Читать книгу Nikki Gemmell’s Threesome: The Bride Stripped Bare, With the Body, I Take You - Nikki Gemmell - Страница 87

rules for choosing

As autumn encroaches upon the light, sometimes there’s just sleep with Gabriel, nothing else, several hours of it; skin to skin and his lovely warmth. And as you lie there you think of the next step, perhaps: groups of men, anonymous sex, women.

You think, where does this stop?

You can’t imagine how you’ll end these afternoons but some day you must. You fear, already, they’re slipping into something else, you can feel a binding being spun over you both. On the first day of November Gabriel washes your hair in the bath and then you his, and afterwards you hold him so tenderly, so quiet, and you wonder at all that has happened over the past few months, a summer so different from the last. You’ve made love like you’ve never loved before, you never felt capable of such giving, or such a response. During the sex with Gabriel you’ve grown younger, you’ve utterly let go, you’ve showed another person, for the first time in your life, your true self. A woman who astounds you and scares you. A woman demanding, selfish, sparky, in control. He’s made you feel accomplished as a lover, he’s given you confidence.

So, it has come to this, and neither of you will speak out about what comes next. On the tube hurtling home you think of those sounds breaking from you that you’ve never uttered before, and the arch of your back, and your fist clutching the sheet. But then you’re home, promptly, by six, you’re never late. And every night there’s Cole pressed into you—his arm, or the cheek of his bottom, or the length of his torso – every night there’s his exhausted, trusting weight. You prize your husband still, so much: you don’t want all that he represents gone from your life. You lie awake trying to find a way for your needs and your wants to coexist peacefully; you don’t see, yet, how they can.

Yes, you did begin, with Cole’s gift of freedom, you did find a way to fill up your days. You’re living with the light and the guilt of that.

It’s a see-saw of delight, and doubt.