Читать книгу Loving Leah - Nikki Benjamin - Страница 11

John stood in front of the refrigerator with the door wide-open, the light from its interior the only light in the kitchen at one-thirty in the morning. Methodically he opened first one plastic container, then another as he tried to decide which of the various leftovers from the meals Leah had prepared appealed most to him. There’d been meat loaf Monday night, the spaghetti he’d already sampled Tuesday night, and tonight…ah, yes, this must be it—chicken in some kind of a cream sauce that included chunks of onion, carrot and mushrooms.

Too good to eat cold from the container, he decided, switching on the light over the stove. With a minimum of clatter, he found a plate to put in the microwave oven, transferred a hefty portion of the chicken and vegetables onto it, then stood by the counter and waited for it to heat.

Embarrassing, really, to steal around his own kitchen in the dead of night eating leftovers when he could have sat down at the table earlier with Leah and Gracie like any sensible person. But he’d set the pattern Monday night, and he wasn’t sure how to break it without seeming obvious. Though obvious about what, he didn’t know.

He’d had a perfect right to join Leah and Gracie for dinner each of the preceding evenings. Not that anyone had kept him away except himself. After the time he’d spent with them that morning, he’d wanted to come home much sooner than he actually had.

He’d gotten sidetracked at the university lab, though, coping with first one unanticipated problem and then another as the afternoon wore on. He’d retreated to his office at last, when everything seemed to be under control, only to have his attention diverted again as he’d made an attempt to clear away part of the mountain of paperwork that had accumulated over the past several months.

It had been almost eight by the time he’d noticed the deepening shadows in the corners of his office and glanced at the clock on his desk to check the time. He could have left then, but all the mowing and raking he’d done earlier in the day finally seemed to have caught up with him. Suddenly he’d felt too tired to do more than stretch out on the old sofa he’d installed for just such an occasion. Just for a few minutes, he’d assured himself, only to awaken several hours later, rested and ready to eat.

The scent of Leah’s chicken and vegetables wafted from the microwave oven, making John’s mouth water and his stomach growl. He opened the door before the timer could beep, grabbed the plate and almost dropped it when the hot china burned his fingers. Muttering a curse, he jostled the plate from hand to hand until he could set in on the table, then he dug a knife and fork from the silverware drawer and grabbed an icy cold beer from the refrigerator.

He really had to try to get on a more reasonable schedule, he admonished himself, twisting the cap off the bottle. He’d be lucky to get back to sleep by three, and then, if their pattern continued, Leah and Gracie would be up at six, waking him, as well.

With a groan, half in pleasure at the wonderful taste of the chicken and half in anticipation of yet another bleary-eyed morning to come, John reached for his beer, tipped it back and took a long swallow, then another. A flicker of movement at the doorway to the den caught his eye, startling him.

He jerked with surprise, and the second swallow of beer went down his throat the wrong way. Eyes watering, he started to cough. Several moments passed before he managed to get his breath back. Then, as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, he realized he was no longer alone in the kitchen.

Leah stood in the doorway, a look of concern in her sleepy eyes. Her shiny brown hair was tousled in an enticingly touchable way, and she wore only an oversize black T-shirt with a silver lightning bolt across the front. The garment barely came to midthigh, accentuating her long, slender legs. To John, it looked sexier than any silk-and-satin nightgown might have.

First short denim shorts and a red tank top without benefit of a bra, then a black T-shirt that should have at least covered her knees. She was making him hot for her, hungry for her, in ways he couldn’t afford to be. And she was doing it innocently, without any overt provocation, because she wouldn’t know, couldn’t know from his behavior toward her so far how swiftly her place in his heart was being restored.

Eight years ago John hadn’t realized that with only the slightest shift in his awareness of Leah, his feelings for her would have quickly exceeded the normal bounds of friendship. He was older than she by several years, so he had assumed the role of her protector early on in their relationship and had taken her quiet, steady, faithful companionship not only at face value, but also for granted.

Then, just as he’d begun to realize Leah was no longer a girl, but a vibrant young woman on the verge of adulthood, Caro had come into their lives, so bright and so beautiful. He’d been dazzled by her, too dazzled to see the recklessness and irresponsibility in her nature, and the constant need to be amused, as well as amusing, that were also a part of her personality.

Even though Leah had been only eighteen, she’d actually been the one who embodied all the things he’d really needed. But imperceptive as he’d been at the time, not to mention ruled more by hormones than common sense, he’d wanted only Caro, and much to his later dismay, Caro had been the one he’d gotten.

“Hey, are you okay?” Leah asked, her soft voice filled with concern.

Instead of scurrying away as he’d thought she would, she joined him in the kitchen, obviously unaware or uncaring that she was intruding on his privacy. Considering her behavior the past few days, John would have bet on the latter. She’d toughened up quite a bit over the past eight years, his little Leah. Only, she wasn’t little anymore, and she certainly wasn’t his.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said, allowing a gruff note into his voice, hoping to chase her back to bed.

“I made the mistake of falling asleep on the sofa earlier,” she replied. “By the time I got into bed, I wasn’t really that tired anymore, so I was half-awake already when I heard you come in.”

She sauntered past him, leaving a hint of lavender scent behind to tease him, opened the refrigerator door, then bent over gracefully to retrieve a beer for herself.

John sat frozen in place, his gaze riveted to the display of lacy panties her pose revealed. Only when she straightened again was he able to look away and quickly take several more slugs of his beer. By the time she’d pulled out a chair and joined him at the table, he had as much of his attention as possible focused on his plate of food.

“There’s some rice to go with the chicken if you want it,” she said. “I can get it for you. It’s in another container.”

“No, thanks. This is fine,” he hastened to assure her, not trusting what he might be tempted to do if he had to watch her bend over in front of the refrigerator again.

He ate another mouthful of chicken while she sipped her beer, then shot a glance her way and saw that she was watching him, not only openly, but intently. Though she was fully awake now, she still looked ready to be dragged back to bed. Feeling the heat rise in his cheeks, he looked down at his plate again.

He had never once thought of taking Leah to bed in the past. Well, he had a few times in the months just before he’d lost what wits he had over Caro. But he’d never let Leah know it, either by word or deed. And that had been years ago.

Even if he could justify initiating a sexual relationship after such a long time, he wasn’t foolish enough to think she’d agree to it. For one thing, her life was in Chicago, and for another, there surely had to be someone special with whom she shared that life—though John couldn’t imagine any man allowing Leah to go off to Montana for an entire summer without pitching a fit.

“Are you sure?” she asked, interrupting his train of thought.

“About what?” he shot back, afraid he’d missed something important she might have said.

“The chicken.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s fine, just like I said. More than fine. It’s really very, very good. Why?”

“You had a funny look on your face, that’s all,” she replied.

“It had nothing to do with the chicken or anything else important,” he assured her, desperate to ward off any further questions concerning his current state of mind. “You’re really quite an excellent cook, Leah.”

“I like to experiment in the kitchen.” She gave an offhand shrug, then added, “It would have tasted even better if you’d joined us for dinner, though. That particular dish is always best hot out of the oven. You do know you’re welcome to join us, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course. It is my house.” Again he used an unnecessarily gruff tone of voice, but again, Leah didn’t appear even the slightest bit fazed by it.

“Thanks for all your help with the yard work today, too. It meant a lot to Gracie having you here, and to me,” she acknowledged lightly, adding the last almost as an afterthought. “I don’t mind weeding beds and planting flowers, but I truly hate pushing a lawn mower.”

“But you would have done it, wouldn’t you.”

“If I’d had to, yes. Anything to keep from being way-laid by another of your neighbors.” She smiled slightly, then added, “You know, John, they’ve been concerned about you. I mean you, personally, not just the condition of your yard.”

“I can’t imagine why. I’m fine.”

He picked up his empty plate and stood, anxious to avoid any further discussion of what he considered his personal business. He wasn’t about to open that door to Leah. Revelations might spill out that wouldn’t do either of them any good.

“You bury yourself in your work at the university, you spend hardly any time at all with a daughter who loves you and needs you, you treat me like an enemy when we were once the best of friends…” She stopped to take a breath.

“Not tonight, Leah. Don’t start on me tonight,” he said, more tired than angry as he set his plate in the sink, then braced his hands on the counter, his back to her.

He felt the warm, gentle, tentative and totally unexpected touch of her hand on his shoulder at the same instant her voice sounded right behind him. “John, please don’t keep pushing me away. I can only imagine the pain you’ve suffered since Caro’s death. I’ve grieved for her, too, and I always will. But surely you know that she wouldn’t have wanted you to stop living yourself just because she’s gone. Caro wasn’t like that. Caro would have expected you to put the pieces of your life back together again, not only for your sake, but for Gracie’s. Caro would have wanted—”

Unable to contain himself any longer, John spun around and grabbed Leah by her upper arms. His intent had been to give her a good shake just to shut her up, but as he towered over her, he made the mistake of meeting her gaze. The vulnerability in her wide, green eyes cut through him like a knife, slicing away the protective layer of anger and frustration inside him and laying bare a longing so deep and so complete it sent a tremor through his body.

His grip on her arms loosened, and his hands slid up to her shoulders. He began to pull her closer, and she came willingly at his urging, resting her hands on his chest. Then the realization of what he was about to do hit him like a wave of icy water, dousing completely the newly kindled flame of his desire.

“You have no idea what Caro wanted, Leah, no idea at all,” he growled, the sudden sense of overwhelming weariness that gripped him echoing in his voice. “And any pain I’ve suffered since her death I’ve deserved. Not that it’s your business one way or another. As for Gracie, I admit I haven’t been available for her the way I should have over the past few months. But I’m more than able, not to mention more than willing, to take care of her on my own now.”

“Then maybe I should leave,” Leah said softly. “Especially if you’re staying away from the house because I’m here.”

For one long moment John couldn’t quite believe he’d heard her right. Instead of snapping back at him angrily or prodding him patiently for an explanation as he’d fully expected she would, she had calmly, quietly, given in to what he wanted. Only it wasn’t what he wanted, not really.

He had Gracie’s well-being to take into consideration, too. Having Leah in their home had been so obviously good for the little girl. That alone was enough to negate any annoyance, large or small, Leah caused him personally.

Yeah, sure, she was annoying the hell out of him, John thought, still looking into her eyes, still savoring the warmth of her hands resting delicately on his chest. Next thing he knew, he’d be telling himself he didn’t want to pull her into an embrace and kiss her senseless—

Letting go of Leah as suddenly as he’d grabbed her, John brushed past her and strode purposefully across the kitchen toward the doorway to the front hall.

“There’s no need for you to leave unless you want to,” he said. “Gracie likes having you here, and as long as she’s happy with the arrangement, then so am I.”

“My sentiments exactly,” Leah replied, the barest hint of anger in her tone.

It was almost as if she knew instinctively that he wanted her there with them, as well, and considered him a coward for not saying so. Or maybe he was just projecting his own thoughts regarding his faintheartedness onto her.

“Then we’re in agreement that you’ll stay for the summer?” He paused in the doorway and glanced back at her, aware that he was holding his breath as he waited for her to answer him.

“Only if you start spending more time with Gracie. You do have teaching assistants to help with your project at the university lab, and you are entitled to some vacation time.”

“I am planning on being more available,” he said.

“Then, yes, we’re in agreement. I’ll stay for the summer.”

“Fine,” he muttered, and with a curt nod that totally belied the sense of relief zinging through him, John turned away again. He walked slowly through the dark house to the staircase, then up to his bedroom, stopping first to check on Gracie.

Snuggled cozily under her quilt, the little girl was sound asleep. Standing just inside her bedroom doorway, he gazed at her with the same sense of wonder and joy that she’d stirred in him the day she’d been born. How happy he’d been then to welcome this child into his life, and how happy he would always be to have her as his precious daughter. Despite the bitter, angry words Caro had hurled at him the night she died, that would never change.

His marriage might have been a lie, his family not really, truly his in the way he’d believed it to be, but he loved Gracie no less. She was the light of his life.

Gracie was also the one who’d brought Leah back into his life. And the one who would keep her there at least a little while longer, and for that, John was more grateful than he could say.