Читать книгу Tessa Wadsworth's Discipline - Mrs. Nathaniel Conklin - Страница 9

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“Miss Jewett.”

“Well, dear.”

Tessa was sitting on the carpet in Miss Jewett’s little parlor with her head in Miss Jewett’s lap; Miss Jewett had been smoothing the girl’s hair for several minutes, neither speaking.

“I have lost something; I don’t dare try to find it for fear that God has taken it away from me.”

“How did you lose it?”

Tessa raised her head, paused, then spoke impressively: “I lost it through carefulness.”

“Ah! I have heard of such a thing before.”

“Oh, have you? Is any one in the world like me? I thought that no one ever made such mistakes as I do, or needed the discipline that I need!”

“My dear, all hearts are fashioned alike.”

“But all lives are not alike.”

“Not so different as you imagine; in my girls I live over my old struggles, longings, mistakes; in the history of lives lived ages ago I find the same struggles, longings, mistakes, the same need of the same discipline.”

“Oh, if you can help me; if you can only help me! You study the Bible, isn’t every thing in the Bible? Didn’t Paul mean that every thing was in it when he said that through the comfort of the Scriptures we have hope? I can not find any thing to suit me; you find something.”

The gaslight was more than she could bear, she dropped her head again, covering her face with both hands.

“Suppose you tell me all about it.”

“All about it,” repeated Tessa in a muffled tone. “I could not if I wanted to; but I can tell you where the despair comes in.”

“That is all I want to know.”

“Well,” raising her head again and speaking clearly and slowly. “It was an opportunity to get something that I wanted. I thought I had it, I thought it was laid in my hand and I had but to clasp my fingers tightly over it to keep it forever and forever; I cared so much that I hardly cared for any thing else. I do not think that I would lose it again through caring too much. Do you think that it is just as hard for God to see us too careful as too careless?”

“How were you too careful?”

“Oh, in being wise and doing things in my own way. What I want to know is this: did He ever give any body another opportunity? If He ever did, I will hope that He will be just as tender towards me.”

“Christ came down to earth to seek the lost; a lost opportunity is one of the things that He came to find. I think if you seek it for His sake, and not for your own, that He will find it for you.”

“For His sake, not for mine,” repeated Tessa, wonderingly. “How can I ever attain to that? I am very selfish.”

“Do you remember about David, whose heart was fashioned like yours, how careful he was once and what happened?”

Miss Jewett was speaking in her brisk, working voice; the troubled face had become alight.

“Now we will read about one who made a sorry mistake by being so careful that he forgot to find out God’s way of doing a certain thing. He did the thing that he wanted to do after a style of his own.”

Tessa arose and went into Miss Jewett’s bedroom; she knew that the Bible she loved best, the one pencilled and interlined, was always kept on a stand near the head of her bed. While Miss Jewett was opening it, Tessa said hurriedly and earnestly “I knew that if it were anywhere in the Bible—that if any one in the world had suffered like me—that you would know where to find them. You said last Sunday that God had written something to help us in every perplexity; but I studied and studied and could not find any thing about second opportunities. Perhaps mine is only a foolish little trouble; not a grand one like David’s.”

“Do you think that God likes to hear you say that?”

“No,” confessed Tessa. “I will not even think it again.”

“Have you forgotten how David attempted to bring the Ark into the city of David, and how he failed? What a mortifying and distressing failure it was, too. Now I’ll read it to you.”

One of Tessa’s pleasures was to listen to her reading the Bible; she read as if David lived across the Park, and as if the city of David were not a mile away.

Tessa kept her head in its old position and listened with intent and longing eyes.

“‘And David consulted with the captains of thousands and hundreds and every leader. And David said unto all the congregation of Israel, If it seem good unto you, and that it be of the Lord our God, let us send abroad unto our brethren everywhere, that are left in all the land of Israel, and with them also to the priests and Levites which are in their cities and suburbs, that they may gather themselves together unto us: and let us bring again the Ark of our God to us: for we inquired not at it in the days of Saul. And all the congregation said that they would do so: for the thing was right in the eyes of all the people. So David gathered all Israel together from Shihor of Egypt even unto the entering of Hemath, to bring the Ark of God from Kirjath-jearim. And David went up and all Israel to Baalah, that is to Kirjath-jearim, which belonged to Judah, to bring up thence the Ark of God the Lord, that dwelleth between the cherubim whose name is called on it. And they carried the Ark of God in a new cart—’ In a new cart, Tessa; see how careful he was!”

“Yes.”

“‘—Out of the house of Abinadab; and Uzza and Ahir drave the cart.’ That was all right and proper, wasn’t it?”

“It seems so to me.”

“‘And David and all Israel played before God with all their might, and with singing, and with harps, and with timbrels, and with cymbals, and with trumpets.’ They were joyful with all their might. Were you as joyful as that?”

“Yes: fully as joyful as that.”

“Now see the confusion, the shame, and the fear that followed those harps and timbrels and trumpets. ‘And when they came unto the threshing-floor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the Ark; for the oxen stumbled. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzza, and He smote him, because he put his hand to the Ark: and he died before God. And David was displeased, because the Lord had made a breach upon Uzza: wherefore that place is called Perez-uzza, to this day. And David was afraid of God that day, saying, How shall I bring the Ark of God home to me?’”

“I should think that he would have been afraid,” said Tessa; “and after he had been so sure and joyful, too.”

Miss Jewett read on: “‘So David brought not the Ark home to himself to the city of David, but carried it aside to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.’”

Tessa raised her head to speak. “I can not understand where his mistake was; how could he have been too careful of such a treasure. Oh, how terrible and humiliating his disappointment must have been! How ashamed he was before all the people! I can bear any thing better than to be humiliated.”

“My poor, proud Tessa.”

Tessa’s tears started at the tone; these first words of sympathy overcame her utterly; she dropped her head again and cried like a child, like the little child Tessa who had had so many fits of crying.

The eyes above her were as wet as her own; once or twice warm lips touched her forehead and cheek.

“Did he have another opportunity?” asked Tessa, at last. “I can understand how afraid he was. I was troubled because I gave thanks for the thing that was taken away from me. Did he find an answer to his ‘How’?”

“He was thankful, sincere, and careful.”

“I should think that was enough,” exclaimed Tessa, almost indignantly; “but I know that there was sin somewhere, else the anger of the Lord would not have been kindled. They went home without the Ark. That is saddest of all.”

“It was kept three months in the house of Obed-edom, and during those three months humbled David studied the law and found that his cart, new as it was, was not according to the will of God.

“‘Then David said, None ought to carry the Ark of God but the Levites; for them hath the Lord chosen to carry the Ark of God, and to minister unto Him forever.’”

“And he could have known that before,” cried Tessa.

“‘And David gathered all Israel together to Jerusalem, to bring up the Ark of the Lord unto his place, which he had prepared for it, and David assembled the children of Aaron and the Levites and said unto them, Ye are the chief of the fathers of the Levites: sanctify yourselves, both ye and your brethren, that ye may bring up the Ark of the Lord God of Israel unto the place that I have prepared for it. For because ye did it not at the first, the Lord our God made a breach upon us, for that we sought Him not after the due order.”

“Oh, how can we know every thing to do at the first?”

“How could David have known? Now he had found the right way to do the right thing. ‘So the priests and the Levites sanctified themselves to bring up the Ark of the Lord God of Israel. And the children of the Levites bare the Ark of God upon their shoulders with the staves thereon as Moses commanded, according to the word of the Lord. And David spake to the chief of the Levites to appoint their brethren to be the singers with instruments of music, psalteries and harps and cymbals, sounding, by lifting up the voice with joy. So David, and the elders of Israel, and the captains over thousands, went to bring up the Ark of the covenant of the Lord out of the house of Obed-edom with joy.’”

“He was not afraid now,” said Tessa. “I think that he was all the more joyful because he had been so humiliated and afraid. I will think about that new cart.”

“And those three months in which he was finding out the will of God. ‘And it came to pass, when God helped the Levites that bare the Ark of the covenant of the Lord that they offered seven bullocks and seven rams.’ He could not help them the first time because their way was not according to His law; their joy, their thankfulness, their sincerity, their carefulness availed them nothing because they kept not His law. Uzza was a priest and should have known the law; David was king and he should have known the law.”

“But he had his second opportunity, despite his mistake.”

“And so, if your desire be according to His will may you have yours; it may be months or years, half your lifetime, but if you study His word and ask for your second opportunity through the intercession of Christ, I am sure that you will have it.”

“Sometimes I am angry, sometimes bewildered, sometimes there is hatred in my heart because I have been deceived and humiliated—sometimes I do not want it back—”

“My dear,” said Miss Jewett, gravely, “discipline is better than our heart’s desire.”

“Is it? I don’t like to think so.”

When the clock in the church-tower struck midnight Tessa lay awake wondering if she could ever choose discipline before any heart’s desire.

Then she crept closer to Miss Jewett and kissed her.