Читать книгу Not That Easy - Radhika Sanghani - Страница 7

Emma and I had met Will and Ollie in the last week of uni. I was still recovering from the joint shock of losing my V-card to a wanker and getting an STI. Emma had taken me out to the Student Union to drown my sorrows in £1 vodka shots. We were £10 in when we met Will and Ollie.

I fell head over heels in love with Ollie. He was half-black, with impossibly blue eyes, and his short hair was dyed peroxide blond. He looked like an Urban Outfitters model. In my vodka-fuelled haze, I realised he was the only man I had ever wanted, the one I was destined to meet after being betrayed by the de-virginiser, and … he was talking to Emma about his girlfriend. The romantic music scratched to a halt in my head as I realised he was firmly out of bounds.

‘Ellie?’ called out Emma, as she waved her hand in front of my face. ‘This is Ollie, he just graduated in Philosophy from SOAS, and Will, who’s studying accountancy at King’s. They were in the same halls as Amelia.’

I put on a fake smile and we spent the rest of the night getting drunk together. Emma charmed the group with funny stories while I subtly tried to take selfies with Ollie so I could sigh over them in the morning. When Will saw what I was doing, he dragged me to my feet and made me dance to music with no words. The DJ was just about to switch from the drum and bass to music I actually knew when Will started snogging the hottest guy in the club. I went to the loo and starting throwing up the ‘vodka’, which was rumoured to be paint stripper. When Emma and I tottered onto the night bus at 4 a.m. with Ollie, Will and Cheng in tow, we realised we’d found our new housemates.

Four months later, we were all living in our Haggerston home with paper-thin walls and rent we couldn’t afford. I was still partly in love with Ollie, but resigned to his love for the beautiful but intimidating Yomi, and semi-scared of Will and his financial speak. Emma was the same as always, but now that she was loved up with Sergio, I was down a wing-woman and more single than ever. It was time to call Lara.

‘Why haven’t you invited me round yet?’ she demanded, as she picked up the phone. ‘We’re meant to be best friends, but suddenly you’re all edgy living in East London and can’t invite me over?’

‘I’ve been here for four days, Lara. We only got a sofa yesterday. The fridge arrived this morning.’

‘I can’t believe you think I’m so high-maintenance I need a fridge and sofa to come over.’

I laughed. ‘Shut up, you know you’re welcome whenever. In fact … do you want to come over this weekend? I miss you.’

‘I miss you too. Oxford is so boring right now. My feminism society is obsessed with bringing down the Bulling-don Club and I’m so over it.’

‘You do realise I have no idea what you’re talking about? But if you’re bored, please get the train down this weekend. We can go out with the hipsters in Hackney.’

‘By hipsters do you mean your flatmates?’

I snorted. ‘They wish. Actually, I guess Ollie is naturally pretty cool. He’s been wearing skinnies since before they were in. But Will is definitely a wannabe.’

‘Mmm, it does feel like he tries quite hard to fit in,’ she agreed. ‘Last time we all went out together, he got really drunk and admitted he consciously tried to get rid of his Leeds accent. He accidentally used the word “brew” and almost had a breakdown.’

‘Shit. I had no idea he cared that much. It explains why he loves you though—he probably thinks you’re really posh because of the Oxford thing.’

She groaned. ‘People really need to get over those stereotypes. Half the students here are as posh as I am, as in total plebs. Anyway, how are you?’

‘Meh. Spent the whole morning tech-harming.’

‘Ellie. I’ve told you to delete Instagram off your phone. Did you do it with Facebook as well?’

‘May-be.’

She sighed. ‘We’ve been through this before. None of them actually have perfect lives. If we Instagrammed the coolest things we did, we’d have perfect lives too.’

‘I know, I know. But some of them are just like golden people. I feel like the pale people watching them on stage.’

‘Stop making Tender is the Night references. You know what happens to Dick Diver at the end. And look at The Great Gatsby. Do you want someone to shoot you in your swimming pool?’

‘At least Gatsby had a swimming pool. I’ll never even get a mortgage at this rate.’

‘Join the club,’ she said. ‘We’re the real lost generation. Screw the 1920s modernist kids—it’s totally us.’

I nodded wisely until I remembered she couldn’t see me. ‘Totally. The generation of unpaid interns.’

‘How is that going?’ she asked sympathetically.

‘Maxine is still a bitch. I’ve spent the past month just getting her NFLs and she still won’t let me write anything even though that’s why she hired me—because she allegedly liked my vlog and uni columns. Today she made me work till 7 p.m. I’m so tired.’

‘NFLs?’

‘No-fat lattes.’

‘That is so stereotypical. Who does she think she is—Anna Wintour?’

‘You say that, but apparently the London Mag makes more money than Vogue. So Maxine has decided she is the Devil Who Wears Whistles and is hell-bent on ruining my unpaid existence.’

‘Well, when I’m a high-flying lawyer who doesn’t have time to do anything, I’ll let you live in my penthouse and fetch me NFLs. I’ll even pay you.’

‘Fuck off, Lara.’

‘Love you too. Anyway, so this weekend …’

‘Yep, you’re coming over?’

‘I can do on Saturday. But if you’re free on Friday night, some of the girls from school are getting together for a dinner.’

‘Oh my God, no. Lara, you’re the one that’s still friends with them, not me. I haven’t spoken to them for years and I’m absolutely fine with that. We don’t need to change that.’

‘Ellie, stop being so dramatic. These are the girls we grew up with, not mass murderers. I think it will be fun for you to come. You know, mix it up a bit.’

‘But their lives are so perfect. I’ll have to hear about how it’s so difficult maintaining a size-six figure and juggling life as a hot blonde lawyer with going out to fancy restaurants with perfect boyfriends.’

‘You know I’m blonde and going into law?’

‘Do you want me to hate you too? Stop reminding me.’

‘Ha ha. But, honestly, El, what are you so worried about? We’re not the same people we were at school.’

‘It’s just whenever I’m around them I feel like teenage me, and all the insecurities come flying back. Like, I can’t join in their sex stories, their rich stories, their success stories … It’s too much.’

‘Even though you’re no longer a virgin, you’re confident and hot, and you have the coolest internship ever?’

‘Well, when you put it like that …’

‘Exactly, so what’s the problem?’

‘I don’t know. I guess I just feel weird lately. I think it’s just moving into Haggerston, and the fact that my job is kind of a nightmare. I felt really good all summer, but now it’s sinking in that all the others are in relationships, and not only has no one asked me out since Jack, but I’m unpaid and relying on my mum—who hates every life choice I make and wishes I was married to a Greek estate agent.’

Lara snorted. ‘I can’t imagine you being with anyone like that, much less married.’

‘Exactly! I’d be the worst wife ever.’

‘But, honestly, El, I think coming to meet the schoolgirls will be good for you. They’ll all be super impressed with what you’re doing, you’ll realise they’re not the “Mean Girls” you thought they were in Year Ten, and it will distract you from everything else that’s going on.’

‘Oh fine. So long as you promise to still come round to mine on Saturday for commiseration drinks? I’ll get Emma on board.’

‘Deal.’

I walked into Chotto Matte in Soho feeling as if I should be waiting tables rather than eating. My skinny jeans and oversized jumper may have looked casually chic in the office, but now I felt underdressed and frumpy. Especially when I followed the waiter down to our table and saw fifteen models sitting there.

‘Oh my God, Ellie,’ squealed Maisie. ‘You look amazing. It’s so good to see you. I can’t believe how long it is!’

She pulled me into a hug. ‘You look great too,’ I said lamely. ‘Really nice to see you.’

The rest of the girls turned around and enveloped me in turn, so I had to repeat the exact same small talk fifteen times. By the time I got to Lara, I gave her a death stare. I was an idiot for ever thinking this would be a good idea.

We sat down and I gulped at the prices on the menu. There was a sharing option that started at £40 per person. Without drinks—of which I would be needing many to get through this dinner. Fuck. Maybe I could just get a side and feign being full from a large lunch?

‘So, how have things been?’ cried Polly. ‘It’s been forever. I hear you’re working for London Mag these days—that’s pretty cool. Is it amazing?’

‘Um, yeah, I guess so. Minus the psycho boss, the long hours and the fact that I don’t get paid for it.’

‘Shit,’ she said with a momentary frown crossing her Botoxed face. OK, it wasn’t Botoxed, but no doubt it would be in ten years.

‘How are you anyway?’ I asked.

‘Oh, amazing,’ she said, the frown disappearing. ‘Like, obviously it’s so intense working in law, but the work is so great, and I love the people. Also, Alex works for Goldman Sachs next door, so we basically just share cabs home the entire time, and he lives round the corner in this amazing penthouse apartment his parents got him, so it’s ideal.’

‘Wow, that’s, um, amazing,’ I said.

Lara caught my eye and snorted.

‘So how did you meet Alex?’ asked Lara. ‘I’ve seen pictures on Facebook, but I haven’t met him yet. It sounds like it’s all going well though?’

‘Yeah, it’s so good. I’m so lucky. We actually met through mutual friends at uni, but we didn’t really get together until this summer. He’s really nice. You’d like him. I think he knows Jez actually—are you two still hooking up?’

Lara groaned. ‘Sadly, yes. I do plan on ending it soon, but the sex is just so good … I mean, he’s a commitment-phobic idiot, but we’re having fun, so I guess it kind of works for now.’

‘Ah, I know what you mean,’ said Polly. ‘We’ve all been there, don’t worry. I reckon as soon as you find someone new, you’ll totally forget him.’

‘Yeah, maybe I’ll meet an incredibly eligible lawyer when I start my training,’ said Lara.

‘What? No, you cannot date your colleagues,’ cried Polly. ‘Trust me. That’s a recipe for disaster. Hey, what about you, Ellie, are you seeing anyone?’

‘Um, no, not right now.’

‘Oh, right,’ she said, eyes glazing over.

‘But I did have a thing with someone at the end of uni,’ I continued.

‘Oh my God, tell me everything!’

‘Well, it was just this guy called Jack. He was an artist, quite a few years older than me. We were dating for a while, we slept together, and it was all good.’

‘Um, and then what?’ asked Lily. I realised that by now the whole table was listening to me. ‘Oh my God, did you lose your virginity?! Shit, Ellie, that’s huge!’

I smiled weakly. I’d forgotten how gossip-hungry everyone at school had been. Considering I’d been one of the few girls to graduate with my virginity, the state of my hymen was clearly pretty big news.

‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Jack took my V-plates.’

‘Ahhh!’ everyone shrieked in excitement. ‘OMG, congrats, Ellie. How was it? That’s amazing—tell us everything.’

This was why I’d never send my daughter to an all-girls school—no question was off limits. At one point we’d even known each other’s period cycles.

‘It was good. I mean, we only did it the once, but it was fine. It didn’t really hurt.’

‘Oh my God, amazing. So then what happened?’ asked Katie.

Oh shit. Now I had to tell them that Jack hadn’t really cared about me and then gave me ‘the clap’. So much for trying to come across as new cool Ellie who has her shit together—this just proved I was the same girl who managed to bite a guy’s penis.

I glanced at Lara. She wouldn’t care if I lied. I looked at the girls. They were all sitting open-mouthed, waiting for the next instalment. I don’t think they’d ever been so interested in me when I was the virgin at school. Maybe I should go with the truth—if they wanted gossip, I could definitely provide that.

‘So … a few days later, we went for coffee and he told me how much he believed in true love, and that he’d never felt this way before.’ The girls gasped collectively. ‘Only, then he said that “Luisa” had changed his life. It turned out he wasn’t talking about me—he was talking about someone else.’

‘Oh my God, no way. That’s insane,’ said Lily. ‘I can’t believe that actually happened.’

‘Do you know what’s even worse?’ They all shook their heads. ‘Luisa had chlamydia.’

‘Wait, do you mean …?’

‘I got chlamydia from the one time I had sex.’

The girls burst into laughter, and I grinned with them. I’d never had a sex story to make them laugh before. Normally, it was me sitting there open-mouthed listening to their stories, but being the centre of everything was definitely more fun.

‘That is so funny, Ellie,’ said Maisie. ‘I mean, he sounds like a total wanker, but at least you got a good story out of it.’

‘Yeah, a story and an STD in exchange for my maidenhood. Not a bad deal.’

She laughed in response. ‘Exactly. Hey, Cass, didn’t you get chlamydia twice at uni? That was hysterical.’

‘OK, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was from the same guy.’

‘I’m not so sure that makes it better, Cass,’ said Lara. ‘But if it makes you feel better, I once did something even worse. I broke Jez’s penis.’

‘What?’ I cried. ‘How have I not heard this story?’

‘Shit, did I never tell you?’ she said. ‘God, it was a couple of years ago now. I think you must have been away. It was so funny though. I was on top, and I think the angle was weird, because suddenly he screamed. I got off him and his penis was, like, bent in half. We had to go to hospital and it turned out that I’d given him a penile fracture.’

‘Oh my God, that’s hilarious,’ cried Lily, after we’d all stopped laughing. ‘Reminds me of when I ripped Max’s foreskin in Year Nine after a pretty vigorous hand job.’

‘And that time when you got caught giving him a blow job by his mum! That was amazing,’ said Cass. ‘Ooh, look, the food’s here. We’d better stop being so filthy or we’re going to get kicked out.’

I looked up and saw plates of tiny dishes being served out. There were dozens of them. Seeing as the cheapest thing on the menu was about £7, this was not good. ‘You already ordered?’ I asked uncertainly.

‘Oh yeah, we just got a massive selection of stuff though. We figured it would be easiest,’ said Polly. ‘Doesn’t it look incredible?’

Guess I wasn’t going to be eating a side for my main, then.

‘I cannot believe we ate all of that,’ I said to Lara as everyone else chatted around us. ‘I feel a bit sick now.’

‘I know, right? Especially when Tania decided it was a really good idea for us all to tell our grossest sex moments. Cass’s one is still making me feel a bit ill.’

‘Ugh, yes. Now that’s a new fear for me—remind me not to have period sex. I really can’t handle the thought of him withdrawing and blood splattering onto the white walls. I feel so sorry for sixteen-year-old Cass. Must have been mortifying.’

‘Oh, it was,’ said Cass, leaning over to us. ‘It looked like a scene from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There were these red dots on the walls. We had to wipe them off afterwards and they left brown smudges.’

‘Ew, Cass!’

‘But you know what?’ she continued. ‘Weirdly, I had the best orgasm of my life two seconds before bloodgate. Who knew?’

‘Hilarious.’ Lara laughed. ‘I think my best ever orgasm was with this guy I met in my gap year. He had the most gifted tongue I have ever come across. I swear his girlfriend must be the luckiest person in the world.’

‘Oh my God, that is such an important quality in a guy,’ said Cass. ‘I once broke up with someone who refused to go down on me unless I’d showered two minutes before. I think he had hygiene issues.’

I laughed with them and then slipped away to go to the loo. It was fun chatting with the girls—I’d forgotten how funny they could be—but I was starting to feel weird. I knew it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t join in with any orgasm stories. Everyone knew I wasn’t exactly experienced and they didn’t really care, but I hated feeling as if I was on the outside of the conversation. It just made me feel left out. They were all having ridiculous amounts of fun having orgasms and casual sex, and I was categorically not.

It made me feel as if we were back in the school common room with everyone sharing funny virginity-losing stories while I still hadn’t even been kissed. I knew things were different now, but it was still shit to not feel part of the main events. I still had no idea what it was like to do a walk of shame, or have period sex, or even get licked out by a guy.

I wanted to have that fun. Now I wasn’t a virgin, why couldn’t I be out there getting with guys? It was fine having orgasms alone in my room, but I wanted to understand the euphoria that girls in movies had every time a guy went down on them. I wanted to know what was so good about sex.

I knew I’d be good at it too. I loved talking about sex and imagining it—if I just had the chance to partake in it a bit more, I bet I’d be a natural. I wouldn’t be the kind of girl who just wanted the guy to marry her in the morning. I’d be more than happy to keep it casual. Hell, I wouldn’t even need to get their number so long as they gave me an orgasm instead.

I stared at myself in the toilet mirror. I could do this. I didn’t have to just spend my twenties dreaming about this lifestyle—I could make it happen. All I needed to do was stop moping, and up my game.

If I wanted to know what it felt like to have orgasm-filled casual sex, well, there was only one thing for it—I had to start having more sex.

As of tomorrow, I needed to start slutting it up.