Читать книгу The Tsar's Dwarf - Peter H. Fogtdal - Страница 15

THE TSAR HAS FINALLY ARRIVED IN DENMARK.

Not to Copenhagen, but to a town on the island of Falster. He has refused to spend the night in the city’s castle. Instead, he has settled for fishcakes and a bed in a tavern.

All this I hear as I lower myself into the cake.

I have been drenched with perfume. My hair has been ludicrously curled by a French-speaking chatterbox. The shoes that they’ve put on my feet are made of tiger skin, the stockings are red like scarlet fever. I look like the world’s smallest whore.

I’m even more nervous and irritable than usual. Dwarves have breasts; we are adults, not children. That’s why the dress is too tight. But now I’m inside the cake, down in the sugary darkness where I’m supposed to stay until they knock on the wall.

They’ve built a staircase that I can climb. They’ve also bored a hole in the side so that I can breathe and look out of the cake. I’m sweating and trying not to crumple my speech. The Russian words are teasing me, vanishing from my head.

It’s important that I arouse jubilation.

The tsar is known to be lacking in humor, but if he likes me, I’ll be allowed to entertain him during his stay. Although no one knows what might please the tsar. No one knows what goes on inside a human being.

THEY PUT ON the lid, and the world disappears. I sit down on the bottom of the cake. There is very little space, even for a dwarf. Soon my back is aching, and my legs start to fall asleep. I try to change position, but it’s difficult, very difficult.

“You can breathe?”

The master of ceremonies is speaking. It’s not really a question. It’s a command.

The footmen lift up the monstrosity. Off in the distance I hear muted sounds: laughter, music, the baying of a dog. The plan is for me to jump up when I hear a knock, but I’m afraid that I won’t hear the signal.

We start climbing upstairs. The cake shakes violently. I hit my head on the side. I wonder once again how a cake like this is made. Are the onion cupolas edible? Isn’t it blasphemy to devour a church? Perhaps the Muscovites will be offended to have God’s house end up in their bellies. You never know with foreigners; it’s not easy to understand them.

I stick my hand under the dress fabric to scratch myself. I keep on scratching, back and forth, while I worry about how ridiculous I look in this rigged-up garment. I hate the stomacher and the patterns. The dress has been sewn according to the newest fashions, but that doesn’t make it any more comfortable to wear.

Outside the footmen come to a halt. I try peeking through the hole, but I see only the silk jacket of a footman.

“…delayed in there…”

“…the eighth toast to the tsar…”

It’s Callenberg’s voice, containing a fair amount of irritation—the sort of irritation that fills a human being when he can’t control the world. At the same instant a cannonade is heard from the castle courtyard, followed by another. Then the doors to the hall are opened. The footmen march in with the cake. The orchestra starts playing a festive piece of music. I heard brass, flutes, and fiddles, and I feel a rare sense of peace in my soul. I have made a decision.

Finally the marzipan cake stops moving. The music ceases. The moment has arrived. Someone knocks three times on the wooden lid of the cake. The sounds fade away in the hall. Someone knocks again, this time using his fists. Then the lid is lifted off the cake. A flood of light streams over me. Slowly I stand up, trying to shake some life into my legs and the rest of my body. Then I cautiously peer over the edge.

The hall is bathed in the light from thousands of candles. The tables are adorned with fresh branches and flowers from the orangerie. Everywhere are elaborate dishes and arrangements of fruit, along with sumptuous golden goblets. The fine folk are dressed in damask and magnificent robes. At the far end of the hall stands a pavilion where six musicians are seated, dressed in colorful garb.

Everyone is staring at me. Everyone is waiting.

I catch sight of the king. Frederik IV is sitting on a throne at the end of the table, wearing a dark green robe festooned with medals and orders and sashes. An enormous powdered wig makes his face look as if it’s drowning in curls. Against my will, tears fill my eyes. I have never seen His Majesty before. I am touched, but astonished. Frederik looks anything but divine. He’s small, almost dwarflike, with heavy eyelids, and his skin is pockmarked. He radiates both gentleness and rigidity at the same time.

His Majesty’s eyes rest heavier on me than anyone else’s. I have an urge to fly up the stairs and throw myself at his feet. At that moment I catch sight of Callenberg and the master of ceremonies. They are angrily gesturing for me to jump out of the cake and stop staring at the guests. The guests are supposed to be staring at me.

But I find the situation quite pleasant. I take pleasure in staring at the king of Denmark and Norway; at his gloved hand that is clenched on the table; at the impatient line of his lips dividing his face in two; at his eyelids that make him seem as melancholy as a dachshund.

I am enjoying this moment, even though I hadn’t expected to enjoy it. And I hope that it will go on.

MY GAZE MOVES onward to the Queen of Denmark—to the dour, morose Queen Louise, who looks as mournful as I had expected. She has small, squinting eyes and a bitter mouth. She’s looking down at the table as her hand plays nervously with a heavy string of pearls. But my eyes don’t stop there. My gaze moves onward to the tallest man in the hall—to the only one who has cast aside his wig and who towers beneath a painting of a former king. The tall man is sitting two seats away from Frederik. Not for a moment do I doubt that this is the tsar of Moscow.

Peter Alexeyevich regards me with curiosity. He is a big man with a small head. His eyes are black, a big mole adorns his right cheek, and he sports a thin mustache. Peter’s shoulders are narrow, but his chest is broad and manly. The Muscovite is not as elegantly dressed as the others. He’s wearing a burgundy suit with ugly patches, but he’s a handsome cavalier. And unlike the others in the hall, he is completely sober.

At that instant a chamberlain grabs me by the hair.

I snarl with fright, but all I can do is follow my hair up the stairs on the cake. A gasp passes through the crowd because I’m standing before the king, the queen, and the tsar without a stitch of clothing on.

My skin is wrinkled and pale. My breasts droop pitifully. Boils cover every inch of my small body. Entire families of crabs live in my pubic hair. My bowed legs are crooked and scarred from an old pox. I’m as unsightly as a dwarf can be—if someone is of the opinion that dwarves are unsightly.

The chamberlain lets go of my hair, and the master of ceremonies stares at me in shock. Utter silence in the hall.

I put my hands on my hips.

“Dobro pozhalovat’. Vashe…vashe velichestvo…”

I stop. The tsar stares. At that instant a Muscovite tosses a plum at me. The hall awakes from its torpor. Merriment spreads, and I stare at these dastardly wretches who have already made the vomit basins foam. The Muscovite is on his feet, and he keeps on throwing things at me. The flesh of one plum has landed on my left cheek and another on my right shoulder. At first I don’t know what to do. The plums hurt. I jump down from the church roof and land on top of a regiment of marzipan soldiers. Soldiers, sleighs, and snowdrifts are crushed beneath my dwarf feet, squishing like cakes between my toes.

Silence falls over the hall.

Again.

Everyone turns to the tsar to see how he’ll react. The tsar regards me with an inscrutable expression—an expression that no one can decipher.

Then I begin to dance. I stick my wrinkled buttocks in the air, as if they were silken cushions. I take a few fancy dance steps, back and forth, just like the fine folk do. Callenberg is giving the king a desperate look, but Frederik is just as difficult to read as the tsar. I keep on with my frivolous dance, spreading my legs, twirling around like a top, as I sing a bawdy drinking song.

Now a footman comes storming toward me. I jump down from the cake and run between the tables. Many of the guests start to cheer; others jump up onto their chairs to avoid the naked dwarf. I crawl my way past the knee-high stockings and the corsets, as fast as my crooked legs will carry me.

Three fierce footmen chase after me. I evade them by slipping between the legs of several countesses and crawl out on the other side of the table. But as I’m about to get to my feet, I’m picked up by unknown hands.

I kick and I bite. At that moment I discover that I’m looking into the eyes of the tsar of the Muscovites. For an instant my heart stands still, because Peter’s eyes are the most peculiar eyes that I’ve ever seen. They are dark holes, compelling and inquiring, but not alarming. On the contrary. Everything can be seen in those eyes. Everything.

Peter holds me away from his face and stares at me, as if trying to read all my secrets. Then he tilts his head back and he laughs. The laughter makes his whole body shake—his narrow shoulders and his chest. To my astonishment, I discover that he has tears in his eyes.

“You are the most hideous dwarf I have ever seen,” he says in German.

I blush. And then the tsar kisses me on the lips. After that he hands me to another Muscovite, who kisses me in the same fashion. I look down at my body, at the boils and the big scars, and I clench my teeth.

It’s all over.

Some distance away I see the master of ceremonies approaching like a wolf, but Peter waves him off. Then he reaches for me again and swings me back and forth, as if I were his firstborn child. And as if by magic, the musicians strike up a merry tune, and the footmen begin cutting into the huge cake.

“You are very naughty,” the tsar says to me.

I nod sheepishly. I like the tsar’s eyes. I like the way he smells of tar and salt water. The tsar is a man, and wenches like men.

At that moment a cannonade is heard from the castle courtyard.

The tsar continues to talk to me, this time in Russian. Then he tosses me up toward the ceiling and hands me to another Muscovite, who laughs just as raucously.

And in that manner I make my way around the table. People kiss me and stick their hands between my legs and pour aquavit down my throat from enormous goblets. For a long time I’m the focus of the entire hall.

When I’m no longer a novelty, the hands of footmen carry me out. I’m dizzy from the liquor. The only thing I want to do is throw up. We pass several paintings resplendent with opulent baskets of fruit. I shut my eyes as I sail past Flemish pears and heavy gilt frames.

At one point everything goes black, and I fall sound asleep in my own vomit. I have no idea where I am.