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Jesse Duplantis Ministries

(Being Charlie in God’s chocolate factory) 6:00 a.m.

We all grab more coffee as Matthew, my husband, leaves to pick up the pastries I ordered from our local bakery. It’s time for Jesse Duplantis, a very entertaining Cajun preacher straight from New Orleans. He looks a bit like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, but in a silk suit and with a Cajun accent.

As we settle in I tell Jay and Annie about my favorite part of the only other Jesse Duplantis sermon I’ve heard, during which he talked about his “sinner friends.” Here’s an excerpt: “I believe you should have sinner friends. Jesus was a friend of sinners, but you should be stronger than the sin they are sinning.”

Sinner friends? This of course begs the question: for whom is he the sinner friend? I like to think that if Jesse and I were buddies I’d introduce him as “Jesse, my sinner friend.” I think I’m not unusual in saying that all my friends are sinner friends, because, other than my cat, they are all human.

It’s hard for me not to assume that these TV preachers, when they talk about how they “once were sinners” really mean that they were once immoral and now that they are Christians they don’t do the things Christians are not supposed to do and they do do the things that Christians are supposed to do.

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The teaser for today’s show indicates that he’s in the middle of a series entitled “Taking Ownership of What’s Ours.” And he starts at the Beginning. Literally. Jesse tells the creation story from his viewpoint, namely, that God existed and that the angels were created at the time God created the heavens, after which he created earth and sea and…oysters because “God knew a Cajun was gonna come and show people how to cook them. And he created trees with seeds already in them, so what came first the chicken or the egg?” Without the slightest hesitation or irony Jesse boldly proclaims, “The Chicken. Because without the chicken there is no egg.”

Laughter explodes in my living room. We can’t even breathe, except Jay, who manages to say “Could he now maybe unpack the whole ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ thing for us? That’d be awesome.”

Jesse’s trying to explain how jealous and angry the angels must have felt when God said, “Let us make man in our own image”:

The angels say “Man? What is that? You’re going to make a new life species to look like you?” [God says] “Not only to look like me but for me to dwell in like a habitation.” [The angels say,] “Why do you need them?” [God:] “Partnership.” [Angels:] “But you have us.” [God:] “I know, but I’m gonna give them something you don’t have.” Oh Lord, we’re getting into some deep stuff here.

The audience is really worked up. Jesse goes on to claim that the reason Adam didn’t take ownership of what was his is because he didn’t understand himself. “But when I finish today, you’re going to understand yourself.” So God gives this species more power than any other species: dominion over the earth. “That’s why Satan is jealous of you. You got something he didn’t get.”

“Wow, Satan’s really petty, huh?” Annie adds. “So the devil hates us because we, like, have toasters and cell phones?”

“No,” I respond, “that’s why the Taliban hates us.”

Jesse now refers back to the Genesis text: “Image and likeness of God…. whewww. What is man that thou visiteth him? I’m talking about taking ownership of what is ours. Because if you don’t believe in yourself, you can’t believe in anything. I learned that from Jesus. I always speak well of myself to myself.” So at this point Jesse goes off a little bit about how he talks to himself in the mirror thusly:

Do you know who you are? Do you know how much God loves you and will do anything for you if you ask in his name? Do you know just how good you are? Some think that is egotism. No. That’s ownership. Didn’t Jesus do that? He said, “I’m the way, I’m the truth, I’m the light.”

I can’t help but say “Um, but see, he was Jesus, and I’m thinking that’s kind of what separates you.”

Quoting a Stuart Smalley skit from Saturday Night Live, Annie says, “I’m good enough I’m smart enough “

Exactly.

Jesse continues, “I’m here to tell you who you are and what you own.”

Annie: “There’s a kernel of truth in this The Imago Dei is powerful.”

I agree. As Lutherans with our whole simultaneously sinner and saint thing, I have to admit we can focus a little too much on the sinner and a little too little on the saint. We are, all of us, indeed the beloved of God. This idea of being a saint, of being the beloved, is so obviously dangerous when not paired with the reality that we are also sinners, but maybe the converse is also true. Not to live into the reality that we are children of God, the truly beloved, is perhaps just as harmful as thinking we are not still sinners.

♦♦♦

Jesse: “You’re a totally different life species because he gave you ownership. Do you know anything [the angel] Gabriel owns? Have you read anywhere where [the angel] Michael owns something? They are in the army of the Lord, but God has given great things to man. We are the only species that he visits.”

Annie interjects that “God doesn’t visit Gabriel because they live together. He’s probably sick of those guys anyway.”

What, I wonder, are the great things God has given to man? Great things like the noble qualities one might have or the humanity that one might experience in God and in community, or are they great things like caramel corn and memory foam mattresses?

Jesse: “So man’s function is to rule over all kingdoms of life beneath him.”

Annie terms this, “The theology of manifest destiny.”

Winding up the message, Jesse answers a big question and makes a bigger uh oh. “Why does man have dominion? Because he is a ruler. He is a king of kings and a lord…well, he’s not the king of kings, Jesus is the king of kings but he’s the king we king over.” We all look at each other in disbelief. In the most profound Freudian slip while attempting to explain who we are and what we own, Jesse calls man the king of kings and lord of…oops. I think this is pretty telling. Trying to dig himself out from the “man is the king of kings” hole, he self-corrects by saying “Jesus is the king of kings,” and then says “he’s the king we king over.” In all fairness, I’m not sure what he was trying to say. I only know what he actually said and it really wraps up his message nicely. We are the king ofkings. God gave us all of the earth to rule over; it’s all ours. We are the Charlie to God’s chocolate factory; we just have to realize that we are Charlie and claim the candy.

The only problem is that ownership is not the same as caretaking. And this is an equally valid translation of that Genesis account. We are stewards, not owners. The earth and all that is in it belong not to us, but to God. We are charged with its care. And we’re doing a bang-up job I must say. I wonder how much longer this “we can do anything we want to with the planet because God handed us the deed” line of thinking can continue. The good news here is that conservatives and liberals both theologically and politically have begun to come together over mutual concern for the care of the planet; Green Christianity is a growing movement, as well it should be. The only problem, of course, is with people like myself who are more likely to make “green” choices when they grant us a higher status in the new eco-tocracy, or are at least stylish, but crossing the line into genuine self-sacrifice? No thanks.

The show wraps up with Jesse in a studio talking directly to the camera about how Jesus gave us rulership over everything on the planet. “Get ready for something good; we just have to receive it in Jesus name.”

What follows is an ad for Voice of the Covenant magazine, and a five-CD set, Taking Ownership of What Is Yours, for $59. Looking into the camera, Jesse is talking with the $59-CD set in his hands. “I’m telling you if you haven’t ordered this yet you are missing God, because it is a great revelation from the Lord Jesus Christ.” I’m thinking that would be a really effective thing to put on the back cover of the book. Forget endorsements from people who, unlike myself, are actual writers. We should just put in bold face, “If you haven’t bought this book you are MISSING GOD! Because it is a great revelation from the Lord Jesus Christ.” I’ll be talking to my editor about that.

This is funny, but it is also seriously sad and scary and creepy. Jesse’s story of the origin of earth and humans is not a biblical paraphrase of one of several creation accounts. This is an American, consumerist paraphrase that feeds directly into the darkest, shadow side of our culture — namely, salvation, identity, comfort, and security through stuff. This is the same as an infomercial that promises clear skin or tight abs or sharper knives, except it tugs on people’s heartstrings and vulnerability and puts the powerful language of God and faith on a consumable good.

But wait! The pitch isn’t over!

“I’m believing God for a million partners, so join this flagship of Jesse Duplantis ministries. We’ve got $1,000-a-month partners, we’ve got $10,000-a-month partners, and $10-a-month partners. Please call to be a part of this ministry. I promise you, we’ll get somebody saved, I mean it, we’ll get them healed too. This is Jesse saying [with a huge Cajun smile] I love you, bye bye.”

I give over part of my Social Security check and it saves someone’s soul?

♦♦♦

Ann: “Well, at least there’s lots of diversity in these crowds.”

Jay: “It’s honestly a lot more diverse than most Lutheran churches. I’ll give him that. And I’d love to have this guy over for a dinner party. He’s hysterical.”

Me: “You could be one of his sinner friends.”

Matthew comes back from the bakery, “These pastries are hot.”

Annie: “I’m going to take ownership over that scone right about now.”

THE ROUNDUP

Old Testament passages cited: Twenty-eight.

New Testament passages cited: One.

Cost of products offered: $59 for CDs; $10, $1,000, or $10,000 a month to save souls.

Running total after 1 hours: $179

Image of God: Willy Wonka-ish.

Mentions of Jesus: Two, using his name like a talisman and referring to the second person of the Trinity as a model of self-esteem.

Characterization of Satan: Insanely jealous that God gave human beings stuff and he got nothing to the point that, to this day Satan tries to pretend our stuff is really his. This is cosmic sibling rivalry at its worst.

Thought for the hour: What are mainline churches missing or not seeing that makes buying a CD from the likes of Jesse Duplantis more attractive than being in an actual community of faith?