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Contraindications

You may experience

necrosis of the jaw, the collapse

of your spine, the disintegration

of your skeleton, ruptures

in the brain, cardiac arrest,

ulcers in the guts, haemorrhaging

sores, embolisms, cataracts . . .

But let’s not jump the gun. Relax.

It may never happen!

The following are far more common:

moon face, vomiting, exhaustion,

puffy ankles, night sweats,

rashes, diarrhoea, going bald,

fluid retention, abdominal distension,

‘moderate discomfort’ (also known as ‘pain’),

extremes of hot and cold,

prematurely growing old,

other gripes too numerous to mention.

You may also, if you’re vigilant, detect

psychiatric side-effects.

A mood diary may be beneficial.

At certain stages of the cycle

you may find yourself getting tearful

for no apparent reason.