Читать книгу To Be Taken With Salt. Being an Essay on Teaching One's Grandmother to Suck Eggs - Peter McArthur - Страница 4

Table of Contents

Having been at various times a wayfarer on the world’s highways I presently thought it advisable to ask for my bill at the hotel in which I had found shelter. The initial cost of my rooms was expressed in reasonable terms of shillings, and my meals did not go beyond the capacity of decent frugality, but to my colonial ears there were untold possibilities of bankruptcy in the excessive politeness to which I was subjected. Under ‘The Maple leaf forever to be treated so deferentially by my fellow subjects, would have cost much fine gold, with the added weight of a title at the front of my name, and a trail of important initials behind.

‘Touching an electric button.’

Touching an electric button, I exercised my patience until a waiter was at leisure to attend my summons. When he finally appeared I said in my most unconcerned manner,

‘Tell the clerk that I should like to have my bill, please.

‘Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?

‘A sovereign voter and free citizen of the greatest Empire the world has ever known.

‘Nothing else, I replied curtly.

‘No, sir? Thank you, sir. And he bowed himself out.

‘And this, I thought to myself, ‘is a sovereign voter and free citizen of the greatest Empire the world has ever known. There are surely some things for me to learn myself, whatever I may have in mind about teaching my grandmother.

My meditations were interrupted by the return of the waiter with the bill. He handed it to me on a silver tray, then stood before me bowing.

A brief glance convinced me that one of the things I was to learn was at that moment being presented. Rallying from the shock, I said;

‘When I have had time to look this over and have checked off the items, I shall ring for you again.

‘With a bow to every syllable.’

‘Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. And with a bow to every syllable that aroused my admiration for the flexibility of his spine, and gave me a new light on Shakespeare’s phrase, ‘Crook the pregnant hinges of the knee, he retired.

‘Pleasantly diversified career.’

In a moderately long and pleasantly diversified career, I have seen much to admire in the way of financial operations, but that bill surpassed them all. On the narrow foundation of a room charge of ten shillings and sixpence a day, the ingenious clerk had reared a brilliant superstructure of ‘extras that made it something to strike admiration to the heart of a plutocrat.

Everything that I had hitherto regarded as a necessity was set down as an ‘extra and the whole was made top-heavy with the few luxuries I had allowed myself. But I suddenly realised that this bill was more than the shadow of a financial crisis. It was an economic revelation. I saw that in England everything except the fundamental fact of life is ‘extra.

While the intellectual enjoyment I derived from this discovery somewhat softened the blow I realized the necessity for prompt action.

Not wishing to show my ignorance of the customs of the country by attempting to discuss the details with the clerk, I rang for the waiter though well knowing that every bow would cost me a penny three farthings, and every ‘Yes, sir, Thank you, sir, would be added to the bill at twopence each.

‘Did you ring, sir? Thank you, sir. I thought so, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

‘Stop, I cried desperately, throwing a couple of bank notes on top of the wonderful bill and handing it to him.

‘Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. And he bowed himself out. As nearly as I could determine he was still bowing and saying, ‘Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, all the way down the stairs.

Presently he returned with my change, and stood bowing. Hastily giving him a handful of shillings, I started towards the door, but soon found that the worst was still before me. Two chambermaids, the housekeeper, several waiters whom I had permitted to touch their fore-locks to me, an indefinite number of hall-boys, the boots and representatives from the kitchen and bar were disposed gracefully along the walls with their palms extended invitingly. Realising that my mission would be at an end if I paused to parley with them, I assumed my haughtiest air and walked pompously down the length of the hall to the street, while they were all saying ‘Thank you, sir, but with oh! how different an intonation.

‘Thank you, sir, but with oh! how different an intonation.

After walking about for some time to recover my nervous control, I secured a room in the house of a lady who had once known better days, and had my trunks removed to it.

She had not looked forward to taking lodgers, but the rates and taxes was so ’igh and her ’usband had had financial reverses so she was obliged to ’elp out in this way. Her story affected me deeply, as also did that of the maid who attended to my boots, and who assured me that she had not been born to work like this.

These humble confessions recalled to me the painful fact that everyone with whom I had enjoyed conversation since my arrival in London, had once known better days. A club man with whom I had dined had told me in a burst of vinous confidence of the ancient splendours of his family and assured me that his youthful days had been spent far from the defiling haunts of trade. In a similar way an omnibus driver who was pointing out the glories of the city—which seemed to be due chiefly to great men long since dead—expatiated sadly on the charms of a ‘pub. he once owned Hup ’Ampstead way.

‘His youthful days had been spent far from the defiling haunts of trade.

The cumulative effect of all these confidences was to make me fear that perhaps my good grandmother had also known her best days and I felt it was now high time for me to be up and doing something definite in the way of fulfilling my mission.