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AXWORTHY GLOBAL

PO BOX 998 · ALDINGTON ST · KW17 5EH

24 June 2016

The Right Honourable David Cameron

10 Downing Street

Westminster

London SW1A 2AA

Dear David

RE: YOUR RESIGNATION

I am writing this letter with great sadness. Sadness that our working relationship has come to an end and sadness that you were prepared to risk flushing your career down the toilet faster than an exuberant child on a water slide.

Promising to hold an EU Referendum in order to convince a few Eurosceptic, xenophobic knuckleheads to vote Conservative in the 2015 election may, at the time, have seemed like a move of breathtaking genius on your part (after all, you won). But somehow you didn’t factor in that you would have to deliver on that promise eventually; it wasn’t just some unpaid parking ticket you could squirrel away in the glove compartment with the toffees and tissues.

And now here we are: your legacy is an upturned casserole, seeping into a deep pile carpet, nothing but an irremovable stain by which to remember you. And you have only yourself to blame.

I just had to stop typing briefly to slow handclap you.

During the referendum campaign it was you against former London mayor Boris Johnson, and with whom did the public feel more affinity? Johnson. The very opposite of the people’s politician, a catastrophe magnet who can’t tie his shoelace without burning down a school. I’m surprised your resignation speech wasn’t just a series of sobbing noises in closed brackets.

In the wake of this cataclysmic disaster, my only advice to you is to go as soon as you can. The instigators of the Leave campaign didn’t really want this result. They just wanted to fire a warning shot with regards to your premiership, to let you know the vultures were ready to stretch their wings for a little circling in the near future. The mortified faces of Michael Gove and Boris Johnson this afternoon made it abundantly clear that a narrow defeat for them was their ideal outcome. Now they’ve got a builder’s skip of clusterfuck on their gated driveway and no one’s going to move it.

Go, and go now. Don’t even try to make sense of the chaos that will burden the United Kingdom for the next twenty years. Don’t even see out the day. Go home and watch Bargain Hunt. This action won’t save your legacy, because that is beyond the capabilities of any historian: your biography should just be a flip book of a man jumping into a barrel as it rolls off a cliff. However, leaving office with bugger all in place to ensure a smooth transition for your successor is the least you can do to those treacherous mealy-mouthed pufferfish who threw you under the bus.

It won’t affect me. I’m planning on taking a sabbatical myself.

Enjoy that caravan you’re going to buy. That’s all you’ve got now.

Yours,

M.

Diary: Sunday 3rd July 2016

Balls. Double balls.

Axworthy have called me in. Seems they’ve been approached by Theresa May for PPD.* Dear God, no. The very thought of operating the strings of that particular haunted marionette fills me with dread from my toes to my lobes.

They promised me a break. They said once Cameron was gone, they’d promote someone else; give some other poor soul the toxic shit-shovel and hazmat suit. But no.

The overreliance on me is worrying. Axworthy is the most intimidating and fearsome behemoth of an organisation and yet even they can’t find anyone else to manage the ceaseless onslaught of political ineptitude in this country.

I am of course flattered by their faith in me, but the fact is, after six years trying to turn David Cameron into a great statesman, I’m a husk. I’m a memory of a husk. The man left his daughter behind in a pub, for God’s sake.

I’m going to have to set some ground rules this time. Every time she makes a catastrophic error of judgement, I get the next bank holiday off. Something like that.

* Public Persuasion Duty

From:	M [mailto: m@axworthy.com]
Sent:	12th July 2016 06:45
To:	no10-communications@gov.org.uk
Subject:	PM May’s Maiden Speech Notes

Dear All,

Thank you for sending me Prime Minister May’s speech ahead of her address this afternoon. It is clear from giving it the once-over that you made the rookie mistake all new speechwriters commit: letting the person reading it out have anything to do with it. Bless you.

But let me remind you that when a toddler asks if they can play with the remote control, you take the batteries out first so they can’t do any damage. By all means, let the PM believe she’s written it, just ensure it is signed off without a single comma in it attributable to her.

I know it sounds like an impossible task but over the years this will become second nature to you. Politicians are not writers. If they were, they wouldn’t need writers.

For future reference, always write the PM’s speeches when she’s not in the same room as you. Keep her at arm’s length. Perhaps you should set up your writing room adjacent to a room full of distractions like a fancy Nespresso machine or a half-finished jigsaw of a lovely mountain. Whatever. Just stall her.

Having said that, it’s not a bad first attempt. See my notes below:

‘In David Cameron I follow in the footsteps of a great modern prime minister.’

Get her to rehearse this line to ensure she can deliver it without smirking.

‘. . . fighting against the burning injustice that if you’re born poor you will die on average nine years earlier than others.’

I would lose this part. You can’t paint yourself as a bastion of social equality arriving to shake things up if you’ve been at the heart of government since 2010. What has she been doing the last six years if she wasn’t fighting burning injustices as Home Secretary? Learning the flute? Making her own plum jam?

‘When we take the big calls we will think not of the powerful, but of you. When we pass new laws we will listen not to the mighty, but to you.’

Again, lose this. The general public sees through empty statements. They know the rich and powerful still hold all the cards and that that’s why there are more tax loopholes in this country than there are arseholes in Westminster.

That should do for now. No point burdening you with heavy notes for a maiden speech: they’re famously scant on detail and you don’t want to defy decades of tradition by making the PM say anything significant.

Best of luck,

M.

Diary: Wednesday 10th August 2016

Woken at two a.m. by our man in Washington. It seems Trump has said if Hillary Clinton becomes president and gets to pick her judges there will be nothing the American public can do about her taking away the second amendment; then hinted to those who carry arms that there is one other way.

So he essentially joked that she should be shot. Luckily the United States doesn’t have a strong historical association with assassinated leaders, so this is fine.

Axworthy are becoming increasingly concerned that if Trump does become POTUS, and therefore automatically our client, we’ll be working tirelessly around the clock, pouring all our resources into this dangerously inept plum cake and putting too much strain on the already stretched team.

With that in mind, I may suggest to the top brass that – for the first time in fifty years – the Axworthy organisation retracts its longstanding services to the presidency. I imagine that’ll go down about as well as when I suggested a birthday cake ban in the office.*

* There are just too many February birthdays. By the beginning of March my blood type is Colin the Caterpillar.

NOTES

25/08/16

IDEAS FOR NON-CONTROVERSIAL / NEUTRAL / UNINTERESTING / DULL HOLIDAY DESTINATIONS FOR PM MAY

Nowhere in the EU – The severity of pro-Leave zealotry in the country right now would mean those beetroots interpreting any jaunt across the Channel as something akin to urinating against the White Cliffs of Dover whilst dressed as a baguette. Which would at least be a cheaper excursion to arrange.

Tulum, Mexico – Instagram influencers are flocking here for the interesting architecture, gorgeous coast and vegan food, which could give the PM some cred. The only drawback is her presence could automatically suck all the cred out of Tulum, so by the time she left the place, it would have the same appeal as Tamworth.

Canary Islands – Despite being in the EU, Spanish islands are always a good bet; Brits see them as a kind of hot Southend. I’m sure a lot of Brexiteers think we own them. The problem with this option is the PM would have to hide her disdain for the other Brits holidaying out there too. And generally speaking, her disdain-hiding abilities are woeful: looks like a cat in its basket on the way to the vet’s.

The Swiss Alps – She’s always banging on about her love for hiking so this could be a warmly-welcomed suggestion. We could take photos of her looking relaxed, wearing sunglasses, smiling, enjoying life, leaning on a Nordic pole and staring off into the distance, thinking about stricter prison reforms.

Disneyland, Paris – Strictly speaking this is in the EU, but Disneyland is great for pun-laden puff pieces. ‘PM Vows Not to Take the Mickey When It Comes to the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement’, ‘“I Won’t Make Any Goofs on the Intervention in Yemen,” says PM After Hair-Raising Teacup Ride’, ‘When It Comes to Border Controls, I Haven’t Gone Jafar Enough’, etc.

Devon or Cornwall – Plenty of Tory voters, lots of places to have a cream tea and two of the few regions in the UK that will make her look positively dynamic.

Dubai – Cons: built by modern-day slavery. Pros: lovely aquarium.

USA – A brief informal visit to see Hillary might help establish a much-needed diplomatic bond ahead of her election win.

Oxfordshire – I’d like to send the PM to a sleepy Oxfordshire village for a week on the off-chance that the murder of a wealthy local developer takes place at the same time. I just think she’d make a good TV detective. Philip as her trusty sidekick… Maybe there could be a series: ‘The Hiking Detective’? That could be her thing. Like Sherlock Holmes and his violin. OK, yes, I’m bored of this list now.

From:	Martin Doherty [mailto: martindoherty@axworthy.com]
Sent:	25th August 2016 10:23
To:	M [mailto: m@axworthy.com]
Subject:	Farageband

Hello M,

How’s the Westminster turd-polishing business?

Just thought I should touch base with you re this Nigel Farage. He’s on our radar today because he’s in Mississippi with Trump for one of his cheering-and-balloon extravaganzas. Have you ever been to one of these? It’s essentially an 8-year-old’s birthday party but much, much larger. And where the 8-year-old is also the hired clown.

Anyway, the file on Farage here in the US is as old as his dress sense. We need some fresh data on him before the rally. Axworthy are keen for us to monitor his and Trump’s relationship in case DJT is elected in November. It’s almost as if our superiors know something we don’t.

Please could you provide a quick doc of any info that could be useful? We know that he’s a divisive political figure in the United Kingdom and we also know that it’s impossible to gauge where his neck ends and his head begins but that’s about it.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Marty

From:	M [mailto: m@axworthy.com]
Sent:	25th August 2016 10:51
To:	Martin Doherty [mailto: martindoherty@axworthy.com]
Subject:	Farageband

Dear McFly,

Thanks for your email.

I have attached a quick fact file on Farage, though quite why Axworthy thinks their relationship is worth monitoring is beyond me. Trump has obviously been advised by his cabal of degenerate carpet sharks that associating with the current leading light in modern British bigotry will help globalise his campaign and, crucially, galvanise anti-liberal feeling across the west.

But let’s be in no doubt: this fling is for one night only. The frothy-mouthed, corduroy-cap-wearing Dad’s Army caricature will no doubt enjoy watching his divisive rhetoric being hoovered up by Trump’s hardcore army tonight, but trust me, as soon as Farage has endorsed Trump, the honeymoon will be over. It’ll be ‘Back to Sevenoaks with you and make your own way to the airport, puddle-mouth’.

Farage to Trump is just a doorman. And once he’s opened that door, Farage is expendable. He’s just a man. Standing alone by a door. Wearing a silly hat.

But who am I to argue against the strategies of our superiors? Hope the file is more use than the man himself.

Best,

M.

Thursday 25th August 2016

Nigel Farage – What to Know

Frankly, the less you know about him the better: it’s like asking for a fact file on warts or poisonous insects. Who really wants to know? What follows are a few pointers. If you need anything else, God forbid, let me know.

Farage and UKIP

Farage has an odd relationship with his own party. As leader he clearly possessed lofty ambitions for its development and future but, regrettably for him, the extraordinary way in which the party attracted the country’s most dangerously ignorant, jingoistic dimwits meant that, on the face of it, UKIP would always come across as rather pantomimic. Less mainstream political party, more Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.

When Farage tried resigning in 2015, the party refused to accept his resignation because they knew without him at the helm throwing his weight around in Europe (and appearing on BBC’s Question Time more often than the theme tune) the curtain would well and truly be ripped away, exposing UKIP as the wildly ineffectual, tinpot rabble of blustering lunatics we always suspected it to be.

Farage and Europe

He savours every moment in the European Parliament – not because his supporters back home see him as a modern British crusader against European federalism, but because he enjoys being a nuisance. And that’s what puts the sugar in his tea: being loathed. This is because loathing leads to rage, rage leads to fighting and fighting leads to discord, political splits, divisive rhetoric and extreme policies. A four-course meal made in heaven, for Nige.

You only have to look at his boiled face to know what motivates him. He’s like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, only the gas in the tank is continental disdain.

Farage and the US

We understand Farage has close links with Trump’s chief strategist and part-time offal impersonator Steve Bannon. One can only imagine what the discourse is like:

‘So our team in the US is gonna create political intolerance throughout the western world via a highly sophisticated campaign of Russian-backed social media infiltration.’

‘Righty-o.’

‘What about you?’

‘I’m going to complain to the BBC for editing racial colloquialisms out of old sitcoms.’

‘Sorry, what?’

Farage and the Environment

Farage doesn’t have time for climate change. Not yet anyway. When he’s hurriedly adapting his Range Rover Discovery into an amphibious 4x4 and propelling himself into town for marked-up lifejackets from House of Fraser, then he’ll have time for it. But at the moment he’s one of those rah-rah-pish-and-nonsense puffins who believe the green agenda to reverse the damage done to the world is nothing but a liberal scam. Quite how saving the planet can be interpreted as some sort of hoax is a theory I’ve yet to fully comprehend.

Farage and Smoking

Farage was against the public smoking ban and saw his own habit as an act of solidarity and defiance. This is the kind of man you’re dealing with: someone who smokes a cigarette indoors and thinks they’re Thomas Becket.

Miscellaneous Farage Data I’ve Made Up That Might Not Be True But Probably Is

1) He has a glass-fronted cabinet in the living room full of dubious-looking porcelain figurines.

2) He has a functioning VHS recorder.

3) He has an ornately framed oil painting of a horse and cart on the wall above his bed.

4) He never makes eye contact with anyone who works in a coffee shop.

5) Whenever he smells a barbecue in his neighbourhood, he calls the police.

6) He never shares a sharing bag of chocolates.

7) Whenever he witnesses someone breast-feeding in public, he calls the police.

8) He never asks where the toilets are in a restaurant, believing it to be a sign of weakness.

9) He has never ridden a pedalo.

10) He smells all fruit with suspicion before putting it in his shopping basket.

11) He has a wavy front-garden hedge of which he is overly proud.

12) When he has a builder in his house, he calls him ‘matey’.

13) He has a Tower of London Beefeater costume he puts on when he’s alone and sad.

14) His computer has a maximum-sized cursor that takes up a quarter of the screen.

15) He doesn’t understand the system at Argos.

16) He once sat in the children’s sandpit in a recreational park for forty minutes talking about border controls to a sock puppet on his hand.

17) He doesn’t cook very often, but when he does, he wears an apron with a tea towel over the shoulder and he says ‘make room make room make room’ when he takes something out of the oven.

18) He will press the button on the pedestrian crossing a little bit harder than you just to make sure.

19) He has a little stool in his garage for cleaning the roof of his car.

20) A little fucking stool. You know he does.

Diary: Thursday 1st September 2016

Day off today. It’s a welcome break. Axworthy and Downing Street are having a spat over an ‘access to Theresa May’ lunch being held during the Conservative Party conference next month. The idea is that if corporate execs are willing to stump up £3,000, they can attend a lunch with the Prime Minister and assorted cabinet members.

Quite why anyone would want access to Theresa May is confusing to begin with. Two hours in the company of her and her colleagues and you’d be paying to be removed from the table. Perhaps I should provide that as a service? ‘Engaged in a torturous lunch with the leader of this country? For £3,000 I can kidnap you and transfer you to the cloakroom with a bag of crisps and a fizzy drink until she’s gone.’

Axworthy believe this lunch to be an open goal for the media and have ordered me to stand down until the matter is resolved, which I fully expect it to be. Someone sent me the provisional itinerary for the lunch and it’s pretty clear from the way it scans that Downing Street need us more than we need them.

12.00: Introduction by Philip Hammond (crispy squid)

12.25: Protecting jobs with Dominic Raab (compressed watermelon)

12.50: Modernising the economy with Michael Gove (roasted squab pigeon)

13.15: Regional productivity with Matt Hancock and Liam Fox (smoked duck and caramelised peach)

13.45: The business sector with Damian Green (baked aubergine)

14.10: The future of housing with Liz Truss (torched halibut)

14.30: The importance of local community with Prime Minister May (apricot jelly)