Читать книгу To Have And To Hold - Myrna Mackenzie, Cathy Gillen Thacker - Страница 15

The familiar sight of Noah’s truck arrived at exactly eight fifty-five Sunday morning. Callie was coming out of the stables when she saw him retrieving his toolbox from the tray. She said hello and he said the same, but he quickly headed for the house and began repairing the screen door.

While she was left wondering if he was angry with her, she was also left facing Lily. And Lily was in a dark mood. She grunted when Callie clipped the long lead rein onto the halter secured beneath the bridle. And then again when Callie knotted the reins in the middle of the gelding’s neck and instructed Lily to do arm raises.

Lily muttered a “this sucks” under her breath and began her lesson.

It became a long fifty minutes, with Callie acutely conscious of Noah’s presence at the house. She wished she knew his moods better. Was he angry with her? He worked without breaking; he didn’t even appear to look in their direction. She hadn’t heard from him since Friday night. She’d thought he might call. But he hadn’t called … and as tempted as she’d been to pick up the telephone herself so she could hear his voice, she hadn’t.

“What’s up with you today?”

Lily’s accusing voice vaulted her back to the present. “Nothing,” she said.

“You’re not paying attention to me,” the teenager complained.

Callie switched her mind into instructor mode. “Of course I am. You’re doing great.” She grabbed a neutral subject. “How did your sleepover go at Maddy’s?”

Lily’s gaze snapped at her suspiciously as she trotted Samson in a circle, skillfully rising from the saddle in between beats. “How did yours go with my Dad?”

Maybe not such a neutral subject after all!

Callie’s face burned. She called Samson to a halt and waited until he slowed before roping him in. Once horse and rider were in front of her she spoke. “It wasn’t like that.”

Lily’s expression remained skeptical. “Yeah, sure.”

“I stayed for dinner,” she explained. “And then I went home.”

Lily didn’t like that, either. Her look became as black as her mood. “So you guys are friends now?”

Callie thought about how to answer. “I … suppose.”

Lily dismounted. “I thought you were my friend?”

Uh-oh. Callie chose her words carefully. “I am, Lily. I have all different kinds of friends.”

“Well, he doesn’t look at you like he wants you to be his friend. He looks at you as if he wants you to be his girlfriend.”

Callie grabbed the reins and tried to squash the sudden heavy thump of her heart. He’s not looking at me like anything at the moment.

“We’re just friends,” she said firmly, unclipping the reigning lead and handing Samson to Lily. “Give him a brush down and ask Joe to get a small feed for him.” She caught Lily’s scowl. “Horsemanship includes ground work and is all part of learning to ride.”

Lily started to move then stopped and swiveled on her boot. “I just don’t want things to change, that’s all. I like coming here. I like learning how to do stuff.”

“Nothing’s going to change,” Callie assured her, sensing that it was what Lily needed to hear. “I promise.”

“So you’re like, not moving back to California or anything?”

California? “No.”

Lily shrugged. “Because people do move. People … leave.”

Like her mother. Callie took about two seconds to figure it out. “Not all people,” she said gently. “Not your dad.”

Lily didn’t look convinced. “Yeah, I guess,” she said. “It’s not like I don’t want him to date or anything … I mean, as long as whoever he dates is not some old witch who hates kids. But you’re my instructor … and if you went out for a while and then stopped going out, I wouldn’t be able to come here anymore. When adults break up that’s what always happens.”

Callie drew in a deep breath. “We’re not dating. We’re friends.”

Lily nodded but clearly wasn’t convinced. Callie remained in the arena until Lily had led the horse into the stables. She wiped her hands down her jeans, tightened the hat on her head and walked toward the house. He wasn’t on the porch. The side gate was open and she headed around the back. Noah was by the fence, pulling off a couple of loose palings, while Tessa bounced around his feet.

“Lesson finished?” He spoke before she even made it twenty feet from him.

“Yes. She did a great job. A few more lessons and she’ll be ready for her own horse.”

He kept pulling at the palings. “I’m nearly done here.”

Callie took a long breath and stepped forward. “I was talking with Lily,” she said, watching as he kept working. “She knows … I mean, she thinks there’s something going on between us,” she blurted.

“I’m sure you set her straight.”

He was angry.

“I said we were just friends.”

He glanced at her but didn’t respond. Callie took another step and called the pup to heel. But Tessa, the traitor, remained by Noah’s side. He popped the palings in place with a few deft swings of the hammer.

“Sure, whatever.” He started walking past her but Callie reached out and touched his shoulder to stop him. He looked at her hand and then into her eyes. “What?”

“Exactly,” she said, digging her fingers into his solid flesh. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t move. “Nothing.”

A big fat whopping lie—and they both knew it. “Are you mad or something?”

“No.” He still hadn’t moved.

“So, we’re … okay?”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

Callie dropped her hand and felt the loss of touch immediately. He looked tense. More than that … he looked as wound up as a coil.

“Noah,” she breathed his name on a sigh. “If you—”

“Just drop it, Callie,” he said quietly. “I have to get going. See you later.”

She stared after him and watched his tight-shouldered walk with a heavy feeling in her chest. She almost called after him. Almost. Tessa followed before she turned back and sat at Callie’s boots. She touched the dog’s head and the pup whined.

“Yeah … I know what you mean, girl,” she said and waited until his truck started up and headed down the driveway.

She lingered for a moment, staring at the dust cloud from the wheels. Once the dust settled she headed back to the stables and prepared for her next student. Fiona called after lunch and made arrangements to drop over later that afternoon. Her final student left at four o’clock and once Joe took off for the day Callie grabbed her best show bridle and began cleaning the leather. Cleaning her gear had always settled her nerves, and she undid the nose band and cheek strap, set them aside and dipped an old cloth into the pot of saddle soap.

It wasn’t much of a diversion, though. Because Callie had a lump in her throat so big, so constricting, she could barely swallow. For two years she’d had focus. The farm. The horses. Her students.

And now there was Noah. And Lily. And the rest of his children.

Deep down, in that place she kept for her pain and grief and thoughts of her baby son, Callie realized something that shocked her to the core. If I reach out, I know in my heart I can make them my own. She wasn’t sure how it had happened so quickly. Feelings hadn’t been on her agenda for so long. Now, faced with them, Callie could feel herself retreating.

She wondered if she should have told him about Ryan. Would he understand? He’d had his own disappointments, but he didn’t appear to be weighed down with regret and grief. Maybe people could move on? Perhaps hearts did mend.

Right then, Callie wanted to believe that more than anything.

But to feel again? Where did she get the strength? Ryan’s death had zapped all her resilience. Before that she’d been strong, unafraid, almost invincible.

She was glad when she heard Fiona’s car pull up outside and called for her to join her in the tack room. Only it wasn’t her friend who stood in the doorway a few moments later. It was Noah.

He was back. And he clearly had something on his mind. Callie got to her feet quickly. Her heart pumped. “Did you … did you forget something?”

He stood in the doorway, his eyes locked with hers. “Do you still love him?”

She was poleaxed. “What?”

Noah was in front of her in three steps. “Your fiancé. Do you still love him?”

“He’s dead,” she whispered.

“I know. But that wasn’t the question.” He reached for her, slid one arm around her waist and drew her against him. “The thing is,” he said, holding her firm. “If you still love him, I’ll do my best to stop … to stop wanting you.” His other hand cupped her cheek, gently, carefully. “But if you don’t love him, then I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

Her insides contracted. “No,” she said on a breath.

“No?”

“I don’t love him.”

His green eyes darkened as he traced his thumb along her jaw. “Good,” he said softly.

And then he kissed her.

Callie let herself float into the warmth of his mouth against her own. It was a gentle possession, as if he knew her, as if he’d been kissing her forever. Only one other man had kissed her before this, and as she allowed Noah’s lips to part hers, any recollection of that faded and then disappeared. He didn’t do anything else—he just kissed her, like he couldn’t get enough of her mouth, her taste, her tongue.

Instinctively, Callie’s hands moved along his arms and to his shoulders. She touched his hair, felt the silky strands beneath her fingertips and slanted her mouth against his. Finally, when he lifted his head Callie felt so much a part of him she swayed toward his chest. Noah held her still, one hand on her shoulder while the other splayed on her hip and she lifted her chin higher to look into his eyes.

“Noah—I think.” Callie willed herself to move, but found such incredible comfort in his arms she simply couldn’t.

He didn’t let her go, either. “You think too much. How about you stop thinking and just feel?”

Oh, how she wanted to. But her doubts tormented her, taunting around the edges of her mind in a little dance, telling her that taking meant giving. And giving was … giving felt as far out of reach to her as the stars from some distant planet.

He leaned into her, like he knew her fears. “I’d never hurt you, Callie.”

In her heart she knew that. “But … but I might hurt you.”

“I’ll take that risk.” He kissed her again, long and slow and deliciously provocative.

Heat radiated through him, scorching her, and Callie wondered if she might melt. Kissing had never felt like this before. Nothing had ever come close to this. He was strong and safe—a haven for her shattered heart.

When the kiss was over she spoke. “But earlier today you were angry with me.”

“Yes. No. Not angry … just … wanting you and not sure how to reach you.” He touched her face. “Because I do want you Callie … very much.”

She wanted him, too. She wanted more of his touch, more of his mouth, his breath. He gave her what her eyes asked for, kissing her passionately, cradling her against his body.

“Hey, Callie! I’m here for—”

Fiona. Noah released her instantly and she stepped back on unsteady feet. Busted—and by the biggest blabbermouth she knew.

“Oh,” Fiona said so chirpily it had to be a cover for her surprise. “Hey, Noah. So … I’ll just go and make myself invisible.”

Fiona Walsh invisible? Not likely. But to her credit she left the room without another word. Callie looked at Noah. He didn’t look the least bit embarrassed that they’d been caught making out. “I should probably go inside,” she said quietly. “Fiona is here for …”

“Don’t run now.”

She twisted her hands together. Her skin, her lips, the blood in her veins felt more alive than she’d believed possible. “Noah … I’m not ready for someone like you.”

He stood rigid. “Like me?”

Callie exhaled heavily. “You’re like this whole package—like Mr. Perfect.” Suddenly the heat was back in the small room, charging the invisible atoms in the air with a heady pulse.

He laughed humorlessly. “I’m far from perfect.”

Callie crossed her arms. “I mean that I don’t think you’re the kind of man a woman kisses and then forgets. I don’t think you’re the kind of man a woman simply has sex with. I think you’re the kind of man a woman makes love with—and I’m not … I can’t …”

His eyes glittered. “So this isn’t a sex thing?”

Callie blushed wildly. “Well, of course it’s a sex thing. I mean, I’m not denying that I’m attracted to you. It’s obvious I am. It’s not just a sex thing.”

He didn’t move. He stared at her with such burning intensity she had to look away. To the floor. To the side. Anywhere but into his eyes.

Finally, he spoke. “Within minutes of meeting you, Callie, I knew something was happening. I couldn’t figure out what, but I knew it was big. I knew, on some level, that it would change my life. But I can’t afford to be casual about this. I have a responsibility to my kids to keep myself in a good place and to do the right thing by them.”

She took a deep breath as the sting of tears threatened. “That’s just it. I know that about you … I feel that. You have to think about your children, Noah,” she breathed. “And I … I’m not prepared to … I’m not prepared for that.”

His gaze narrowed. “For what, Callie? My kids? Is that what you’re saying?”

Her heart ached. I’m saying I’m not ready to let go yet … I’m not ready to forget my baby son and move on. I’m not ready to fall for you and love another woman’s children.

Her heart contracted. “Yes.” She whispered the word, knowing it would hurt him, knowing she was pushing him away because she was so afraid of all he offered her. “I don’t want a ready-made family.”

Silence screeched between them, like fingernails on a chalkboard.

When he spoke, his voice was quiet. “Well, I guess that’s it, then. I’ll see you next weekend.”

Callie stepped forward. “Noah, I really—”

“There’s no need to explain, Callie,” he said, cutting her off. “I understand what you’re saying. You don’t want my kids. You don’t want me. That’s plain enough. I’ll see you ‘round.”

She waited until he’d left the small room before taking a breath. And as she heard his truck pull away, she burst into tears.

Callie remained in the office for a while, but once her tears were wiped up she returned to the house. Fiona was waiting for her on the porch. Her friend sat on the love seat and held two glasses of wine.

“You look like you could use this.”

She sank on the seat and took the glass. “Thanks.”

Fiona’s big eyes looked her over. “You’ve been crying. What happened? You two looked cozy when I walked in.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You know,” Fiona said, sharper than usual, “sometimes it doesn’t hurt to open up a bit. That’s what friends do for each other—in case you forgot.”

“I’m a terrible friend,” Callie said through a tiny hiccup.

“Yeah, I know.”

Callie couldn’t help the hint of a smile that curled her mouth. “I don’t know how to feel,” she admitted. “He wants … he wants …”

“Everything?” Fiona asked. “That doesn’t seem like such a bad deal to me.”

It didn’t, no. But taking everything meant giving everything. “I can’t.”

Fiona took a sip of wine. “You can’t live in the past forever, Callie. Believe me, I know that from experience.” She leaned back in the love seat. “I know you lost a baby.”

Callie gasped. “How do you—”

“I found some pictures,” Fiona explained. “Remember when you first moved in and I helped you unpack? You were out with the horses and I was inside going through boxes …” Her voice trailed off.

Her memory box—given to her by the caring nursing staff at the hospital after Ryan had passed away. “Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

Fiona shrugged. “I figured if you wanted to tell me, you would. The only reason I’m bringing it up now is that I like Noah. And so do you. I don’t get why you’d send him away.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Because he has kids?”

Callie wondered where her friend had gotten all this sudden intuition from. “I’m just not sure if I can do it.”

Fiona watched her over the rim of her glass. “You won’t know unless you try.”

“And if I mess up, the children will be caught in the middle.”

“I think you should cut yourself some slack. You’re smart and from what I’ve seen you’re pretty good with kids.”

“This is different,” she said quietly.

“Why? Because you’re falling in love with him? With them?” Fiona asked.

Callie gasped. Was it true? Was she falling in love with him? She liked him … really liked him. But love? Could she? Overwhelmed, Callie couldn’t find the voice to deny her friend’s suspicions.

“Have you told Noah about your son?”

“No.”

“Maybe you should,” Fiona suggested. “You know he’d understand. Or is that what you’re afraid of?”

She stared at her friend. Was that the truth? Was she so afraid of him really knowing her?

“I had a baby,” Fiona admitted. “When I was fifteen.”

Callie’s eyes almost sprang out of their sockets. “What?”

Fiona nodded. “I gave her up for adoption. There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think about her, when I don’t wonder where she is, when I don’t pray that the family she’s with are looking after her, loving her. I hope they don’t love her less because she’s adopted.”

Thunderstruck, Callie stared at her friend, saw the tears shimmering in Fiona’s eyes and pushed back the thick swell of emotion contracting her own throat. She had no idea her bubbly, eternally happy friend was holding on to such a secret. “I’m so sorry, Fee.”

Fiona managed a brittle smile. “I guess what I’m saying is that we all have things in our past that can stop us from looking for happiness or make us blind to it when it comes along. The trick is having the courage to take the chance.”

Three days after the afternoon in the tack room, Callie went for a long ride. She rode into Crystal Point and headed for the beach. It was barely ten o’clock and only a few people were about, a couple chasing sticks with their dogs and a lone jogger pounding the sand. She maneuvered Indiana past the restrooms and onto the soft sand. She spotted a couple of small children building a sand castle and urged Indiana to a halt when she heard her name being called.

It was Evie. And the two small children were Hayley and Matthew.

“Hello,” Evie said as Callie dismounted.

Hayley came running up to her and hugged her so fiercely Callie was amazed by the little girl’s obvious display of affection. Evie stood back and watched the interaction keenly as Hayley showed off her thumbnail painted with transparent glitter polish compliments of her Aunt Mary-Jayne.

Both kids hovered around Indiana, and he stood like an angel while the little girl patted his soft muzzle. Matthew was a little more reluctant, but after a small amount of coaxing from his aunt he stroked Indy’s shoulder.

“He’s such a beautiful animal,” Evie said with a whistle.

Callie smiled proudly. “Yes, he is.” The kids lost interest in the horse and headed back to their sand castle. “They look like they’re having fun.”

Evie smiled. “They love the beach. I try to bring them as much as I can.”

“Do you look after them often?’

“Every Wednesday,” she replied. “My mother has them on Fridays and the rest of the week they’re in daycare.” Evie looked at the twins affectionately. “They’re off to school next year and I’m already missing them just thinking about it.”

Callie stopped herself from watching the twins. “They’re lucky to have you in their life.”

Evie shrugged. “They’re easy to love.”

Yes, Callie knew that. And she could feel herself getting drawn toward them. Evie patted Indiana for a moment and then slanted Callie a look she knew instantly would be followed by a question. “So, are you and Noah seeing each other?”

“Where did that come from?”

Evie smiled. “Jamie said you make a mean salad.”

Callie tipped her Akubra down on her forehead.

“I knew you were going on a date. But I was surprised when the kids told me you’d been to the house,” Evie said when she didn’t reply. “You’re the only woman he’s invited home to be with his kids since his divorce. I figured that meant something.”

Callie remembered Hayley’s innocent remark about grown-up girls and her insides contracted. She’d known it, felt it … but to hear the words, to know he’d never had another woman in the house with his children … it made her heart ache.

“He’s a good guy,” Evie said quietly. “He had a tough time with his ex and deserves to be treated right.”

Callie managed a brittle smile. “Are you warning me off?”

Evie chuckled. “Lord, no. And Noah would strangle me if he knew I was talking with you about this. Sometimes I get into my protective-sister mode and put my foot in it. But I like you, Callie. And I love my brother. So you can tell me to back off and stop meddling if you want—but I probably won’t listen.”

Callie was surprised by the other woman’s frankness. “I hear you.”

“She didn’t want her kids, you know,” Evie said as she looked over toward the twins. “Imagine that. I mean, she had a lot of emotional problems, no doubt about it … but to just walk away from two new babies … it’s unfathomable to me.” She sighed. “And Jamie was barely more than a toddler himself. As for Lily … sometimes she acts so impulsively and I’m concerned she has abandonment issues. And you’d never really know what Noah is thinking. But I guess when your wife packs her bags and tells you she doesn’t want you or your children—it must make it hard to trust someone again.”

Callie’s breath caught in her throat and emotion burned behind her eyes.

Abandoned, motherless children … and a good man trying to hold it all together. She suddenly felt the shame of what she’d said to him right down to the soles of her boots.

She’d said the words to hurt … said them knowing they would hit him hard.

She’d wounded him instead of doing what she should have done … which was to tell him the truth. About why she was so afraid. Fiona was right—she needed to tell him about Ryan.

“I have to go,” she said as she grabbed the reins and sprung into the saddle. “Thanks, Evie,” she said as she turned Indiana back toward the boat ramp and began the quick canter home.

Twenty minutes later she was back at Sandhills Farm. She untacked Indiana, turned him into one of the small paddocks behind the house and then headed inside. One telephone call and a change of clothes later and she was on the road.

She’d called Preston Marine and was told Noah was working from home that day. Within eight minutes she’d pulled her truck into his driveway. Callie turned off the ignition and got out. She heard a loud noise, like a motor running, and followed the sound around the side of the house. She saw him immediately, behind the pool fence holding a chainsaw.

In jeans and a white tank shirt, he looked hot, sweaty and gorgeous. She observed for a moment as he cut branches from an overgrown fig tree and tossed them onto a growing pile. There was something incredibly attractive about watching a man work—a kind of primitive instinct, purely female and wholly erotic. As if aware he was being watched, he stopped the task, lay the chainsaw aside and turned. He walked around the pool and came to a halt about ten feet from her.

“Hello.”

She took a breath. “Hi.”

He looked at his hands. “I need to wash up.”

Callie followed him through one pool gate and then another until they reached the patio. She waited while he slipped through the back door and then returned a few minutes later, cleaned up and in a fresh T-shirt and carrying two cans of soda.

He pulled the ring tab and passed her one. She took it, desperate to touch his fingertips, but she didn’t. “Are you playing truant today?”

“Just working off steam.”

Callie suspected she was the steam he needed to work off.

He put the can down on a nearby table. “Why are you here, Callie?”

She held her breath. “I saw your sister today.”

His brows came up. “Did she embarrass me?”

“No.” Callie stepped back on her heels. “But she said something. She said … she said you’d never invited a woman here … to be with the kids. Before me.”

“She’s right.”

Another breath, longer, to steady nerves stretched like elastic. “Why not?”

He pulled out a chair for her to sit on and then one for himself. Once Callie was seated he did the same. Finally, he spoke. “When you’re treated badly, when the person you’ve committed yourself to walks out the door and says she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want your children, she just wants to be free, it breaks something inside you. It broke something inside me,” he admitted. “I have no illusions about the kind of marriage I had. Most of the time it was a disaster. She’d left once before—the second time I told her that was it, no more. She had to make a choice. And she chose freedom.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

Callie stood and walked across the patio. She looked at the pool and the immaculate garden and the timber cubby house she knew he would have built himself. When she’d gathered the courage to say what she come to say, she turned. He was still seated.

“I’m so sorry, Noah.” Callie inhaled heavily. “About what I said the other day. I know I … I hurt you.”

He didn’t move.

Callie took a deep breath. “The way it came out, the way it sounded. That’s not what I wanted to say. And certainly not what I meant.”

He stood up and walked toward her. “So what did you want to say?”

She placed her hand on his arm and immediately felt the heat of their touch. “That your kids are amazing.” She swallowed hard and kept her hand on him. “What I’m feeling, it’s not about them. It’s about me.”

Noah covered her hand with his. “What are you feeling, Callie?”

Callie looked at him and her eyes glistened with moisture. She inhaled deeply, taking as much into her lungs as she could. “The reason I feel as I do … the reason I push people away …” She paused, felt the sting of tears. “The reason I push you away … it’s because I lost someone.”

Noah’s grip on her hand tightened. “Your fiancé?”

She met his gaze levelly. And the tears she’d been fighting tipped down over her lashes. “No, not Craig.”

“Then who? What do you—”

“My son,” she whispered. “My baby.”