Читать книгу A Sister’s Courage - Molly Green - Страница 7

February 1939

‘I’m so proud of you, darling.’

Raine’s father removed his spectacles and regarded her. She was sitting opposite him in his study, a room stuffed with books, papers and files. Blotting paper, pens and pencils littered his desk, and his beloved wireless set perched on a bookcase. He was holding the paper with the results of Raine’s test, the one that would give an indication as to what she might expect when she took her Higher National Certificate in the summer. He glanced at the paper again.

‘You’re up for top marks in mathematics.’ He looked up and caught her eye. ‘I’m not surprised. You gained a distinction in your School Certificate.’ He continued reading. ‘A pass in history and scripture, and credits in English, science and geography … even French. You’ll be able to converse with your mother in her native language at long last.’ His eyes twinkled as he looked at her and Raine gave a ghost of a smile.

Her father was well aware her mother was an impatient woman who couldn’t stand more than a couple of minutes’ French conversation with Raine without criticising her. Everyone in Raine’s French class envied her having a French mother she could practise with and who helped with her pronunciation and grammar.

If only they knew.

‘Well, there’s no question why you’ve got these results,’ her father broke into her thoughts, ‘being the brains of the family.’

Raine shrugged. ‘It’s only an indication, Dad. Who knows what the results will be when I take the proper exam. I’m not banking on anything in case I disappoint you. And I don’t want to be known as the brains in the family, either. Look at Suzanne with her music. She’s incredible the way she follows all those music scores and can play two instruments beautifully – the only one in the family who’s musical.’

Her father paused to pull out a packet of cigarettes. ‘Don’t know where she gets it from. Certainly not from me,’ he said, shaking one out. ‘But it’s marvellous, all the same.’

Raine noticed his hand was a little unsteady as he flicked the lighter. She noticed his hair was thinning and his eyes had heavy bags under them. She saw the deepening lines from his nose to his mouth. Maman had encouraged him to go into partnership with two other accountants eighteen months ago and Raine feared the extra responsibility was taking its toll on his health. Come to think of it, her father didn’t look very happy these days, either. She supposed he was getting old. She always forgot he was so much older than her mother.

‘But that doesn’t take away your achievement,’ her father continued, drawing on his cigarette and blowing out the smoke in a long stream through his nose.

She waited. She knew exactly what was coming, but today she had her answer prepared … and her request.

Her father took in another long drag and exhaled. Raine felt her eyes stinging but knew better than to say anything. Her father’s study was his haven. Even her mother wasn’t allowed in unless invited, and very definitely not Doreen, the cleaning lady, unless he was present. He always said he knew exactly where everything was, even though the papers and books piled on his desk were in danger of cascading any minute.

‘We’ve touched on the subject before, Raine. Maybe a little too soon when you were hardly old enough to make a decision, but I hope with these excellent marks – especially the one in mathematics – you’ll take up my offer to start a career in the company.’ She remained silent. ‘I know it will be harder for you to be accepted as a girl, but I can help overcome any problems on that front.’

Raine bristled. ‘Dad, I intend to fight my own battles. It would be awful if you interfered like that. Can you imagine what would it look like, one of the partners giving his daughter a shove up the ladder? They’d resent me and there’d be nothing you could do to stop it.’

Her father’s voice hardened a fraction. ‘What are you saying, Lorraine?’

‘That I’m not going to work in the company. I’m sorry, Dad, but I’m not interested in accounting – I’ve told you before – so I wouldn’t be any good at the job.’

‘Raine, I’m offering you a proper career – you’ll thank me one day. Then when the time comes and you decide to marry – though I’m not sure who would put up with you, you’re such an independent miss – at least you’ll have something solid behind you, should you ever need it.’

‘Thank you, Dad, but no. I’m not doing it. And as for getting married, I’ve no intention of doing that, either – not for a very long time, if ever. I want to see something of the world. Live a little. Not be stuck in some deadly office doing deadly figures with deadly people.’

Frustration rose in her chest as she sprang up to leave, but her father put his hand on her shoulder and firmly pressed her down in the chair again.

‘Not so fast, Lorraine,’ he said, his voice stern.

As though I’m a little girl, Raine thought, annoyed. She sat in sulky silence.

‘Didn’t they teach you better manners at that expensive school we sent you to? Your mother is very upset with your outbursts lately.’

He never called Raine by her full name unless he was displeased with her. It was the first time he’d ever used the cost of her school to make a point. Inwardly, Raine cringed. She’d always adored her father, but these days he rarely stuck up for her against her mother, who used every feminine trick to twist him round her little finger. Raine swallowed her scorn. Batting her eyelashes and looking up adoringly to some man to get her own way was not something she could ever contemplate. If she didn’t stand firm now, he and Maman would take over her life. She looked unwaveringly back at him.

‘You’re very stubborn,’ her father went on when she remained silent, ‘and that’s not always something to be proud of. You remind me so much of your mother.’ His face softened as he gave a rueful smile. ‘And I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t think the world of you both.’

She threw off his words with a laugh as if they were of no consequence to her, but deep inside she knew her father was right. She was stubborn. No matter how hard she tried to be tolerant, if someone couldn’t see things the way she did, she lost all patience.

‘Don’t you see, Raine, it’s because we love you and want the best for you.’

‘I want more from life than what you and Maman seem to have mapped out for me,’ she fairly snapped back. ‘A trainee accountant, for however long that lasts. And all I’d have at the end of it would be my name on a brass plate on the door. Can you imagine?’ She pulled a face.

‘You’d be a partner in time.’

Raine snorted. ‘Me? A woman?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I doubt it. But it’s not what I want, anyway.’

‘Well, what do you want?’

Raine shook her head, her mouth tight. She knew she was letting her father down. That his dream had always been that she’d join his company one day and become a full-blown accountant. All because mathematics came easy to her. She wished she’d failed her mathematics test now. If she had, she might not be sitting here, facing her father, fighting for her future.

‘Didn’t you get any career advice at school?’

‘Oh, heaps.’ Raine rolled her eyes. ‘Nursing … teaching … secretary … vet’s assistant. Why didn’t they tell us to aim higher – become a doctor … or headmistress … or go into politics, now we have the vote? No, not that, on second thoughts,’ she added hastily, in case her father took her up on it. ‘Actually, I’d hate that.’

‘Strangely enough, you’d probably be good at it,’ he said. ‘You certainly wouldn’t let the opposition get a word in.’ He drew in another lungful of smoke, blew it out in a stream, some escaping through his nose, then ground the stub in his ashtray. ‘Well, I have to say, Lorraine, I’m disappointed. It would’ve been good to know when the day comes you’ll be there to carry on the name.’

Her heart squeezed as she studied her father. What was he hinting at? Now she thought about it, he was suddenly looking a lot older. Not just tired but exhausted. She felt a flash of sympathy for him. However hard he worked she knew it was never quite enough to keep Maman satisfied. But if she caved in, she’d be the one to be unhappy. She drew in a deep breath.

‘I want to do something exciting with my life. Something challenging – learning new skills.’ She gazed at her father, imploring him to understand. ‘Dad, have you forgotten what I told you I wanted to be that day at the flying circus?’

Her father momentarily closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘No, Raine, I haven’t. But if you won’t come into the business and you don’t have any other sound ideas, I think you’d better concentrate on getting a distinction in your Higher Certificate. That would make your mother proud that her faith in you is justified.’

‘But will you let me take flying lessons on weekends? I don’t want to put it off any longer. Please, Dad, say I can. You know it’s what I want to do more than anything in the world. I’ve never changed my mind. I’ll never be happy unless I can learn to fly.’ She held her breath.

He gave her a look she couldn’t fathom.

‘You’re not yet eighteen. Far too young to take flying lessons, and I know your mother will say the same.’

‘Boys no older than me are pilots.’ Raine held her father’s gaze. ‘If I’d been a boy, you wouldn’t have said that,’ she flashed. ‘Would you?’

‘I don’t know, love. I’m not used to sons. I’ve only got three lovely daughters.’

He smiled and she knew he was trying to soften the blow. But she wouldn’t allow herself to be softened. This was too important.

Her father lit another cigarette. ‘Well, Raine, I’ll have a word with your mother, but I don’t think it’ll get you anywhere.’

Raine frowned. ‘Why can’t you stand up to her for a change? Why does she always have to have the last word? She’ll never agree. She’s too French. All she wants is for me to look pretty and dress like a Frenchwoman and marry a rich man. Preferably on the other side of the Channel so she has an excuse to visit France. And that’s not what I want at all. What’s right for her is not right for me, but she’ll never see it.’

Her father patted her hand. ‘Enough, Raine. I’ve told you I’ll speak to her.’

‘No, I will not permit Lorraine to take lessons for flying.’ Simone’s voice rose.

When Raine had decided to go by the name she called herself when she was little – she couldn’t pronounce ‘Lorraine’ – her father had immediately humoured her, except when he was displeased. But her mother had simply ignored her request, telling her she was quite ridiculous to give up her lovely French name. And no amount of foot-stamping by the little girl would alter her mother’s attitude.

Now, in the sitting room, her parents were talking about her as though she wasn’t there. Raine pressed her lips together. She was old enough to be treated as an adult. She could make her own decisions. They must see how important it was for her.

‘Why won’t you?’ Raine demanded.

Her mother swung round, her eyes darkening with anger.

‘Because I say so.’

‘That’s not good enough, Maman,’ Raine said, pushing down her fury and speaking in a measured tone. If she showed any childish sign, her mother would leap on it. She knew that from past experience.

‘You had better explain to her, Robert.’ Simone gave a theatrical sigh and turned on her husband, her tone cool. ‘I’m going to take a headache pill and have a lie-down.’

‘I know we can afford it,’ Raine said when her mother had left the room. ‘And I’ll scream if Maman says one more time how dangerous it is. It’s no more dangerous than skiing and everyone does that without even thinking about it.’

‘Sit down, Raine. I’m afraid I have something to tell you, which your mother and I have tried to keep to ourselves rather than upset you girls.’

Raine perched on one of the leather armchairs, leaning forward. What on earth was coming? Her father drew his eyebrows together as he did when he had something important to say. She braced herself.

‘I’m glad we were able to give you and Suzanne a good education, darling, but we won’t be able to do the same for Ronnie.’

What’s he talking about? Oh, of course.

She breathed out. ‘Ronnie’s the first to admit she’s not brainy,’ Raine said, ‘so it would probably be wasted on her anyway.’

‘No education is ever wasted,’ her father reprimanded. ‘It’s not that at all. Ronnie deserves the same education as her sisters. But I won’t beat about the bush. You’re old enough to know the truth.’ He looked directly at Raine. ‘I’m afraid I’ve lost quite a lot of money.’

Raine gazed at her father in horror.

‘How?’

Her father wouldn’t meet her eye.

‘I don’t want to go into it at the moment,’ he said flatly. ‘Just take it from me that flying lessons are out of the question for the time being. So please don’t mention it again.’

‘What about Maman …?’ Raine said desperately. ‘Hasn’t she got some money of her own?’

‘She has a little tucked away and that’s what I was hoping she might use. I’ve tried hard to persuade her on your behalf, but she’s completely against women flying … especially her daughter. She maintains it’s not feminine. That it’s too dangerous. She’s terrified something bad will happen to you. It’s a man’s job, she says. I must say I don’t totally disagree, though I think you’d probably be an exception.’

Rage stuck in Raine’s throat. Anger for her father for being foolish enough to lose his money and not strong enough to stand up to his adored wife who had independent means. Fury with her mother for being so narrow-minded and not understanding how learning to fly meant everything in the world to her.

She had a sudden thought and managed to swallow before she spoke. ‘Are we going bankrupt?’

Her father sighed. ‘No. Your mother won’t allow that to happen. But we’re going to have to move to a smaller house.’

The shock almost sent her reeling.

‘But I like living here.’

She couldn’t bear the idea of leaving. Leaving their beautiful Edwardian house in the enormous garden full of trees and flowers with lawn stretching for what seemed like miles when they were children. Where she and her sisters had played hide-and-seek, where they’d kept chickens for years until one day the fox got them. Tender-hearted Suzanne, who refused to eat the chicken Maman had subsequently served, had cried for days until her father built a stronger coop and bought another clutch of hens from the local farmer.

Raine’s heart beat furiously.

‘I’m afraid it’s not up to you, Raine.’

‘It sounds like you and Maman have everything already planned,’ Raine said, not bothering to disguise the bitter edge to her words. ‘Where will we go … and when do we have to leave here?’

‘A family have been to see the house and made an offer. It’s a fair one and will get us out of debt. But there won’t be much over – we’ll have to rent somewhere.’

‘And then what will happen to us?’

‘We’ll be all right so long as we’re careful. You might have to share a bedroom with your sister. And flying lessons, I’m afraid, can’t come into it. You’re nearly an adult.’ He regarded her as though he still couldn’t believe it and shook his head. ‘You should seriously be thinking about a vocation.’

‘What if there’s a war? Everyone talks about it all the time. Another one with Germany. They said as much on Pathé News last night when Sally and I went to the cinema.’

‘I don’t think it will happen,’ her father said, his eyes sad. ‘People haven’t forgotten the last war, a war to end all wars, and Mr Chamberlain secured the current peace treaty when he went to Munich last year.’

‘But a piece of paper doesn’t necessarily mean anything if Hitler’s mad enough,’ Raine argued, ‘and if I was a pilot—’

‘They’d never allow girls … women … to fly,’ her father interrupted. ‘Look at the RAF. They don’t even have a women’s section, let alone women pilots. You’re wasting your time. And you wouldn’t be able to take the discipline, even if they did. Believe me, Raine, I know you better than you know yourself.’ He paused. ‘But I also know something else about you. You’re a very determined young woman. If it’s your heart’s desire and you really want to learn to fly, you’ll find a way to pay for the lessons yourself.’

Raine threw him a long hard look and without another word, leapt up and marched out of the door, slamming it behind her, ignoring his order to come back. She went up to her room, the room she’d had to herself since she was twelve. Her mother had actually allowed her to choose the paint colour and curtain material and even the rug. Would she miss all that? No. She wasn’t sentimental about the house. Not like Suzanne. Raine loved changes, challenges, variety. No, it was because she couldn’t bear the thought of the humiliation. Her father’s humiliation and the family’s.

She sat on the edge of the bed and put her hands to her face. Simply being in her room gave her the privacy she craved. Sharing with one of her sisters? Unthinkable. Her chest coiled as tight as a jack-in-the-box and she was ready to lash out at anyone.

She went over every word of the conversation with her father. Why wouldn’t he tell her how he’d lost a load of money? She supposed he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Or her mother had forbidden him to tell her the truth. And there were two other questions he hadn’t answered: when they were moving and where.

Beaten, she burst into tears.