Читать книгу Three to a Loaf - Michael J. Goodspeed - Страница 7

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THERE ARE MANY fine personal accounts of the Great War and if I thought I had nothing new to tell, I would not have attempted this narrative. There are others who long ago achieved literary fame and who fought longer and in conditions of more sustained misery than those that I endured. My story differs from previous chronicles of this period. At critical phases of that terrible conflict I saw service on both sides; and, for a brief period, I held the power to alter the course of history. As to the value of this account and the nature of my actions, I have neither the vigour nor the desire to deal with my reader’s judgments. The war was a long time ago and I will meet my maker knowing I risked my life and shed my blood struggling to shape events for the betterment of mankind. If along the way I failed, I did so in good company. Future generations will come to their own conclusions on that war. I have made arrangements that this manuscript should only be made public long after I am dead. Although there were things I would like to have changed, I know what I did was right. And now, in my final years, I see no merit in submitting to the constant probing of the curious or the sceptical.

After more than eight decades, I’ve come to realize that life is a chain and its links are forged from people and events. I will begin this memoir with the event that prompted me to join the army. I had no doubts as to the nature of the war by the spring of 1915; by then, few of us did. The casualty lists had already been shocking enough and it didn’t take any great leap of the imagination to realize what conditions were like over there. My first step toward joining the army was taken on a grey day in March. Much of the snow had melted; and, like it always is at the end of the winter, what was left by that time was coarse and granular. The wind was raw, and summer still seemed a long way off. I was in Montreal standing on the curb-side outside McGill University’s library with Jeanine Dupuis, with whom I was wildly infatuated although she doubtlessly didn’t reciprocate my feelings in anything like the same measure.

The army had a hundredweight motor truck decked out with banners and flags. Perched behind the driver was an officer and beside him was an overweight sergeant with a bass drum. They were trolling through the campus looking for recruits. The fat old drummer was pounding away on his drum with one arm and wiping his brow with a handkerchief with the other. A middle-aged captain with a cardboard loud-hailer shouted at me.

“You, sir, climb aboard with us!” He already had three young men with him who were grinning self-consciously. “Yes, you, sir! You’d do one of our city’s regiments proud. Come down to the armouries with me and sign on.” He pointed to the drum. Stencilled around its edges were the words “Your King and Country Need You.”

I hadn’t really thought seriously about joining the army up to then. I was satisfied with my life up to that point; but I had other considerations. My father expected me to finish my education and take a position in the family business. Jack Ferrall was one of the pillars of the English business community in Montreal. Actually he was of Irish descent, but in Montreal’s polite society during those days that kind of thing was really a trifling distinction. The real problem was my mother. She was very much a German, born and raised near Hanover. She had met my father while he was on a prolonged business trip to Europe. They were married and almost twenty-one years later, I came to be standing outside the university library.

Without giving it much thought I shouted cheerfully back at the recruiting officer, “Come back in a few months. I’ll join up after I graduate.” The recruiting officer just shrugged and turned to exhort a group of young men heading off to classes on the other side of the street.

When the soldiers turned their attentions elsewhere, Jeanine looked at me with ill-concealed surprise. “I had no idea you were planning on joining the army,” she said in her ever so slight French accent. It was just one of the things about her that half the male population at McGill found heartbreakingly irresistible. She had the hint of a wicked smile playing about the edges of her mouth. “Rory, you’re always full of surprises.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.” I shrugged self-deprecatingly, anxious to change the subject to something that would make me appear more decisive than I felt. I looked out at nothing in particular in the middle distance and said with great earnestness, “I’ve been giving the war a lot of thought. I suppose when the country’s at war it’s not right to stay home.” I don’t think Jeanine was any more interested in me after that little exchange, but for a long time afterwards I certainly thought about it a great deal. Looking back on it, I don’t suppose my plans really made much difference to Jeanine, but those few moments made a huge difference to me.

Jeanine and I turned into the library and I began to think about where I stood in relation to what was going on around me. The war was something that pained my mother greatly. My mother wasn’t alone in this respect. The governor-general’s wife, the Duchess of Connaught, was Prussian born, and the malicious gossip going the rounds in the country was that she was drowning her sorrows in whiskey. Mother hadn’t reacted like that, but the strain on her was visible to those who knew her.

Like everybody else, I followed the events of the war with keen interest, but until that day I had been a spectator. I was fascinated and more than a little disturbed that Germany and the Empire were at war. Despite my mother’s origins and an upbringing that was heavily influenced by my Germanic roots, I considered myself to be both solidly Canadian and a member of the British Empire. For her part, my mother was proud of her new country and revered Canada in a way that I suppose only the recently arrived can appreciate. Even so, I knew the idea of Germany and Canada being at war caused her considerable pain.

It wasn’t the way I felt about my country. My country was where I lived and we were proud that it was an immense part of the British Empire. Like the rest of my generation, we took pride in our British connection and quietly thrilled to see the vast shaded expanses of pink on contemporary world maps. It was much like belonging to a family with rich and famous relatives who lived in a different city. It was a part of you but it was also something that was distant and in practical terms didn’t make a lot of difference from one day to the next – unless of course, that Empire went to war.

I was patriotic enough, but having spent most of the summers of my boyhood and adolescence in Germany, I never believed the German people or the Kaiser were the menace to civilization that the papers made them out to be. Nonetheless, my thoughts on the war were confused. I felt strongly about Germany’s violation of Belgian neutrality, and German militarism was something no responsible person could ignore. The reports of German atrocities in Belgium troubled me deeply. Still, if I’m to be completely honest in this memoir, I must admit that my first serious thoughts about joining the army and going off to war had nothing to do with a sense of duty or right or wrong, or even a yearning for adventure. I was impulsively trying to impress a petite university student with big brown eyes and a captivating smile.

Over the next few weeks, I periodically toyed with the idea of joining the army when I graduated in two months time; but I kept my thoughts to myself. A week after the incident with Jeanine and the recruiting wagon, I stopped by my father’s office in Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue. I had something or another to pick up. I’ve long since forgotten what it was I was going for, probably to get money; but I remember the occasion clearly as it was the day before my twenty-first birthday. It was also the afternoon when I realized the war had already begun to change things irrevocably.

The anteroom to my father’s office was a dingy sort of place with weak electric lights, few windows, and dark office furniture. About a dozen clerks normally occupied it. They were sober hard-working men who, for the most part, still wore bowler hats, stiff celluloid collars, and black ties. On that day the chief clerk, a very tall red-haired man in his late fifties by the name of Thomas Randall, was instructing two young women in the duties of maintaining financial ledgers. Half the desks that were normally occupied by clerks were vacant. Randall looked me up and down with what at the time I supposed was a cool and disapproving look. “Good morning, Rory. Your father’s in his office. Someone’s with him just now so you’ll have to wait out here until he’s free.” He gestured to a wooden swivel chair at an empty desk and turned to continue his instruction.

I waited for about twenty minutes, feigning interest in a three-day-old newspaper that had been left on the desk. When Randall took the women downstairs to show them the company files, one of the men remaining at the desks leaned over to speak to me.

“So, Rory, I guess you’re probably wondering what’s going on today, eh?” He was a cheerful sort and had bad teeth, and as long as I could remember coming to my father’s office he had gone out of his way to be nice to me – but only when the imposing Mr. Randall was out of earshot. Before I could answer, he launched into a description of the latest developments in the front office. “All five of the younger lads that used to be here joined the army the day before last. They went out at lunch and didn’t come back. I hear they joined the Royal Highlanders. They’d been talking about it for a while. I never really expected them to do it. But yesterday around three in the afternoon one of ’em came back and told Mr. Randall and your dad.” He paused and looked around guiltily to see if Mister Randall was in earshot. “I thought they’d be mad, eh? But not at all. The office is going to be giving them a little farewell ceremony and a lunch before they leave to go to training camp next week.”

Ducking his head toward the desk he continued, “The girls are new, aren’t they?” He grinned broadly as he said it. “Mr. Randall won’t hire any men, as he says unmarried men of fighting age should be in the army. The girls are all married, but I think both their husbands are in the army too. There’s more coming on Wednesday too. Who would of thought it would come to this even just a few months ago, eh, Rory?”

I only saw my father for a few seconds after that conversation. He was busy and we never discussed what went on in the business. I don’t know if it was the conversation in my father’s office, or perhaps it was a steady accumulation of influences, but driving home to our house in Mount Royal that afternoon, I couldn’t help but be struck by the way the war was looming so large in my life.

I was one of the most fortunate young men in the city. I was getting a first-class education; I had already travelled widely; I enjoyed family wealth and had unlimited access to a motorcar. My future was as guaranteed as anybody’s could possibly be. Sitting on the leather seats of my father’s new McLaughlin touring car made me realize that I was probably amongst the luckiest people to have ever lived. We had no real worries. My home had two telephones, electricity in every room, two motorcars, two maids and a cook, as well as a gardener who came around to keep the flowerbeds and lawn in order in summer and to shovel snow in winter. No one could possibly have asked for anything more. But like most other young men who are comfortable and secure, I was also slightly bored and not wise enough to know what a dangerous predicament that can be. I was still a very young man then, but the days of my youth, like those of so many of us in my generation, were to disappear far faster than I could possibly have imagined.

When I arrived in Mount Royal I parked the motorcar beneath the old elm tree that stood by the roadside. I dreaded what I was about to do; but it was the one thing I had to go through with before I went any further with my plans. I still believe this was one of the hardest moments of my life. I didn’t want to hurt my mother. Even then, as I went in to tell her about my decision, I don’t think I had fully enunciated my reasoning to myself.

My motives were mixed. Part of my thinking was, I hate to say it, but it seemed the thing to do. There was an undeniable element of following the herd in my choice. But this was only a small factor. I suppose there was also a large measure of genuine altruism in my decision. I knew that I was needed and felt personally obliged to help out the country and the Empire. There was also an element of uncertainty in my thinking. I was not entirely clear about what we intended to get out of the war, but I was keenly aware we were living in dangerous times and I had to make an individual commitment. Doing something and going with my instincts seemed better than doing nothing. All of these notions seem a little quaint almost sixty years later. Now so many have begun to sneer at this kind of reasoning. I’m not saying they’re entirely wrong; but those who sneer at youthful magnanimity are foolish and cynical.

My mother was sitting in the drawing room reading one of Edith Wharton’s novels. She had her feet curled up under her. On the couch beside her were the devoured remains of three of the day’s English and French newspapers. She held her cheek forward for me to kiss her as I came in.

“Rory, you are back early, shouldn’t you still be at your classes?” She always pronounced my name with a soft Germanic purr. From the way she looked at me I could tell something weighed heavily on her mind. “What is it?” she said.

“Mother, we haven’t really talked about the war.” I began to stumble. “I mean really talked. We’ve said it’s a terrible shame and a great tragedy, and we’ve gone over the causes of the war until we’re blue in the face, but we have to talk about how it affects you and me, now.”

“Speak plainly, Rory. Are you joining the army?” she asked flatly.

“Yes, I’ve decided to join … I wanted to discuss it with you first.”

“Is there anything to discuss? It sounds like you have already made up your mind.”

“Yes, I have, but I wanted to discuss my reasons with you. That’s important.”

She nodded her head. “Thank you.” There was no sarcasm in her tone.

“I know you are unhappy about my decision for several reasons. You don’t want to see your only child go off to war. You especially don’t want to see me go to fight Germany and you don’t want to see your son fighting your nephews. I know it’s very difficult.”

“I suppose that sums my position fairly well. So what is there to discuss?”

“Despite being half-German myself, I believe we have to support our country. I don’t like it any more than you do when the newspapers refer to us as Huns, but Canada and the Empire are at war and the cause is a decent one.” I paused for a moment. “When you married Father and came to Montreal you chose to be a Canadian. I may be part-German and I’m proud of that, but I’m a Canadian first, just as you are now. I don’t think there’s an easy way around this. This isn’t a choice between your views and Father’s, and I am not turning my back on the half of me that’s German. I believe that stopping the Kaiser from conquering Belgium is the correct thing to do. German militarism as it’s developed in the last several years can’t be allowed to prevail in this war. We both know the true Germany, but what’s happening in Europe now is wrong and we can’t ignore that. That’s why our country is at war.”

I was standing above my mother and my voice was much louder and more emphatic than I had intended. I sat down on the chair opposite her. I drew a deep breath.

“Besides, I think it would be wrong for me to have benefited from everything this country has to offer and not pitch in when there’s a problem. Do you see what I’m trying to say?”

My mother had tears in her eyes and her voice was choked with emotion. “This isn’t the first time I have thought of this. Your father and I have virtually ignored this subject for many years, long before it ever came to war and long before you were old enough to become directly involved. I have for several months now thought this was a decision you were going to make. I’m not happy with it, but I have no choice and so I am forced to accept it.”

Mother was in many ways a German patrician to the roots. She was born into a well-to-do family of German industrialists with large land holdings not far from Hanover. She was entirely a product of her times. For her, our brief conversation was in itself an outpouring of emotion. I had known for almost a year now that the war and the threat of war between Germany and Britain was something that placed enormous strains on my parents’ relationship. It was something she would never admit to anyone; she would force herself to endure this problem on her own. For my father’s part, I was not so sure that he was enduring any kind of hardship on his own, although to be truthful, I had absolutely no proof that he had been unfaithful to my mother. I had sensed for several years that this chasm between them had grown enormously. Since the declaration of war last August it was very much in evidence.

My mother and I embraced in the formal way we had always done. She got up from her couch and swept me out of the room. “I am sure you have much to do now, but before you go off and join the army I want you to telephone and see about getting someone to fix the doors to the coal cellar. Mary tells me they’re leaking badly and unless they’re fixed they’ll be a problem all summer.”

It was her way of telling me the matter was at an end. We were on to discussing the more mundane things in life; whatever rift there may have been between us was now healed. I was relieved at this, but I didn’t believe things were fine. That would take a long time, but I didn’t choose to pursue the matter further.

With the confrontation with my mother over, I still had to deal with my father. That now appeared to be a larger difficulty than I would have admitted to ten minutes beforehand.

I did not speak to my father about my decision until late the next day. He was off overnight in Ottawa on business of some sort and wasn’t expected back until late the following afternoon. I decided that I would go to my classes, say my farewells to my close friends, and then go directly to his office to speak with him. Thinking about it at the time, I realized that the sequence in which I had decided to inform those closest to me about my decision to go into the army revealed much about my allegiances. I felt guilty about this, as I had no particular reason to place my affections for my father behind that of my friends. I also knew that out of a sense of filial duty, I owed him more than being the last to know. Perhaps I feared him more than I care to admit even now.

When I got to the university, before going into my first lecture, I announced my decision to Tom Moore, an old classmate of mine from my days at Loyola, Montreal’s Jesuit college. Tom was as good as a telegraph and no sooner had the professor made his entrance than Tom got to his feet and announced to one and all, “Please join with me in wishing our own Rory Ferrall the greatest good luck and a safe return, as he is soon going off to France to serve his country.”

I was taken aback by this sudden announcement. The professor grinned broadly, stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets, and flapped his academic gown as if he were a ruffled pheasant. He cleared his throat and asked in a loud voice, “Good for you, Ferrall, what regiment have you joined?”

“I haven’t actually signed on yet, sir,” I said in a quiet voice. “I intend to go down to one of the armouries later today. I’m not sure which unit I should join. I was hoping the recruiters would give me some advice on that one.”

“There’s no need to go down to the armouries, my boy,” quipped my professor, who was clearly enjoying himself. “Just over in the lobby of the Student Union building, the Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry have set up a recruiting desk.” He fixed me with a knowing stare. “I’m sure there’s no finer unit you could join. I’m told they’re re-building their ranks and they’re doing it entirely with university men. You’d do well to join them, be amongst fellow McGill men, friends.” He dropped his chin to his chest and looked at me expectantly as if he had just finished summing up a brilliantly argued case before a jury.

“I suppose I could go over and talk to them. As I said, I haven’t given it a lot of thought.”

“Go over now, Ferrall. You’re a good student, and as far as I’m concerned you’ve passed this course. There are only a few lectures left until exams, and I have no trouble giving you an exemption.” The students in the class burst into a round of applause and I hastily made my exit while thanking the professor and nodding to my fellow classmates.

Outside, I buttoned my coat and straightened my necktie in the glass reflection of the Arts building’s doors. The figure that looked back at me in the window pane was well over six feet, had thick curly brown hair, a good open smile, and a nose that was slightly crooked from a hockey injury sustained two years earlier. I should have known I was an ideal catch for a recruiting officer, but I had butterflies in my stomach, and for a few seconds I struggled with one of those foolish adolescent fears that if the Princess Patricia’s rejected me I’d never be able to look any of my classmates in the eye again.

On the outbreak of war the “Princess Pats,” as the press dubbed them, had been privately raised by a Montreal businessman. At that time, they were extremely choosy and turned away over two thousand volunteers. In the end, to ensure they got into the war before it was over, they recruited only ex-British regular soldiers. It was considered to be a crack regiment, and I was afraid that without any military experience I’d be sent off in search of a unit more accepting of my military experience.

At the Student Union building, which was decked out in flags, I found the recruiting station without difficulty. Behind a desk draped ceremoniously in a red blanket stood an imposing-looking young officer not many years older then I. He was dressed in a beautifully tailored uniform and was leaning on a cane. He smiled at me when I approached. His right arm was in a khaki sling. The officer asked me to sit and then followed suit himself. He lowered himself gingerly onto the chair and appeared to be in considerable pain. He carefully took out his pipe and a leather tobacco pouch and then because of his wounded arm began a very elaborate smoker’s ritual of filling, tamping, lighting, and blowing clouds of smoke. When he finished this, he asked me a few questions about myself, confirming that I was in my final year as a university student. He asked about my marks, what courses I had taken, and what I thought about volunteering. He queried me as to what my thoughts were on the war and a few other simple questions. He then asked what sports I played. He was happy to hear that I played both hockey and baseball and nodded vigorously as I answered. “These are good sports for a soldier. They teach team work and they build character.” I agreed.

“Right then, Ferrall, you’re the man for us.” He had me sign a printed recruiting form, handed me a chit with a room number on it, and told me to go next door to the second floor where a doctor was doing army medicals. “I think you’re in. You’ve made a good choice.” He shook my hand awkwardly with his left hand, sat back, and the last I saw of him he was staring into space wreathed in a haze of blue tobacco smoke.

That afternoon I returned to my father’s office. When I came into the front office, Thomas Randall jumped to his feet. He towered above me, moving quickly to block the approach to my father’s doorway. “Rory, what can I do for you? Your father’s very busy just now.”

“Is anyone with him?” I asked with impatience.

“No, no. But I know he has a great deal to do and he left instructions not to be disturbed.”

I rushed past him and headed for the door. Randall was both angry and surprised at my behaviour. I knocked quickly and went in directly.

My father was talking on the telephone. In one hand he held the speaker close to his ear, in the other he tightly gripped the base. His knuckles were white and he frowned fiercely. He looked up at me surprised, put the base of the telephone down, and mouthed the word “Wait.” He continued to listen for nearly a minute.

When my father spoke, he sounded confident. “I hear what you are saying and I tell you we can have fifty thousand leather jerkins in five sizes delivered to France or Britain in six weeks. I can have a further fifty thousand every month thereafter if they’re needed.” He listened for a few seconds and said, “Fine, fine, I’ll be in touch shortly. Thank you, goodbye.”

He turned to me, levelling his frosty blue eyes at me like a ship’s guns. “Rory, what are you doing here? I left instructions with Thomas not to be interrupted under any circumstances.”

“He tried to stop me. It’s not his fault.” I continued without hesitating, “Father, I’ve joined the army. My professors have given me credit for the remainder of the year. I go to Valcartier in three days, then I’m off to England and then I suppose I go to France.”

“Isn’t this all a bit sudden?” my father asked, reacting exactly the same way as my mother. “You haven’t discussed this at all with me.” For the first time in as long as I could remember he looked hurt. I softened my tone.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. It’s not right for me to stay at home when the country’s at war. I have to go.”

Father didn’t say anything for a long time. He got to his feet and walked over to the window, staring out intensely, chewing his lower lip. He was a striking figure, with thick, curly brown hair, a full moustache and, as always, an impeccably cut dark blue suit. It was then, watching him look out the window, that I regretted not telling him of my plans beforehand. I didn’t expect him to be hurt by this, and I bitterly regretted I had not told both my father and mother together. In retrospect, it was naïveté rather than lack of sympathy that caused me to make my announcements separately, but my behaviour grieved him all the same and it’s one of the things I’ve always regretted.

My father spoke quietly. “You know, Rory, I was hoping the war would be over in a few months. But in these last weeks, after these battles in Belgium, France, and Poland, I don’t think it’s going to be. I think the war is going to drag on a lot longer than we ever imagined.”

I did my best to sound confident. “It can’t go on much longer at this pace, Father. Everybody says that. There’ll be a truce sooner rather than later. Both sides have too much to lose, and they’re both near the point of exhaustion. It can’t possibly last much longer.”

My father shook his head sadly. “No, it can go on for a long time yet. Perhaps another year, maybe even a year and a half. I don’t know; but I do know both sides well enough to know that it’ll get much worse before it gets better.” He paused and turned to me. His face looked older than I ever remembered it. “So which regiment have you joined?”

“The Princess Patricias were recruiting at the university today. I didn’t think they’d take anyone without prior service. Apparently I’m in.”

Father gave a reluctant nod of approval. “Good choice. But I think you’ll find their supply of veterans has run out. I’m not surprised they’re creaming off the best from McGill. Did they offer you a commission?”

“No, the subject never came up.”

My father raised his eyebrows. “Let me make a few calls. You should go overseas as an officer. You’re qualified. I’ll arrange it. I know several people in that regiment.” I was tempted to refuse his offer. I wanted to do this my way; but I realized in a second of unspoken understanding that my father wasn’t being controlling. In his own way he was trying to do me a favour. It was his method of saying he wished things had been different between us and I let the matter pass.

Shortly after nine in the morning the next day, we got a phone call at our house and I was asked if I would consider applying for a commission. I agreed.

My last three days in Montreal were spent in a blur of activity. My mother and father insisted upon taking me downtown to have me fitted for an expensive set of new uniforms that in due course would be sent on to me. They spared no expense and had me kitted out in the latest field equipment. By 1915, soldiers’ field gear had turned into quite a growth industry. That morning I became the owner of a new trench coat, a shooting stick, and a gentleman’s field shaving kit, complete with an assortment of pills and tonics to help me cope with the rigours of field living. In addition, I was provided with an officer’s combination rubber ground sheet and poncho, a map case, and a leather correspondence kit. It was an impressive and heavy collection of equipment, and I was more than a little afraid that I would look like the most pampered boy at Scout camp.

On my second-last night in Montreal, my father held a dinner for me at the Saint James Club. It was a rigidly formal all-male affair, attended by both his closest friends and mine. Dinner was excruciatingly correct in every sense. We wore dinner jackets, and the table was laden with heavy silver and cut glass. There were almost a dozen courses. At the end of the meal, one of my uncles on my father’s side made a long formal speech about me. My father then toasted my courage and sense of duty, and presented me with one of the latest and most fashionable innovations of the war, a smart Swiss-made wristwatch with an alligator skin strap.

After dinner, we retired to the smoking room, and I for one had too many glasses of brandy. It seemed everyone there came up to me and clapped me on the back to wish me luck and reminisce about the past. Drinks in the smoking room that evening seemed more like a wake, where the corpse was the guest of honour. My father and his friends made their departures by midnight, and my evening ended close to dawn with two of my closest friends and me sitting on the Saint James Club’s front steps. We were much too loud and the distressed club porter threatened to call the police if we didn’t leave. Before getting a cab to take me home, the three of us promised to meet here again as soon as the war ended. I can still see Tom Moore’s and Willie Matheson’s faces. Tom lost a leg and his irrepressible good nature at Mons. Willie Matheson went over the top one night leading his platoon in a counter-attack at Passchendaele and was never heard of or seen again. Needless to say, we never had that reunion dinner.

My last farewell was down at Montreal’s old Windsor Train Station. I had just embraced my mother and was determinedly shaking my father’s hand when Jeanine Dupuis swept onto the station platform dressed in a green velvet dress and a broad-brimmed black hat. I was thrilled. Jeanine, unwilling to intrude for long on a family affair, only stayed a second. She made some small talk and turned to me.

“Rory, I had to come and wish you good luck.” She kissed me on the cheek and for a precious second pulled me close to her. “I’ll write you.” Turning to my parents, she smiled and said, “I wanted to come and wish Rory luck.”

The memory of that slender image of fashion and grace haunted me for months afterward. I had no idea of the horrors and trials that lay before me, but long after my chivalrous notions about the war disappeared, Jeanine lingered in my mind as a symbol of what I wanted to return to.