Читать книгу Everyday Courage - Niobe Way - Страница 32

Malcolm lives with his mother, a secretary at a beauty salon, and his younger sister in a part of the city plagued by “a lot of violence” in the streets. He doesn’t belong to a gang but the scars on his face and back (he shows them to Mike) provide evidence of his involvement in street fights where he “backed up” friends who were being attacked. He claims, however, that he has been involved in only two fights and that he generally avoids them altogether. Malcolm has a knife at home for protection, but says that he does not typically carry it on him unless he should “do something stupid like go outside, you know, way late at night in some area I don’t know. You know?” He keeps the knife because he is worried someone will break into his house. He seems more threatened by an intruder at home than in the streets.

Malcolm has no memory of his father, who left the family when he was two years old. His mother’s ex-boyfriend lived with them for a few years when Malcolm was younger but moved out several years ago. Malcolm says his family has moved a lot—they have lived in Florida, California, and in the Northeast—and by moving they have frequently left extended family behind. Unlike many of the other boys in the study, Malcolm claims that his extended family members have played only a minor role in his life.

Mike begins the interview by asking Malcolm about his family relationships:

Tell me about your relationship with your mother.

We get along pretty cool most of the time when we do see each other. She gets home about eight most of the time. And then I’m still probably not in the house. So then when I get in the house, I’m like, “Hi, how you doing? Good night.” And just make sure I’ve done my [house] work. If I ain’t done my work, then I might get fussed at. That’s it.

Malcolm’s relationship with his mother appears to be relatively uncomplicated and not particularly intimate. At home, Malcolm says, he is responsible for taking care of his cat, dog, and bird, cleaning his room, and, generally, keeping the house in order. His mother will ask him about his schoolwork, but she doesn’t check it: “She only waits for the report card.” Malcolm says he does not tell his mother much about his personal life. He prefers to talk to a friend, or “figure things out” by himself. There have been no men in his life whom he has considered a father figure. Malcolm explains that since his mother has provided him and his sister with “everything we have needed,” his mother has served as both father and mother in his family:

Was there ever a male that you looked to as a father figure?

Myself mostly. I never really—I just looked at my mother as strong, you know, ’cause she kept me and my sister and she raised us both. It wasn’t really my mother’s boyfriend paying a lot of attention to us. He did help out money-wise. But she was there when we needed her, so she’s mostly if anything the father figure.

While describing why he sees his mother as a father figure, Malcolm repeats a theme that is heard among many of the teens in the study who did not have fathers in their lives. Mothers were typically considered “strong” people who were “there” for their children and were often deemed both mother and father figures because they provided emotional and financial support. Although the teens did express anger, at times, at their fathers’ neglect, they rarely spoke explicitly of yearning for a male father figure and seemed generally content with their mothers’ abilities to fulfill both roles.

Malcolm believes that his mother listens to him and that they talk to each other “as equals.”

She’ll respect what I—what I ask or something.

How do you think you’ve grown into that position where you’ve earned that kind of respect from her?

Just by being able to listen and not really getting into trouble. Stay in school. Do my work. You know, I also have a few jobs. Like when she was in the hospital, I was working. And that was when I was paying the rent.

Malcolm suggests that his mother not only takes care of him but that he takes care of her and his sister as well. During the period in which his mother was in the hospital to have a benign tumor removed, Malcolm worked at a convenience store during the week and at a gas station on the weekends. I was immediately struck, while listening to this interview of a freshman, by Malcolm’s sense of commitment to his family. While his appearance fits the stereotype of an adolescent, his actions clearly do not. Malcolm is sensitive to the needs of others and willing to assume adult responsibilities.

Malcolm identifies his relationship with his mother as most important for him at this point in his life: “’Cause like with her, all these years we’d be at each other’s back. Just like that, so that’s the most important one.” As will become evident, Malcolm’s relationship with his mother is not only mutually supportive and most important for Malcolm, it is also the only relationship about which he feels good. Malcolm and his sister get along “okay” but they argue often because she takes his tapes and clothes from his room without asking him. This, Malcolm says, is the main problem in their relationship. Over the three years Malcolm is interviewed, his sister will play an increasingly important role in his life.

When asked about close or best friends, Malcolm mentions close friends from his childhood who no longer live in his city. Currently, he has no close friends who live nearby:

So you really don’t have a closest friend here at school?

Oh no, nobody. Not even around my way. It’s like everybody else is just associating, you know. No. …

Why do you think you don’t have closer friends?

Nah, it’s just like things like friendships take time. Just like a relationship. You can’t really, you know, rush into that. You have to just take it slow and be able to know for true who’s your friend, who’s not.

Malcolm begins to suggest what will emerge as a common theme in each of his interviews. He is wary of close relationships with his peers and worries about “rushing” into relationships before he knows he can trust the person. By referring to his peers as “associates,” Malcolm is distinguishing between casual friends and those “people that [you] really get into deep depth conversation.”² Malcolm says he “hangs out” with his “associates” but does not share personal thoughts and feelings with them. In each of his interviews, Malcolm claims to have only “associates” but no close or best friends. It is not until his junior year, however, that he begins to clearly articulate why he does not have close or best friends.

In this freshman-year interview, Malcolm mentions that he has had a few girlfriends “here and there” but has never been involved in a long-term relationship. At this point in his life, Malcolm says, he has no interest in staying with “only one girl.” “I just wanna expand mostly, you know? When I see something I like, I try for it, you know.” During this section of the interview, Malcolm and Mike bond as they laugh together about Malcolm’s reluctance to make a commitment to one girl.

What’s your thinking behind that? That you would prefer not to get involved in a relationship but be available to get involved with whatever [sic] comes along?

It’s mostly just testing, testing to see how good you are, really. ’Cause like you know sometimes you might not really like the girl. You might not even want to talk to her. But sometimes something about her that you want to talk to her for. … You know, that’s where me and my boy Paul differ like. ’Cause he got one girl and he’s been with her for a while now—well a few months. But like, see I be thinking to myself—I even told him sometime, “That’s crazy. I can’t do that, man.” I mean just for one girl. I get tired of her.

While describing the subtleties of affection and desire, Malcolm speaks about his unwillingness to enter into a steady relationship with a girl. Although “his boy Paul”³ maintains such a relationship, Malcolm has no interest. Malcolm’s response, unlike his earlier responses, sounds stereotypically adolescent and male.

When asked if he thinks his opinions about girls will change in the future, Malcolm says:

So I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to quit or if I’m, you know, just going to keep going the way I am [seeing many girls at one time].

Do you mind if it just continues to stay this way?

Well, I do mind in a way because I’d rather have a girl that’s trustful, that’s faithful, and trustful and I want to be the same way to her. And have a kid so he can look up to me like that. But then when I be thinking about having a little son. I want him to be able to do the same [as me], but I don’t want him seeing me do that to his mother, though, you know?

Malcolm describes a complex relational dilemma. He understands that he has separate desires, and in order for one set of desires to be fulfilled he may have to sacrifice the other. Although there is a “youthful” quality to Malcolm’s perspective, there is also a certain sophistication: the answer to Mike’s question is not simply “yes” or “no.” Malcolm engages with Mike’s question, tosses it around, weighs the pros and cons of following different paths of action and ends on an unresolved note. Malcolm seems reflective, forthcoming, and honest during this freshman-year interview.

When asked about his feelings about sex, Malcolm moves into what sounds like a “cool” voice:

What is sex for you?

Well, I don’t really know how to put it but like … it makes you feel more relaxed so after a while you can’t really—I can’t really say that I put all my feelings into it. But like when I do it, it’s like it’s mostly like an accomplishment. Where like, I, in my mind, I be like, “Yeah, I got that.” You know I won’t go around telling. But sometimes like, if a dude asks you, you know, I be like, “Yeah, I been with her,” and stuff like that. You know certain girls—I mean certain dudes’ll look up to you like if you got a real fine girl. And you know for yourself that’d be an accomplishment because you want it. But see they’ll look up to you, be like, “Yeah, he must be good because he got her.”

Similar to his relationships with his “associates,” Malcolm says he doesn’t “put all [his] feelings” into his sexual relations. Even when he admits to getting emotionally involved in sex, his focus immediately shifts to speaking about sex as an achievement. He perceives “getting certain girls” as a route toward gaining both self-respect and respect from his peers, although the respect from his peers does not seem to enhance or lead to close male friendships. He wants his peers’ approval even though he keeps his distance from them.

Malcolm claims that he uses condoms most of the time because he is afraid of getting AIDS but does not use condoms with girls who he “knows are faithful.” With those particular girls, however, he worries about getting them pregnant. Yet, if that happened, he says he would let the girl choose whether to have an abortion:

It sounds like pregnancy’s not that much of an issue because you wouldn’t mind really being a father.

Yeah, it’s not like I’m trying to get one ’cause, you know, if that happens, you know. I’m there.

So it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for you?

So, I wouldn’t really—so, what I’m saying, I wouldn’t mess around with somebody, you know, and try and mess up and make that mistake with somebody I don’t even really care about, or don’t really like.

Malcolm’s ambivalence about having a child is palpable as he states in one moment that while he is not trying to have a child, he would “be there” if he were to become a father; and in another moment, that although it would be a “mistake” to have a child, he would not want to make such a “mistake” with someone for whom he did not care. Given such uncertainty, Malcolm seems more likely to become a father at a younger age than his male peers in the study who, like the Hispanic boy in the poster, were unambivalent about not wanting to have children. Malcolm will, in fact, become a father by his junior year.

When asked about high-risk behavior such as drug and alcohol use, Malcolm says that he currently smokes marijuana and occasionally drinks alcohol because, like sex, it relaxes him. He would never try drugs such as cocaine or crack because he has seen the “statistics” and knows how dangerous those drugs can be. He has, nonetheless, sold drugs a few times in the past and admits to having stolen coats, pants, hats, and gloves and then selling them to make money. He has recently stopped these illegal dealings because he grew too worried about getting caught and because he found a job. What seems particularly noteworthy about Malcolm’s confessions is that despite his past and current involvement in risky behavior, he is also an adolescent boy who takes care of his family and works two jobs when necessary.

Among his current role models, Malcolm mentions rap artists such as Public Enemy because they “get positive messages across.” Unlike many of the role models of the teens interviewed, Malcolm’s role models are not his immediate or extended family members, but rather people whom he admires because they put “knowledge into words that flow.” He thinks that rap is an important way to get messages across that “tell the truth about how things really are”: “Even though some people use profanity, they’re still telling the truth. Some adults, black, white, whatever it may be, they don’t even understand that. They just think they’re kicking out profanity. That’s all they pick up.” Malcolm strongly believes that rap music can offer people much more than most adults are willing or able to grasp. He hopes to be able to become a rap artist in the future to convey his own messages in a powerful medium. He wants to speak out about the realities of his world. Malcolm’s passion and intent to express himself in the world and to make a difference through his music is manifest throughout his freshman-year interview.

In school, Malcolm feels “somewhat” satisfied with his grades, which are mostly B’s and C’s. He emphasizes to Mike that he firmly believes that his grades are important and admits that he hopes to get better grades next year:

I used to think to myself, like, “This quarter, I can mess up.” But now I’m thinking, you know, mostly it’s just better to do good all quarters and try to like, you know, it’s really a thing trying to impress. You know what I’m saying? So they know who you are. They recognize you better.

Who’s they?

Like upper people that be looking down at the schools or children. Like, “Yeah, have him work for me.” When you go out and try to get a summer job, you be able to show them that you can back up your word.

Malcolm’s wish for recognition by the “upper people” is evident in each of his interviews and, in fact, is met in his junior year when his teachers place him on the honor roll. His belief in the importance of good grades and his search for recognition eventually appear to pay off.

When Mike asks Malcolm about his plans after high school, he says: “Well, I’m trying to get this rap thing started. But I’m just gonna go to school as long as I can. Just keep thinking positive—try to get as much info as I can—expand my vocabulary.” Malcolm repeatedly discusses his desire to “think positively” and to learn new words to effectively convey positive messages. “I feel as long as I expand my vocabulary, I’m able to get a positive message across.” Developing his ability to express himself is a critical component of how Malcolm sees himself gaining power or making a difference in the world.

When asked what he fears most about the future, Malcolm says his mother’s death as well as the consequences of his own death for his mother:

Do you fear your own death?

Not really. … I just be thinking how, I want to leave them. And then I be thinking, you know, if—if I ever die before my mother, you know, that hurt her a lot. That’s why I try to just not really think about that.

In keeping with his positive outlook, Malcolm avoids thinking about that which he most fears. Fearing death and the death of one’s parents or family members, and maintaining a positive attitude, was a theme in all of the adolescents’ interviews and is the focus of chapter 7.

Asked about whether “life is worth living,” Malcolm states:

I like to live because I feel like I want to be able to experience a lot of things, you know. And be able to give back what I’ve received.

So getting a lot out of life and then giving something back?

Yeah, like from where I’ve grown up. ’Cause times are hard for some people. And I’d rather be a—I ain’t gonna try to be no, um, whatcha call him—Martin Luther King—nothing like that. But I’m gonna try, myself, to do anything I can.

What would you like to give back?

Well, you know, I just like if I make it big—if I have dough—I’d rather be able to start some kind of scholarship or something like that. I would like to just help in the community. Start up, you know, new gangs, help with clubs or something like that, you know, parks and stuff.

Malcolm’s determination to spread his “positive messages” is, once again, evident. Although he is quick to point out that he does not have grandiose dreams for himself, he does have dreams, and they include “giving back” to his community.

I am drawn to Malcolm’s reflectiveness, sensitivity, and intelligence as I listen to his freshman-year interview. His perspectives sound “young” at times, but also sophisticated. He thinks about his life ending but worries about the effects of his death on his mother. He does not have close peer relationships but seems aware of the complexities of close relationships. He uses marijuana and has a history of delinquent behavior but remains mindful of gradations of risk and is responsible at home and at school. Malcolm represents himself as resisting simplistic classifications and in need of respect:

Okay, anything else about you that I didn’t ask that would be important to know in knowing who you are?

Just, you know, as long as you can respect me and I respect you and, after that, everything comes. We be cool.

So respect is a big thing for you?

Yeah.