Читать книгу Pieces of My Life - Rachel Dann - Страница 9
ОглавлениеThe news that we’ve decided to go travelling is met with varying degrees of enthusiasm by our respective families.
Harry’s parents think it’s all marvellously exciting and jolly good fun. They’ve travelled all over the place, of course, and even lived in New York for a year when they first got married. A long Sunday afternoon passes with Harry and his dad hunched over a map of South America spread out on the kitchen table, saying things like ‘You could catch a direct flight to Cusco then hike south along the Inca trail’ and ‘If you can stay on the road until February you could make it to Rio for carnival season’, while Harry’s mum and I sit and make polite conversation over the Marks & Spencer biscuit selection.
I know my own family will have rather more realistic concerns, such as what will happen with our jobs and the house and whether we’ll come back alive. I don’t relish the thought of telling them at all, but after a fortnight has gone by and we’ve practically finished packing up our belongings, had all our travel injections and even persuaded our mortgage company to let us off the hook for three months (I don’t know what Harry told them, but decided the fewer questions asked, the better), I know I can’t put it off any longer. Before our scheduled Sunday dinner at my mother’s house, I phone my sister, Chloe, to test the waters.
‘Aren’t you a bit old for that sort of thing?’ she squeals indignantly, making the eight-year age gap between us sound like a whole generation. Chloe is in her final year studying drama at uni in London, but goes home almost every weekend to our mother and her father Steve’s house, to consume the entire contents of their fridge, do her laundry, and help herself to any clothes lingering in my old bedroom. I have deliberately timed our visit to coincide with one of these weekends, in the hope that her chaotic presence might somehow distract Mum from the bombshell Harry and I plan to drop.
‘If by that sort of thing you mean broadening our minds, experiencing new cultures and possibly even discovering career opportunities in the international field, then I would tell you age knows no boundaries,’ I reply smugly. I’m quite pleased with that one. Harry would be proud of me.
‘But… I thought you were desperate to get up the duff?’ Chloe sounds confused, as if she is trying to process some kind of new and unwelcome reality. ‘Knitting tiny woollen socks, swallowing tons of folic acid, keeping a spreadsheet of your ovulatory cycle…’ She trails off, sounding desolate.
I don’t know what to say.
‘It’s not actually a spreadsheet… just a notebook. And I don’t even know how to knit.’
The silence extends on the line between us.
‘Mum’s going to go totally mad, you know.’
‘Yeah. How’s she been lately?’
Chloe breathes an exaggerated sigh down the phone. ‘Worse than ever. She’s just watched some documentary about this kid in America who hacked the Pentagon computer system from his basement – you know, one of those nerd types – anyway, she’s going round making us all change our laptop passwords and close our internet banking accounts and amend our Facebook privacy settings. Driving everyone fucking potty, even Dad.’
I try to imagine patient, docile Steven losing his temper with Mum. Of everyone in the family, he is undoubtedly the most tolerant of her incessant anxiety.
‘Oh dear, it must be pretty bad this time.’
‘Yep. So good luck telling her you’re going backpacking. You’re basically dead.’
‘Well, let’s see about that, shall we?’ Just imagining my mother’s reaction floods me with annoyance and a new, perverse determination to plough on with our travel plans whatever the cost.
‘Sis?’ Chloe sounds unexpectedly serious. Well, more serious than usual. I notice the sudden absence of TV noise in the background, too.
‘What?’
‘Are you… do you really want to do this? Go off travelling? It’s just…’ She trails off awkwardly, not sounding at all like my carefree little sister. ‘Well, I’m guessing Harry’s behind it all, right? It must have been his idea.’
I feel myself bristle defensively at this. Must have been his idea. What does my whole family think I am, some kind of sheep? I realise I’m gritting my teeth and clasping the phone tightly. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Nothing, sis, sorry, I just meant… well, you should do what you want to do, you know?’
I feel a further flush of defensiveness zip through me. ‘Of course I want to go. Otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it, would I?’ The phone receiver is already halfway towards its base. ‘See you at six.’
Maybe it had been Harry’s idea. And admittedly, grabbing a backpack and trotting off to see ancient Inca ruins had hardly been on my top-ten list of things-to-do-before-you’re-thirty. But, as much as Harry’s impulsive plan had taken me by surprise, almost as soon as I’d agreed to it I began to feel a little spark of excitement ignite inside me. Hadn’t I always, secretly, felt a little like I was missing out when I heard others talk about their travel experiences? And it was only three months… why not make the most of it, see some more of the world, safe in the knowledge that my dream of starting a family would still be possible when I come back?
It might not have been my idea, but if we were going to do this, I was going to make it my trip, too.
So I started researching destinations on the internet. It began with a casual google on my phone during the long train journey home, but I got increasingly drawn in to reviews, blogs and stories of exotic creatures, jungle hikes, mountaintop camp fires and tantalising local cuisine.
I bought an updated version of the Ecuador, Peru and Bolivia travel book, and found myself staying up later and later each night, underlining and folding down corners and writing in margins. A scribbled wish list began to take shape on the final page, with places I’d never heard of until a few weeks ago gradually coming to life and clamouring for my attention as I jotted down place names, addresses and ideas.
Yet, even as my excitement and anticipation about the trip had gained momentum, Harry seemed increasingly distracted as the countdown to our departure began. Distracted… and, if I’m honest, downright grumpy and difficult.
‘I want to try humitas,’ I told him one night as he climbed into bed beside me. ‘There’s this café in the old town in Quito, Ecuador – it had the best reviews in your old guidebook, and it’s still here in the new version I bought – look.’
Harry had been quite insistent that we begin our voyage in Ecuador. Something about it being nice and central with easy overland connections to the rest of the region. I hadn’t minded, as it was all uncharted territory for me – like choosing between Mars or Saturn or Jupiter for your first space voyage. But after reading more about each place on our sketchy itinerary, I felt I actually had something to contribute to our plans.
‘They’re like steamed corn cakes with a cheese filling – apparently really traditional in Quito and the highlands,’ I persevered, still holding the guidebook aloft across the bed, where Harry hadn’t taken it from me. ‘And this café has its own unique recipe, passed down through generations, along with other typical Ecuadorian food and live music… I’d really like to go there.’
‘Christ, you sound like some sort of tour guide,’ Harry muttered, slumping back on the pillows and reaching for his phone. ‘Can’t you give the planning a break for a bit?’
Smarting, I turned to stare at him, letting the guidebook flop closed on top of the duvet beside me. With the light already out, only Harry’s profile was visible, illuminated in the light from his phone, suspended above his face.
‘Harry… what the—? Why are you being like this?’ I tried to keep the hurt out of my voice, determined not to have an argument at a time like this, when we should be pulling together to plan the adventure of a lifetime… shouldn’t we?
‘Can you at least look at me?’ I persevered, my irritation swelling as the flickering light across Harry’s face told me he hadn’t even stopped scrolling through his news feed when I spoke.
A tense silence filled the space between us for a few seconds. Then the light disappeared as Harry dropped his phone and rolled over to embrace me.
‘God, babe, I’m sorry,’ he muttered into my hair. ‘Really sorry. I didn’t mean to be horrible. I don’t know what’s come over me the last few days. I… I’m glad you’re looking forward to the trip so much.’
I felt his arm wrap around me tightly, and listened to his breathing gradually change as he drifted off to sleep. It was so unlike Harry to snap at me like that, I had no problem forgiving him. But another, deeper sense of unease stayed with me as I stared into the darkness… yes, I was looking forward to the trip, more than I had initially ever expected I would. But why was it starting to seem like Harry wasn’t?
The next morning, in the light of day, I reminded myself again that Harry was just really busy. We had so much to sort out before leaving the country, it was understandable he was preoccupied. It’s a big step, I told myself as I took my first sip of coffee and booted up my laptop. I must be patient with him. He’s probably just nervous about leaving his job, and everything else, behind.
Funnily enough, my own feelings of apprehension and nervousness about the journey had seemed to subside with every passing day, as I did more research and had more ideas. One idea in particular had started taking shape in my mind, one that I decided not to even share with Harry. At least, not yet. Almost every travel blog and expat website I came across told stories of volunteer opportunities, some with links to charities and organisations, offering foreign travellers the chance to work with the local community in a colourful variety of ways. I fleetingly recalled the Gap Year Gang at university, and at last began to see their tales of teaching street children or renovating school buildings in a completely different light. For what better way to experience another country than from the inside, living alongside its people, and by giving something back?
So I also began noting down information about volunteer work. There was a women’s refuge in Peru that welcomed foreigners to visit them for the day and give a lesson in English or another language. A children’s charity in Venezuela offering free city tours in exchange for volunteers’ time at their day school.
Could I really do something like that? Even as I scrolled through their websites, I got cold shivers at the thought of standing up in front of a room full of women, or – even worse – an entire class of children.
But, even so, I printed out the information, wrote down the phone numbers, and filed them away in my ever-growing folder of travel ideas. I didn’t have to actually contact them, I consoled myself. But simply having the information to hand made it feel a little less like ‘Harry’s idea’.
As we arrive at Mum and Steve’s that evening, Mum flings open the front door before we’ve even turned the engine off.
‘Sweetie!’ she cries, loud enough for the rest of the street to hear, smothering me in a hug right there on the driveway. ‘I’ve missed you so much. Come inside, I’ve got those chocolate crispy cakes you like!’
I feel a pang of guilt then, thinking of all the weekends over the past few months when Harry and I have chosen to do something else instead of make the two-hour trip up to Essex to see Mum. Whatever Harry says, it’s only really an hour and a half if you leave early on a Saturday morning. As Mum herds us inside the house I tell myself firmly that, once we’re back from our travels, I really will insist on making time to visit her more often.
My remorse is short-lived, however.
‘Do you have internet banking?’ I hear Mum asking Harry as he follows her into the kitchen. ‘If so, you should cancel it, love. It’s dodgy. I’ve been reading about this man who—’
‘Hacked the Pentagon computer systems… yes, I know,’ I snap, more impatiently than I’d intended, as I almost go flying in an attempt to avoid standing on her large black-and-white cat, Chester, spread out inconveniently in the middle of the hallway carpet.
‘I’m serious, Kirsty, it’s not safe. I’ve been reading about it.’
‘Right, Mum, I’m just going to use your toilet…’ I step past her and lock myself gratefully in the sanctuary of her downstairs loo.
What is it about being back in the company of your parents that can turn the most articulate and sensible twenty-something into a stroppy, monosyllabic thirteen-year-old? However much I tell myself before each visit to my mother’s house that this time I really will make an effort to be more patient with her… it’s bizarre how, within five minutes of being in her company, that all goes out of the window and I seem to be propelled back a decade into door-slamming adolescence. I sit on the turned-down toilet lid and stare at the faded, flowery wallpaper, realising glumly that it has happened again – I’ve lost my temper with her before the kettle has even boiled.
In the end, I needn’t have worried about how to break the news. I step out of the bathroom, fixing a determined smile on my face, to find Harry, Steve, Chloe and my mother all gathered in the middle of the kitchen. One glance at my mother’s face tells me the bombshell has already been dropped.
‘But… South America?’ She looks up at me imploringly, as if pleading for it not to be true. ‘Isn’t that where that man escaped from recently – you know, the drugs one, what was his name, Steve? The famous one. Isn’t he on the loose now?’
Steve and Chloe exchange confused glances. I glare at Harry, asking him with my eyes, ‘What happened to telling her over dinner?’
Harry shrugs at me and turns back to Mum. ‘We’ll be very careful, Rosemary,’ he says in his most polite, Responsible Adult tone of voice.
‘Oh, I don’t doubt that, love.’ Mum rubs her hands over her face in a weary gesture. ‘It’s everyone else out there I’m worried about… and they all drive like nutters in places like that. There must be so many traffic accidents.’
‘Come on now, Rosie, let’s get some tea on and then Chloe will lay the table,’ Steve murmurs, simultaneously steering my mother into her armchair and casting a pointed expression at Chloe, who until then has done little but lean against the breakfast bar and watch events unfold with an expression of mild amusement.
Dinner involves a volley of questions about travel insurance, health insurance, emergency contact details, severe weather warnings and earthquake safety protocols.
What feels like a hundred years later, I hug Mum goodbye on the doorstep.
‘Just be careful, love,’ she mutters into my hair.
‘Mum, we’re not even leaving for two more weeks…’ I start to gently pull away from the hug, conscious that Harry is already behind me in the car with the engine running. ‘I’ll see you before then.’
‘I know, but I want to take every chance to tell you to be careful between now and when you leave,’ Mum says, her voice wobbling.
I scowl at Chloe making faces behind us in the hallway, and allow Mum to continue hugging me, patting her on the back and wondering when would be an appropriate time to begin to extricate myself. Finally, with another two or three promises to be careful and to phone her soon, I make my escape.
That just leaves one person.
‘So, how interested do you think he’ll be in our plans, on a scale of totally indifferent to completely uninterested?’ Harry crunches the car to a halt on the little gravel driveway leading up to my father’s cottage.
‘Harry, that doesn’t help.’ I climb wearily out of the car. ‘I need your support here, not sarcasm.’
‘Sorry, babe.’ He squeezes my arm and indicates for me to go first and ring the doorbell. Then, almost to himself, he mutters, ‘I just don’t know why you still care so much what he thinks.’
I don’t really know why I still care either. It would be so much easier not to bother any more. Stop ringing. Just send him a postcard when we get there. But he’s my father… I’m his only daughter. Trying to get him to take an interest in my life is programmed into my DNA. Harry couldn’t possibly understand, with parents who have supported and encouraged him unconditionally in every venture since his first school sports day.
To my surprise, the door swings open almost immediately before my finger has even left the bell.
‘Hi, Dad.’ I step into the hallway and let him pull me into a stiff, awkward half-hug, then move aside to let him shake Harry’s hand. Only then do I notice he is wearing a dark navy suit, his usual reading glasses absent and presumably replaced with contacts, and it strikes me how smart he looks.
Has Dad dressed like that for us? I feel surprisingly touched. I had told him we had some important news, but he didn’t have to go to the trouble of…
‘I’ve got the theatre at seven,’ he informs us, indicating for us to go through to the living room. ‘So, shall we…’ His tone is pleasant enough, but his meaning is clear.
Stupid me. Thinking he’d dressed up for my visit.
The theatre. Of course. I just don’t learn, do I?
Swallowing back my irrational disappointment, I take a seat next to Harry on the plain, brownish-coloured sofa taking up one whole side of the living room, and look up at my father. Other than the suit, he looks exactly as I remember him from the last time we met, however many months ago that was. Tall, imposing, and wearing his habitual slight frown beneath a thick head of pewter-grey hair.
‘Tea?’ he asks, still in the doorway.
‘I don’t drink tea, Dad.’
‘Oh, no, of course… coffee then?’
Both Harry and I nod. Dad disappears into the kitchen, leaving Harry and me sitting in clumsy silence in the living room. I gaze around at the neutral wallpaper and carpet, the nondescript furniture and bare walls, realising that this house could belong to anyone, of any age. Dad has lived here God knows how long yet there is still nothing personal about it, no character, not a single picture or ornament…
Harry turns to me, eyebrows raised. ‘Wait for it.’
I frown at him. ‘Not helping.’
Then Dad’s voice rings out from the kitchen. ‘Kirsty? Harry? Do you take milk? Sugar?’
‘Told you.’
‘Stop it,’ I hiss, then raise my voice. ‘Yes, please – just milk for both!’
I glare furiously at Harry as Dad reappears, bearing two steaming mugs. It’s painful enough to see how little my father knows me, without Harry drawing my attention to that fact even more. I know it’s only because Harry feels defensive on my behalf – he’s often commented he thinks it’s awful how Dad doesn’t make more effort to stay in contact – but even so, I don’t need to be reminded of it.
‘When you phoned, I would have said to come over at the weekend, for dinner, but…’ Dad perches on the armchair opposite me and trails off, obviously realising he doesn’t have a suitable excuse ready before beginning to speak.
‘It’s fine, Dad.’
Coffee can be agonising enough, without dinner as well.
‘So, the reason we’re here…’ Harry says, shifting forward and thankfully taking charge. ‘We’ve actually got something big to tell you.’
‘You’re getting engaged,’ my father says flatly, his eyes trained on the coffee mug in Harry’s hands.
‘What! No!’ I actually jump a little, causing hot coffee to splash on to my hands. ‘We don’t… we’re not getting engaged. I mean, we don’t need to, we’ve got a house and a car and…’ I flail around for something to say, then turn imploringly to Harry, who, to my irritation, is grinning. ‘We’re going travelling for three months to South America,’ I blurt finally. ‘We’ve taken sabbaticals from work, it’s all organised and planned out, we’re going to start in Ecuador then go on to Peru and…’ I stop, realising my father is not even looking at me anymore, his gaze having drifted off to somewhere just above the granite mock-flame fireplace.
‘Dad?’
‘South America?’ He addresses the fireplace. ‘That’s really interesting. Very interesting indeed.’
Harry and I exchange baffled glances.
‘Yes, Dee has been talking about South America a lot – only the other night, in fact, she was looking up tours of the Amazon rainforest – although that was Brazil, if I remember rightly. Fantastic wildlife, unique photographic opportunities, perfect for her career. What a coincidence, eh, Kirsty?’
I haven’t heard anything past ‘Dee’.
‘Who’s Dee, Dad?’
Dad finally seems to snap out of his reverie and see me properly again. ‘You haven’t met her? Oh no… I suppose you haven’t.’ He stops and rubs his hand over the back of his head, looking suddenly a bit embarrassed. ‘I really will make that dinner invitation. Introduce you properly. How about that?’ Then he adds, somewhat randomly, ‘She’s a wildlife photographer.’
It takes me several seconds to force my voice into some sort of coherent reply. ‘Thanks, Dad, that would be nice, but—’
‘But we’re going to be travelling,’ Harry interjects, a noticeable edge in his voice. ‘Which was the reason we came here. To tell you about it before we leave. In two weeks.’
Harry’s tone being impossible to miss, even for Dad, he starts nodding enthusiastically, visibly wrenching his consciousness back to the topic at hand.
‘Ah, yes, of course, well – that’s fantastic. Really good for you. Do it while you’re young, I say…’ He casts his eyes uncomfortably around the room, until they finally come to land on his watch.
Dad was the assistant manager of a big, London-based advertising agency until he retired a couple of years ago, and sometimes I think he needs reminding that an afternoon with his daughter cannot be handled in the same way as a time-critical business meeting.
‘Well, we’ll get going then,’ I say with forced cheerfulness, unable to bear leaving it any longer until Dad actually asks us to leave.
‘Oh! Are you sure?’ Dad pretends to half get up from the armchair. ‘You wouldn’t like another—’
‘No, we’re fine,’ I say firmly, standing up and handing him my half-finished, still-warm mug of coffee, and wiggling my eyebrows at Harry to get up, too. ‘Best to leave early and avoid the traffic. Plus, you’ve got the theatre.’
‘Yes, you’re right. I…’ Dad trails off and follows us out into the hall. ‘Well, good luck with your trip,’ he offers, helping me back into my coat.
‘Thanks, I’ll phone you before we go.’ I smile politely.
We both know I won’t.
‘Yes, and you never know – maybe we’ll come out there and visit you!’ Dad calls after us.
Again, we both know he won’t.
I’ve got one foot out of the front door when Dad’s voice behind me makes me stop.
‘Kirsty?’
I turn back and see him in the hallway, frowning at the floor somewhere near my feet.
‘What, Dad?’
With a visible effort he drags his gaze up to meet mine head-on.
‘I can tell you really want to do this,’ he mutters, looking briefly over my shoulder, presumably to check Harry is not within earshot. He needn’t have worried – Harry’s already got the engine running again, just like at Mum’s. I raise my eyebrows at him, wondering where on earth this is going.
‘But, going abroad isn’t going to solve anything, you know?’
He says it mildly enough, but irritation pulses through me. What does he know about me? How dare he even imply there is anything that needs solving?
‘I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, Dad,’ I reply icily, then jump as Harry impatiently hoots the car horn behind me, ‘but I’ve got to go now.’
***
‘God knows how your Dad has so much luck with the ladies,’ Harry chuckles as we arrive home. ‘Fancy a cuppa?’
I go into the living room and flop exhaustedly on to the sofa. Harry knows I don’t like him joking about my Dad’s love life. Ever since my parents split up – so as far back as I can remember – my father has had a succession of ‘lady companions’ with whom he can go to the cinema, dine at nice restaurants, and even, if last year is anything to go by, take off on a mini-cruise of the Canary Islands without telling anyone. I only found out because Harry saw his photos on Facebook.
I suppose to anyone else my father would seem quite a catch – tall, athletic, still handsome in a gruff sort of way. Good company in any social situation, always the first to get a round of drinks in or tell a joke. I know this because I’ve met the mutual friends of my parents, old neighbours or friends asking after ‘good ol’ David’; I’ve seen the photos of a younger Mum and Dad, laughing together with drinks in hand at some party. I know he actually has a personality. It’s only around me, apparently, that it checks out and goes into hibernation.
You’d think getting a first-class law degree would go some way towards rustling up a little paternal pride – or even interest. When I first graduated, I went through a naïve, optimistic phase of trying to get him to take an interest in my new job at Home from Home.
‘It isn’t just any old admin role,’ I would insist to him, when I first got the job. ‘They were looking for someone with legal knowledge and experience, preferably a graduate. I’m actually lucky to have found a job where my university degree is relevant at all.’
Dad didn’t seem convinced, but I did have a point. The team of solicitors we supported might be the ones actually working face-to-face with our clients – vulnerable people who were often homeless or about to become so, needing legal representation to protect them. But the solicitors couldn’t do that job without us. It might be a legal support job, but in order to do the work you needed a good understanding of legal practice. And even though I rarely got the chance to actually meet our clients in person, it gave me a feeling of fulfilment to know my work was helping people who really needed it. Indirectly, maybe, but it still helped.
‘My point is there are no rules – you don’t have to follow the fixed career path you imagined when you were eighteen and chose a university course,’ I had insisted to my father, the last time we had spoken about the subject properly. That was early last year, and I’d just been promoted to Senior Legal Support. It wasn’t exactly a promotion, partly because I didn’t even have to apply for it, but it did mean a better job title and a slight pay rise. Dad had got my hopes up by actually phoning and inviting me out for a meal that night, after months of silence. But instead of being happy for me he’d spent the evening asking me all sorts of strange, searching questions about my future career plans and goals.
‘Helen Matthews from my final year Commercial Law module ended up opening a dog-grooming parlour and kennels with her boyfriend,’ I told him over dessert, in a last-ditch attempt to get him to see my point of view. ‘And if her Facebook posts are to be believed, business has never been better.’
‘I agree, Kirsty, that it’s fine to change career paths completely to follow a long-standing dream, or try out something new that really appeals to you,’ Dad ruminated, setting down his empty coffee cup and waving immediately for the bill. ‘But I would like you to ask yourself, Kirsty, is that really what you are doing?’
I mean, honestly. What would it have cost him just to say congratulations and crack open a bottle of wine?
After that I gave up. On the rare occasions I saw my father I made sure to steer well clear of the subject of my job, or any detail of my life in general, unless strictly necessary. And he seemed to get the message, because he hadn’t tried to ask me a single thing about my career or future plans since that night. He must have realised this was the best way – limiting our relationship to the superficial, and keeping contact to a minimum.
If I ever think back to that night, I tell myself – what does he know, anyway? He doesn’t know me. He would never remember that the whole reason I chose to study law in the first place was because I wanted to help people.
It had all started with a work-experience placement in my last year of secondary school. We didn’t get much say in where we went, and – to us, then – the teachers’ allocations seemed cruelly random. The girl who got sent to an industrial pet-food factory actually made her mum go in and complain to the Head. Meanwhile, some of my friends hit the jackpot and went to cool places like a newspaper office or the local zoo.
I ended up shadowing a paralegal in a solicitor’s office.
I arrived on my first day fully anticipating the most boring two weeks of my life, stuck in a dusty office with a bunch of middle-aged men talking over my head in legalese while I made them endless cups of tea.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The job did involve some photocopying and filing, of course. But Terry, the flamboyantly camp and surprisingly young legal assistant to the family law team, actually let me shadow him in everything he did and explained it all to me with infinite patience and enthusiasm. The most fascinating parts were the client interviews. I would never have imagined the variety of waifs and strays that pass through a family solicitor’s waiting room every day. People in the most heartbreaking, desperate situations. Fathers separated from their children, daughters searching for their mothers, men facing homelessness after unfair dismissal from work, women battling discrimination or abuse.
I spent an open-mouthed two weeks watching Terry deftly interview each applicant, simultaneously cheering them up and extracting all the necessary information with a series of sensitive yet probing questions, establishing whether or not the solicitors would be able to represent them. I think on more than one occasion he exaggerated the facts to ensure they would.
One man really stuck in my memory. Joel. His surname is long forgotten, but I can still recall every detail of his face, and the desperation written all over it when he first came to Bourne & Bond. He’d just been released from prison after a two-year sentence for drink-driving. He had lost everything – his house, his job, custody of his children. He was appealing for legal support in a court hearing against the local housing authority, who had repeatedly sent his application to the back of the list. And without a stable address – he argued in near-tears during his interview with Terry – he could not secure a job, reopen his bank account, or even take out a mobile phone contract. His life was literally on pause.
Joel was probably only in his early thirties, which seemed really old to me at the time, although on all the subsequent occasions I’ve thought about him, I’ve been conscious of that age looming nearer and nearer in my own future, and its being really very young indeed to lose everything and have to start your life all over again.
He wasn’t the most tragic or desperate case I watched Terry interview during my two-week work experience, nor the most complicated. But something about Joel cemented him in my mind from that moment on. I looked at his face as he begged Terry to take on his case, and I saw an underdog. And, for some reason that I couldn’t quite place, I identified with that.
Joel’s court hearing came up on the penultimate day of my work experience, and I was allowed to attend, albeit under strict instructions not to move from my seat next to Terry in his note-taking role, and not to speak under any circumstances.
He was represented by Tracey, the only female solicitor in the family law team and someone I’d only brushed past a couple of times. Until that day she’d seemed like an unremarkable, greying, forty-something woman with photos of cats surrounding her desk. Not someone I would have remembered after leaving. But that day in court she became my idol. I watched in awe as she tore apart the prosecution’s arguments about Joel being an unreliable candidate for a housing contract, and firmly and eloquently, yet fiercely, presented an array of evidence proving that Joel had got his life back on track, conquered his alcohol problem and deserved a chance to change his future. By the end of her discourse everyone in the room was wholeheartedly convinced by Tracey, including – perhaps most importantly – Joel himself, who sat with tears of gratitude streaming down his face as he was awarded a housing contract then and there. As I watched him shaking Tracey’s hand ecstatically and telling everyone in the room how he was going to change and turn his life around, a realisation about my own future began to take shape.
Nobody paid any attention to the wide-eyed seventeen-year-old sitting in the stands watching events unfold in rapt fascination; but it was that day that really convinced me to pursue a career in law. The next month we had to make our A-level choices and, a year later, university applications.
Of course, with time I realised I was being a little idealistic. A law degree wasn’t all standing up in front of your classmates and reciting passionate arguments to save innocent people from death row. In fact, it involved memorising a lot of obscure clauses and articles in areas that didn’t hold my interest so much, like commercial rights. But I threw myself into it, keeping in mind my reasons for doing it all in the first place. I wanted to defend people. I probably earned myself a reputation for being boring and nerdy all over again, but I told myself all the work would be worth it.
But then, of course, it’s not like you graduate and are immediately out there fighting for people’s rights on international television. There’s the bloody Law Practice Course, obviously, then you need to get years of experience before you can be out there on the front line. So that’s why the job at Home from Home, when it came up, at least seemed like a step towards my ambitions. Relevant experience to be gained in the meantime, until Harry’s and my circumstances changed.
Of course, sometimes I can’t help longing to be part of the team of solicitors directly helping the people who apply for assistance. At times, I find myself loitering by the case files at the end of the day, leafing through the most recent applicant’s papers and reading the arguments put together by the solicitor to defend their case. When I hear of a positive outcome, someone winning an appeal against a landlord and being allowed to stay in their home, even now I still think of Joel.
On a good day, I go home from work feeling I’ve contributed to something important, something that benefits humanity.
Not to mention that a smaller charity like Home from Home is inclined to be far more understanding about maternity leave.
Or a four-month unpaid sabbatical.
After getting my request provisionally approved by my line manager, I had to get it signed off by Angela, Head of Legal and a formidable woman who terrified even the solicitors.
‘South America, eh?’ She peered at me over her dramatic, gold-rimmed glasses, doing her best Devil Wears Prada impression. ‘Backpacking, is it? Or are you more of a – what do they call it – glamping type?’
I blinked at her, not sure what glamping was but not feeling able to admit it.
‘We’re going to do the Inca trail,’ I ended up mumbling, suddenly wondering if this was a terrible mistake and she was going to sack me for my impertinence. And then wondering, to my own surprise, whether that would actually be such a bad thing. ‘The Inca trail and the Andean region. Peru, Ecuador, Venez…’
‘You know, Kirsty,’ Angela interrupted me, obliviously, ‘I have to say that when you asked for this meeting, I was expecting you to talk to me about the Team Leader vacancy.’
The… what?
I remembered seeing something advertised on the internal monthly email bulletin, but it hadn’t really drawn my attention. There didn’t seem much point applying for a minor promotion within Home from Home when I was only going to be there temporarily anyway.
‘In fact, I would even go as far as to say I was hoping you were going to talk to me about it.’ Angela settled back in her chair and observed me over her glasses, arms folded. ‘As one of our most qualified – no, the most qualified member of the support team – it seemed an obvious choice for you.’
‘Er, thank you – that’s a great compli—’
Angela waved one hand at me, cutting me off again.
‘But, if a four-month sabbatical is what’s on your agenda right now, then fair enough – you know our open-door policy on staff extracurricular development. And in some respects it is actually good to see you making a decision.’ Angela suddenly seemed to lose interest in the conversation. ‘Good luck, Kirsty – and enjoy the old mundo latino.’ She flicked me a cringe-worthy wink as if waiting for me to say something.
There was a long pause.
‘I did GCSE Spanish.’
‘Ah, right.’
As I thanked Angela and started backing away gratefully towards the door, she suddenly looked up again from her paperwork and called me back.
‘Kirsty?’
‘Yes.’
‘Not everyone achieves their goals by following their expected path, you know.’
What on earth she meant by that I had no idea, but I didn’t have much time to dwell on it. I finished work just a week later, after which only an awkward weekend spent sleeping in Harry’s parents’ spare room, surrounded by luggage, stood between us and the unknown.
