Читать книгу The Amish Mother - Rebecca Kertz - Страница 13
ОглавлениеLizzie woke up feeling ill. I overdid it this week, she realized. All the hard work she’d accomplished on the farm these past few days had aggravated her hip, and the resulting pain made her nauseous.
She’d been sick a lot since Abraham had passed on and she’d felt the stress of managing everything alone. Ever since Zack’s first visit, she’d been afraid. Her fears had intensified after his departure. Now that he was back, she wondered if he was silently making decisions that would impact her life with the children. If he chose to claim the farm, what would happen to them? Could she somehow stop him? Would the fact that he hadn’t come forward before now work in her favor?
Lizzie frowned. The children were Zack’s family and had the right to live on the farm with him. It was she who had no blood ties. She’d married Abraham, it was true, but for most of their married life, she hadn’t been a real wife...until the night before Abraham’s fatal accident, when they finally had consummated their marriage. Lizzie had been so happy that night because she’d realized then that her husband had begun to care for her as a wife instead of just a housekeeper and babysitter. If Abraham had lived, she thought, we might have had children together.
Children. Lizzie gasped. I’ve missed one month. She’d missed a month before. Her woman’s flow was often irregular. She wasn’t sure why, but skipping a period happened to her on occasion. Since Abraham’s death, she’d been so busy caring for the children and the farm that she hadn’t noticed until now.
She rose from bed. It was early; the children were asleep, but it wouldn’t be long before they stirred, ready for breakfast.
A baby. She would love nothing more than to give birth to Abraham’s child, to have his baby son or daughter. The child would be a legitimate and accepted member of the Fisher family. My child would cement the bond between the Fishers and me.
Her Amish church community accepted her right to the farm as the children’s stepmother and Abraham’s widow. But did Zack agree?
Lizzie settled a hand on her abdomen. A baby. She silently counted the days since Abraham’s death. Within the next day or so, she would know for certain. Somehow she just knew she was carrying her late husband’s son or daughter. But she would not tell anyone yet. She would save the news for the right moment. She couldn’t allow herself to become too excited at the prospect until she was sure. But how could she not be hopeful? She would love to give the children a new baby brother or sister to love, the child of their deceased father. Perhaps Mary Ruth and Hannah would finally accept her.
A door squeaked as if it was being closed carefully. Then she heard the sound of someone moving about in the hall. Lizzie grabbed the flashlight from her bed table and turned it on. She then hurriedly donned a robe over her nightgown before, with light in hand, she peeked into the hall.
“Anne,” she whispered as the light fell on the child outside her bedroom door. “Are your sisters up?”
Anne shook her head. The five-year-old wore her nightgown and carried her clothes as if she intended to dress downstairs.
Lizzie waved her into the room. “Koom. I’ll help you get dressed and do your hair.”
Annie smiled and hurried into the room that had once belonged to Lizzie and Abraham.
Lizzie lit an oil lamp, turned off the flashlight and then helped Anne out of her nightgown and into her day clothes. Then she reached for a brush and comb. First, she brushed her daughter’s long golden locks. Then she combed, rolled and pinned the roll against Annie’s head in the Amish way. Lizzie smiled as she worked. She enjoyed fixing the girl’s hair; the simple action of brushing her daughter’s hair soothed her.
“Why are you up so early?” she asked softly. There was barely a hint of dawn in the eastern sky.
“I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”
Finished, Lizzie stepped back and turned Anne to face her. “Is something upsetting you?”
Annie was quiet for a moment. “Mam, will Onkel Zack marry you and stay with us forever?”
Lizzie froze in shock. “I— Nay, dochter. I don’t know your onkel that well and he doesn’t know me.”
“But you can get to know and love each other.” Annie gazed at her as Lizzie placed a prayer kapp on the child’s head. “It is possible.”
Lizzie worded her reply carefully. “I suppose it’s possible, Anne,” she said, pausing before continuing, “but unlikely.”
“You miss Dat.”
Lizzie nodded. “Your vadder was a goot man and a wonderful husband.”
“You didn’t know him well when you married him.”
Lizzie swallowed before answering. “What gave you that idea?”
Annie reached up to lovingly pat Lizzie’s cheek. “I heard Mary Ruth and Hannah talking.”
Lizzie felt dismayed. She could only imagine what the two girls had said. “I was happy to marry your vadder because then his seven children—all of you—became mine. I love you all as if I had given birth to you.”
“I remember when Ezekiel was born.” Annie shifted to sit beside Lizzie on her bed. “Mam didn’t feel well, and I heard her crying and screaming. I was afraid.”
“I’m sure it seemed worse than it was, Anne. Giving birth is a natural thing. Ja, it hurts a mudder as it happens, but then the birth is a joyous thing, and she forgets all about the pain.”
“Mam didn’t,” Annie said, startling Lizzie with her words. “She wasn’t happy after Ezekiel was born. She cried a lot and Dat tried to make her feel better, but she didn’t listen.” Annie looked at Lizzie with confusion. “Why didn’t Mam love us anymore?”
“What?” Lizzie said, taken aback by the child’s revelation. “I’m sure that your mam must have loved you very much.”
Annie blinked back tears.
“Nay. Mam didn’t want us anymore. I heard her telling Dat.”
“She was probably tired and upset. I doubt she meant it.” Lizzie placed an arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “I’m sure your mam loved you just as your dat did.” Annie had overheard things that her mother never should have said. It upset Lizzie to realize that Annie was still hurt by the memory. Some women suffered depression after giving birth. They couldn’t enjoy life or their babies. Was that the way it had been with Abraham’s first wife?
“I miss Dat.”
Lizzie nodded. “I know you do,” she whispered. “So do I.”
“Onkel Zack looks like Dat, only his hair is dark and he is younger.”
Lizzie had noticed and told her so. It hurt her to know that Anne had suffered. She hugged her, put on a happy face and said, “Now, we should go downstairs to fix breakfast. Would you like to help make waffles?”
Annie nodded enthusiastically. “Ja, I like helping in the kitchen.”
“I’ll get dressed and then we’ll go downstairs. I need to feed the animals first. Will you set the table while I’m outside?”
Annie agreed, and soon Lizzie and Annie went silently down the stairs to the kitchen. Lizzie took out the plates, napkins and utensils and gave them to Anne. Then she left the house and crossed the yard. She reached the barn as Zack was leaving it.
“Zack!” she gasped, startled.
“Lizzie.”
“Is there something I can help you with? I’ve come to feed the animals and do the milking,” she said.
“The animals have been fed.” Zack studied her intently. “And your cows have been milked.” He held up the bucket of milk she hadn’t noticed previously.
“You did my chores?” she said politely, but she was silently outraged.
“I thought I’d help with the chores while I am here,” he said. “You have enough to do caring for the children.”
“I’ve been doing just fine since your brooder died,” she told him. “And I’ve been managing well.”
“Ja.” His voice was quiet as he narrowed his gaze on her. “But it’s time someone helps you with the burden.”
Lizzie stiffened. “I don’t consider the children or this farm a burden.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful. “I don’t suppose you do. But I’d like to work as long as I am staying here. Is that a problem? What would you have me do all day, if not help with the farm chores?”
Lizzie opened her mouth to respond and then promptly shut it. She sighed. She understood how he felt. “Fine. You may help.”
His lips twitched. “Goot.”
“’Tis not because I can’t do it,” she pointed out quickly.
Amusement gleamed in his dark eyes. “I never said it was.”
Lizzie felt satisfied. She would try not to feel threatened just because he needed something to do.
“Will you and Esther come for breakfast? The children should be awake soon. Please join us.”
He seemed to think for a minute as his gaze went toward the dawdi haus. “I don’t believe Esther has eaten yet.”
“I’ll set places for you.” And she left, her composure shaken by her confrontation with Zack.
Lizzie headed toward the house, her thoughts spinning in her head. Having the Fisher siblings on the property disturbed her peace of mind and threatened her place within this family. She shouldn’t be alarmed if her brother-in-law wanted to do farm chores. Zack hadn’t come out and said that he was here to take over the farm. Perhaps she should confront him and learn the truth? But what if in the asking, I give him the idea he never had? Do I really want to know? Or must I first convince him that I can manage without help before he’ll stop worrying and return to Ohio?
Lizzie entered the house to find that Annie had set the table, and Mary Ruth, Hannah and Rebecca had come downstairs to help with breakfast. The girls looked over as she entered the room with a smile.
“I’ll be making waffles this morning,” she told Mary Ruth. “Would you like some?” Mary Ruth was slow to answer, and Lizzie added, “Your onkel and endie will be eating with us.”
Her eldest daughter looked pleased. “I’ll get the butter and syrup.”
“I’ll help with batter,” Hannah said.
Lizzie shot her a look of apology. “I promised Anne that she could help.”
Hannah looked at Anne, who appeared as if she would cry if someone took away her job of batter making. She appeared to understand. “Can we have muffins, too? Onkel Zack likes your muffins. I can open a new jar of your strawberry jam.”
“That’s a wonderful idea, Hannah,” Lizzie said.
Soon, each of the girls had a special job to do to help in preparing breakfast for their aunt and uncle. Matthew and the two young boys, Jonas and Ezekiel, entered the kitchen minutes later. “It smells goot in here,” Matt said.
Lizzie, who was showing Anne how to stir the batter, glanced over her shoulder. “Zack and Esther are joining us.”
Looking pleased, Matt asked what he could do to help.
As the kitchen filled with activity of her and the children working together, Lizzie felt grateful. If nothing else, Zack’s visit had brought the family together to work without sadness, sulking or anger.
Zack and Esther arrived for breakfast, and everyone sat at the large kitchen trestle table. Lizzie, with Esther’s help, set out the waffles and other breakfast items.
“Waffles!” Zack exclaimed with pleasure as Lizzie handed him a plateful.
“You like waffles, Onkel Zack?” Annie asked.
Zack grinned at her. “Ja.” He took a bite. “These waffles taste especially goot.”
Lizzie watched her daughter beam and felt grateful to Zack for making Anne happy. He looked over and winked at her, and she couldn’t help grinning back at him. He had known that Anne had helped with the batter, and he’d wanted her to feel special.
Zack Fisher is charming. If she weren’t worried about his motives, it would be very easy to fall under his charm. She wondered how it would have been if they’d met at another time and under different circumstances. She frowned. She had to stop thinking of such things. Having such thoughts was disloyal to Abraham and to herself.
The children were excited to eat with their aunt and uncle. They chattered nonstop, especially Matt, Hannah and Rebecca, who debated the merits of waffles with maple syrup versus waffles with warm, sautéed apples.
“I like warm cinnamon apples best,” Hannah declared.
“Nay, there is nothing like goot maple syrup,” Matt insisted. “Don’t ya think, Onkel Zack?”
Zack laughed. “Don’t ask me. I like them both ways. I’m not partial to either one. I like mine with honey, too.”
A discussion ensued then on the merits of honey versus maple syrup.
Mary Ruth was quiet, Lizzie noticed, but when she caught her eldest daughter’s gaze, the girl smiled at her warmly and Lizzie realized that Mary Ruth was simply content to happily observe her brothers and sisters with their aunt and uncle. The atmosphere was one of a big happy family, and it was at times such as this that she felt glad that Zack and Esther had returned to Honeysuckle.
When they had finished their breakfast, the older girls left to do their assigned chores. Soon they would return to the kitchen to help prepare food for the next day. The youngest boys scampered outside with Lizzie’s permission to enjoy a few moments in the sun under Matthew’s watchful eye. Zack excused himself to check on something in the barn. Lizzie watched him go, wondering what needed his attention.
“Tomorrow is church Sunday,” Esther said after she and Lizzie had enjoyed a few quiet moments at the table. She began to gather up the empty breakfast dishes.
“Ja,” Lizzie said as she rose to help. “’Tis to be held at the Thomas Stoltzfus farm.” She gathered tea and coffee cups along with the children’s milk glasses. “Do you know them? Thomas and Marybeth Stoltzfus?”
Esther thought a moment. “Their names are familiar but I can’t place faces on them.”
“You’ll have a chance to visit with them after church tomorrow.” Lizzie filled up a basin with sudsy water and began washing the dishes. Esther joined her at the sink with a dish towel and began to dry.
Zack peeked his head back into the kitchen, startling both women. “Isn’t it church Sunday tomorrow?” he asked.
“Ja,” his sister said. “We were just discussing this. Lizzie said it’s to be held at the Thomas Stoltzfuses’. Do you remember them?”
Zack shook his head. “But it’s been years. Seeing them may jog my memory.”
“Do you need anything?” Lizzie asked, wondering again what he’d been doing in the barn and now why he’d returned.
“Nay, I just came to check on tomorrow. I’ll have the buggy ready in the morning,” he said.
As he left again, Lizzie stifled a frown and went back to work. It wouldn’t do to give her thoughts away to Esther...that she was beginning to feel as if he were taking over the farm without telling her. She had to talk with her brother-in-law soon. The uncertainty, the fear, was eating her alive, and besides, she had something on her side now...the tiny baby growing inside her.
* * *
The morning dawned bright and clear as Lizzie made sure all the children were ready in time for Sunday service. She gathered up the desserts she’d made for the shared meal afterward and went outside to set them in the buggy. Zack and Esther were already outside waiting for her and the children near the vehicle. When he smiled at her, Lizzie felt a funny feeling in her chest.
“Goot morning.” Matt ran ahead and grinned at Zack, whose lips curved upward in response.
Lizzie inclined her head in greeting as she approached, carrying two pie plates. Zack surprised her when he reached for her plates and stowed them on the floor in the front seat. The children climbed into the back of the buggy that had been built specifically for Abraham’s growing family after Jonas was born. Dressed in their Sunday best, the girls wore black full-length aprons over royal blue dresses, with black head coverings. The three boys sported white shirts, black vests and black pants, with black shoes and black-felt brimmed hats. Seeing her sons looking so like their uncle gave Lizzie a flash of memory of their family life when her husband had been alive. Sadness overwhelmed her and she closed her eyes, fighting the urge to cry.
Soon they were on their way to church services at the Thomas Stoltzfus farm. Lizzie found herself in the front, seated next to Zack after Esther chose to sit in the back. As Zack drove, Lizzie was overly conscious of him beside her. She experienced an odd sensation in her midsection. The baby? It wasn’t her unborn child that made her feel this way, she realized. It was Zack sitting closely beside her. She watched his strong hands handle the reins with confidence. He was relaxed as he steered the buggy along the paved road toward their destination.
She wondered how the congregation would react when they saw her and the children with Zack and Esther. Abraham had been well liked and respected, and they’d known that he’d needed to marry quickly for the sake of his children. But Lizzie had always wondered what they’d thought about Abraham’s choice of a crippled seventeen-year-old bride.
Months into her marriage to Abe, the community women had begun to stop by the farm to visit with her, often seeking her company during church and visiting Sundays. Apparently after seeing how hard she’d worked and the love she had for her new family, the community must have decided that Abraham had chosen well.
When her childhood friend Rachel Miller had married Peter Zook, who lived down the road, Lizzie had been happy and excited. She, Abraham and the children had been invited to the wedding, and Lizzie had been overjoyed to see her dear friend happy and in love.
Zack steered the horse into the Stoltzfuses’ barnyard and parked at the end of a long row of family buggies. He got out and assisted Esther. The children scrambled out quickly in a hurry to see their friends. Because of her hip, Lizzie slid out more carefully and was relieved to be standing steady and on firm ground, before Zack had a chance to reach her side of the vehicle. She retrieved the pies from the buggy floor and nearly bumped into Zack as she straightened. She gasped, instantly aware of his clean masculine scent—a mixture of her homemade soap, fresh air and a manly smell that belonged only to Zack.
Silently, he reached to take the desserts from her. She passed him the cherry pie while refusing to relinquish the apple. Lizzie firmed her lips. She was more than capable of carrying pies! He must have read her expression, for he captured her gaze, his lips curving with amusement, before he turned his attention to his sister, who joined them with the dish of brownies she’d baked yesterday afternoon.
How dare Zack laugh at her expense! She felt her throat tighten. She had handled the farm and the children since Abraham’s death. The children continued to be clothed, fed and cared for. And she’d done it on her own, hadn’t she?
She brightened when she caught sight of Rachel, who looked over and waved. Lizzie grinned and raised a hand in greeting, watching Rachel’s gaze shift to Zack beside her as they approached. Her friend raised her eyebrows in question, and Lizzie could feel herself blush as she reached the front porch steps and handed Rachel her pie before she reached toward Zack for the other one. She sighed when Rachel looked to her for an introduction.
“Zack, this is a dear friend, Rachel Zook. Rachel, meet Zack Fisher, my late husband’s brooder.”
Zack gave Rachel a nod. “Rachel,” he greeted warmly.
Lizzie encountered his gaze and suddenly felt flustered. “Rachel and I grew up together. She recently married Peter Zook, who lives just down the road from us.”
“I’m sure you’re happy to have her close.”
Lizzie gave her friend a genuine smile. “Ja,” she and Rachel said at the same time. Lizzie laughed, warmed again by Rachel’s friendship. Rachel was the only person who accepted Lizzie limp and all. If not for Rachel’s presence during her childhood, Lizzie would have been unable to endure the other children’s ridicule.
She saw Rachel’s expression change as her friend studied Zack. Confused, Lizzie shot Zack a look only to find him staring at her and not Rachel.
“Zack?” Amos Beiler drew Zack’s attention away from her and Rachel. Lizzie sighed with relief. She watched recognition dawn in Amos Beiler’s expression followed by delight as he and Zack shook hands. She stood as the two men exchanged pleasantries.
“Lizzie,” Rachel whispered, drawing her aside. “He is beautiful! He looks like...” She didn’t say Abraham’s name but gave Lizzie’s hand a squeeze. “Only he’s better-looking.”
“Rachel!” Lizzie gasped, feeling her face heat.
Esther came up from behind Zack to join Lizzie and Rachel. She’d been standing quietly, studying the church members chatting outside. Lizzie gave her friend a warning look and managed to compose herself before turning to her sister-in-law.
“Esther,” Lizzie said with warmth, “this is Rachel Zook. She and I have known each other since we were children.”
“It’s goot to meet you, Rachel,” Zachariah’s sister said.
Her expression brightening, Rachel smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet some of Abraham’s family.” Her smile faded. “I’m sorry for your loss,” she said.
Esther nodded, her eyes glistening. “My brooder was a goot man.”
“Ja,” Lizzie whispered, suddenly feeling the loss keenly. She blinked back tears. “He was.”
Rachel put her hand on Lizzie’s shoulder. “Things will work out, Lizzie.”
Lizzie forced a smile as she turned to Esther. “I miss him,” she said.
Esther’s features softened. “You must have made my brooder a happy man,” she said, surprising Lizzie. “You’re a hard worker and you love the children.”
“Danki,” she murmured, wondering what Esther would think if she knew the truth.
“Lizzie! Rachel!” Marybeth Stoltzfus exited the house. She widened her eyes when she recognized Esther. “Esther? Esther Fisher?”
Esther smiled. “Ja, Marybeth. ’Tis nice to see ya again.”
“Come in. Come in,” the woman invited.
“I’ve known Marybeth since I was a girl,” Esther whispered to Lizzie. “But she was a Yoder then.”
The women set their dishes in the kitchen and then proceeded to the room where church services would be held. It was a large family gathering room. Benches had been placed in rows on three sides of the room, with the fourth side-area set aside for the preacher and church elders.
As she slid onto a bench next to her daughters, Lizzie recognized her sons seated next to their uncle on the other side of the room. She glanced toward Zack only to find his bright obsidian eyes studying her. She felt an infusion of heat and quickly looked away.
Preacher David Hostetler stepped into the spotlight and began the service. Everyone stood and began to sing from the Ausbund, the Amish book of hymns. They always sang a cappella, their songs sounding like chants. Aware of her daughters’ voices beside her, Lizzie joined in to sing praise to the Lord.
A slight movement to the right of her caught the corner of her eye, and Lizzie turned to see who it was. Little Anne slipped past her older sisters toward her, apparently wanting to sit next to her. Lizzie smiled and laid a hand on the child’s shoulder, pleased that this daughter, at least, loved her unconditionally. Mary Ruth shifted over to allow her little sister more room and then smiled at Lizzie, above Anne’s head, as if she understood. Sensing his regard, Lizzie realized that Zack had witnessed the exchange. She had no idea what he was thinking as he glanced toward Anne then her again, before he returned his attention to the preacher.
Lizzie’s heart started to beat hard as she focused on the service. Did she really want to know Zack’s thoughts?
Preacher David gave a wonderfully stirring sermon, which caught and held her attention. Inspired, she raised her voice as she sang when the time came for the Loblied, the second hymn. When there was a break in the sermon, she prayed silently.
Soon, church service was finished, and Lizzie rose and followed her daughters out of the room and into the kitchen. The men and boys stayed behind and began to rearrange the church benches and set up tables for the shared midday meal.
When she entered the kitchen to help with the food, Lizzie was suddenly surrounded and the center of attention as the churchwomen asked about Zack and Esther and Lizzie’s family until Esther walked into the room. The women’s excitement rose as they recognized her. Several of the church ladies offered their condolences to Esther on her brother’s death. Others questioned her about other matters, curious to know where the family had been living and what they’d been doing during all these years.
The setup of the dining area was complete. The food was unwrapped and ready to serve. The women grabbed the dishes they’d brought and carried them over to the men. Later, when the men had eaten, the women sat with their children and enjoyed their meal. The men escaped into the yard to talk about the weather, their farms, the upcoming fall harvest and other topics that the men liked to discuss.
Lizzie picked up two plates from the food table and carried them back toward the kitchen. As she approached, she overheard two women talking about the Fisher siblings and the farm. She listened, unable to help herself. When she heard someone mention her name, she froze.
“I was surprised to see Zachariah and Esther. But then, I suppose that I shouldn’t be. Young Zack is the rightful heir to his father’s farm.” The first woman’s voice came clear and strong, and Lizzie recognized her immediately as Joanna, Wilmer Miller’s wife.
“What about young Lizzie? She’s been a fine mudder to Abraham’s children. What will happen to her if Zack decides to stay on the farm?” Lizzie knew the identity of the second woman as Martha Yoder.
“Zack will see that she is cared for. He was always a goot boy—I doubt that has changed about him,” Joanna pointed out.
“But the children—
“Zack and Esther are more than capable of taking care of their nieces and nephews.”
“But Lizzie is their brooder’s widow!” Martha exclaimed.
“Ja, but Lizzie has a hindrance. Do you think she can do everything that’s necessary to keep the farm going and take goot care of seven children?”
“That kind of thinking is not the Lord’s way.”
“Ja, I know,” Joanna admitted, “but too often things are as they are anyway.”
The women’s voices faded as they moved out of Lizzie’s hearing. Their words still hurt her as Lizzie turned away from the kitchen, the leftover food platters in her hands forgotten, and nearly collided with someone.
“Lizzie.” Lydia King stood before her, startling her.
“Mam!” Lizzie gasped, nearly dropping the plates in her hands.
