Читать книгу Mr Right All Along - Natalie Anderson - Страница 27

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

THE TIDE HAD TURNED. Waves rushed higher. In another hour there’d only be a narrow strip of dry sand left at the base of the cliff. She needed to walk back around the rocks to the bay. She wasn’t going to risk free-climbing up the cliff now she had a baby on board.

She splashed in the water, her sandals wet. Her father’s man was waiting around the next bay, ready to drive her wherever she wanted to go. She just had to decide where that was going to be.

To Eduardo? Or to anonymity on an island a thousand miles away from this one?

She knew where he’d gone. Her father had told her. And even though it was for a good cause it had made her angrier. She’d have gone with him if he’d asked her to. If he’d told her. But he hadn’t asked. And she hadn’t said anything either. She hadn’t told him so much. Neither of them had.

That was when it finally hit her. Everything that was wrong with her father was also wrong with her. She’d been so uncommunicative it was unfair.

She could create a good life for herself here. She could be brave. She could tell Eduardo she’d fallen for him and ask him to be gentle when he wanted out of their marriage. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t love her. He desired her. He respected her. Couldn’t that be enough to make this a success?

Not if she kept acting like a sulky, spoilt child.

She’d spent her life trying to please her father, instead of letting it go and just being herself. Pleasing herself. Her life could have been so much richer if she hadn’t tried to control herself and remained so intensely focused on that one goal. She’d been without friends and lonely for so long because she hadn’t let people in. She could have joked with some of her fellow soldiers about the General being her dad. Instead she’d isolated herself by trying to prove herself for so long.

Eduardo was lonely and isolated too. Mired in that conflict between duty and desire. As Giulia had said, they had much in common.

So maybe they could be more than husband and wife. Maybe they could be a team. They could achieve a whole bunch of stuff together.

Finally she admitted the truth to herself—the hurt and anger she felt wasn’t about the baby. It had never been about the baby. Her fears had been for herself. She’d been in lust with him from the start, but once she’d got to know him she’d fallen hard, and it hurt to know he didn’t feel the same. But she had to grow up—she was stronger than this. She had to go back.

She turned, walking ankle-deep into the water again to walk around the bay. But she’d taken only a few paces when she saw him splashing towards her. His jeans were half soaked, his hair a tousled mess, but he looked magnificent. Fiery, full of energy, he almost crackled as he moved. He strode towards her, his arms lifting as if he was about to pull her hard against him. Only he checked himself, lowering his hands and shoving them into his pockets. He opened his mouth, but then blew out a deep breath rather than saying anything.

‘Did he tell you where I was?’ she asked.

‘No. He didn’t let you down.’ He looked at her sodden sandals and the wet half of her skirt. ‘You’ve been swimming?’

She shook her head. ‘The rip is too strong, I wouldn’t want to get carried away.’

He nodded, his eyes hollowed and burning. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Why are you here?’ Her heart stalled while she waited for his answer.

‘I’m sorry you have to ask that.’ He splashed closer. ‘I’m so sorry, Stella.’

Her heart pounded, pushing hope in small pulses around her body. ‘My father told me where you went this afternoon. Your private schedule. The hospital. He said you call in there all the time. That you know some of the kids really well.’ Her voice faded.

‘Don’t go thinking I’m any kind of hero,’ he said. ‘I only do it because it makes me feel good.’

‘Because you like them fawning over you? It’s some ego trip?’

He pressed his lips together again. She knew he wasn’t going to defend himself against the stupid suggestion. And that was so typical of him.

‘I know it’s not that,’ she said softly. ‘I think it’s because you like to see them smile.’

He liked to see lots of people smile. He was kind that way.

‘It’s nothing, Stella,’ he muttered.

‘It’s not nothing.’ She hated it that he belittled what he did. That he didn’t believe in himself. What he did mattered to so many.

For a second he looked so vulnerable it broke her heart all over again.

‘You mostly spend time with the young adults. The ones like Alessia,’ she added. ‘That can’t be easy for you.’

‘It’s—’

‘Don’t say it’s nothing again, or I’ll have to hurt you.’

A smile glimmered in his eyes, then it faded. ‘I can’t ever make it right.’

Was he always going to punish himself for that? ‘You were young, and it wasn’t a fair secret you’d been asked to keep.’

‘There’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have told my girlfriend.’

‘You should have been able to trust her. It’s good to be able to talk to the people you love. To share your burdens... She was in the wrong. Not you.’

And he’d been paying for that mistake ever since. That was why he did everything his brother asked of him. Why he didn’t push for more freedom. He didn’t think he deserved it. He felt he owed.

‘He is the loneliest person, and there is so little I can do to help him.’ Eduardo lifted his head and looked directly into her eyes. ‘Why did you leave? You want to leave San Felipe for good?’

‘Not San Felipe.’ She gazed up at him, her heart melting, and yet now the moment was here she was more scared than ever in her life before.

‘Me,’ he said heavily. ‘You don’t want the baby to end up like me.’

‘No...’ she whispered, shocked that he’d ever think that. ‘I thought I needed—’

‘You need—’ Eduardo interrupted, then pulled up short. For a second that old arrogance flashed over his face. But then it faded. ‘I don’t want to fight this any more, Stella. I surrender.’

She stared for a moment. ‘Surrender what?’ She suddenly lost the battle to contain her emotions. ‘Our marriage? What you want for the baby?’ Had he given up on her already?

‘No. Neither of those things. Or both of them, if that’s what you want.’ He stopped and shrugged. ‘The decision is yours, Stella. Our future is in your hands.’

‘What?’ The faintest whisper.

His hands gripped her cold ones. ‘I was so angry when I found out you were pregnant. Because you hadn’t told me. You hadn’t come to me. You were just going to walk away and not let me have any kind of say—’

‘I hadn’t even had a chance to think about what I was going to do,’ she interrupted.

‘I know that now, but back then I’d made my plan and I thought it was perfect. I thought I could control what was between us—lust. Controllable. Finite. It always has been before. And I thought I could control you. The palace officials wanted either Antonio or me to marry—but it was always going to be me. This way I got to present them with a fait accompli before they started parading prospective brides in front of me. My woman, with an heir already on the way and an end in sight when we’d had enough. I thought I’d risen above that anger and turned the situation to my advantage. The perfect solution.’

He squeezed her hands gently.

‘But I hadn’t thought through the impact of any of it on you. I hadn’t thought about your needs at all. I was so arrogant. What woman wouldn’t want to be my Princess, right? What an honour...what an amazing lifestyle... And a fat pay-off waiting for her at the end as long as she kept quiet and obedient. I thought I was doing you the biggest favour and that you should be grateful.’ He grimaced. ‘I was an asshole. I’m sorry.’

‘I did want to be your Princess,’ she said quietly. ‘I liked it.’

‘But it’s not what you wanted.’ He looked down. ‘I’m not what you wanted.’

‘I slept with you within ten seconds of meeting you,’ she reminded him with a wry smile. ‘How can you say you’re not what I wanted?’

His lips twisted, but it was a sad-edged smile. ‘Lust.’

‘Uncontrollable,’ she whispered bravely. ‘Infinite.’

‘Stella—’ He lifted one hand to cup her jaw.

‘It was a good plan.’ She overrode him, speaking quickly, because she needed to have her say before he said something that would stop her. She feared his pity more than anything. ‘In some ways it was the only possible plan.’

‘But you left.’

Again. Now she knew she’d hurt him. And if she had the power to hurt him that was because he cared. Hope, and a cautious confidence, began to flow.

‘You were right. Your title can give this baby so much—how could I deny it all those benefits? Those rights? And you were right in saying that I could give the child love...but I’d always lacked love. Or I thought I had. And that was the real problem. So the truth...?’ She swallowed. ‘This pregnancy was my excuse for running. All this time I was deluding myself that all that mattered was the baby...that I was putting the baby first... Really it was all about me. I left because I was a coward. I couldn’t bear to be with you—’

‘You are afraid of me?’ He actually lost colour.

‘I’m afraid of wanting what I didn’t think you could give me, nor wanted to give me.’ Her confidence slipped as she saw the storm clouds gathering in his eyes. ‘I heard you talking to Antonio. “What prince ever marries for love?”’

‘Stella—’

‘Let me speak—please let me speak,’ she interrupted him again, twisting her hands free of his and holding them up to stop him. ‘I’ve not spoken up the way I should and I have to now.’

She sighed as she saw him grit his teeth, and her eyes watered dangerously. She cleared her throat. She couldn’t let emotion get in the way—not now.

‘I thought I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to earn the love and approval of someone who’d become everything to me. Not all over again.’ She drew another tight-chested breath. ‘But then I realised that it doesn’t matter. Because when you love someone you do everything you can for them.’

As she spoke, her heart felt as if it was growing, about to burst, but with each word her voice weakened.

‘And one of the most important things is to talk to them.’ She tried to smile, but it was hard to speak honestly about something so personal. She’d never felt so vulnerable. ‘That’s where I’m not so good. In fact I’m as bad as my dad. All action, not enough words. Never the words.’

Silence fell and she looked up at him. Her pirate prince was utterly still now, but he was nothing like a stone statue. He was too vibrant, too vital, too hot. She could hardly bear to look at him, but she couldn’t turn away. She couldn’t give up on this. On him. On them.

‘What are the words, Stella?’ he prompted her, more gentle than she’d ever heard him.

Her throat and chest were so tight they ached, and while she ought to be deafened by the thundering pace of her heart beating, all she could hear was the strained silence that she couldn’t seem to breach. Finally, right on the edge, she’d lost the nerve to step off and make the leap.

‘How could I admit to Antonio what I could hardly admit to myself?’ Eduardo said softly, after another unbearable, seemingly endless second. ‘I thought it would burn itself out, but it only burns hotter. That crazy moment on this beach was merely the spark that lit a fire that’s fuelled by much more than lust.’

He paused, his frown deepening.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you needed to see Dr Russo?’ The blue of his eyes was almost black. ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were worried? He called me after I’d seen Antonio this morning. I was angry you hadn’t told me... I thought we’d gotten so close last night... But then to find out you’d held back something so important... That you wouldn’t turn to me...’

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She’d frozen at the hurt she saw in him.

‘I hate being excluded,’ he said rawly. ‘When the people I care about don’t tell me what they’re going through it makes me feel...feel like I can’t help them. Feel that they think what I have to offer isn’t enough...’

She had hurt him. And that was why he’d shut her out this morning. He’d been as hurt as she. Neither of them able to articulate their true fears. Both of them scared of trusting.

But there had to be that leap now.

‘It’s just that I was scared,’ she mumbled, desperate to explain. ‘Not of you,’ she clarified quickly. ‘I’m a soldier. I’m supposed to be brave. But I’m terrified about giving birth.’

‘Oh, sweetheart.’

‘And I was scared you only cared about the baby. Not really me. And I didn’t want to bother you.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I hate being so pathetic.’

He placed his hands on her waist, firmly anchoring her. ‘The last thing you are is pathetic. You don’t have to be alone and scared. You don’t have to be either of those things ever again.’

Her tears spilled from beneath the closed lashes. And despite that massive lump in her throat she could finally speak clearly. ‘I had this huge crush on you for so long, and then all this happened and I just wanted more. You were so much more than I’d ever imagined. So charming, so sexy...and then so funny and kind. So much more a prince than I’d thought... And then I didn’t want to be the bride you bedded, who had your baby and who you then walked away from. I wanted the whole fairy tale. And it wasn’t fair of me. It wasn’t realistic of me to expect everything from you—’

‘Why not?’ he interrupted. ‘I want more from you. I want everything from you.’

He enfolded her in warmth and strength. She melted into his arms, reaching up to kiss him. A kiss full of desperation and apology and desire. And so much love.

He broke away with a pained groan. ‘We need to tell your father you’re okay. He’s worried.’

‘Maybe we could invite him to have lunch soon?’

She was so happy, so full of future possibilities, she saw now that she needed to try again. Her father had offered to help. Maybe, with Eduardo’s support, she could open up to him too—maybe they could rebuild a relationship outside of regimental duty.

‘He’ll have to come in the helicopter. We’re going back to Secreto Real for the next few weeks.’ Eduardo brushed her hair back with gentle fingers.

‘We are?’

‘If that’s okay with you.’ He gazed into her eyes for a moment, then rested his forehead on hers as if he couldn’t bear to stand more than an inch away from her. ‘We need time, Stella,’ he said softly. ‘Fortunately we have for ever.’

She lifted her chin and met his kiss. Tender and true and so emotional. She clung to him .

‘I love you,’ he said.

Two fat tears trickled down her face. He kissed them away, but the lump in her throat grew. She knew she had to push past it.

‘No one...’ she whispered, but her voice gave out.

‘No one what?’

She could see him thinking.

His eyes widened and he asked in a strangled voice. ‘You’ve never heard that before?’

She couldn’t even shake her head, her throat was so tight, and for a split-second she wanted to look away from him, to hide safely behind her personal ramparts. But it was too late. And, as exposed as she was, she was glad it was him seeing her now.

‘Oh, Stella.’ His expression softened, but the embrace he enveloped her in was fierce. ‘Not even your father?’ He ran his hands up her back. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’

He kissed her, held her. She leaned as close as she could. She never wanted to leave his arms.

He scooped her up and with keen determination quickly looked about. After three strides he turned and sank onto the sand at the very base of the cliff. His arms loosened enough for her to wriggle and wrap her legs around his waist. Embracing him. She kissed him back, pouring herself into the passion, wanting to give him everything she could. She’d missed him, needed him. She couldn’t get close enough.

‘I was worried I’d lost you,’ he groaned breathlessly, between kisses that grew both frantic and yet more tender. ‘That I was never going to have you...not really have you. Not like this.’

She took the lead, impatient and yet aching to savour the preciousness of this moment. She grappled with the zipper of his jeans. He shifted beneath her, helping. Helping again by sliding his hand under her skirt, up her thighs, pulling her panties aside enough to access her secret heat. But then she hesitated, looking deeply into his eyes, drawing courage from what she saw in them. Her heart soared. Lust was a mere fraction of all she was feeling.

‘I love you,’ she whispered.

There was another flawless moment of silent, straining emotion before he breathed—a broken sigh of pleasure, an aching heart filled to bursting.

‘Another first?’ he whispered back, gazing into her eyes as she nodded. ‘The most precious,’ he muttered gruffly.

Her eyes remained locked with his as she sank down, taking him hard and deep within. Her core moulded around his, strengthening, securing. They both sighed at the searing sweetness. Fully clothed, yet bared to the soul, Stella had never felt as close to anyone as she did to him then.

‘I just want to love you,’ he breathed, combing his fingers through her hair and cradling the nape of her neck. ‘Just want to stay close like this.’

She knew he meant more than physically—that he felt this emotional connection as profoundly as she.

‘Don’t ever shut me out.’ His eyes gleamed with that contrary mix of arrogance and vulnerability that she now understood and adored in him.

‘Never.’ Another tear escaped, but her soul eased. ‘I’m here for you—you’re here for me.’

It really was that simple. That true. That perfect. She had never thought she could ever feel this happy. This loved.

He smiled that gorgeous, dimple-studded smile that was simultaneously wicked and challenging and irresistible and heart-stopping.

‘Always.’