Читать книгу Purple Springs - Nellie Letitia McClung - Страница 6

Table of Contents

At daybreak, when the light from the eastern sky came in blue at the window blind, and the gasoline lamp grew sickly and pale, the doctor went to bed. He had thought it all out and outlined his course of action.

He did not doubt the old doctor’s word; his own knowledge gave corroborative evidence that it was quite true, and he wondered he had not thought of it. Still, there was something left for him to do. He would play up and play the game, even if it were a losing fight. His own house had fallen, but it would be his part now to see that the minimum amount of pain would come to Pearl over it. She was young, and had all the world before her—she would forget. He had a curious shrinking from having her know that he had the disease, for like most doctors, he loathed the thought of disease, and had often quoted to his patients in urging them to obey the laws of physiological righteousness, the words of Elbert Hubbard that “The time would come when people would feel more disgrace at being found in a hospital than in a jail, for jails were for those who broke men’s laws, but those in the hospital had broken the laws of God!”

He shuddered now when he thought of it, it all seemed so unnecessary—so wantonly cruel—so so inexplicable.

Above all, Pearl must not know, for instinctively he felt that if she knew he was a sick man, she would marry him straight away—she would be so sweet about it all, and so hopeful and sure he would get well, and such a wonderfully skilful and tender nurse, that he would surely get well. For one blissful but weak moment, which while it thrilled it frightened him still more—he allowed himself to think it would be best to tell her. Just for one weak moment the thought came—to be banished forever from his mind. No! No! No! disaster had come to him, but Pearl would not be made to suffer, she would not be involved in any way.

But just what attitude to take, perplexed him. Those big, soft brown eyes of hers would see through any lie he tried to invent, and he was but a poor liar anyway. What could he tell Pearl? He would temporize—he would stall for time. She was too young—she had seen so little of the world—it would be hard to wait—he believed he could take that line with her—he would try it.

When he awakened, the sun was shining in the room, with a real spring warmth that just for a minute filled him with gladness and a sense of well-being. Then he remembered, and a groan burst from his lips.

The telephone rang:

Reaching out, he seized it and answered.

“It’s me,” said a voice, “It’s Pearl! I am coming in—I know you’re tired after yesterday, and you need a long sleep—so don’t disturb yourself—I’ll be in about two o’clock—just when the sun is brightest—didn’t I tell you it would be finer still today?”

“You surely did, Pearl,” he answered, “however you knew.”

“I’m not coming just to see you—ma wants a new strainer, and Bugsey needs boots, and Mary has to have another hank of yarn to finish the sweater she’s knitting—these are all very urgent, and I’ll get them attended to first, and then....”

She paused:

“Then you’ll come and see me, Pearl”—he finished, “and we’ll have the meeting which we adjourned three years ago—to meet yesterday.”

“That’s it,” she said, “and goodbye until then.”

He looked at his watch, it was just ten—there was yet time.

Reaching for the telephone, he called long distance, Brandon. “Give me Orchard’s greenhouses,” he said.

After a pause he got the wire:

“Send me a dozen and a half—no, nineteen—American Beauty roses on today’s train, without fail. This is Dr. Clay of Millford talking.”

He put back the telephone, and lay back with a whimsical smile, twisting his mouth. “The frosted ones are mine,” he said to himself, “there will be no blight or spot or blemish on Pearl’s roses.”

It was quite like Pearl to walk into the doctors’ office without embarrassment. It was also like her to come at the exact hour she had stated in her telephone message—and to the man who sat waiting for her, with a heart of lead, she seemed to bring the whole sunshine of Spring with her.

Ordinarily, Dr. Clay did not notice what women wore, they all looked about the same to him—but he noticed that Pearl’s gray coat and furs just needed the touch of crimson which her tam o’shanter and gloves supplied, and which seemed to carry out the color in her glowing cheeks. She looked like a red apple in her wholesomeness.

He had tried to get the grittiness of the sleepless night out of his eyes, and had shaved and dressed himself with the greatest care, telling himself it did not matter—but the good habit was deeply fastened on him and could not be set aside.

There was nothing about the well-dressed young man, with his carefully brushed hair and splendid color, to suggest disease. Pearl’s eyes approved of each detail, from the way his hair waved and parted back; the dull gold and purple tie, which seemed to bring out the bronze tones in his hair and the steely gray of his eyes; the well-cut business suit of rough brown tweed, with glints of green and bronze, down to the dark brown, well-polished boots.

Pearl was always proud of him; it glowed in her eyes again today, and again he felt it, warming his heart and giving him the sense of well-being which Pearl’s presence always brought. All at once he felt rested and full of energy.

When the first greetings were over, and Pearl had seated herself, at his invitation, in the big chair, he said, laughing:

“ ’Tis a fine day, Miss Watson.”

“It is that!” said Pearl, with her richest brogue, which he had often told her he hoped she would never lose.

“And you are eighteen years old now,” he said, in the same tone.

“Eighteen, going on nineteen,” she corrected gaily.

“All right, eighteen—going on—nineteen. Three years ago there was a little bargain made between us—without witnesses, that we would defer all that was in our minds for three years—we’d give the matter a three years’ hoist—and then take it up just where we left it!”

She nodded, without speaking.

“Now I have thought about it a lot,” he went on, “indeed I do not think a day has gone by without my thinking of it, and incidentally, I have thought of myself and my belongings. I wish to draw your attention to them—I am twenty-nine years old—I’ve got a ten years’ start of you, and I will always expect to be treated with respect on account of my years—that’s clearly understood, is it?”

He was struggling to get himself in hand.

“Clearly understood,” she repeated, with her eyes on him in unmistakable adoration.

“Six years ago,” he seemed to begin all over gain—“I came out of college, with all sorts of fine theories, just bubbling over with enthusiasm, much the same as you are now, fresh from Normal, but somehow they have mostly flattened out, and now I find myself settling down to the prosy life of a country doctor, who feeds his own horses and blackens his own boots, and discusses politics with the retired farmers who gather in the hardware store. I catch myself at it quite often. Old Bob Johnson and I are quite decided there will be a war with Germany before many years. We don’t stop at Canadian affairs—the world is not too wide for us! Yes, Pearl, here I am, a country doctor, with an office in need of paint—a very good medical library—in need of reading—a very common-place, second-rate doctor—who will never be a great success, who will just continue to grub along. With you, Pearl, it is different. You have ambition, brains—and something about you that will carry you far—I always knew it—and am so glad that at the Normal they recognized your ability.”

A puzzled look dimmed the brightness of her eyes just for a moment, and the doctor stumbled on.

“I am all right, as far as I go—but there’s not enough of me—I’m not big enough for you, Pearl.”

Pearl’s eyes danced again, as she looked him up and down, and he laughed in spite of himself.

“For goodness sake, girl,” he cried, “don’t look at me, you make me forget what I was saying—I can’t think, when you train those eyes of yours on me.”

Pearl obediently turned her head away, but he could still see the dimple in her cheeks.

“I have had a long fight with myself, Pearl,” and now that he was back to the truth, his voice had its old mellowness that swept her heart with tenderness—“a long fight—and it is not over yet. I’m selfish enough to want you—that is about 99.9% of me is selfish, the other infinitesimal part cries out for me to play the man—and do the square thing—I am making a bad job of this, but maybe you understand.”

He came over and turned her head around until she faced him.

“I have begun at the wrong end of this, dear, I talk as if you had said—you cared—I have no right to think you do. I should remember you are only a child—and haven’t thought about—things like this!”

“O, haven’t I, though,” she cried eagerly. “I’ve been thinking—all the time—I’ve never stopped thinking—I’ve had the loveliest time thinking.”

The doctor went on in a measured tone, as one who must say the words he hates to utter. All the color had gone from his voice, all the flexibility. It was as hard as steel now, and as colorless as a dusty road.

“Pearl, I am going to say what I should say, not what I want to say.... Supposing I did induce you to marry me now. Suppose I could ... in ten years from now, when you are a woman grown, you might hate me for taking advantage of your youth, your inexperience, your childish fancy for me—I am not prepared to take that risk—it would be a criminal thing to run any chances of spoiling a life like yours.”

Her eyes looked straight into his, and there was a little muttered cry in them that smote his heart with pity. He had seen it in the faces of little children, his patients, who, though hurt, would not cry.

“And I am selfish enough to hope that in a few years, when you are old enough to choose, you will think of what I am doing now, and know the sacrifice I am making, and come to me of your own free will—no, I did not intend to say that—I do not mean what I said—the world is yours, Pearl, to choose as you will—I have no claim on you! You start fair.”

Pearl’s cheeks had lost a little of their rosy glow, and her face had taken on a cream whiteness. She stood up and looked at him, with widely opened eyes. A girl of smaller soul might have misunderstood him, and attributed to him some other motive. Though Pearl did not agree with him, she believed every word he had said.

“Supposing,” she said eagerly, “that I do not want to start fair—and don’t want to be free to choose—supposing I have made my choice—supposing I understand you better than you do yourself, and tell you now that you are not a second-hand doctor—that you are a sun and a shield to this little town and country, just as you have been to me—you bring health and courage by your presence—the people love and trust you—suppose I remind you that you are not only a doctor, but the one that settles their quarrels and puts terror into the evil-doer. Who was it that put the fear into Bill Plunkett when he blackened his wife’s eyes, and who was it that brought in the two children from the Settlement, that were abused by their step-father, and took the old ruffian’s guns away from him and marched him in too! That’s a job for a second-rate doctor, isn’t it? I hear the people talking about you, and I have to turn my back for fear they hear my eyes shouting out, ‘That’s my man you’re praising’ and here he is, telling me he is a second-rate doctor! Is that what you were when the fever was so bad, and all the Clarkes had it at once, and you nursed six of them through it? Mrs. Clarke says the only undressing you did was to loosen your shoe-laces!

“Don’t you see—I know you better than you do yourself. You don’t see how big your work is. Is it a small thing to live six years in a place and have every one depending on you, praising you—loving you—and being able to advise them and lead the young fellows anyway you like—making men of them, instead of street loafers—and their mothers so thankful they can hardly speak of it.

“You evidently don’t know what we think of you, any of us—and here I am—I don’t know when it began with me—the first day I saw you—I think, when I was twelve—I’ve been worshipping you and treasuring up every word you ever said to me. I don’t know whether it is love or not, it’s something very sweet. It has made me ambitious to look my best, do my best and be my best. I want to make you proud of me—I will make you proud of me—see if I don’t—I want to be with you, to help you, look after you—grow up with you—I don’t know whether it is love or not—it—is something! There is nothing too hard for me to do, if it is for you—everything—any thing would be sweet to me—if you were with me. Is that love?”

She was standing before him, holding his hand in both of hers, and her eyes had the light in them, the tender, glowing light that seemed to flame blue at the edges, like the coal fire he had watched the night before.

Impulsively he drew her to him, and for a moment buried his face in her warm, white neck, kissing the curling strands of her brown hair.

“O Pearl,” he cried, drawing away from her, “O Pearl—you’re a hard girl to give up—you make me forget all my good resolutions. I don’t want to do what I ought to do. I just want you.”

There was a smothered cry in his voice that smote on Pearl’s heart with a sudden fear. Mothers know the different notes in their children’s cries—and in Pearl, the maternal instinct was strong.

She suddenly understood. He was suffering, there was a bar between them—for some reason, he could not marry her!

She grew years older, it seemed, in a moment, and the thought that came into her brain, clamoring to be heard, exultantly, insistently knocking for admission, was this—her mother’s pessimistic way of looking at life was right—there were things too good to be true—she had been too sure of her happiness. The thought, like cold steel, lay against her heart and dulled its beating. But the pain in his eyes must be comforted. She stood up, and gravely took the hand he held out to her.

“Doctor,” she said steadily, “you are right, quite right, about this—a girl of eighteen does not know her own mind—it is too serious a matter—life is too long—I—I think I love you—I mean I thought I did—I know I like to be with you—and—all that—but I’m too young to be sure—and I’ll get over this all right. You’re right in all you say—and it’s a good thing you are so wise about this—we might have made a bad mistake—that would have brought us unhappiness. But it has been sweet all the time, and I’m not sorry—we’ll just say no more about it now and don’t let it worry you—I can stand anything—if you’re not worried.”

He looked at her in amazement—and not being as quick as she, her words deceived him, and there was not a quiver on her lips, as she said:

“I’ll go now, doctor, and we’ll just forget what we were saying—they were foolish words. I’m thinking of going North to teach—one of the inspectors wrote me about a school there. I just got his letter today, and he asked me to wire him—I’ll be back at the holidays.”

She put the red tam on her brown hair, tucking up the loose strands, in front of the glass, as she spoke. Manlike, he did not see that her hands trembled, and her face had gone white. He sat looking at her in deep admiration.

“What a woman you are, Pearl,” broke from his lips.

She could not trust herself to shake hands, or even look at him. Her one hope was to get away before her mask of unconcern broke into a thousand pieces by the pounding of her heart, which urged her to throw her arms around him and beg him to tell her what was really wrong—oh, why wouldn’t he tell her!

“You’ll think of this dear,” he said, “in a few years when you are, I hope, happily married to the man of your choice, and you will have a kindly thought for me, and know I was not a bad sort—you’ll remember every word of this Pearl, and you will understand that what is strange to you now—and you will perhaps think of me—and if not with pleasure, it will at least be without pain.”

He wanted to give her the roses, which had come just a few moments before she came in, but somehow he could not frame a casual word of greeting. He would send them to her.

She was going now.

“Pearl, dearest Pearl,” he cried “I cannot let you go like this—and yet—it’s best for both of us.”

“Sure it is,” she said, smiling tightly, to keep her lips from quivering. “I’m feeling fine over it all.” The pain in his voice made her play up to her part.

“I can’t even kiss you, dear,” he said. “I don’t want you to have one bitter memory of this. I want you to know I was square—and loved you too well to take the kiss, which in after life might sting your face when you thought that I took advantage of your youth. A young girl’s first kiss is too sacred a thing.”

Suddenly Pearl’s resolution broke down. It was the drawn look in his face, and its strange pallor.

She reached up and kissed his cheek.

“A little dab of a kiss like that won’t leave a sting on any one’s face,” she said.

She was gone!