish that guy were here right now … I would love to send him a note.

Hey, Woody!

After reading the letter written by Not That Small, I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry. Please tell him not everyone is a size queen. I can honestly say that the best sexual experience I have ever had was with a man whose dick was way below average size. I live in New Orleans, also known as the Big Easy—and for good reason, too—where casual sex is king and a big dick is a requirement. It never ceases to amaze me how people can judge a man’s character by the size of his dick. Tell him not to give up looking for that special someone as there ARE those like me who are out there looking for an all-around great guy, where size is not a requirement. As for the good friend who was not interested in a relationship with you because he heard about your dick size … damn, man, you need to pick better friends.

Hey, Woody!

Just wanted to drop a note to say I really admired and appreciated your handling of the small dick issue. Although I LOVE being a gay man, I hate how shallow, condescending, and just plain mean-spirited our community can be sometimes. I hope this guy realizes that not all gay men are like this, that there are guys like me who know that a smaller wrench doesn’t mean you can’t fix the machine.

Dear Everyone Who Responded But There Isn’t Enough Space To Print You:

Thanks for the heart-felt sentiments. It’s time to move on. I’d say “to bigger and better things” but the wording is unfortunate, so I won’t say it.