Читать книгу Believe You Me! - Nina Wilcox Putnam - Страница 7

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Well, on the way home I cried some more. And well I might. For when I got there had Jim phoned? He had not! Nobody but Goldringer, the manager, and Roscoe, the publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts like that, and some of the newspapers. Ma had stalled them off pretty good by saying it was impossible to disturb me.

And it seems these people hadn't been able to locate Jim anywheres, either. At first that sounded sort of funny to me; but when I come to think it over I realized about his nose, where the alligator had bit him and the doctor had put on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn't naturally care to be seen—only no one could say that it would prevent him using the phone, which I also realized.

Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, and so on, which Ma had fixed for me, and cried some, which made me feel better again, I started out for drill; which means that now comes the real important part of what happened and the true measure of the tale, as the poet says.

Well, it seems we rookies—and I must pause to mention that I don't like that word rookies; it sounds like something that would get the hook amateur nights. Well, as I was saying, we rookies was told to report at three o'clock for a private drill, all of our very own. But I was on to the fact that the regular members in good standing would be there ahead of us to do well what we was about to do badly. So I thought I would go early and sit out in front, or whatever was the same thing, and try and get a line on how it was done.

Believe you me, there ain't many steps I can't get by seeing them done once; and if I was to of gone up to the Palace and watch Castle, or Rock and White, or any one of them, when I come away I could do the steps they pulled as good as if I had invented them!

Well, this was my idea in going up and seeing the ladies drill. So there I was at the park bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, with the ladies all in uniform. But I wasn't in any too much time, for I'd no sooner got there than a big roughneck of a feller—a regular U. S. drill sergeant, I found out after—come up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rude as any stage director I ever seen! But the ladies didn't seem to mind a bit. They didn't fall into nothing though; they just hustled into line and stood there.

"Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all stood like a chorus when the stage manager is telling them he is going to quit the show if they don't learn no better, and they're a bunch of fatheads, and he's going to get them fired. In other words, they stood perfectly still.

Well, after that it was something grand, what those ladies did. I will say that when I come down to the park that afternoon I thought maybe I'd see some pretty fair chorus work; you know—formations, and etc. But this was no chorus work, it was soldiering. I never seen anything neater in my life. Was it snappy? It was! And when I thought how that bunch of ladies knew all about autos from soup to nuts, and about bandages, and etc., believe you me—that drill was the finishing touch.

For once in my life, I was anxious to be in the chorus, even in the back line. But not forever—not much! Believe you me, I made up my mind that, once I was really in it, I was going to work for a speaking part like I never worked before. And meantime I started in that direction by trying to figure out just what the ladies did when the stage manager—I mean, officer—hollered at them. And—believe you me—I had the turn-on-the-heel and push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and-left face stuff long before the regular members in good standing was dismissed and we lady rookies was called.

Well, the same roughneck which had drilled the others had us simps wished on to him; and the first thing he done was to get us in a row—you couldn't properly call it a line—and then stand out in front and look at us sort of hopeless and discouraged, like a good director which has just finished with a bunch of old-timers and is starting with green material for the back row. Then he commenced talking.

Well, while this bird was getting off a line of talk about us now being soldiers of the U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, and etc., and etc., but no instructions in it, I let my mind wander just a little, on account of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than any he mentioned and him quite incapable of strengthening them.

And while my mind wandered this little bit, and I was thinking how funny it felt to be back in the chorus—do you get me?—I happened to take a look at the houses facing the park. And—believe you me—I got a jolt, for there we was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's house!

Well, I was that astonished to realize it you could of knocked me over with a sudden noise! Up to then I had been so interested in the other ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even noticed it.

And then, before I could really commence to think what a awful thing it would be if Ruby was to look out of the window and see me standing there, and think I was just in some chorus, and maybe that nasty Von Hoffman with her, and the both of them laughing their fool heads off, the officer says "Ten-shun!" he says. And, of course, I tenshuned, because of me being anxious to get everything he said when it come to instruction, and get it right.

Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing at a time after he had got us in line, with the tallest at the right hand, which was me. And he told us very simple and then made us do it; and no camouflage, because—believe you me—he could spot any lady which done it wrong quick as a flash.

I will say he didn't have a whole lot of trouble with me, partly on account of me having had similar work before, and also my feet taking to new things so easy. But it took me about ten minutes to see that my patent Oxfords, with the Looie heels, was never going to do for this work. Though I hate to say it, the other ladies sure did bother him a lot. They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. And he had a lot of trouble making them keep at attention.

Every time we'd be that way, just to show what I mean, the lady next to me would forget and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new sight to me! I seen worse in my day until they get used to it. But did that officer get mad? He did!

"Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A pink tea? Cut that stuff now! Attention is attention and youse is standing at it," he says. "The worst crime youse can commit is move without permission."

And—believe you me—I sympathized with him, I did, little knowing what I was about to do next my ownself.

Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much harder than following out a impulse! For the officer had no sooner uttered them words, and I agreed with him, than I went back on him something terrible.

It was this way: As I explained, we was drilling in the park, and not alone in the park but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, of course, we was drilling on a open piece of grass, but at one side of this here grass was fancy bushes; you know—hedges and what not. And me, being on the end of the line, was nearest them bushes.

Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen something move under one of them bushes; and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that pro-German alligator which had bit Jim on the nose and started all my troubles. There he was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond collar and all, and by his lone self, with nobody to protect him!

Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or ask nothing of nobody. All I knew for the time was that that damn alligator had somehow got out on his own, and that this was the chance of a lifetime. So, without more ado, I fell right out of attention and rushed over and reached into the bushes and grabbed the alligator by the tail.

Well, the officer hollered something at me, I don't know what, and all the ladies commenced screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? I was! But I held him up by the tail, and it didn't take me two minutes to find out that he couldn't bite me that way; and then my scare was gone.

I felt so good about getting him I didn't even care much what was being said at me by the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding tight to the alligator's tail and grinning all over myself. But up come Miss Lieutenant, who had been watching our drill—the one which had signed me up—and she was as mad as a hornet, only having a awful time trying not to laugh.

"What's this?" she says, indignant.

Fortunately the alligator was in my left hand; so I saluted.

"Enemy alien alligator!" I says.

"Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. "And report to Sergeant Warner at Headquarters at five o'clock."

Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she wouldn't listen to no explanations at all, and there was nothing for me to do except walk off to where the limousine was waiting. And, in a way, I was glad, because suppose Ruby had of looked out and saw the alligator in my hand! I couldn't of got away with him.

As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. And—believe you me—I didn't dare set him down for a minute for fear of his trying to get even with me; and so I was obliged to hold him at arm's length until we got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't very far.

Well, when we got home you ought to of seen the elevator boys get out of the way! I walked in holding on to the alligator; and once I got to the flat there was Ma sitting in the Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room, reading a cook-book. When she seen what I had I must say that for once she acted kind of surprised.

Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not after her having twice seen sudden death in the center ring, and the circus went on just the same. But alligators coming in unexpected is rather out of the usual. So Ma marked her place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses so's she could see good, and give me the kind of stare she used to hand out when I got dirt on my Sunday-school dress.

"Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the land's sakes, where did you get that?"

"Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, on account of my arm being nearly broke. "Can you cook it for supper?" I says.

"Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is it? A mock turtle?"

"It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And if you'll just kindly help me instead of standing there staring at it, we'll intern it some place so's I can leave my arm get a rest."

Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding something to put him in, owing to us not being able to agree about what kind of a place he belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, claiming it was his native element; and Musette, who come in, thought the canary cage was better. But, realizing he couldn't jump very high, I had them get a big hat-box, and set him in that.

"And now what are you going to do with him?" says Ma as we all stood 'round looking at him; and my two fool dogs barking their heads off on account of a mistaken idea they had that he was a new pet. "What are you going to do with him?" says Ma.

"Unless you cook him, I don't know," I says—"except for one thing: I'm going to take that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute and sell it and give the money to the American Red Cross; and I'm going to do it now!"

Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! And no wonder! Just look at all the trouble he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting action against him. First off, I persuaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold a ice pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he couldn't open his face. Then I managed, after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled sinful collar off his neck. And was it a swell collar? It was!

As soon as I had it off we just left that alligator interned in the hat-box and looked the collar over good. It was made all of a piece and the jewels were certainly wonderful. I know quite a lot about them, me and Ma always having invested that way when we had a little extra cash.

Well, as we was looking the stones over carefully, I happened to rub one which was close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right off something happened: That there collar parted—yes, sir; parted!—the lining from the outside, and in the place between the setting and the inside frame was a couple of thin slips of paper!

Well—believe you me—it didn't take me long to get the idea; not after having a father and a mother which had been in the circus and had to think quick, and me having been associated with dramatic stuff all my life—do you get me? You do!

What with that collar having come off a alligator which I was already convinced was a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman had give it to Ruby Roselle, and got her to sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out of the national colors, which should never be done, I seen everything clear. Von Hoffman had a German job of some kind!

And when I unfolded those papers and seen they was full of funny little marks like a stenographer makes and then can't read, I realized that I had happened in on it; and so will any intelligent public.

Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? They was! But I didn't wait to answer none of them; for I realized, also, that it was almost five o'clock, and I was supposed to report at Headquarters for a bawling-out at that time. And, after me having broken the rules once, I had no wish to do it again so soon.

Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the papers, and a clean pair of gloves, as the alligator had completely ruined what I had, and, having on my hat, waited not to explain, but made a dash for the street. And by a big piece of luck there was the limousine, still standing outside on account of I having forgot to tell John to go. Well, I told him "Headquarters!" and off we started; and I got there just on the dot of five o'clock.

Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss Sergeant—the one I was reporting to—and that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, and several other ladies, still in their uniforms. And while I was explaining, in comes the captain, which she certainly is a smart woman. And they all listened while I reported and told the whole story about Ruby and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the alligator. Then I saluted and handed over said collar and papers in evidence; and then the captain spoke up:

"This material, which is undoubtedly in a foreign code, will be of interest to the Secret Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is probably one of those persons who are active in the obviously deliberate effort to cheapen and degrade the quality of our patriotism," she says; "for I have heard that is part of the German propaganda here."

"Private La Tour, in view of the unusual circumstances, you are excused for your action in leaving ranks without permission," she says; "but next time remember to get your salute recognized," she says—"even under extreme conditions."

Then she went on, and she says:

"I understand you have given your car," she says. "Some member in uniform will take this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's car," she says, "which we now accept for the service."

Then she walked into her office, which said Private on it, and closed the door; and I watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, with the collar and the papers, in my limousine.

And after she had went I got a terrible scare, for it come over me all of a sudden that I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car fare home!

Well, just as I was standing there wondering how I was going to hoof it after the trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes up to me, real kind, like she could almost see what I was thinking of; and she says:

"May I take you home in my car, Miss La Tour?" she says. "I have seen you dance so often that I feel as though I knew you. I am Mrs. Pieter van Norden."

Just get that, will you, will you? Her that I had been modeling myself on for refinement for years! And—would you believe it?—on the way home she told me she had been trying to dance like me since the first time she seen me!

Well—believe you me—I felt so good over this, and over having got the goods on Von Hoffman, and about being excused for making that bad break at drill, and not getting fired out of the Automobile Service, that I only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me again after Mrs. Van Norden had left me at the door of my place, and I was going up in the elevator.

As I was letting myself in with my key I got so low in my mind again that I felt I would just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he hadn't, for I'd given up hope. Well, I opened the door and went in. And then I got another shock; for right in the middle of the drawing-room stood Jim.

Well, first off, I didn't know him on account of him being in khaki; but when he turned around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't actually die. What I done is nobody's business but mine and Jim's. But I will say it was a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and they show powder on the shoulder something terrible.

And he had been studying for months; and that's where he was every afternoon, and not out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for fear he wouldn't get it!

And I'm going to dance alone at night until he comes back, and all day drive a truck or something to release a man. And that's the whole inside story of the split, which is now readily seen is not a fight at all, at least not yet for we got married at once.

So, only one thing more: Regarding that alligator, Ma decided he would be too hard to cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, and by the time he got through there he learned to understand American—believe you me!