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Rice The mage’s evolution in fast-forward.¹⁸

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As an example, the actual journey of the mage’s evolution into a Stalker is described in a playfully earnest manner.19

Naturally, such evolution is not accomplished in a single year…

And, as a Rule, not in just one Life…

…and few ever traverse it, for not all of Magic’s jests go down well in the tender Organism of a young and overly self-assured Mage…

…but let us not brood over gloomy things…

Thus—the Magician's evolution—on fast-forward, of course.

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As someone who’s occasionally cast Spells—in other words, a minor practitioner—I can offer you information of absolutely indisputable veracity.

For example, let us consider a classic case:

You are a Mage; she is a Princess. But she mustn’t be just a Princess—she has to be head over heels in love with you.

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Rice. Charge, my cuirassiers!²⁰

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1. Right then, quick and dirty, let’s whip up some magic in a way that’s anything but childish…

Spells are cast however you fancy! Or is it ‘are being cast’? Who cares—let’s dance!

Everything those wizened elders of Magic say is absolute drivel! They don’t understand a thing themselves, and—blast it—won’t let anyone else in on the secret either…

Nooooow… a cavalry charge liiike—

RRRRRRАААААААZZZZZZzzzсссссссссссссс

…tfffaffa…

…tffffiiififi…

…ММММММММmmmmm…

Damn. ннннннннннOh, the agony!!!

What on earth was that?!

How many teeth did that send flying!..

I wonder, in general—how do princesses feel about the gap-toothed and ever-so-slightly, entirely toothless?

I clearly need to cast a Spell of dazzling, all-bewitching attraction to charm every princess, of all races, ages, and nations…

Well, all right, perhaps not quite everyone… and never mind, not everywhere—let's say, that particular princess…

Maybe not dazzling, but, damn it—enchantiiiiingеееееее!!!

Honestly, at least some of my teeth are still more or less in place…

Maybe before I lose every last tooth, guys, it'd be wiser to visit a dentist, hmm?

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Rice Swings are not just for the kindergarten playground.²¹

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2. According to the first point, for those who survived by following point 1, it may be delicately hinted that, perhaps, it’s wise to rhyme your Spells.

So that it all rolls over the target in waves, you see—rather like the sea itself.

Incidentally, this is precisely what the Law of Rhythm, as set forth in the Tablets, proclaims.

This does nothing to diminish the magical backlash, but it does render it altogether more pleasant and familiar.

In other words, the backlash no longer splits you in half like a hapless smelt, but instead pleasantly flattens and rolls you out across the pentacle. And honestly, the pattern of blood spatter on the walls is far more elegant than after those who followed the first step…

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Blast, that’s RIGHT—I should’ve done it all in rhyme…

Now, that's poetry; now, that's what I call love…

Even the shameless cat is getting affectionate now…

Though, for some reason, she's affectionate with everyone indiscriminately…

The Princess smiles… she smiles…

She's definitely smiling at the wrong thing, that fool…

She needs a stronger enchantment—like this…

Hit her with five-foot iambs, then she won't escape…

Absolutely…

Ooooo—how marvelous that feels…

So, what's at the end, anyway?

The Princess?

Nope—'Princess' doesn't rhyme!

Blast, how did I not notice at once that ‘princess’ just doesn’t rhyme?

If I don’t urgently say something in rhyme, the magical backlash wiааааааааааррррррррll split me right in two, aаааааааnd throw me to the sprats!!!!!…

Just look at all the magic swirling around here…

I must urgently say something in rhyme…

What did I just say????…

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Upppsss… that wasn’t me!

Nooooo—truly, nobly, it wasn’t meee…

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Too late… (Mozart’s ‘Requiem’ now swells, grand and haunting—standard Mage marker spell has officially triggered)22

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Rice Egregores are not chosen! It is the Egregores who do the choosing! Which is primary? Which is secondary? These debates have lasted for eternity…²³24

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3. For those who, in the spirit of true theory, have dared to try not only the first point but the second as well—staggering and cursing all the while—have been heard to say, 'Honestly, a little warning would have been nice; they don't make pants like this anymore, so what am I supposed to wear now…'

It may be delicately noted that casting Spells solely on personal power is rather tiring.

Besides, nobody really does it that way anymore.

Well, unless it’s in battle, when all the Wands and magic wands have already been spent, and enemies keep stubbornly crawling into the crosshairs of the Sight.

And in general, that’s usually called profanity.

However, in the shadowy corridors of the Academy of Magic, it’s said that all the good stuff is done not by the one uttering the Spell, but on behalf of their Astral ‘roof’ (or basement, depending on your taste in interior design).

So, after scratching your still-smoldering (thanks to points 1 and 2) head, you hastily flip through the catalogue of Astral roofs, basements, and quaint little mezzanines.

A proper shed is selected in Magonia.25

And next time, having practiced in advance shouting the name of the Astral ‘roof’ and already sensing an ill omen…

…having chosen their most unnecessary trousers, and, after some deliberation, the slippers as well, those still able to stand and amount to anything – proceed to the next stage… proceed…

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Rice Make way for the Padishah’s Elephants! An ancient fresco, speckled with the DNA splatters of an unknown hero.²⁶

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4. Well, damn, they don’t proceed anymore—those were the old days! Bli—нннннннNNNNNNN, what a dazzling roll across the pentacle! Right through all five dimensions!!!

Whoever said in the third point that magical backlash can flatten you down to your very boots – KIDS, ALL OF THEM!!!!!

But when the Astral roof falls on you, it really flattens you—instantly and forever,

You immediately realize that not only have you understood, but you’ve truly felt, just how terribly wrong you were in the first, second, and *especially* the first point!

Did I already mention that?

So then, what was that item again?

You’ll have to do the counting yourselves now, yes…

I’m perfectly happy as I am—a meaty, steaming pancake, sprawled on a freshly printed, wall-mounted, bloodied rug…

Casually boxing with the floor, the ceiling, and—wait for it—the asphalt…

…hold on, where did asphalt even come from? …they haven’t even invented asphalt yet!

…ah well, never mind, to hell with the asphalt!

…so, after about two or three liters of smeared blood and snot, you start to suspect, however faintly, that, well, something might have been overlooked!

It seems as though something vital is missing! What on earth could it be?

But there’s nothing to be done, and so you proceed to the next point— …

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Rice Just like that! And tie it tighter! Tighter! With a blowtorch! And don’t forget the paid insurance, as always—three copies!²⁷

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5. …ммммммммMMMMM…

…aaaaАААААААА…

… (indecipherable mutterings, moans, sobs, hysterical mad laughter, and the rapid footsteps fading into the distance) …

But the Organism gets its way; that scoundrel just wants to live, and you understand, damn it—never!

NEVER, for the love of all that’s absurd, will you ever find yourself behind the wheel of this vacuum cleaner…

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Well, or almost never.

And you definitely won't be getting up—turns out that Earth hits back rather painfully when you fall flat on your face…

Well, maybe you’ll just lie down… for example, in Kremer’s bathtub…28

And really—why am I always the one stuck taking the fall for everyone?!

Do we even have a fellowship of kindred spirits, or is that just a myth? Let them do some work for a change!

WHYYYYY am I the only one slaving away for everyone, like some kind of cursed wretch?!

Look at all these certified slackers idling about with nothing to do!

Alright, everyone, gather round for a quick briefing—briefed, signed the safety ledger, reviewed the spell texts, then off you scamper to the Kremer baths…29

…one, two, three-E-E-EEE… all together now (mind the language! It’s a spell for the ages, and heaven help our descendants translating the swears in the chronicles!) – ApplооооооооiiED—LIIIIIVED!!!

Just look at how beautifully they’re lying there!

Not a twitch! True professionals, every last one!

Why, they look almost uncannily alive!

You could slip their photos into a textbook this very instant—under the chapter 'Group Catastrophes with Fatal Outcomes,' subsection: 'Where It’s Thin, That’s Where It Tears…'

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I tried that approach a good dozen times or so (I was desperately eager to bewitch a certain comely princess from some rather ramshackle empire).

Everyone wanted to (well, at least while they were still among the living, naturally).

You start to think that maybe, for the sake of reliability, one ought to duplicate every piece of the system. Stabilize the channel—starting at about three corpses, er, I mean, mages per channel.

Or whatever happens to be around as a reality anchor…

…………………

HurraaaAA— not everyone died after the Spell was cast!!!

True, half the mountain range got blown away and the island's a bit askew now, but that's trivial—the main thing is, the Princess is in love!

…True, the Princess loves everyone en masse (the minx!), without troubling herself over details, but that's a mere trifle—a minor side effect.

But now we may proceed to the next matter…

…precisely, see, I still remember how to count—marvelous, isn’t it!

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Rice True heroes always keep to the ski trail³⁰

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6. In fact, if one truly thinks about it… and, quite honestly, by point six thinking becomes inevitable…

…lo and behold, the same is written on clay tablets…well, inscribed…were inscribed…

…two thousand years ago…

…before our era…

…before people, that is…

…dragons…

…those who remain…

…because we never did finish learning properly, and so we couldn’t fly away to other worlds…

…pfft, I’m completely and utterly tangled up now…

…well, in the end, it turns out none of this matters!

…so here’s the point—why go through all the trouble of making your own apple? There are plenty lying around already!

The main thing is to be there at the right time, in the right place…

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Look over there—yet another Princess (or at least, that’s what she thinks) is crossing the street!

Oh my, what an elegant turn of the ankle on those stilettos!

Right in front of a speeding KamAZ truck!!!31

And here I am, so dashing, all heroic—on a white drago…

Ugh, seriously, are there even dragons nowadays?—on a white hor…

Ugh, not that either! …white, white… white what, exactly?

…ah—turns out I’m an orderly, in a white… coat…

Noooo—it’s too late to be an orderly now! She’s not the same Princess anymore—who even wants her now, all banged up…

In white… white… but what sort of white, exactly? Ah—in a white Mercedes! Of course—how elegantly I maneuvered it into the path of the KamAZ and rescued the Princess!

That’s it!!!

Well—now the Princess owes me a life debt!

…oh, just imagine how much she owes me now—she’ll be paying it off for five years at the very least!

Nеееееее —that’s covert violence! That’s practically a crime! The Guardians never ever forgi-i-i-ive…

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Alright, I’ve finally decided—I’ll be in the white KamAZ myself!

I, for heaven’s sake, cranked the wheel as hard as I couldааааааааand went straight into the wall… the white one…

…which is why the KamAZ is now white… but who cares…

But now the Princess is dazzling me with her blue spotlights!!!

…as if I were the one and only, incomparable grandfather of our grandchildren together!!!

There you have it – this is LOVE!

…goal achieved… and hardly any magical backlash at all…

…though, to be honest, the KamAZ isn't entirely convinced about the lack of backlash…

…what's left of the KamAZ…

…but really, who’s going to ask him all that much anyway?

…the KamAZ itself, you know…

After honing your skills in step six, trading in a couple (or maybe three) prettier princesses, and amassing a modest private fleet of assorted machinery, the next logical method for reducing magical backlash presents itself:

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Rice Chip dashes off to his Gadget.³²

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7. No magic needed—there’s a whole ocean of princesses as it is…

At least one of them is yours…

Especially if you saved her…

Or if she saved you…

Honestly, it makes no real difference—the main thing is to clear out one side, and after that, the current finds its own way.

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So, let us, with a dash of mischief, summarize the stages of a mage’s evolution into a stalker. Let us, as they say, conduct a brief inventory:

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