Читать книгу Insane! A daring comedy for 1 person. Monopies - Николай Лакутин - Страница 2

Silence. Darkness. Dishes break with a clang and a crash.

Male voice (outraged cry). Lera, calm down! What makes you think I have someone?

Lera (loudly, violently). What makes me think that?

Again the fight of dishes.

Male voice (outraged cry). You fool! Now you're going to smash everything, what are you going to eat and drink from later?

Lera (loudly, furiously). Found something to take care of!

Again the fight of dishes.

Male voice (indignant cry of an attempt to dodge). Hey!

Again the fight of dishes.

Male voice (outraged cry). And if he hadn't dodged? Do you even think what you're doing? You invent all sorts of nonsense in your head, then you believe in it yourself and you snap at others. That's why all the men are running away from you. You're crazy! Specifically, it's crazy!

Lera (loudly, violently). Oh, so!

Again the clash of dishes, the ringing blows of slaps are heard. Sonorous spitting.

Lera (loudly, furiously). Here you are, parasite, here you are! Don't let me see you here anymore! (Interrupts herself.) No need to explain to me what kind of girl she is, at two o'clock in the morning she sends SMS after SMS, are you holding me for a fool? For God's sake! I've already packed your things, GET OUT!

Stomping, sounds of fighting, falling shelves, hangers. A loud slam of the door.

The light turns on smoothly.

A pretty battered Lera enters with a personalized mug in her hand (her hand is shaking – nerves), sipping seagulls.

Lera (surprised at herself). Heh…, there is still gunpowder in the flasks… Vitek is not a timid fellow, but she could still put him out the door. (Proudly addresses the viewer). Have you heard what pretty slaps were slapped! (Looks down at the floor, sniffs). To me.

He rubs his cheeks with his hand, pulls his lips, opens his mouth, pulls his jaw.

Lera (calmly). But nothing, he beats, so he loves. (Winks at the viewer, slightly flirts with someone from the audience, makes eyes). And how not to love me? (To the viewer, demonstrating himself). Here, take a look. Here, here, here… Everything is with me, everything is in place, everything is as it should be. So? No? Well, how not to love, tell me? In any case, he loves. Only here, what the hell are the young ladies writing to him there at night, that's interesting. I'm sorry we make noise at night. An apartment building is such a thing, you know. No personal life. Everything is heard and in front of the neighbors. You've been through enough, haven't you?

He looks sympathetically into the hall.

Lera (excusing herself to the viewer). Do you think I haven't suffered enough? Well, tell me, how to live with the current man? It's not life, it's a continuous torment! That means he will come at the wrong time, then, even worse, on time, even though he promised to stay late. He's messing with my brains as he wants! I just tune in to one thing – he slips me another. He gives me forget-me-nots, or these stinky lilies. Yesterday I brought roses! And maybe I didn't want roses yesterday, I just wanted smelly lilies yesterday! Well, you don't know, so ask! What is the problem? Which one of us is a man? Who should pamper and please whom?

He gives me romance when I want passion and vice versa, he rushes ahead when I want foreplay. Like on a volcano, girls, by God, are not life, but solid obstacles, potholes, potholes and inconsistencies. Hence the nerves, wrinkles, hair falling out (touches the hair), aching nails (looks not too pretty at his nails) and a disgusting mood.

He finishes his drink, looks with dislike at the empty mug.

Lera (nervously, on edge). He also gave me a personalized mug, you bastard! He knows that I can't stand my name!

He throws the mug aside with all his might, the mug flies away, the sound of broken glass is heard.

Lera (thoughtfully). Hmm… by the way, that was the last one. Now there's really nothing to drink from. It will be necessary to buy something.

Lera (sweetly, modestly, shyly, affably, to the viewer). Let's get acquainted, Lera!

Lera, accompanied by music, makes a beautiful demonstrative turn around herself, bows delicately, greeting everyone.

Lera (hello, warmly, to the viewer). So what? Shall we start getting acquainted? You already know my name now. And yes, as happens with many, I don't like my name. Is there anyone else in the audience who doesn't like their name? Raise your hands, interesting. Well, don't be shy, all your own.

Looks, counts (if there are decoy viewers, you can participate here).

Lera (warmly, to the viewer). Frankly speaking, not liking your name is kind of not very good. You have to love yourself, absolutely. To love completely and completely, completely and in all places. For if you will not love yourself, then it is foolish to expect love for yourself from the environment. This is practically an axiom that has been convincingly reinforced by the life experience of previous generations… That's how it is.

But!

The whole problem is this! No one is confused by the fact that we have barely been born, we already have to love ourselves. And here again. Why should they? To whom do you owe? And in general – there's not much to love either! Nothing has been achieved, nothing has been achieved. Absolutely nothing has been done, except, maybe, a couple of shoddy diapers – vests. So what? And for what to love? Just like that? Here I was born – love her!

I think this is wrong. That's the one who thinks like that, as a result, often becomes a narcissist. I agree that you need to love yourself, but I don't think that you need to love yourself just like that without any reason. Do something for which you will respect yourself, appreciate what you will be proud of, for which you will love yourself. Something that is truly worthy of respect. Then love yourself to your health. And so, you know, if you lie on the couch all your life, naturally grow a new-fangled sirloin, get into your head the idea of how beautiful, irresistible and the best I am, and admire myself day by day… So-so variant. No, it's better than having low self-esteem and feeling like nobody even with all your life's victories. But it's not good enough either.

By the way! I recently read about a self-esteem training course. I don't know, to tell – no? Is anyone interested in this at all?

Looks at the reaction of the viewer.

Lera (warmly, to the viewer). Let me tell you, and you will try it on yourself there. Who will need it – you will use it, who will not need it – share it with those who will need it, you will do a good deed. So, there are several ways.

1. Take a large piece of paper and write down all your achievements. Right from childhood. It is possible from the very kindergarten. She played the main role in a children's play, told a poem best of all, won the Olympics, ran a hundred meters best of all, drew the best drawing or sang the best of all, collected the most valentines in class or on the course… Etc. We record everything.

2. On the second piece of paper we write all the people who have ever been grateful to you for something. Even a passerby grandmother who was prompted with the right address, or a friend who borrowed money …, everyone who managed to remember – all on this list. To whom I helped with advice, to whom with moving, to whom I decided the control, and so on.

3. On the third sheet of paper we write all those qualities for which you are loved and appreciated by others. Everyone knows their strengths perfectly well. Decency, who has it, punctuality. Maybe a charming sophisticated alluring voice or big siiiiiiiii....(raises his hands to the chest area) open his eyes. Everything that you are loved and appreciated for, we write here.

4. We take out all the available certificates, commendations, diplomas, medals, if any. Love letters with confessions will also fit here. We take everything out and hang it on the wall so that everything that has been achieved so far can be seen.

And now, having seen and appreciated everything that you are not in words, not in snatches of memory, but in fact in history and in fact, you can already objectively make up a picture of your Self.

His real self. The True Self. Having seen all that abundance of thanks, results, achievements, having mentally run along your path up to today, up to the present moment, you need to boldly approach the mirror and smile to yourself. That's the whole secret.

Playing with an eyebrow, sums up what has been said and spreads his hands to the musical accompaniment.

Lera (warmly, enthusiastically to the viewer). But back to me. You have probably already understood in general terms the peculiarities of my character. I am hot-tempered, flighty, short-sighted, sometimes selfish and yes, changeable in moods. In a word – not an angel. But I'm not trying to be an angel. Explain why? By the way, are there any angels here among us? If there is – tell me, how do you live in the world of people? I think it's just unbearable. Here, a person among people sometimes wants to strangle himself, and even more so, an angel will not have to wait for anything good. That's why I don't want to be an angel. In devils (playfully) – yes, sometimes it happens, but without fanaticism.

And so we are all people, we are all people. Why should you pretend to be a saint?

And, yes, a few words, directly about the name. Lera. Valeria, it appears. Means: strong, strong, healthy. It seems to be all good. But the name Valeria comes from the male name Valery! And why the hell do I need a man's base in my name, pray tell? What? Didn't you find any other female names?

The whole point is that we don't choose our names, our parents give them to us. And for some reason, parents do not even think about the fact that the name they gave their child, it does not have to like this very child at all. Accept it as a fact and live with it, son or daughter.

Yes, I do not argue, now the name can be changed. You go to the passport office, write an application, and voila! But this is only after you get a passport, that is, from the age of 14. And even then, with the consent of the parents. My mother didn't give me consent then. And later, when I was 18, I could without any consent there… Then one thing, then another… Somehow I didn't get ready. I am still suffering, I carry this load in me. I still haven't accepted it, but I haven't changed anything either. Vitek is probably right. She is a fool.

Do you know what I wanted to call myself? What name did you want to put in your passport, say? (Looks inquiringly into the hall). I won't tell you! (He shows his tongue.) I'd better go buy new dishes, and at the same time I'll look for a new man for myself!

Leaves under musical accompaniment.

ZTM.