Читать книгу The Bronze Cast - Pam Stavropoulos - Страница 9

4

`So how’s that skin cancer coming along?

She winces at her friend’s directness. Diane is as forthright as she herself is tentative. Yet that’s also part of the reason for their friendship. The seeking out of opposites, the filling of deficits.

For the most part they relate well. But there are times when their contrasting styles are problematic.

And this is one of them.

`It’s OK I think’.

`Still using the Chinese herbs?’

Does the question contain an implicit challenge? Or is she being over-sensitive?

Maybe it’s the association with Shen.

Gentle Shen, locked up in a detention centre.

Her blood simmers. The blemish on her chest (just above the neckline of her shirt, albeit invisible under a bandaid) likely darkens in sympathy. Or is it malignancy.

`Yes’.

`Are they working?’

`Well – ‘

Are they? It’s hard to tell. The blemish is changing in composition. Although it doesn’t seem to be diminishing in size.

`Shouldn’t you go back to that dermatologist?’

`His only option was to cut. It’s not a melanoma, so there’s no rush. And there are other possibilities for treatment’.

She can tell Diane’s forthrightness stems from concern. So tries to check the annoyance she feels. She is also surprised by the number of her women friends who endorse the surgical remedy so blithely. Since it would leave a permanent scar in a visible and delicate place, why wouldn’t she (wouldn’t they?) want to canvas alternatives?

But she also represses annoyance with herself, and even shame, for thinking of the effects on her appearance.

In a world of injustice she is worried about the cosmetic effects of minor surgery to erase a skin cancer! She should be so lucky. A glimpse of the evening news a week ago had featured amputations, without anaesthetic, on children in a refugee camp.

`As long as you keep an eye on it’.

`Oh, yeah, I am’.

Which she is, although with a kind of detachment. Perhaps she is less motivated by unexpected and disconcerting vanity than by disbelief that she has developed the thing at all. She had lain in the sun a lot years ago. And often without sunblock (so did a lot of people; that was what you did back then). Blithely ignorant of the potential impacts.

Who more than Australians would be obvious candidates for skin cancers? But she is also at the tail end of a generation that had genuinely lacked knowledge of the risks. Like smokers of a previous era (will mobile phones be incriminated in years to come?)

She’s lucky it’s not a full scale melanoma. Actually she is lucky she doesn’t have an internal cancer, given her high stress levels of an earlier period.

`I kind of like the idea of natural treatment if at all possible’.

Centuries of Chinese healing as against the western scientific tradition of slash and burn. She knows that’s over the top. But partially subscribes to it anyway.

Another vision of Shen rises before her eyes; she has to banish it quickly before her next client arrives.

`See you later on’.

Later in the afternoon she meets with her supervisor.

She has never liked the authoritarian, hierarchical connotations of that word. Or are they her own attribution (or, as would be more applicable in light of her particular counselling modality, her own projection?) At one level the term `supervisor’ describes a simple organizational reality.

Even as few things about the workings of institutions are ever simple.

In any case, the role it refers to in the context of her particular profession is an important one. In working with the psyche - the delicate elusive terrain of feeling, emotion and subjectivity - it is crucial to download and debrief with a more senior practitioner. Counsellors owe it to their clients - and in a different way to themselves - to scrutinize their practice with a more experienced therapist. Who, because not themselves directly engaging with the clients of their supervisees, can offer a different perspective.

Her own supervisor is far from hierarchical in approach.

Meetings with Robert have the flavour of collegial conversations rather than of exposure to scrutiny. She does not feel intimidated. In this, as so much else, she has been lucky.

`How are you doing with your clients? And do you have any new ones?’

Robert’s opening questions convey his trademark interest and empathy.

`Actually I do’.

Maybe I should start right there.

`His name’s Ryan. Late thirties, maybe forty. I’ve only seen him once. And I think he’ll be challenging’.

`Oh yes?’

Robert’s eyes gleam softly behind his glasses. While he exudes affirmation, the nature of their meeting also precludes complete relaxation.

For this is not a casual conversation. It is a professional interaction in which her modus operandi is necessarily under consideration. Notwithstanding his affability, and ongoing feedback that shows his support of her both as a colleague and as a person, his supervisory role means that Robert is also appraising her professional practice.

That is as it should be. He is also an extremely nice person towards whom she feels affection as well as admiration. And - her training as well as her personality means that she has to admit it to herself – some glimmers of attraction.

Which lends additional components to the dynamic between them. Complicating at one level, they are enabling at another.

The early psychoanalytic days in which `objectivity’ was regarded as desirable, and even possible, are long past. The hint of attraction she feels to her supervisor is a different inflection of the feelings (the `transference’) that clients have to their therapists.

It is the stuff of interaction. And if engaged with responsibly, the stuff of healing.

No one is a `blank slate’. We all react to one another on the basis of our previous relationships and experiences, according to our personal histories. But if a therapist oneself, ongoing supervision is critical. Clients are vulnerable as well as paying customers. And entitled to competent, ethical service from practitioners who are alert to their own inner fluctuations, complexities, and potential blind-spots. In which task supervisors can assist immeasurably.

Her positive feelings towards her own supervisor – in which elements of attraction co-exist with personal liking as well as professional respect – are thus not necessarily `obstacles’ to his appraisal of her client work. There are senses in which they also enhance it. At the most obvious level (in a profession in which so much is not!) Robert’s desire for her to be an effective therapist accounts for her heightened attunement to what he can offer in this regard. Yet the dynamic – as all dynamics in this field – need to be approached with care. So she is always on her mettle.

His quiet but expectant question (oh yes?) hangs in the air.

It is his style as well as his role to place the onus on her.

What can I say about Ryan at this point?

That his need seems to rival his diffidence?

That he shows few signs of any faith in the therapeutic process?

That I hope he’ll come back?

All of that.

`I know people are often ambivalent in a first session. But he seems especially so. If I’d been running behind time he may have bolted. Looked like the last place he wanted to be was in the waiting area. Let alone my office when I shut the door’.

She doesn’t expect immediate comment.

And she doesn’t get it.

`Once we got started – well, getting started at all was hard. He was verbally uncommunicative. It seemed much more than the usual male reticence. Although –‘

She pauses, considers.

`I didn’t sense any hostility or conscious desire to withhold. He was almost apologetic. And he had a wry sense of humour’.

Saying this aloud helps her to realize its truth.

How do I know what I think until I hear what I say?

Sitting in front of her supervisor, with the mix of feelings she brings to their sessions, she appreciates for the hundredth time how hard it is for her clients. And this almost irrespective of their contrasting issues, situations and personalities.

She loves her work, values her clients, and looks forward to discussing their issues with Robert. She loves sitting in his beautiful office (the rug on the floor, the paintings on the walls). And loves gaining insight into more effective ways to help those who come to consult her. She – yes she freely acknowledges it – is half in love with her supervisor.

And yet it is still hard to come to him for support and suggestions. Hard to sit in his presence- even while wanting to be there and even as their sessions are so valuable to her- with the medley of feelings she experiences. How much more difficult is it for a client in therapy, whose life wounds are potentially on display? For although `her own stuff’ inevitably comes up in supervision, it is in the context of her practice as a counsellor. Primary focus is on her clients.

She has been in therapy herself (that experience, too, part of good professional practice). She `knows’ what it is like to be a client. But somehow, in her supervisory sessions with Robert (as different as they are from therapy sessions per se) she never fails to re-appreciate the challenges faced by her clients, notwithstanding the galvanizing hope of healing, in presenting for therapy at all.

And in the case of someone like Ryan – whose ambivalence is like a force field – the challenge is tangible.

`Did the session go to time?’

Robert’s question pierces her (over?)empathy with her client. It takes her aback. And she takes a moment to rally.

`I think so – yes, it did’.

`Well that’s a good sign! Ambivalence notwithstanding, he made it through the first session. And so did you’.

A feeling of lightness, of relief. And of hope for next time. A firming of confidence that there might indeed be a second session with Ryan. More than that, a subtle underlining of the human threads which, despite their differences and the power disparities inherent in their relationship, bind client and therapist alike.

A couple of brief sentences and reassurance coheres. Rapidly and miraculously, her equilibrium is restored. She had been focusing on the difficulties (which are considerable, and which remain). By contrast, her supervisor - her skilled, inspiring supervisor - has immediately highlighted the positives. And it feels that he is right to do so.

He has also implied that she will be able to handle what might follow (how can she not love her supervisor?!) Robert has underlined that despite his apparent reluctance, her client had mastered his ambivalence about attending therapy. Had not only made the necessary appointment but sustained the first session. And notwithstanding her doubts about her conducting of it, she has helped him to do that.

How, at this particular point with respect to this particular client, could things be better than they are?

Smiling at Robert (it feels like a grin) she proceeds to discuss her other clients. And her hour of supervision passes as quickly for her as his initial hour of therapy had passed for Ryan.