Читать книгу An Amish Noel - Patricia Davids - Страница 13

Chapter Four

On Saturday afternoon, Emma traveled to the home of her friend, Lillian Keim. Lillian was the teacher at Alvin’s school, but the two women had been friends since the cradle. It had been Lillian who listened to Emma pour out her grief when Luke left. Lillian’s family had moved away not long afterward, leaving Emma to tell her friend how well she was recovering through letters. It was easier to bend the truth in writing. Then, two years ago, Lillian, her parents, her brother and her new little sister had returned to Bowmans Crossing so that Lillian could take the teacher’s post that had opened up. Emma was delighted to find they picked up their friendship right where they left off.

As Emma stopped her horse in front of Lillian’s house, she recognized her cousin Rebecca’s buggy tied to the hitching rail. The three of them were the planning committee for the school’s Christmas program.

“Hello,” Emma called as she entered the house.

“We’re in the living room,” Lillian called back.

Emma crossed the kitchen and turned the corner to see Rebecca and Rebecca’s mother, Ina Fisher, sitting on the sofa with cups of tea in their hands. Lillian sat in a chair facing them. She gestured toward another chair beside her. “Come and sit here. I was just telling Rebecca and your aenti your news. I hope you don’t mind.”

“What news? Hello Aenti Ina. I wasn’t expecting you to join us. How are you?” Emma approached the couch and kissed her aunt on the cheek.

Ina gave a long-suffering sigh. “Not bad for a woman my age. You young people don’t want to hear about my arthritis or my sciatic pain.”

Rebecca winked, and Emma knew she had to say something. “I’m so sorry you are suffering, Aenti. I must say, you bear up remarkably well. I don’t know how you manage.”

Apparently mollified, her aunt smiled a little. “Danki, child. I try.”

Emma sat in the chair next to Lillian. “Were you talking about Roy’s escapade? He’s fine, although I fear he may not have learned his lesson.”

“Lillian told us that Luke Bowman is working for your father. That must be odd for you.” Ina took a sip of her tea, but her sharp eyes never left Emma’s face.

“I don’t find it odd at all. Why should I?” Emma kept her face carefully blank. Ina was well-known as a gossip in the community. Emma didn’t want to fuel new speculation about Luke and herself.

Ina shrugged. “No reason, other than I do wonder if he will be a bad influence on Roy.”

Rebecca gave her mother a speaking glance. “Luke is not a bad influence on anyone. Shame on you for implying otherwise.”

Ina pressed a hand to her heart. “I didn’t mean to speak ill of him. Gracious, no.”

“I thought not.” Rebecca sipped her tea, but her frown remained.

“I was merely thinking that Roy is the age when he would find Luke’s prior life exciting.”

Lillian shook her head. “Prison can hardly be considered exciting.”

“Not to us, of course,” Ina conceded.

“Not to Roy, either,” Emma stated firmly, but she wondered if she spoke the truth. No matter how hard she tried to keep Roy from straying, she wasn’t sure she could. As Luke had at his age, her brother seemed determined to live an English life.

Rebecca set her teacup in the saucer on the small table in front of her. “We’re here to plan the Christmas program, not to gossip about my husband’s brother.”

Lillian giggled. “Where’s the fun in that? If you will step outside, we’ll be happy to talk about you instead.”

Emma chuckled. “I hope the art of gossip isn’t a lesson you are teaching our kinder at school.”

“I’m afraid it is a lesson learned more readily at home than at school.” Rebecca gave her mother a pointed look.

Ina put her teacup down, too. “Let us hear your ideas for the program this year, Lillian. This Thursday is the first of December, so we need to get moving.”

Lillian opened a notebook she had sitting on her lap. “My thought was to tell the Christmas story from the shepherds’ point of view. They were, after all, the first to hear the good news of our Savior’s birth. Emma, I’m sure Alvin told you I want him to sing a solo. He has a remarkably beautiful voice. He’s not keen on the idea. I hope you can encourage him to do it. I don’t want to force him.”

“He does sing well,” Ina admitted. “What song did you have in mind for him?”

“‘The First Noel.’”

Rebecca clasped her hands together. “It’s a lovely Christmas song and one of my favorites.”

“Will the other children have a chance to sing, too?” Emma asked. Alvin wouldn’t want to be the only one.

Lillian leaned forward. “Oh, absolutely. Since we are telling the story of the shepherds, we could start with the hymn ‘While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks.’ I will have one of the fourth-grade girls be the angel that appears to them. How many shepherds do you think I should have?”

Rebecca shrugged. “It doesn’t say how many there were in the Bible. I think four or five would be a good number.”

“I agree. Then I will have the first-and second-grade girls be the host of angels. Eight of them in all. We’ll also need to choose someone to play Joseph and Mary. Who would like to help with the costumes?” Lillian glanced hopefully around the room.

“I can,” Emma said.

“What about scenery or sets?” Rebecca asked.

Lillian folded her notebook closed. “Timothy Bowman has expressed an interest in helping with that.”

Ina frowned. “He doesn’t have a child in school.”

“His niece, Hannah, is a new student with us this year.” Lillian smoothed her skirt, keeping her eyes downcast.

Emma caught Rebecca’s eye. Was Timothy interested in courting their friend? Rebecca’s expression said she had no idea.

The sound of the front door opening was followed by childish laughter. Lillian’s little sister came hurrying into the room. “Lilly, I got a Christmas present for you, but I can’t tell you what it is.”

Emma smiled at the girl. Born with dwarfism, Amanda was three years old and a happy, active child. Many Amish families had members who were little people. Lillian’s family was thankful that Amanda had none of the health problems that often accompanied the disorder.

Lillian’s mother, Marietta Keim, came into the room and greeted everyone. She leaned down to her daughter. “Amanda, your sister has visitors. You shouldn’t interrupt.”

“I’m sorry, but I had to tell her about her present.”

Lillian pulled her close. “I’m so glad you did. I shall be on pins and needles the entire month wondering what it is.”

Marietta held out her hand. “Come help me gather the eggs, Amanda.”

“Okay.” She rushed to her mother’s side, and they both went out.

The women spent the next half hour working on the details of the program. After Rebecca and her mother left, Lillian crossed her arms and stared at Emma. “Well?”

“Well, what?”

“Luke Bowman working for your father. That can’t be good.”

“It doesn’t matter to me what Luke does or where he works.”

“It used to matter a lot. You can’t take up with him again, Emma.”

“Who said I was?”

“He’ll break your heart again. Men like him always do.”

There were no other men like Luke Bowman. He was one of a kind.

She rose from her chair and went to stare out the window. “I’m not getting involved with him. He’s not interested in me. He’s been home over a year. If he wanted to walk out with me, he would have asked ages ago, and I would have turned him down. My father is pushing me to wed someone else.”

Lillian sat bolt upright. “What? Who? Why?”

“Wayne Hochstetler. Because it’s time I married. I’m not getting any younger.”

“We are barely twenty-five. We’re not old maids. Not yet.”

“I don’t want to be an old maid, and neither do you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I intend to remain single, but we are talking about you. Are you walking out with Wayne?”

“Not yet. This is something his father and my father cooked up between them, but apparently Wayne is on the lookout for a wife.”

Lillian sat back. “He would be with such a young daughter to raise. It might be a good match, Emma. He’s a steady fellow, hardworking and not bad looking. He has a nice farm. You would have a ready-made family.”

Emma couldn’t come up with a thing against him except he wasn’t Luke. “If you think it’s such a good deal, why don’t you marry him?”

“I told you. I’m going to be single and teach school all my days. I love it.”

She rose and went to stand at Emma’s side. Slipping an arm across Emma’s shoulders, Lillian drew her close. “We have been friends a long time. I remember how upset you were when Luke left and didn’t take you with him. I thank God he had that much sense, but I could cheerfully horsewhip him for the pain he caused you.”

“I didn’t know you were such a violent person.”

“Okay, I wouldn’t horsewhip a bug, but I could send Luke Bowman to stand in the corner for the rest of his life.”

Emma managed a smile. “I can see you have the makings of a great teacher. Please don’t worry about me. I’m okay. Having Luke work for my father has stirred up old memories, but that’s all they are. Memories. I live in the here and now. He can’t hurt me.”

“I pray you are right.”

Emma prayed that she was, too.

* * *

Sunday was the off Sunday when there wasn’t a church meeting. The Amish had church every other week. Luke’s family remained at home that day. His father led a quiet morning of prayer and Bible reading. Luke tried to keep his mind on the words his father spoke, but his thoughts kept drifting to Emma and the look on her face before she left with Roy. There had been something in her eyes when she gazed at him. Was it possible that she still cared after the way he’d treated her?

He should have found a gentler way to break it off between them. He had known that she loved him. He had loved her, too, although he never told her that. His feelings for Emma had frightened the wits out of him. Marriage would have tied him to the Amish life forever. She never understood his need to be free from his family’s expectations and from everything Amish that had stifled him. Drugs had given him the feeling of freedom he craved, but only for a while.

If he had allowed her to come with him, it would have ruined her life. Leaving her behind was the only good thing he’d ever done for her. Did she understand that?

It didn’t seem likely, but there had been something in the way she looked at him that gave him hope.

Hope for what?

What was it that he wanted from her? To rekindle their teenage romance? He was too old and too jaded to think that was possible.

Forgiveness? He craved that, but he didn’t expect it. How could he when he had never explained why he left her.

Did he hope for a new friendship with her? Maybe.

None of it mattered if he wasn’t staying in Bowmans Crossing. The closer the time came for him to make a decision about staying the less certain he became of what he was going to do. From the moment he got out of jail, he had been struggling to fit in, to find where he belonged. Once his parole was up, he would be truly free. Free to leave. Free to stay. Which did he want?

His whole life he had rebelled against the strict and narrow Amish world he’d been born into. He’d never felt as if he were a part of it. Only sweet Emma had made it bearable. Her shy smiles, her adorable laugh, those tender stolen kisses. Oh yes, Emma had tempted him to stay, but her love hadn’t been enough.

Luke had grown to envy his Englisch friend, Jim Morgan. It had seemed that Jim and his buddies had a million choices. They had money to spend, cars to take them anywhere they wanted to go. There had been parties, loud music, fun and later there had been drugs, too. The Amish singings and picnics Emma wanted to attend seemed dull as dirt in comparison.

Always a risk taker, Luke dove headfirst into a lifestyle that had seemed too good to be true. And it was.

The occasional party drugs hadn’t been enough after a while. He sought escape more often, and one of Jim’s buddies supplied what he needed. Although Luke had believed he could quit whenever he wanted, he hadn’t been able to do so. In the end, he rejected Emma’s love, lost the respect of his family and his self-respect, too.

And he had no one to blame but himself.

Now, the Lord had led him full circle. He was back at the same crossroads. Stay or go? Which would be best for his family? Their unwavering support and love had given his life new meaning, but did he belong here?

If only he could be sure he wouldn’t fail them again.

At noon, his mother prepared a light meal, and afterward Luke walked down to the riverbank behind the house. The water was frozen a few feet out from the shore, but it was open in a winding path down the center of the river. A flock of mallard ducks flew up from the open water, circled and landed farther downstream, quacking their displeasure at being disturbed. He tossed a stick into the water and watched it drift away.

“What is troubling you, brudder?”

He recognized Joshua’s voice and turned to see all four of his brothers walking down to join him. “I’m not troubled.”

Joshua stopped a few feet away and folded his arms. “I’ve heard that before. I didn’t buy it then and I’m not buying it now.”

“What gives?” Noah asked. At twenty, he was the youngest of the Bowman sons and the least Amish looking with his short brown hair, English clothes and blue ball cap. He was taking advantage of his rumspringa to enjoy some non-Amish activities, but Luke knew Noah had every intention of joining the faith in a few years.

“Are you thinking of leaving us again?” Trust Samuel to get straight to the point.

“We all want you to stay,” Timothy added quietly. “I hope you know that.”

Luke nodded, unable to speak until he swallowed the lump in his throat. “I know you want me here.”

Samuel laid a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “But?”

“But I wish I knew for certain that I could stay.”

Joshua tipped his hat back. “Luke, no one but you can make that decision. Why do you think you should leave?”

Joshua had believed he could convince Luke to return to the family. He had tracked Luke down and found him selling drugs to support his habit. Shame and guilt kept Luke from accepting Joshua’s help. Unfortunately, they both were swept up in a drug raid, and his innocent brother had been sent to prison, too. Amazingly, Joshua didn’t harbor any ill will toward him.

Luke stared at the ground. “I should leave because I’m a drug addict and a convict. How many Amish fellows can say that?”

“Ex-addict. Ex-convict,” Samuel said sternly.

Luke glanced at him. “Am I? Therein lies my dilemma. I’m not using drugs now. I don’t want to go back to prison, and failing a drug test would put me there in a heartbeat. I’m straight now, but once prison isn’t hanging over my head, will I give in and start using again?”

Samuel shook him by the shoulders. “You won’t.”

Luke pulled away from his brother. “You don’t know that because I don’t know that.”

The fear of falling back into that life hovered over him every day. He wasn’t strong. He’d failed before. He could fail again. Why was he so different from his siblings? Looking into their faces, he knew they didn’t understand his fears. How could they? They were all so sure of their place in life.

Forcing a smile, he hooked a thumb toward the house. “Why don’t I beat you at a game of checkers, Samuel? That always makes me feel better.”

Noah shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Daed has already challenged him. You’ll have to wait and play the winner.”

“Go on, then. I’ll be up in a minute.”

His brothers walked reluctantly up the hill. He threw one more stick in the water and followed. As he entered the back garden gate, he saw Joshua’s wife, Mary, sitting on a bench. She had her eyes closed and her face raised to the afternoon sun. Several of the gourd birdhouses he had painted added color to the winter landscape. “I know how you’re feeling, Luke.”

“I doubt that.” He took a seat beside her.

“You feel lost. Others seem to know exactly what they want out of life and you still don’t know what you’re seeking. For two cents, you’d put a boat on the river, get in it and drift away until you reached the sea or sank.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Am I close?”

“Amazingly so.”

“I was like you before I had Hannah.”

Luke knew some of her story. Mary had left the Amish as a young girl, ended up with a man who used and then abandoned her when he found out she was pregnant. Alone and on the streets, she was taken in by a drug dealer named Dunbar, who planned to sell her baby when it was born. She gave birth alone and managed to hide Hannah from him in an Amish buggy, leaving a note with her child that she would come back for her.

What she hadn’t known was the buggy belonged to two teenage Amish boys who panicked when they discovered the baby. They left her on the doorstep of the nearest Amish farm. It was only thanks to Miriam Kauffman, an ex-Amish nurse, and Sheriff Nick Bradley that Mary was eventually reunited with her baby, and the drug dealer was sent to prison. Nick and Miriam married and adopted Mary. When Hannah was five, Joshua rescued the mother and child during a tornado and soon fell in love with them both. Once again, it had been Luke’s weakness that almost ruined everything for them.

“You are a stronger person than I am, Mary. You’ve seen how weak I can be. You suffered because of it.”

“God gave me someone to make me strong. He gave me Hannah. He will give you the strength you need if you trust Him.”

“I don’t know that I believe that. I have the feeling that I’m out here on my own. I think He’s washed His hands of me. I don’t know why you haven’t.”

“Because Joshua loves you.”

“I don’t understand that, either. He tried to help me and I pulled him down with me. He spent time in prison because of me. I gave the man who hated you information about you in exchange for drugs when I was in prison.”

“You didn’t know Kevin Dunbar’s intentions. He used you.”

“He kidnapped Hannah and could have killed her because of me.”

“God, in His great mercy, spared my child. You told the authorities where Dunbar was going once you knew what had happened. Nick got my little girl back because of your help. You were part of God’s plan all along, Luke. Don’t doubt that.”

“I’d feel better about being part of the solution if I hadn’t caused the problem. I don’t deserve another chance to mess up someone’s life.” If he stayed, it would happen. To Mary or to Hannah or God forbid to Emma. He would fail them when they needed him most. In his heart of hearts, he knew it.

Mary sighed softly. “I’ve never told anyone in the family this other than my husband, but I tried to kill myself when I lost Hannah the first time. It was hard to believe God could forgive me for such an act. The truth is God forgave me long before I made that terrible decision. He sent His only Son to die on a cross to save me from my sin. God forgives all of us. I was the one who couldn’t forgive myself until I realized that God had sent Joshua to love me in spite of everything. Your sins will be forgiven if you accept the truth of our Savior’s sacrifice for you, Luke. Until you accept that and forgive yourself, you won’t find happiness here or anywhere.”

“It’s easier said than done, Mary.”

“You’re right. It is. But it’s possible. Now let’s go in. I’m getting cold and your mother was making some hot cocoa.” She rose to her feet.

Luke stared at her in amazement. “I hope my brother knows how blessed he is to have found a woman like you, Mary.”

She grinned. “I tell him often, so he’s not likely to forget.”

Luke chuckled. He could hear Emma saying something like that. Emma was a strong woman, too. If only he could undo his past mistakes and make her love him again.

No, he was a fool if he tried to hold on to that hope, but to his dismay, it wouldn’t die.