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JAPANESE HISTORY

Japan has a long and complex history spanning ten thousand years, culminating during the last century with a period of modernization during which it was transformed from an isolated feudalistic society to what is now the most literate, technologically advanced, and arguably the cutest society in the whole wide world.

To understand the scope and complexity of Japanese history, one must understand the characteristics of each period, the nature of political conflict, and drink something with a lot of caffeine in it.

RECENTLY DISCOVERED VIEWS OF MT. FUJI, CIRCA 1605

According to myth, the founder of Japan was descended from the sun, and is depicted as a man running around with his shorts on fire, leaping into a lake. From this supernatural origin, the shogun, whom we will henceforth refer to for purposes of historical and linguistic accuracy as shogun, took this as a mandate for their rule. The shogun were beautifully dressed men who abused all men under their jurisdiction in the cruellest way possible until rewarding their devotion by sending them to be filleted by other abused men wielding exquisitely crafted swords. The dialectic of history in feudal Japan is best summarized by a section of a dialogue recorded by a member of the court of Yuho Kitazawa (1203-1986), which reads, “Ouch ooch eech!”

MORE RECENTLY DISCOVERED VIEWS OF MT. FUJI, CIRCA 1605

The most omnipresent figure portrayed throughout Japanese history, however, is a mountain. Mt. Fuji evokes the spirit of nature and purity, as well as boasting a lot of eating and drinking spots, and is to the Japanese what the Statue of Liberty or a crumpled Budweiser can is to Americans.

AND THEN SOME

TEA CEREMONY

The tea ceremony, an ancient ritual used to demonstrate boundless respect for an honored guest, is the pinnacle of beauty and refinement. The tea ceremony traces its origin to the samurai class (specifically the Sissy clan of Kagoshima) who, in between alternately terrorizing merchants and farmers, created this elaborate rite celebrating beauty, form, and a tea set to die for.

The ceremony begins by assuming the seezhur position, which is best described as the way you would sit if you were slowly collapsing under the weight of a walrus. The tea master then begins the 363 (or up to 600, depending on his or her level of senility) steps of lifting, wiping, pouring, replacing, and drooling over the tea set. The guest must carefully receive the season-themed drinking bowl, admire it from all sides, express admiration, and not suddenly doze off. After tea, sweets (meaning the tasteless shells of Twinkies stuffed with spackle) are served. Sudden, unexpected movements are taboo, but vomiting is expected and even encouraged. You will leave the ceremony with a new appreciation for ceremony and technique, and an even greater appreciation for ancient rites involving chairs.

THE GREAT TEA-CEREMONY MASTER

HAIKU

Haiku rouse great admiration among Westerners because, in only three lines, they deliver the same impact requiring hundreds of lines in Western poems. In haiku, as in Japanese painting, the power of the message derives as much from the space as from the objects. Haiku communicate a sense of nature, human experience, and the passage of time. One of the most famous, by Kenzo Goldstein (1066-6601):

Night’s silent pool sleeps

Moonbeams fall, shimmer

Pull over quick, I’m going to throw up.

Some haiku bring the exquisite details of nature, often overlooked by Westerners, into the foreground:

Song of the cricket

Winter’s wind once weeped

I scraped it off but I still smell it.

Or:

As I belch, contemplating Fuji

Once more, in silence,

I taste those pickles.

ANCIENT KANJI SCROLLS TRANSLATED AT LAST

ORIGAMI

Japan is admired as a place where true understanding occurs during moments of silence. In conversation, words are kept to a minimum. In writing, a few lines or a paragraph suffices. What, then, do you do with all that extra paper? Well, how about taking a sheet and making 212 mathematically precise folds to create one of those white birds that stands on top of a hippopotamus and eats parasites?

POIGNANT MOMENTS FROM THE WORLD OF ORIGAMI

The Japanese have a great aptitude for long, complicated procedures. A Christmas gift may be ignored, but a 4” by 4” piece of the wrapping will be instantly folded into an anatomically correct crab with working claws. These ornaments signify the creator’s good wishes when given as presents. If someone falls ill, a thousand folded cranes are given as a get-well gift. Each consists of 21 folds and takes three minutes—that’s 21,000 folds and 50 hours of effort. This resulting meter-long mobile is hung over the patient’s bed. It is definitely considered rude to die after receiving such a present.

NOT SO POIGNANT MOMENTS FROM THE WORLD OF ORIGAMI

COMMUNICATION

What best explains the Japanese economic miracle? How has Japan managed to surpass all other countries in terms of her productivity and standard of living? One of the answers to this question is the unique Japanese style of communication and interpersonal sensitivity. For the Japanese, one of the most valued traits is to be sasshi ga ii, or good at guessing. In other words, you must be able to sense the other person’s feelings and then act in a way that will not contradict him. This one societal characteristic explains the phenomenal smoothness of life in Japan. For example:

Person A: Is the boss mad?

Person B: I don’t know. Is he? What gives you the impression that he’s mad?

Person A: Just, in my heart, I feel like he’s angry. Don’t you feel so?

Person B: In my heart, I feel something, but I don’t know what.

(Person B collapses on the floor in a pool of blood with a knife in his chest as the boss is courteously taken away by police after a preliminary cup of green tea.)

KOWAI: A WORD USED, AMONG OTHERS, BY 10-YEAR-OLD GIRLS...

... TO DENOTE ANYTHING ...

... VAGUELY TERRIFYING

The Japanese language itself is famous for its ambiguities, and for its devices which can be used for avoiding confrontation. To linguists, and other people who specialize in covering up the truth and common sense with ludicrous and laborious research full of self-generated data and hypotheses, Japanese is a delicate instrument which guides relations in peace and harmony. But to the Japanese themselves, and to foreign speakers of Japanese, the meaning is clear. For example:

Ee, chotto:	You’re an idiot.
Do kana:	You’re a goddam idiot.
Nan deshoo:	Go to hell, idiot.
Doshite mon deshoo ne:	Isn’t your visa about expired?
Fushigi desu ne are wa:	No, he’s not in the yakuza. Call him a baka.
Nan daroo:	Here, catch this javelin.
li deshoo:	The pool only looks empty. Go on, jump in.

A brief look at the development of the written word, or kanji, in Japan clearly demonstrates its nod and wink origins.

PALM READING

What kind of person are you? Why spend your life in self-analysis when you could visit a rickety, mumbling grandmother, who will reveal all in a flurry of flattery inspired by the lines on your hand. The origins of palm reading are obscure, but it’s ancient and Chinese, so it must mean something. In Tokyo, you can walk down any major street and quickly find what looks like some old woman scolding a renegade offspring for not washing their hands. Stop! You’ve found a palm reader.

These self-employed soothsayers cover a bridge table with a tablecloth, hang up a Chinatown gift-shop lantern (complete with All-Seeing Eye), and within minutes, giggling women in their twenties approach to be silenced by these Delphic Oracle TV University dropouts as they make remarks such as, “There’s a block caused by your aunt’s jealousy of your beauty” and “If you add an extra egg, it comes out more fluffy.”

Everyone in Japan is suspiciously familiar with this spurious science of wrinkles and callouses, and many can tell you your probability of marriage, happiness, and an enlarged prostate, even without the help of these parapsychological derelicts.

WHAT YOUR PALM CAN TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR FUTURE (MAYBE)

POLITICS