Читать книгу Social Distancing - Michael K Freundt - Страница 6

It was a boring farm of wheat and sheep. Johnny William’s Mum and step-father were always very busy: she always had house work to do and he was deaf. When he’d come home from school and His Mum was baking a cake he’d say, “What’s that, Mum?” and she’d say “It’s a wigwam for a goose’s bridle” and his step-father would say “What?”

Johnny William loved television and his pet pig, Lassie, who was crazy – and no wonder. His Mum had rescued it from its mother’s mouth after she’d eaten all its brothers and sisters - and so it ran around in circles all day until his step-father sold it for ham. Johnny William came home from school one day to an empty cage. No-one said anything. How can that happen in the modern world? It was 1962 for Heaven’s sake!

Johnny William was a particular little boy.

One day at the beginning of the school year when Johnny William was in Grade Six at Balaklava Primary School Mr Dent, the headmaster, called a special assembly. Most students didn’t like Mr Dent for two reasons. The first reason was that he had caned 4 boys, Johnny William included, for playing softball with the girls on the High School oval but it wasn’t clear if it was wrong to play with girls or it was wrong to play with girls on the High School oval. The second reason was that on a school excursion to Philip Island, a very long way away, Mr Dent was seen wandering around the corridors of the hostel late at night with a blue plastic bucket that contained a little water and a floating turd; his turd some kids said. This was very strange for a grown-up but there were two other reasons that made some people frown at Mr Dent: he let any interested students into his garden to help him grow really strange peanut plants, with flowers above the ground but grew the nuts under the ground; and he was the tallest person anyone in Balaklava had seen in their entire lives.

Anyway, at this special assembly Mr Dent told everyone that he had decided that the school was going to enter the Nuriootpa Marching Fife Band Competition which would be held in Nuriootpa at the end of the year. The trouble was that Balaklava Primary School didn’t have a Marching Fife Band. Mr Dent had thought of that and said that he wanted all the children from Grade Six and Seven to learn the fife and from these children the best players would be chosen to form the Balaklava Marching Fife Band.

Johnny William was the first volunteer.

Every lunch time for the next three months Johnny William had to do marching practice and every day for one hour he had to learn the fife. Holding the fife up to your lips and playing marching songs, like Seventy Six Trombones, AND marching in a straight line, and turning this way, then that way, all in a straight line was very hard. His best friend Philip Deeks had a big tummy so he was given the bass drum to hit while he was marching, two other boys played the kettle drums and these three Drumming Boys marched up the back of the band; up the front of the band was the Drum Major.

The Drum Major was the leader of the band. The boss. The Drum Major gave the orders by doing actions with a big wooden rod with tassels and a silver knob on top, and by blowing a whistle really loudly. The Drum Major marched out the front of the band in a line all by herself because you had to be very good at marching so you couldn’t cheat by sneaking a look at the marching boy beside you. The Drum Major of the Balaklava Primary School Marching Fife Band was Jill Dillerton.

All three Drumming Boys had replacement girls who would take turns playing the drums. These girls were called Back-ups. There had to be Back-ups in case one of the Drumming Boys had a broken arm or got the measles. There also was a Back-up for the Drum Major and the official Back-up Drum Major for the Balaklava Marching Fife Band was Johnny William. When he told His Mum that he was the official Back-up Drum Major for the Balaklava Marching Fife Band she said, “That’s nice dear, but don’t get too big for your boots.” His Mum always said things like that.

Johnny William thought all his Christmases had come at once. He loved being the Drum Major and he especially loved marching out the front by himself giving orders with the big wooden rod, called a baton, with tassels and a silver knob on top and blowing the whistle really loudly. And he was very very good at it. Much better than Jill Dillerton who was known to put hankies in her bra and so couldn’t be trusted. Everyone knew she didn’t need a bra but that didn’t stop her. Besides she couldn’t blow the whistle nearly hard enough to be the Drum Major, not like Johnny William, she was far too skinny. She was hopeless at blowing the whistle and to be a good Drum Major you had to blow the whistle VERY loudly, like a boy.

All year Johnny William came up with plans to put Jill Dillerton out of action so the Back-up Drum Major would have to be called on to save the day, like Dennis Mitchell always did on TV in Dennis the Menace. And like Lucy in I Love Lucy although Lucy always got into trouble but she got over it and solved the problem and everybody laughed and clapped. When his second-best friend Terry Sharman got the mumps Johnny William paid him two bob to lick a love-heart, on which was written in pink icing ‘Kiss me Quick’, which he then gave to Jill Dillerton who ate it! Nothing happened except Jill Dillerton thought that Johnny William wanted to be her boyfriend. Hell, was she stupid or what?’

Johnny William practiced playing the fife around the farm; he practiced playing and marching and turning left and right, round and round the house until anyone listening from the shearing shed would think he was standing still so even and confident was his playing. Then one day, with the competition only a month away the uniforms arrived. They were beautiful. Three shades of green with a narrow little cap like the soldiers wore in Combat. The girls had pleated skirts and the boys had long pants just like a grown up. But when he saw Jill Dillerton all dressed up in her Drum Major uniform; no shirt, but a smart jacket with gold buttons and epaulettes, tassels, gold cords and a captain’s hat like Captain McHale wore in McHale’s Navy, he got such an attack of jealousy he made himself sick and took two days off school. Vegemite broth and a hot lemon drink did nothing but make him vomit which just showed His Mum how sick he really was.

When he came back to school, pale and weak, he resorted to direct action: he went to see Mr Dent. This was unheard of, but Mr Dent asked him to come in to his office and tell him what the trouble was. Johnny William had never been asked to do this before; to ask a question like this; to state his reasons for wanting something like this and he was very nervous.

He had only one experience at doing this. He thought one day that his farm wasn’t really a farm at all: there weren’t any horses. He knew about horses. He had watched every episode of Bonanza. The Ponderosa, the name of the Cartwright family’s farm, had horses. All the Cartwright men had horses. He’d watched Adam Cartwright take his shirt off once and wash himself in a horse trough. Hell! He didn’t know where to look! He wanted a horse with a horse trough. A farm wasn’t a farm without a horse, everyone knew that. He knew it wasn’t possible to ask His Mum. She would just say “You have to ask Bert,” his step-father. Johnny William didn’t know how to ask for something, especially from an adult, especially from his step-father. Besides his step-father was deaf so how was he meant to get his attention let alone know what words to use. He decided that the best way was not to speak it, but to write it. He stole several pieces of chalk from school and wrote his request all over the cement paths around the house: “I want a horse.” Nothing happened. No-one said anything. And then one day some men came to the farm to talk about sheep. They all had around their waists pieces of binder-twine to hold up their pants, just like his step-father. They all walked up the garden path, walked all over his request for all the world to see, “I want a horse” written several times on the cement in really good writing, big writing, and then they all sat around the kitchen table drinking and talking. They stopped talking when Johnny William came in through the back door. As he walked past the table his step-father reached for a bottle of whiskey. It was called White Horse Whiskey and he said, “Here ya are,” and he took a necklace with a little plastic white horse on the end of it, from the neck of the whiskey bottle and said, “Here’s what ya want, don’t ya?” as he put it around Johnny Williams neck like he was a girl. All the men laughed and Johnny William took it off and then all the men laughed again. He took the little plastic horse to his room and put it in the bottom draw of his little badly-varnished desk with all his other bits-n-pieces that he didn’t need anymore. He thought being an adult was really awful sometimes and he pondered about the bad feeling he felt in his stomach like each summer when he couldn’t wait for the apricots to ripen and ate them too green and got an ache in his tummy. It felt just like that.

Anyway, here he was in Mr Dent’s office being asked what could he, Mr Dent, do for him and he couldn’t write his request because he didn’t have any chalk. He didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know what words to use so he just blurted it out, stuttering and stammering and all, and said that Jill Dillerton was a really d-dopey Drum Major, she got the moves all r-wrong and couldn’t blow the whistle h-hard enough, not nearly as h-hard as he could. Mr Dent didn’t seem to understand the importance of a good Drum Major because he said that he would take a good look at Jill Dillerton’s performance at the parade down the main street this Friday. What? Johnny William had not heard of this, he had been away sick for two days. Oh yes, said Mr Dent, the Balaklava Marching Fife Band was having a practice march in front of the whole town on Friday afternoon and he was sure that everything was going to go very well. B-but, b-but, Sir, stammered Johnny William if he’s going to be the Drum Major can he lead the b-band this Friday? It was a bold question but Mr Dent just said that he couldn’t be the Drum Major because they didn’t have a boy’s Drum Major uniform. That’s just how it was.

Hell! Johnny William was devastated. They knew all along that Jill Dillerton would lead the band in the competition; they hadn’t even ordered a boy’s Drum Major uniform. He was the official Back-up. How could this be? But hadn’t Mr Dent patted him on the back after assembly last Monday when he had done a “really good job” to lead the band after he’d accidently pushed Jill Dillerton off the monkey bars and she could only walk with a limp? He was a really good Drum Major. But it didn’t seem to matter how good he was. This was a disaster. How could they win the Nuriootpa Marching Fife Band Competition with a silly Drum Major like Jill Dillerton who put hankies in her bra. Why did no-one understand the importance of what he was trying to do? What would Ben Cartwright do in this situation? What would Dennis the Menace do? What would Lucy do? What would Colonel Hogan do? He had to think. He had to think quickly. He had to have a plan and when he had a plan he knew he had to follow the plan all the way through to the end, just like Hogan and his Heroes did to fool the stupid Sergeant Schultz and everything always worked out right just in the end before the advertisements started.

On Friday afternoon, after lunch, he hid behind the girl’s change shed. He was already in his Marching Band uniform and he had come prepared. When Jill Dillerton, and a lot of other girls, came out of the changing sheds Johnny William was ready.

“Hey Jill!” he called.

Jill Dillerton, dressed in her Drum Major uniform, and all her friends stopped and turned around and she said, “Whadda YOU want?” with a real prickly-face.

“Just c-come here for a sec,” he said waving her over and looking this way and that like in I Love Lucy when Lucy has a plan. Jill Dillerton and all her friends came over to him. “It’s private,” he said with as serious a face as he could manage.

“Ooooooooooo,” went all the girls and Jill Dillerton smiled.

From the assembly ground outside the library Mr Dent was blowing his little whistle and all the band members in their smart green uniforms were lining up in rows, touching the shoulders of the next student so the lines would be straight and correct. Marching bands always had to do this.

“Leave us alone, ya little dick,” said one of the girls and the others giggled.

“Jill! It’s important,” said Johnny William seriously. “You’re the Drum Major. I can only t-tell you.”

“OK,” she said. “Catch ya up in a minute,” she said to her friends. The girls headed over to the assembly area.

“C-Come over here,” said Johnny William heading for a patch of casuarina trees behind the changing sheds out of sight of everybody.

“Hurry up,” she whined, “or we’ll be late.”

“This won’t take a sec.” Once Johnny William and Jill Dillerton were safely out of sight of everybody he leaned in to her and said, “My Dent asked me to speak to him yesterday because I’m the official Drum Major B-Back-up, and ya know what?”

“What?” she said as if tasting lemons.

“He wanted me to have a word to you and to t-teach you to blow the big whistle louder.”

“Why didn’t he speak to me?”

“ er … he didn’t want to embarrass you in f-front of everyone so he asked me to show you.”

“Well! Hurry up!”

“OK, now turn around.”

“Why do I have to turn around?” She was such a Jill-Dill.

“Coz I have to show you how to do it properly.” Johnny William was getting into it now.

“I can do it! We don’t have time. They’ve stopped all the traffic in the main street. We have to go.”

“It won’t take a sec.” She didn’t look convinced. “Mr Dent said!” he yelled in a hush with as much importance as he could get on his face.

“Oh, all right.” And she turned around leaning her baton on a nearby tree.

This gave Johnny William the opportunity to get ready.

“Now, it’s all about the shoulders. To blow really hard, you have to take a really deep breath but to take a deeper breath, to make more room for all the air, you have to raise your shoulders. That’s what boys do. Go on! Try it!”

Jill Dillerton took in a deep breath.

“Now lift up your shoulders,” said Johnny William.

Jill Dillerton raised her shoulders.

“See? Now take in more air.”

As Jill Dillerton tried this, Johnny William pounced. He stuck a piece of masking tape from the art room over her mouth like Hogan’s Heroes did to one of their German guards in every episode. The poor girl had to breath out all the air from her nose which gave Johnny William time to tie her to a casuarina tree with a piece of binder twine he found on his step-father’s trousers in the laundry basket. She tried to kick him but he was behind her and all she did was kick the tree. Ha!

“Mm! Mmmmmmm! Mmmm,” said Jill Dillerton.

He thought he would have to tie her legs but he suddenly had a bigger problem to sort out: how was he going to get the Drum Major’s jacket off her now?

He hadn’t thought about this. His plan was falling apart. He now knew how Lucy felt. He had planned to take her Drum Major’s uniform, skirt and all and wear it himself. He thought he had it all worked out. Hell! Anyway, he had the baton and – he swiped her cap from her head – the Drum Major’s cap – grabbed the whistle cord with the big whistle from around her neck. That would have to do.

Mr Dent was blowing his tinny whistle again and Jill Dillerton was still making strangling noises through the masking tape. But she was secure. Johnny William waited at the corner of the change shed: he had to wait for the very last minute so there wouldn’t be time to start looking for Jill-Dill. The whole town was waiting. He would save the day!

Mr Dent blew his little whistle again and again; you could hear the urgency in its shrill pitch. Johnny William saw him speaking to one of the girls who then started running in his direction.

Johnny ran to meet her, he had no choice.

“Where’s Jill?” she asked.

“Jill’s sick,” he said. “She had to run home.”

“What?”

“Come on!” he said, “or we’ll be late. She’s alright. She just had a pain in her tummy. I’m the official Back-up. Come on!” And he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her towards the marching band, all in straight lines and ready to go.

Johnny William with the Drum Major’s cap on his head, the whistle cord around his neck, and carrying the baton just like a Drum Major should, hurried up to Mr Dent.

“Oh, Mr Dent!” and he puffed and puffed and held his side like he had the stitch like Beaver did sometimes. “Mr Dent. It’s Jill-Dill, er, Jill Dillerton. She just suddenly got sick. I dunno! Some girl thing. Threw-up everywhere. She gave me her cap and everything but then she just ran off with her jacket; but don’t worry. I can do it, Mr Dent. I can do it! I know everything. Come on. Let’s go!” and he took his position at the front of the band, cap on his head, whistle in his mouth, and baton raised to give the order, feeling very good about himself because he didn’t stammer once. For this one brief moment he had that wonderful feeling that everything had gone to plan. He had won. Colonel Hogan would’ve been proud. He was going to be the Drum Major, knees prancing high and thrusting the baton to heaven, in front of all the townspeople lining the streets just as he had seen in The Music Man on The Midday Movie when he was home sick.

Because ... ah-oh! He then saw Jill Dillerton running, stumbling towards him like she was escaping from spies, still with the masking tape over her mouth. His binder-twine knot must’ve come undone: the only knot he knew was a bow. Everyone looked with their mouths open. Colonel Hogan would not have been pleased and suddenly he felt like the silly Sergeant Schultz: I see nuzzink! I know nuzzink! And so he blew his whistle really loudly but nothing came out, ‘sept spit.

Mr Dent caned him on the open palm of his left hand eight times but he wasn’t clear if it was for tying up Jill-Dill or for making up stories. Nobody said. But the worst of it was His Mum banned him from watching TV for two weeks. He read Black Beauty instead not knowing that it was a girls’ book and discovered reading books was just like watching television only you had to do more thinking. But he didn’t stop making up stories because that was the best thing about it all. He liked making up this story. It was like the feeling you get after eating cold lamb and hot turnips with parsley sauce. He loved cold lamb and hot turnips with parsley sauce and so he loved making up stories.

And that’s how Johnny William became a writer.