Читать книгу The Prisoner’s Cross - Peter B. Unger - Страница 10

Don’s friendship with Tom continued to grow stronger. Invitations to Tom and Sarah’s apartment became a regular event. Don and Tom could be seen sitting together after all three dinner shifts Don worked. In fact Don would come late to lunch just so he could sit and eat with Tom at the staff table. Don continued working his three evening shifts washing pots. As their friendship grew, they found they shared even more things in common. Both took a certain pride in manual labor and working with their hands. They also, at times, shared a certain juvenile sense of humor. Both shared a disdain for political correctness, particularly when it masked an elitist, patronizing, and even prejudiced attitude. As they got to know each other better they were able to share something of their respective dysfunctional family backgrounds. Tom’s mother, like Don’s father, had been an alcoholic and had at times been emotionally abusive. Both found outlets for their reflective side in ways that enabled them to wrestle with their deeper emotional issues. Don loved the works of C. S. Lewis. As a child he had read the “Narnia Chronicles” his mother had bought for him. In college Don had an English teacher who encouraged him to read Lewis’s The Great Divorce and The Problem of Pain. These and numerous other books that dealt with theological and philosophical issues offered Don insight, and touched on the emotional issues he struggled with. Overall, though, they spoke more to the intellectual side of his nature and less to the strong emotions his rational side tried so hard to suppress. Tom’s love of poetry had also offered him an intellectual outlet, but he had found that reading and writing poetry had helped him to process his emotions as well.

Tom had shared some of his poems with Don. He had been surprised by their sophistication. The poems had a confessional theme but were also optimistic. In Tom’s poems pain and trial gave way to hope and grace in a non-doctrinal Christian way. Tom’s faith understandings had been broadened by other friends he had made at the seminary. His unchurched background had helped him maintain an open-ended faith perspective. This freed Tom to explore spiritual issues in his poetry unhindered by narrow Christian beliefs. In reading Tom’s poetry Don got glimpses into some of Tom’s emotional struggles, and the way he sought the balm of grace to help heal them. Ironically it was Tom’s poetry more than any seminary course that offered Don some initial insight into the emotional pain he was struggling with. In contrast to his intellectual pursuits this insight dealt with becoming more open to grace as an experience and not just an intellectual insight.

Don pondered on what was obviously more of an experience of grace for Tom. Emotionally he was not sure he was ready for such an experience, and sensed that his anger, some of which he felt toward God, would impede him from having such an experience. Still he felt hope that, if in some way he could work through his anger he might avail himself of such an experience. Don even began to wonder, by opening himself to the prospect of experiencing that grace, if he might have turned a corner, or made some forward progress, in dealing with the demon of his anger.

Don’s friendship with Tom, and some weeks of calm that fall, gave him enough confidence to attempt to make more friends on campus. These attempts would leave him feeling rejected, and even more disconnected from the greater seminary community. On one occasion Don accepted an invitation from a student named Doug to stop by his room at the other end of the first-floor dorm hallway. One Sunday afternoon, taking a break from his studies, he went to Doug’s room. The door was partly open, and after knocking Don heard Doug yell, “Come on in.” Doug and two other male students were huddled together on chairs watching a small TV perched on the end of Doug’s desk at the head of his bed. They were watching a well-known televangelist his mother used to watch and making fun of him. “Come on in, Don, you can have a seat on my roommate’s bed, he’s not here. Listen to this bozo,” Doug then added, “He’s preaching on Revelation, and trying to match up the symbolism with some actual historical timeline.” Don was suspicious of such speculative literalism, but his mother had always liked this evangelist so Don found their mocking humor hard to stomach. He also wondered, given that it was a Sunday on a seminary campus, why they could not find a more positive religious focus. The fact that he was sitting behind and off to one side of the three of them, and didn’t feel like joining in, left Don feeling like the odd man out. Eventually Doug, noticing how quiet and serious he was, glanced back at him and teasingly remarked, “Don, you look worried that the end of time really is about to come.” “No,” Don said forcing a smile, “just stayed up too late last night studying.” As the other three went back to mocking the evangelist, Don felt increasingly uncomfortable. Finally realizing the situation’s futility, he got up and remarked, “I think I am going to catch up on some reading, I will see you guys later.” Without turning around Doug yelled after him, “See you, Don.” Even though Don suspected there were other students on campus that he might have more in common with, this experience reinforced the feeling Don had that he was a misfit on campus. Don would not visit Doug’s room again.

November and December of that fall semester had passed without incident and the Christmas holidays were fast approaching. Don had opted to remain on campus over the holidays. The new semester started mid-January. Not feeling like he fit in at the seminary, or back home anymore, Don wondered if he would fit in anywhere. Trying to focus on the positive, or at least the constructive, Don decided in preparation for two of his spring semester’s courses, Philosophy of Religion and Systematic Theology, to buy the textbooks for the courses and start reading them.

A small minority of students, mostly international students, also remained on campus over the break. Tom’s grandparents had invited Don over for Christmas dinner. He felt some guilt over leaving his father alone during the holidays, but took comfort in the fact that even if he had been with his father, they would have interacted very little. His father’s primary focus would be, as usual, the TV and the beer he would be guzzling. Don had run into Wendy numerous times on campus: at the library, in the cafeteria, walking across the quadrangle. She always seemed to be open to talking with him, but did so in a slightly flirty teasing way that seemed to show interest in Don while keeping him at a distance at the same time. Don resolved to ask her out on a date to test the matter, but before he could work up the courage, she always, perhaps sensing his next move, hinted that she was in a rush to get somewhere. Still he felt strongly attracted to her and rationalized that her academic drive and discipline left her little time to invest in any relationship.

The break went by quickly. Don had gone to the university bookstore and bought a few best-selling historical biographies. He ended up, for the most part, reading them in place of the textbooks for his upcoming classes in theology and philosophy. The break had become a time to indulge his introverted side, which, coupled with his increasing tendency to withdraw since the accident, made for even longer periods where he either watched TV or read. At one point he was watching the serial TV drama Dallas in the first-floor student lounge when three Eastern Orthodox students from Eastern Europe came in and joined him. They had full beards, wore conical black hats, and long flowing black gowns. Their laughing, friendly manner put Don at ease. Though their thick accents made it difficult for Don to understand much of what they said, he had no trouble understanding them when in a burst of laughter, they would turn to Don and say, pointing at the TV, “This is JR.”

Don had also run into what appeared to be one very quiet young Asian woman in the library vending room, whose vending machines offered coffee, as well as an assortment of snacks. The room also had a number of small tables, with chairs around them, where students taking a break could sit. The young woman always seemed to be sitting by herself and seemed to interact with other students even less than himself. Don had said hello to her as he waited behind her to put money into the coffee machine. He had slowly become a coffee addict during his first year at the community college, and was drinking up to six or seven cups a day. After saying hello to her he had joked about his addiction. She had flashed a shy smile his way as she glanced back at him. At the time Don assumed she was an international student. She must know English, Don told himself, or she wouldn’t have been able to study at the seminary, but maybe, he speculated, she has low confidence in her ability to speak it fluently, or a thick accent makes her hard to understand.

With fewer students on campus during the break, particularly at the library and in the vending room, Don had taken more notice of her. She always seemed to be by herself, but Don had been reluctant to initiate any further contact given what he had assumed would be communication difficulties. Don had noticed that even when she sat with other students at the cafeteria, she did not seem to be engaged much in the conversations. He began to wonder if language and cultural barriers had made her feel like an outsider at the seminary. He felt a strange empathy for her despite their very different backgrounds. He would always smile and nod at her when he saw her, and she would smile back in the same shy way. Don continued to think of Wendy and hoped to find just the right future time and occasion to work up the courage to ask her out. As the holiday break passed and the new semester began new opportunities would be presenting themselves.