Читать книгу Topics About Which I Know Nothing - Patrick Ness - Страница 11

‘What you have to consider,’ I say into my headset, ‘is what would a woman like yourself do if an intruder broke in one night when you were on your own with the children?’

‘I’d call Emergency Services.’

‘What if he cut the phone lines?’

‘I’d let my rottweiler do what rottweilers do.’

‘What if he’d brought minced beef with poison in it to put your rottweiler out of commission?’

‘He’s very persistent, this intruder.’

‘They always are, madam. I assure you, it’s not a laughing matter.’

‘I’d spray him with mace.’

‘You’ve left it in the car.’

‘I don’t have a car.’

‘You’ve left it at your friend’s house when you were showing her how to work it.’

‘I’d scream.’

‘He’s taped your mouth while you slept.’

‘After he poisoned my rottweiler and cut the phone lines.’

‘There’s been a rash of similar crimes in your area, ma’am. I’m only reporting the facts.’

‘Do you even know my area?’

I check the list. There’s no town name, but luckily I recognise the dialling code.

‘Derby, madam.’

‘Listen, this horror show has been very amusing, but I really must—’

‘What if he went for your children first and made you watch?’

‘That’s not funny.’

‘As I’ve said, madam, it never is. We offer self-defence training for the entire family.’

‘My daughter is five.’

‘Never too young to learn where to kick.’

‘It’d frighten the life out of her.’

‘I beg to differ, madam. Knowing a few basic moves might boost her confidence right at the time she’s about to enter school. Think about bullies, madam.’

‘Five, for pity’s sake.’

‘Most karate black belts start at three, madam.’

‘You’re making that up.’

I am. ‘I assure you I’m not, madam. One of the major positive points that clients have told us is that the self-defence classes have given them the appearance of confidence, and over 90 per cent have never even been forced to use their training.’

‘And that’s a selling point, is it?’

‘An armed world is a safe world, madam.’

‘I suppose so …’

‘Why not make your world a little safer, madam? Why not do yourself and your daughter, no matter how young, the service of being able to face the world with one more resource?’

‘Anything to help me sleep at night, is that right?’

‘That’s right, madam. Couldn’t have said it better myself.’