Читать книгу The Drowning Girls - Paula DeBoard Treick - Страница 15

PHIL

I didn’t say anything to Liz about Kelsey in the beginning, and then suddenly, it was too late. Liz was already suspicious of Deanna, who had nothing better to do than chat for half an hour here, an hour there. I could have said something about Kelsey, but it would have been more grist for the mill, more fodder for Liz’s jokes about The Palms. And that was when it was a mindless flirtation, a situation that I figured would blow over and be gone, like a bit of dandelion fluff.

Later, mentioning it would have given it too much weight in our lives. Even saying her name would have been dropping clues about an affair I wasn’t having. I tried it out in my head, worked on the phrasing. There’s this girl who has a bit of a fixation on me. It’s probably just a little crush. I haven’t done anything—much—to encourage it. It’s nothing. But it wouldn’t be nothing to Liz. She wouldn’t have been able to let it go. I knew how she was, how at her core was a kernel of insecurity, dormant until we’d moved to The Palms. She’d never been especially concerned with her own appearance before. She’d never obsessed about exercise. Her wardrobe had been a steady rotation of black pants and button-down shirts, the occasional jacket. In the mornings, every morning of our lives before moving to The Palms, she simply ran her fingers through her wet hair, added a bit of lip gloss, and was ready to go.

I’d loved that about her.

Now, she weighed herself each morning, frowned at her face an inch from the mirror. She bought expensive clothes that hung in our closet, receipts dangling, while she made a final decision.

“You look sexy,” I’d murmur in her ear, nuzzling along her neck, and she would frown, not buying it.

“I love you,” I said.

She wrinkled her nose. “You just said that ten minutes ago.”

“It’s still true.”

* * *

I thought that Kelsey’s friendship with Danielle would be a good thing, that she would drop the flirtation when those worlds intersected. What kind of fifteen-year-old girl was interested in her friend’s stepfather? But overnight, she wormed her way into our lives. I hadn’t figured on the logistics of Kelsey in my home, coming out of the bathroom late at night when I climbed the stairs, eating a bowl of cereal in the morning, her nipples outlined against the thin fabric of her tank top. In the afternoons, she paraded through our house in her bikini, letting the strap slip over her shoulder until the top of her breast was exposed. She’d already caught me looking. One night at dinner she brushed her leg against mine under the table and I jumped up, saying that I wanted to catch the end of the game.

I tried, in a general way, to get rid of her. I joked: she’s eating all our food. I complained: they’re too loud at night, and I’m not getting enough sleep. I coaxed: I wish we could just be alone, the two of us, without the girls always in our hair.

I wanted Liz to see it, without me having to say it.

It was a mess, but I told myself I could ride it out. What other choice did I have? Kelsey Jorgensen would outgrow me eventually. School would start, and she would find a real boyfriend, someone her own age. She would look at me and see thinning hair, wrinkles around my eyes. If I didn’t encourage her, she would wander off—like a stray dog.

* * *

The morning after the mountain lion sighting—the “alleged” mountain lion sighting, I told Jeff Parker, checking in—Deanna came by my office to make copies. In giant, bold font, her flier said WARNING: PROTECT YOUR FAMILIES AND YOURSELVES, with a picture of a mountain lion, jaws bared, feline haunches rolling. She offered to walk the fliers door-to-door herself, no doubt planning to relive the experience for anyone unlucky enough to be at home. When Deanna left, clutching an armful of thick orange card stock, Marja Browers stopped by, wondering if I could draw up some kind of schedule for “running buddies.” I was fumbling my way through a spreadsheet when Kelsey came into my office, draping herself across the chair in front of me. I was already in a foul mood, not to mention exhausted from spending half the night on the golf course with Victor Mesbah, who’d been so full of bloodlust I was afraid he would shoot himself in the foot. Or worse, shoot me. Liz had already been asleep when I came in, and she’d been frosty this morning, as if I’d been out for a night on the town without her.

“I’m very busy, Kelsey,” I said, stabbing at a few keys to emphasize the point.

She leaned forward, centering my nameplate on my desk. She lifted the framed photo of Liz and me at a friend’s wedding in Napa, studying us closely.

“Kelsey, I’m serious. Did you need something?”

“I was just wondering if you found what I left for you.” She was close enough for me to smell her lotion, both nutty and sweet at the same time.

I looked around the room slowly, as if I were scanning for a booby trap or a car bomb.

She placed her palms on my desk and leaned forward, giving me a straight shot down her shirt. “Not here. In your bedroom, silly.”

I pushed back my chair, wanting to stand. My legs felt as substantial as jelly. “What do you mean?”

When she straightened, she flung her hair over her shoulder in a dramatic arc. It was a calculated move. Everything she did was calculated, designed for attention. Had she learned about life from reading men’s magazines, from watching porn on her laptop? She smiled at me. “If I told you what it was, that would take away all the fun.”

I watched her leave, trying to stay calm. I wanted to race out of the office, tear through the clubhouse, across the parking lot, down the street. Count to a hundred, I ordered myself. I didn’t make it past ten.

She wasn’t in the hall or the dining room, although I expected her around every corner, stretching out a hand and inviting me to follow her, like the White Rabbit, down, down, down. I took deliberate steps, one foot in front of the other. I said hello to a waitress emerging from the dining room with three plates balanced on her arms. I passed Myriam and told her I’d be back in my office in just a few minutes. I clapped Rich on the back and declined his offer of a Bloody Mary.

“I hear you were out there keeping us safe,” he said. “I bet we’re out of danger now.”

Not at all, I thought. Not a bit.

It was bright outside, a deceptively cold East Bay morning. I let myself in through the front door and took the stairs two at a time. Danielle met me on the landing, surprised. My mind had been reeling with worst-case scenarios, and I’d simply forgotten about her.

“Why are you here?” Danielle asked.

“I live here. Why are you here?”

“Very funny.”

“I’m not feeling so great. I need a private bathroom.”

“Ewwwww...” she groaned, waving me past.

I locked the bedroom doors behind me and surveyed the scene. My clothes were draped over a chair, where I’d left them last night. Liz’s pajamas were balled next to them. I’d made the bed haphazardly this morning, and the duvet hung low on my side. Nothing looked out of place, nothing looked as if it didn’t belong. But I wasn’t the most observant guy under the best of circumstances. I was the wrong person for this sick little game.

I pulled back the sheets, running my hand under the pillows and along the foot of the mattress, gingerly, as though I was away at summer camp, feeling in my sleeping bag for a snake. I opened my nightstand drawer, then Liz’s, rifling through the junk that had accumulated there in only a couple of months. I was beginning to feel queasy, imagining Kelsey in our room, touching our sheets, holding the tube of K-Y Jelly in Liz’s nightstand. I bent to the floor, lifting the bed skirt. Nothing. I rifled through my dresser, upsetting the folded stacks of boxers, the balled pairs of socks. Nothing. I was more careful with Liz’s dresser. If she came in the room right now, or Danielle did, how would I explain myself?

But there was nothing.

Fuck.

Maybe it was there, but I just didn’t know what I was supposed to find. What would an obsessed teenager leave in the bedroom of a man three times her age? A folded love letter, a heart drawn in lipstick on the vanity mirror?

She was sick—that was it. She was a sick person, this was a sick joke. And somehow I was the punch line. I’d fallen right into it.

I flushed the toilet twice before leaving the master suite, and called, “All better now,” as I passed Danielle’s room.

She was lying on her bed, reading a book, and she grimaced at me. “Seriously? TMI.”

* * *

I didn’t see Kelsey again that day, but I jumped every time someone passed in the hallway. In the dining room, I chose a seat with my back to the corner, like a character in a gangster movie. I wasn’t going to be surprised by her again.

That night in bed, Liz ran her hand down my back in a quiet invitation, and I rolled over to face her. I slid my hands beneath her top, helped her wriggle out of the bottoms. But I wasn’t able to shut out the image of Kelsey in this very room, invading what had been a sacred space. Eyes closed, I could picture her in detail—the long line of her legs, the pink scar on her kneecap. When I opened my eyes, I had a vision of her standing just over Liz’s shoulder, smiling that teasing smile.

“Hey,” Liz said, sliding off me, her skin clammy with sweat. “What’s wrong?”

I claimed exhaustion, which was true. I’d hardly slept the night before, and my mind had been racing, endlessly, around the same track. I’d pawed through our room like a cat burglar sniffing out a dirty secret.

“You’re sure that’s it?” she asked, and when I glanced at her, she’d gone still, as if she were holding her breath, waiting for my reply.

Tell her.

But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

* * *

From that point on, I resolved not to look at Kelsey, not to talk to her, not to give her the slightest acknowledgment. School started, which meant that five days a week, she was out of sight until four thirty. After that, I locked my office door, citing a call to make, business that couldn’t be interrupted.