Читать книгу Mummy, Come Home: The True Story of a Mother Kidnapped and Torn from Her Children - Oxana Kalemi - Страница 6

It was the summer of 1990,I was fourteen and on a secret day out at the beach with two friends, Natasha and Alina. I knew I’d be in trouble if Papa found out, but I had had a wonderful time sunbathing and chatting with my girlfriends. Now we were going to buy some food before walking to the station ready for the hour’s train journey home.

As we stood in the queue for pastries, a handsome boy waited behind. He looked about eighteen and was wearing shorts, no shirt and good sunglasses.

‘Excuse me, could you tell us what time it is, please?’ Natasha asked as she turned towards him.

He looked at his watch. ‘Nearly six o’clock,’ he replied.

I was worried. It was much later than I’d thought. ‘We have to go,’ I said urgently. ‘We’ll miss the train and we’ll never be home in time. I have to get back before Mama comes home from work.’

‘Don’t worry, Oxana,’ said Natasha breezily. ‘There’s plenty of time.’

She didn’t seem at all worried as she started chatting and laughing with the older boy. I didn’t like it—she seemed so open and free with him, and it wasn’t how I’d been taught to behave.

‘Why don’t you come and meet my friends?’ he asked, when we’d bought our pastries.

‘Sure,’ replied Natasha, and she began walking off with our new friend.

‘But we’ve got to get home,’ I cut in, looking at Alina.

‘Not yet,’ she said as she turned to follow Natasha and the boy. ‘We can always catch the next train. Don’t be a scaredy cat, Oxana.’

I stood for a moment. What should I do? I could go on my own to the station or for once try to fit in with my friends. I didn’t want to be left alone. I turned to follow as the boy led us behind the shops to the edge of a small wood.

‘My friends are in there,’ he said, gesturing at the trees.

Twigs cracked under our feet as we walked into the sudden darkness. I saw a group of about seven boys a little way ahead. They looked between sixteen and eighteen, and were sitting on blankets with food and bottles of homemade wine surrounding them, smoking. We went over and sat down with them. Natasha accepted a bottle immediately but I felt more and more nervous. We were going to be so late.

Then I heard two boys muttering behind me.

‘What are we going to do?’ one asked in a low voice.

I strained to hear and made out a few other words.

‘…and you can take her,’ the other said as he looked at me.

Fear filled me. Something was wrong.

‘Come on, let’s leave,’ I whispered to Alina. I turned to the boy next to me and said with a smile, ‘We need to go to the toilet.’

‘Over there.’ He gestured at some bushes. Alina and I got up and started to walk casually away.

‘We need to get away from here,’ I told her in a low voice.

‘What do you mean?’ she replied.

‘Trust me. There’s something wrong. I’ll count to five, then we’ll run.’

‘Okay,’ Alina said and my heart beat as I waited to count down.

‘Five, four, three, two, ONE,’ I shouted and started running through the shadowy wood. I couldn’t hear Alina behind me, she must have gone in a different direction, but I couldn’t stop. I just had to run. That was all that mattered.

Suddenly I felt hands on my back and was pushed to the ground before being pulled roughly around. Looking down at me was a boy of about seventeen with blond curly hair, blue eyes and big lips.

‘Listen,’ he snapped. ‘I can make you a deal. Either all these guys are going to fuck you or you accept just me.’

‘No way,’ I screamed. ‘Never.’

‘All right then,’ the boy said as he started getting up. ‘I’ll just call the others.’

I could sense he was nervous, unsure of what he was doing. ‘No, please don’t,’ I begged. ‘Don’t call them. I’ll go with you.’

‘Good,’ he said as he pulled me to my feet. ‘Now follow me.’

I was very afraid as the boy took my arm and we started walking through the woods. What was he going to do? Why wouldn’t he let me go?

‘Please don’t hurt me,’ I sobbed. ‘My parents are expecting me home.’

‘If you’re good I won’t give you to anyone else but if you’re not then I have a lot of friends.’

My heart beat fast. I hardly understood what happened between men and women but I knew that I didn’t want this boy to touch me and there was no way to get away from him. Even as my eyes scanned the floor for something to use as a weapon—a plank, a stone—he held tightly on to me.

‘Please don’t hurt me today,’ I pleaded as we reached a deserted house and he pushed me into an old shed at the back. ‘Can’t you just leave me tonight?’

The longer he didn’t touch me the better. I’d been told again and again that I had to be a virgin to be a good wife and I knew that meant not letting boys touch me. I couldn’t let this boy do anything to me or the word ‘whore’ would follow me forever.

‘Don’t worry,’ he replied. ‘I’m not going to hurt you. You just need to drink some wine and then it won’t be so painful.’

He lay a blanket on the ground and offered me a bottle before lifting his eyes to me once again. The silence was thick between us as we stared at each other. I saw in his eyes that he was determined to do it.

‘Please don’t hurt me,’ I whispered as the boy pushed me back onto the hard ground.

I was so scared I couldn’t move. I’d hit boys at school if they’d ever tried to touch me but this was so different. My body froze. Maybe he would let me go when he realised how afraid I was.

‘I won’t tell anyone about this,’ I sobbed. ‘Please let me go. I won’t tell the police or my parents.’

But the boy did not listen and started pulling at my clothes as I folded my arms around my body.

‘No,’ I pleaded as he ripped the thin straps of my pink top. ‘I’m a virgin.’

‘Oh, come on,’ he snapped in a low voice. ‘You must have had a boyfriend.’

Tears ran down my face as the boy pulled at my shorts and I stiffened my legs to hold them tightly together. He pushed himself onto me and I could hardly breathe. He was too heavy and strong to resist as he forced my legs open. I tried screaming but a hand clamped down on my mouth.

A hot jab of pain flooded in between my legs. I didn’t want him to do this to me and neither did my body. It hurt so much. The boy pushed again and again until he went inside me. I screamed.

‘Shut up,’ he shouted. ‘Relax and you’ll be fine.’

But pain filled me as millimetre by millimetre the boy robbed me of myself. I could feel his sweat dripping on me, his tongue licking me and smell the stink of his armpits. Sickness rose up in my throat.

I don’t know how long it was before he stopped moving and rolled away onto his back.

‘You see, it was nothing,’ he said. ‘I’m tired now. Tomorrow I’ll take you to the train station and you can go home.’

He dozed off straight away while I lay awake trembling, too terrified to move, until I finally fell asleep, grateful for the oblivion.

Early the next morning we woke up. I saw dried blood on my thighs as I pulled on my shorts. It hurt to move as I shifted from one leg to the other. I felt freezing, so cold I was almost shaking, and I wondered what he was going to do now. Home felt so far away.

He led me out of the shed and we started walking along a deserted road with trees on either side until we reached an empty beach.

‘Clean yourself up,’ the boy said as he gestured at the sea. ‘And then I’ll take you to the station.’

I looked at a toilet block on the edge of the beach—the kind of low building with no roof, low walls and holes in the ground that were found by the seaside.

‘Can I go?’ I asked.

‘Yes, but don’t lock the door.’

The boy waited outside as I walked into the latrine and looked at the back wall. I could climb it and run. If I could just get away, perhaps I could forget this had ever happened. No one need ever know.

I stayed still for a moment as I listened for the boy. I couldn’t hear him moving, just the sound of the sea as it rolled onto the beach. Holding my breath, I pulled myself up onto the wall. As my head appeared over the top, I looked down to see two men waiting on the other side.

‘She’s trying to escape,’ one called and I heard a grunt of frustration as the boy rushed into the cubicle.

‘You’ve made a real mistake,’ he shouted as he grabbed me. ‘And now you’re going to pay for it.’

Panic filled me as the boy pulled me outside to where the two men were waiting. One was in his early thirties with blond hair and a well-built body while the other was tall, thinner and older.

‘Hello there, little girl. Nice to meet you. Now, let’s go,’ the tall man said as he dug his fingers into my arm and started dragging me towards a tent pitched nearby.

I looked back to see the blond man handing over some money to the boy as I was pushed inside the tent. The light inside glowed yellow and the air was hot, hard to breathe.

‘So what shall we do now?’ the blond man smiled as he crawled in behind us.

Without a word, he grabbed my hair and pushed his lips onto mine. I felt teeth bite into me as the man held my shoulders and pulled open his shorts. He pushed my head towards his nakedness as he knelt. My mind went black. What was he trying to do? I gritted my teeth, forcing myself not to cry or scream, as the man forced himself towards me. Suddenly fingers wrenched open the sides of my mouth and I tasted blood as my skin split.

‘Hold her nose,’ a voice said and fingers pinched my nostrils shut.

Whatever happened I must keep my mouth closed, mustn’t let this man into me. But as the world went from red to black and my body gasped for air, the blond man thrust himself into me. I bit him.

‘Fucking bitch,’ he shouted.

A fist smashed into my mouth and a knee flew towards my face. Pain flooded into my head. I could taste blood and feel the salt sting of tears melting into my cuts.

‘Here, wait,’ the tall man said as he grabbed me by the neck and pulled out a roll of masking tape. He pushed a strip over my mouth. Blood and tears rushed into my throat as my arms were pulled behind my head and I was forced back onto the ground.

The blond man pulled up my T-shirt and suddenly his weight was crushing me. He wanted what the boy had taken yesterday. It had hurt so much. I had to stop him. Once again I went rigid as he forced himself into me.

‘You’re only hurting yourself,’ he said.

It was worse, much worse, than the night before as the grown man pushed into me with a violence the boy did not yet know he had. I wanted to die. Just fall into the sea, out of the sky, and die. Tears fell wet down my face as the man moved on top of me. I had never known pain like it so deep inside, at the centre of me.

‘Sshh,’ he said as his hips pushed into mine again and again, his voice suddenly soft, the kind of voice you use to speak to a little girl. ‘Don’t cry. You’ll be fine.’

But still he heaved on top of me until suddenly a thick, musky smell filled the air. I felt warmth spread on my stomach as he rolled off me.

Silently I sat up and pulled the tape off my mouth as the men lit cigarettes. It felt like there was an animal inside me which wanted to scream but I couldn’t let it out.

‘It was all right, wasn’t it, even though you were tight?’ the blond man smiled as he smoked.

‘Can I have one?’ I asked, gesturing at the cigarette.

‘You smoke?’

‘Yes,’ I lied as he put a cigarette into my bleeding mouth and held a match to it. I felt dizzy as chemicals rushed into my brain and, without thinking, I pushed the burning cigarette onto the back of my hand. I wanted to see if I was alive but couldn’t feel a thing as the burning tip scorched my skin. Only the small white scar it left on my hand reminds me still that the day was real. But I didn’t know that back then. It all felt like a dream. When would I wake up at home?

I felt a slap on my face.

‘Are you crazy?’ the tall man shouted.

I looked at him silently.

‘She needs to clean herself,’ the blond man snapped as he took my arm and pulled me out of the tent.

I stood up and stumbled towards the sea where I started splashing myself. The water felt cold and my nose and mouth stung as the salty water bit into my cuts. Inside I felt nothing.

‘Are you all right?’ a voice asked.

I turned to see a police car parked on the beach and an officer standing near the tent. Another sat in the car.

Suddenly a flash lit up inside me. I was safe. They could help me.

But then fear filled me again. No one must ever know what had happened. My father could never find out. I would be shamed forever if he did. I started shaking as the sea rushed over my feet and I pulled down my wet T-shirt. I had no underwear. What kind of girl would they think I was?

‘I’m fine,’ I told the policeman.

He looked at me.

‘She’s my cousin,’ the blond man said.

‘Is that true?’ the officer asked.

‘Yes,’ I replied.

The policeman stared at me for a moment. ‘Well, get your things anyway because I want you to come with me.’

I dragged a hand over my mouth to wipe away the blood as I stood up to follow the man. Silently, I got into the front seat of the car as the other officer put the two men into the back. They didn’t say anything and neither did I. I wouldn’t tell, I decided as the car drove away. I’d lie if I had to. If Papa found out I wasn’t a virgin anymore then he’d either kill me or I’d be labelled a whore—either way my life would be over.

I was scared when I got to the police station. I knew what the police were like—they could do whatever they wanted—and so, even though a kind man asked me again and again what had happened, I didn’t tell him.

‘So where are your friends?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know.’

‘And your clothes?’

‘I lost them.’

‘What were you doing with the men we found you with?’

‘Just talking.’

There was silence while the policeman considered my answer. Then he said, ‘Did these men do something to you?’

‘No.’

‘Are you sure, Oxana?’

‘Yes.’

Soon a woman doctor arrived to take me to another room. I cried again as she asked me to sit in a chair with stirrups before looking at every part of me, the parts no one had ever seen until that day. The woman was silent as she examined me before turning away to write notes. Later she left the room, came back with a white gown and I was taken back to the room where the investigator sat.

‘Why have you lied to me?’ he asked softly. ‘You’ve been raped, haven’t you? The doctor says you’ve been treated very roughly. You must have been in a great deal of pain. Why keep silent?’

I stared down at the table. Would my body always tell my story to those who looked closely enough? I felt sick. Would my husband know in the years to come?

‘I’m scared,’ I sobbed. ‘My father mustn’t know what’s happened to me.’

‘But why?’

‘Because he’ll kill me. Please, please don’t tell my parents. I’ll do whatever you want but please don’t tell them.’

‘I won’t,’ he said.

So I told him everything. He kept his promise and did not call my parents. Instead, we called my second cousin, Yula, who came to pick me up and take me home. She lived not far from us with her husband and two children and I saw her often. I trusted her to help me. The investigator told her that I’d been found at the beach alone and needed clothes.

Yula came bringing clothes for me and, after speaking to the investigator, took me home in her car. We had only been driving for about fifteen minutes when she stopped the car and climbed into the back seat beside me.

‘What were you doing at the beach alone, Oxana?’ she asked gently.

I started sobbing. ‘You must never tell Mamma and Papa,’ I whispered.

Yula began crying as well. She knew my father was very strict. ‘But I have to,’ she said. ‘You’re fourteen. A girl. They need to know.’

‘Well, then I’ll kill myself,’ I cried. ‘I know how to die and I’ll do it.’

‘We have to say something, Oxana,’ she insisted. ‘You’ve been gone nearly two days.’

‘You’ll think of something,’ I said in a rush. ‘Please, Yula, you have to help me.’

We didn’t talk anymore as she drove me back to her house and waited for my mother to arrive.

An hour later, my mother came rushing in. ‘Where have you been?’ she screamed as she started slapping me. ‘Your father has had heart pain all day and night. We haven’t been to work because of you. You are a bad girl! Such trouble. We had no idea what had happened.’

‘Alexandra,’ cried Yula, ‘you don’t understand! Poor Oxana has been through a terrible ordeal. Yes, she was naughty—she went on a secret trip to the beach with her friends—but she and the others were set upon by thieves. They were badly beaten and had all their things stolen before being dumped in the middle of nowhere. She’s lucky to be alive.’

My mother’s anger vanished. ‘Oh, my poor baby!’ she said, with tears in her eyes. She put her arms round me and hugged me. I couldn’t remember when she had last done that.

Back at home, I climbed into my pyjamas and went straight to bed. The next day I told the story Yula had invented to Papa and he stopped asking questions when I began crying. He didn’t do as I’d expected and beat me. Instead my parents sent me to see relatives in the country for a week and we never mentioned what had happened again.

I still find that day at the beach almost the worst of everything that was to come. I was a child until I started running through the dark forest away from those boys. But in that moment I was forced into the painful world of adults. In the months that followed, I started seeing the devil in my dreams. I was sure that one day he would kill me.