Читать книгу Giving Myself Permission: Putting Fear and Doubt In Their Place - Pennie Murray - Страница 5

“The quality of your life does not depend on others. It depends on the quality of the choices you make and, most importantly, the accuracy of the information upon which your choices are based.”

~Christine DeLorey, Creative Numerology

Have you ever told someone about a goal you wanted to pursue, or a lifelong desire you hoped to fulfill, and then followed the statement with a “BUT” or an “IF ONLY?” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone (including myself) rationalize why their plans haven’t yet materialized, I would be rich!

Let’s be honest. The reasons we give for failing to achieve our goals are seldom the real issues preventing us from success. The truth is, if all these so called obstacles — lack of money, support, time, or opportunities — were removed, we would simply come up with something else to justify our unconscious, but accepted limitations. In other words, the reason we sometimes experience the shallow end of life is we don’t give ourselves permission to do anything else.

The mere fact that you’re holding this book right now means you have reached a point in life where you’ve grown tired of spinning around in the same circle. After all the falling down and getting-back-up-again routines, you may be at a point where you’re just sitting in the circle contemplating what to do next — if anything. Perhaps you have lost faith in your dream, or possibly yourself. One thing is for certain — to end the vicious and discouraging cycle of defeat, something has to change!

When I first made the agreement with God to write this book, many of my colleagues advised me to stick with the popular formula of encouraging life change through positive affirmation. They told me people wouldn’t want to face their issues and flaws openly, so to prevent that from happening I just needed to frame everything in a positive light.

While their intentions were honorable, I find that sometimes the positive affirmation method stops short of unearthing the “what” and “why” answers we need most. Determined to avoid hooks, gimmicks, and flowery rhetoric, I set out to do something rarely done these days — simply tell the truth. I am a firm believer that if a person is aware of the obstacles he or she is up against, their actions will be more purpose driven, and they’ll be better able to achieve the desired outcome.

Although saying positive affirmations can have a tremendous impact in a person’s life, I find that applying this concept to unresolved emotional baggage isn’t as effective. It’s more like trying to cover up hideous dark shaded wallpaper with bright paint. First, it will take a lot of paint to cover up that dark and dingy wallpaper. Secondly, after awhile, the dark and dingy bleeds through, creating ghostly shadows of the very thing the person is trying to hide. Sooner or later, the ugly wall — tattered and masked — is revealed.

If we were to apply this analogy to some of the more complex issues of our lives there would be a myriad of options from which to choose. Here are a few examples of what I mean. We could:

Patch the problem.

We could just keep adding paint until the wall “appears” to look better, but we all know that looks can be deceiving. Patching the problem is when we use elaborate excuses or aggrandize our problems in an attempt to cover up the things we want to hide. We’ve all done it, and by now we should all realize it doesn’t work. Sadly, we try anyway.

Delay the problem.

Of course, we could watch the wallpaper continue to peel, keep promising ourselves that we’ll fix it someday, or in most cases just learn to live with it “as is.” Attempting to ignore or put things off until a better time is often what happens when our problems appear too big or impossible to resolve, and we doubt our ability to achieve the outcome we want. Delaying the problem is the easiest and most popular option.

Deal with the problem.

Eventually, most of us realize that the cover up attempt isn’t working, and we certainly won’t be happy living with the problem. So the best solution is to strip the wall completely, and begin again. Dealing with the problem requires time, effort, and commitment, but it can be done. In some cases it may require starting over, but the reward is worth it!

My approach in this book is to help you strip the walls and start fresh. That’s right! The goal is to deal with every aspect of the problem. More importantly, it is my sincere hope that as you read, you will gain significant clarity and begin to redesign your walls to reflect the colors and textures best suited for the life you really want to live.

There is an African proverb that states, “When you understand the ‘whys’ of life, you can endure any ‘how.’” I now live by this proverb and its simple, yet absolute truth. Likewise, as you begin to identify and appreciate the “what” and “whys” of your life, you will be better able to trust and rely on your internal compass for direction.

Right off the bat, I will tell you this book is less about how to give yourself permission. How you do that is completely up to you. It is more about the what and whys that may be hindering you from giving yourself permission to succeed in life. More specifically, what has your dreams and ambitions on lockdown, and why does it sometimes seem you’re hell-bent on sabotaging your own success?

For some people, the need to give themselves permission derives from some major life experience. Some have been abused and belittled by people they loved and trusted. Despite efforts to forget about and grow through these situations, they still end up allowing others to have greater authority in their lives than they give themselves. Others have experienced failure so many times they can barely find the courage to try again. Still others are duped into accepting feelings of low self-esteem that may stem from being rejected or being manipulated by others.

Then there are those who can believe the best for everyone else, but can’t embrace it for themselves. They have no idea why their progress is limited, or for that matter, why they think the way they do. You may not fit into either scenario. Maybe you have another set of challenges, but the good news is your situation is about to change!

As you read this book and consider embracing the notion of giving yourself permission, I recommend you do three important things:

1.Take baby steps.

Start by choosing some aspect of your life or situation that poses the least amount of emotional, mental, or physical resistance. Don’t choose anything that would cause unnecessary anxiety. For example, take action on one small task that will get you on the path to fulfilling a dream. To achieve this goal, you may elect to release one sabotaging thought or negative habit. Or, you could praise yourself for something you’ve already done to get the ball rolling.

2.Stay consistent.

Keep working on that one task until the positive outcome becomes second nature. Believe me, trying to rush through the process only makes matters worse. Take all the time you need. There is no magic timetable or accelerated expectation to learning how to give yourself permission.

3.Experience the journey.

What do you mean “experience the journey”? you may be wondering. Some things I talk about in the book won’t apply to you. That’s okay. But, when the information does touch your spirit, give yourself permission to explore ways to begin using it in your day-to-day life. Highlight and underline those things that speak specifically to you. Make special notes to refer to later by writing in the margins of the book, take notes, or journal your thoughts and emotions.

How to Use This Book

During certain instances in the book, you will see the words Side bar, which means I’ve gotten off the specific point for a moment to make an off-the-cuff, but relevant comment. Once I get off my soapbox, you will see the word Resume, which means I’m back on topic. My intent is to “keep it real,” so at times, I use a few curse words — but nothing hardcore.

It’s best to build your voice and your brand of success in small, yet consistent increments. At the end of each chapter, I have added a “Self-Permission Challenge.” These exercises were included to highlight specific points in each chapter and to help reinforce your resolve to give yourself permission. As you accept each challenge, I encourage you to take small steps toward achieving what you really want in life, love, and success. Instead of trying to make huge, quick changes, I recommend you use what I call The Principle of 5%.

The Principle of 5% is “taking small, non-disruptive, but intentional, persistent steps toward change.” No, I can’t tell you what 5% worth of effort literally measures out to be, but I can say it’s just enough, if done persistently and purposefully, to guarantee a stronger foundation for success. The number five also symbolizes harmony, balance, and divine grace. The Principle of 5% works because it takes very little energy or thought. Therefore, it doesn’t cause your subconscious mind anxiety or distress. Introducing change of any kind in large doses will only cause your mind to perceive your desired change — no matter how good it is — as a threat.

Our natural, human response to a perceived threat is “fight or flight.” Loved ones and significant others may also perceive large and quick doses of change as a threat, revenge, intimidation, or you going through a crazy spell. Their responses may impact you negatively and result in setbacks. After enduring a certain amount of resistance, you might begin to think self-sabotaging thoughts, like “what’s the use?” If these negative thoughts linger, you could end up right back at square one. So just remember, keep the changes small, but keep them steady.

While I have outlined specific tasks at the end of each chapter, the ultimate task is learning to break free from the invisible internal resistance that up to now has held you back. The key to finding your voice and your own brand of success is to discover the authentic you. I’m not referring to the person people think you are or want you to be; I am specifically referring to the real you who has been trapped inside.

Throughout Giving Myself Permission, I share many personal experiences that caused me to become apprehensive and as a result, limited my own success. I also take a very vivid walk through the events that led me to giving myself permission. But of course, the names of those I mention in the book have been changed, and the events are not in sequence of their occurrence. While I have learned to better my life through this process and have experienced things I could previously only imagine, I am still confronted with situations that challenge my ability to continue giving myself permission.

The biggest challenge most times is confronting my inner critic. It’s that voice inside that tells you what you can’t do, how guilty you should feel, and how inferior you are in comparison to others. The inner critic reminds you of all the things you’ve tried before and failed at. Whether it’s losing weight, starting a business, buying a home, or starting a relationship, the inner critic ALWAYS has something to say. It wants you to give up! But you can’t because deep inside, you know that making steps toward change is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. And it is! This entire process of learning to give ourselves permission is just that — a learning experience.

The reality of giving yourself permission is something you and I will have to do every day. Why? Because the “inner critic” is actively at work, always waiting to smugly point out our weaknesses, fears, and failures. Its very presence is what reinforces self-sabotaging thoughts. With that in mind, I’m also writing for the times when I will need to read my own book to regain focus and increase confidence. As tedious as things may become during this transformation, we can’t give in to the old views of our inner critic any longer.

The words on the pages that follow are not the words of a guru oozing with platitudes of the ancient truth-seeker. I’m not trying to come off as some enlightened sage perched upon a pedestal telling you what you should and should not do. Nor am I proclaiming that I have arrived. With all certainty, I can say, however, I’m an individual just like you, still learning to give myself permission in life, love, and success. It is with absolute transparency that we take this journey together.

Speaking of transparency, throughout this book, I speak openly about my relationship with God and often reference my favorite verses from the Bible. I am a Christian and my faith sustains me. Yet, this book is not meant as a religious text, and I have no desire to preach to you or condemn you. Whether you’re a Buddhist, Hindi, or agnostic, my goal is to help you move beyond the inhibitions and learned weaknesses in your life.

Whether you’re trying to improve some aspect of life, enhance your business, deepen your relationships, or simply pursue a dream that you have hidden in your heart for far too long, you are about to discover a level of insight that will strengthen your confidence and change everything! It is my sincere hope that this book will help you to unlock the things that have held you back so that you can begin to thrive and boldly walk out your God-given destiny.

As you begin your own journey of learning to give yourself permission, I want you to know that the life lessons will be unending and ever-changing, and you may sometimes lack concrete evidence of your progress. But I encourage you to stay the course. The lessons you will learn are invaluable, your possibilities countless, and the freedom exhilarating. Enjoy!