Читать книгу Tails of Recovery - Nancy A. Schenck - Страница 15

CHAPTER ONE Recovery Is…

Living a life of recovery is redemption for many addicts. It is a haven when jail, other institutions, endless treatment centers, or death are patiently waiting at the end of the addict’s ultimate downward spiral into insanity and destruction. Few escape active addiction without damage or the need to face consequences that require reparation or restitution. We crawl into recovery beaten, scarred, and full of fear and self-loathing. By the time most of us are ready for recovery, it’s the only place left for us to go. Unfortunately, although one way or another we all reach the dead end addiction brings, there are too many who fight to stay in the ring with an opponent bent on bringing certain death.

There is no other disease like addiction. It slowly kills while whispering we are okay and that the drugs and alcohol we ingest are not really hurting us. It is a disease of denial and rationalization and knows no boundaries. Addiction destroys life; recovery gives us a road back to health and true living, but it is rarely easy.

In recovery, we learn about principles such as acceptance, unconditional love, honesty, open-mindedness, tolerance, commitment, compassion, and responsibility; hardly the things we practiced while seeking solace in the warmth of drug-induced stupors. Each twenty-four hours clean, we live and embrace every part of existence—divorce, childbirth, surgery, going to the market, cleaning our homes, nurturing our relationships, deaths of those we love, toothaches, and all the myriad combinations that make life colorful and full. Active addiction crushed us and everything else in its path like a boulder careening down a mountainside.

Before I got clean and started going to my twelve-step recovery fellowship, I was convinced I would die by a fatal overdose. I often fantasized about my funeral. Who would show up, what wonderful words would be spoken about me, how sad all my friends would be because I was no longer with them, and the freedom from misery my death would bring me. I would really get into the “drama” of it and most times ended up sobbing because I had died. Today when I look back at those times I shake my head, marveling at the explicitness and magnitude of all the details I created. It also is a vivid reminder of how desperately I wanted to escape the reality I lived in during my active addiction.

Now that I’m in recovery I don’t fantasize about dying or dread the thought of living. I wake up each day grateful for another twenty-four hours clean and look toward the unfolding day with anticipation. Granted, I don’t think or act like a “Polly Anna” every day, jumping around singing and smiling; however, I have learned to accept where I am today and not engage in self-destructive behavior. Being clean for twenty-six years and the many experiences I’ve had, in conjunction with the experience, strength, and hope shared by many others, I am acutely aware that there are no external solutions to internal problems. The more I can remain in conscious contact with the spiritual principles I’ve learned in my recovery fellowship, the better able I am to accept the full range of feelings I experience.

Recovery plants the seed of hope in all who choose to stay and grow. It is the sapling that struggles to touch the sun each day. Recovery has taught me how to be a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a friend, a lover and partner, a gentle pet parent, a sponsor, a sponsee, and an employee. It has taught me how to love me exactly as I am. Being in recovery is the most important thing in my life, because without it, I have nothing.

For me, recovery has been a personal journey of education and growth as I’ve learned to mend my spirit, which was ravaged by my addiction. While remaining abstinent from mind- or mood-altering drugs (including alcohol) is certainly a core component of recovery, it is not only about abstinence. Being in recovery is about becoming consciously aware of self-destructive and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and replacing those behaviors with healthy, growth-enhancing ways of relating to oneself, others, and to the world. As a result, recovery takes strength and courage to pursue and to maintain on a daily basis.

While recovery is simple, it is sometimes hard to understand because it is filled with paradoxes. I must surrender in order to win. I live “just for today” so I may enjoy tomorrow. I admit powerlessness to become empowered. I give so I may receive.

In thousands of meeting rooms of countless twelve-step programs, one can find a tiny microcosm of society. Sitting in chairs set up in circles or at conference tables are creative art directors, students, nurses, carpenters, CEOs, loan advisors, fast-food restaurant servers, musicians, ballet dancers, writers, unemployed real estate agents, millionaires, ex-convicts, customer service representatives, husbands, partners, wives, children, grandchildren, and pretty much anyone else you can think of. They all share the hope recovery brings. Just as no one is exempt from the enormous power of addiction, recovery can be an omnipotent answer to its devastation for nearly everyone.

For years, Derrick was the director of a successful treatment program. He was blessed with a beautiful job, a beautiful family, a beautiful wife, and a beautiful home. He had it all—including an addiction that told him he was a loser and a fraud and didn’t deserve anything beautiful. Filled with self-hatred and an appetite for destruction, Derrick clung to his addiction like it was a high-priced call girl who answered his every desire. After getting clean and into recovery, Derrick learned a valuable lesson about self-acceptance from his wise teacher, Sunny, a “passionate purveyor of positive regard and present-centeredness!” Here is the story in his own words.

SUNNY

Like so many recovering addicts, I’ve found my first eighteen months clean have been rather eventful. It has been a time filled with significant losses and unexpected gifts. Recovery has given me the opportunity to rediscover interests and activities that were an important part of my life until my active addiction hijacked my priorities and my world became smaller and smaller. Returning to pursuits such as writing and playing sports have been healing and joyful, though certain activities require continual self-reminders that I’m no longer twenty-five, thirty-five, or even forty.

Active addiction left considerable wreckage in its wake and I’ve faced some serious challenges. I’ve struggled to find work in my chosen field and my wife of more than twenty years and I divorced, a move that turned the worlds of our teenage daughters upside down and focused their anger squarely at me. My path of recovery is not just about learning how to live without drugs, but includes repairing the damage caused by my addiction. In the process, I hope to unearth my true self and fulfill the potential with which I’ve been graced.

My recovery involves working a twelve-step program built on a foundation of spiritual principles. These principles include being present-centered, or staying in the moment, and maintaining an unwavering attitude of affirmative regard for myself and others. The most compelling model I have of these spiritual principles is my dog, Sunny. Actually, Sunny (a five-year-old chow chow mix) is my youngest daughter’s. The dog lives with her and my ex-wife. You could say she’s my “ex-dog”; however, I still see her regularly.

Sunny is always happy to see me although my ex-wife is not always thrilled, and my daughter is often ambivalent. Nevertheless, Sunny is always excited when I’m around. She sprints to press against me and wags her tail at high velocity, yipping and yelping joyfully all the while. Sunny’s interactions with me were unfailingly uplifting, supportive, and validating. No therapist could have provided a more healing environment. She provided much, and asked for little. In other words, when I felt worthless and even contemptible, her never-ending love and affection told me I was okay in her eyes.

Prior to my active addiction, my life was marked by experiences of feeling inadequate and not good or worthy enough. Getting high changed my feelings, at least briefly, and helped me feel whole temporarily. This was a short cut that ultimately led to my dead end thirty-five years later when the consequences of my addiction reached a point where I knew I had to seek help and find a different way to live.

During most of my active addiction, I was a very responsible member of society with a loving family. In spite of the trappings of social acceptability and professional success over many years, the chronic “dis-ease” I felt vise-gripped me by the throat, threw me to the floor, and put me in a sleeper hold. It seemed the harder I struggled against the disease, the deeper I sank into the quicksand of discontent and false selfhood. Paradoxically, as my addiction progressed, I sought solace in the substances of my own destruction. At some point, using drugs for me became a vicious circle of cause and effect. I used drugs to dull the pain; yet using drugs created only more pain and drove me to use even more. The further I got from the truth of my addiction, the more distant I became from those I loved most dearly—my wife and children, who needed and deserved so much more than I gave them during that time.

HEALTH BENEFITS OF PETS

In recent years, science has uncovered that pets benefit us in more ways than just the love and companionship they offer; pets are also good for our health. Several studies have confirmed that companion animals help reduce psychological stress, anxiety, fear, and nervous disorders.

A 2001 study by the US National Institutes of Health found that people who have pets make fewer doctor visits and also are more likely to be alive one year after being treated for a coronary condition. Research continues to confirm significant health benefits pets provide, such as lowering blood pressure, reducing depression, and protection from heart disease.

Pet owners agree that their animals offer health benefits. According to a 2002 survey by the American Animal Hospital Association (AAHA), 92 percent of people who have pets are convinced their health is improved by having them around. Seventy-six percent feel their pets lower their stress levels. And, 31 percent believe their pets keep them more physically fit.

As in any equation, the less love and nurturing I put into my relationships with my family, the less they had to give me in return; only my needs were bottomless, and their detachment only verified what I already “knew”— that I was worthless. What I needed was unconditional love, but I know now that my addiction made it impossible for anyone to give that to me. (Even if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to receive it.) Sunny came to my rescue.

Her unconditional love is manifest. She is the incarnation of unconditional love and encouraging regard. In learning, growing, and healing in recovery, I hope to become as good a person as Sunny already thinks I am. Contact with her reminds me I am worthy of love and deserving of self-acceptance. As a result, one day at a time I am discovering the person I was intended to be and uncovering the true self that’s been waiting to greet me.

Sunny also is state-of-the-art in being present-centered, that is, staying in the moment—this moment—right here, right now. She is neither focused on what has already happened, nor what could potentially happen in the future. Sunny is simply here, now, looking forward to whatever this very moment may offer. There are many ways in which being present-centered, also known as mindfulness, promotes health, healing, and recovery. Staying in the moment provides sanctuary from the poisonous prison of the past, as well as from fatalistic fantasies of the future. For me, it bestows respite from past resentments, as well as freedom from fear of the unknown.

WHAT IS

MINDFULNESS

MEDITATION?

Mindfulness Meditation is a form of meditation that seeks to promote a heightened, keen awareness of one’s experience. The focus in mindfulness meditation is on the full range of one’s physical, emotional, and cognitive experience. Mindfulness also promotes a perspective of open, nonjudgmental acceptance, as opposed to automatic or habitual evaluative reactions. Although full awareness of experience is a goal, and calmness and serenity are not the goal of mindfulness meditation, calmness and serenity do often come about as by-products of practicing mindfulness meditation.

Mindfulness Meditation is thought to be helpful in reducing stress and may also be useful in the treatment of a variety of mental disorders. Research is beginning to focus on possible mechanisms through which this form of meditation may affect physical and psychological well-being, such as altering immune function.*

*From the US National Institutes of Health Office of Behavioral and Social Sciences Research

One of the things I’ve done consistently in my recovery is meditate and pray on a daily basis. Even during meditation and prayer, other thoughts sometime intrude on this most conscious and disciplined effort to stay in the moment. While I could become frustrated, angry, or self-critical, I try to accept it without judging either the thoughts or myself. When it happens, I’ve learned to simply become consciously aware that my mind has drifted away from the moment and use that awareness to refocus my attention on the here and now.

When I am fully mindful of this moment, I am genuinely emotionally and spiritually available. When I’m able and content to simply be here, now, my heart is accessible to the will of my higher power. When I am present-centered, I have the capacity to get out of my own way. As the living embodiment of present-centeredness, Sunny helps me stay in the moment and more connected to my spiritual center.

I still find myself struggling to stay in the moment. It is an ongoing challenge. I regularly give myself reminders to “be here, now.” One of the few things I know well is that the only way to get better at anything—sports, cooking, work, or using the tools of recovery—is to learn and practice the techniques that work for me. Fortunately, it’s about “progress not perfection.”* Although Sunny seems to have achieved perfect present-centeredness, for me, staying in the moment, much like recovery itself, is a journey, rather than a destination.

For this addict, there is a direct correlation between staying present-centered and maintaining an unwavering positive attitude for myself and others; the more mindful I am of this moment, the greater my capacity for constructive, helpful action for myself and others, and the better able I am to be present-centered.

My relationship with Sunny improves the quality of my character and enhances my humanity. When I am called upon to expand my conscious focus to include the pets in my life, I automatically become less self-centered, more aware of the presence and needs of others, and more present-centered. As I become more mindful of the many blessings in my life and learn how to maintain conscious contact with my gratitude for them, my spirituality deepens, my recovery gets stronger, and I take a few more steps toward grace.

* From Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 60. © 1939, 1955, 1976, 2001 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All rights reserved. The phrase from Alcoholics Anonymous is reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (“AAWS”) Permission to reprint this phrase does not mean that AAWS has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that AAWS necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only – use of this excerpt in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, or in any other non-A.A. context, does not imply otherwise.