Читать книгу One Winter's Sunset: The Christmas Baby Surprise / Marry Me under the Mistletoe / Snowflakes and Silver Linings - Rebecca Winters - Страница 19

CHAPTER TEN

COLE CAUGHT UP to her after the boat was back on shore and Emily was already striding up the hill. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“Back inside.” Where she belonged. Where she wouldn’t have to think about that little rise of hope she’d had a few minutes ago when Cole had offered to throw his phone away—and answered it instead. She should have known better. He was doing what he’d always done—making promises that would dissolve as soon as they got back to real life.

“I thought we were talking.”

She spun around. “I am tired of talking, Cole. We’ve done nothing but that for years. And where did it get us? Nowhere but divorced.”

“We’re not divorced yet, Emily. There’s still—”

“I don’t want to hear one more second about how there’s still a chance. How many times did I say that to you? How many times did I try to make this work? Try to change our lives? And what did you do?” She cursed under her breath and shook her head, hating the pain in her chest, the tears burning the back of her eyes. God, why did this hurt so much? When would Cole stop having a hold on her heart? She wanted to scream at him, to tell him to stop putting her through this emotional roller coaster. The same one she’d ridden so many times in the past ten years, she could predict the next loop. There’d be a high, a wonderful honeymoon period of flowers and dinners out, followed on its heels by the plummeting lows of Cole’s absence, an empty house and an empty bed. “You made a bunch of promises and then went to work. Which is what you’re going to do this time, too, Cole. I know you. That is the curse of being married to you for so long. I know what you’re going to do, and I keep coming back even though I know it’s going to hurt.”

“The company—”

“Was always number one. And I was somewhere in distant second place.” She refused to cry. To let that hurt any more than it already had. But it did, oh, how it seared against her heart, the truth a branding iron that left a jagged scar.

Silence stretched between them for a long moment. “I never meant for that to happen.”

“Yet it did, Cole. Do you know how many times I hoped and prayed and believed, and then you’d break my heart again?” She pressed a hand to her chest and forced herself to take a breath, to be strong, to sever this connection once and for all. “I can’t do that anymore. I don’t have it in me to go through that pain one more time. Not one more time.”

Emily had finally reached her breaking point. Maybe it was the baby, maybe it was being here at the inn, where she had first learned to believe in happy endings. Maybe it was that damned hope that had sprung up inside her when Cole arrived here, and when he stayed, and when he held his phone over the lake.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” she said, as much to herself as to him. “I’m done with this insanity, Cole.”

The statement exited her with a measure of frustration and relief.

Done.

All this time, she’d never used the word done. She’d always believed there was a chance, but when he’d answered his phone on the lake, she’d known the truth. He was always going to go back to the way he was, and she was always going to be the one in second place.

“I’m done, Cole,” she said again, softer this time.

“What if I’m not? What if I want to keep fighting for us?”

She shook her head, and braced her heart against the hope trying to worm its way back in there. “Where was all that six years ago, Cole? Or hell, six months ago? Now you show up, when it’s over, when we’re a few pieces of paper away from divorced, and you want me to believe you?”

“I have tried, too, Emily. I have tried to connect with you, tried to make this work. It’s not just about the company taking too much of my time. You...” He shook his head. “You stopped giving time.”

She opened her mouth to protest, then shut it again. He was right. There’d been dinners she had turned down, lunch dates she had skipped out on, late-night talks she had avoided. Cole would come and go in bursts of trying to fix them, then burying himself in work, and after a while, she learned to maintain her distance rather than trust. “It was too risky.”

“Because when it didn’t work out, you got hurt. Yeah, well, you weren’t the only one.”

In those vulnerable words, Emily heard pain, frustration, loss. An echo of what brimmed in her. They’d hurt each other, time and time again. The only thing to do, the only smart course to take, was to end this and stop the hurt, on both sides.

She nodded. “Cole, I can’t do this anymore. I mean it. I’m—” she stopped before she said she was pregnant, and trying to conserve her energy, her heart, for the baby “—done.”

Maybe if she said it enough, she would stick to that resolve. And Cole would believe her.

He eyed her, then, after a moment, nodded and let out a gust. “Then I guess my being here is a waste of my time.”

A waste of his time. That hurt. What did she expect? That he would keep fighting and fighting for their marriage, showing her finally that he was committed? Yeah, maybe she had. And now, after just a few days, Cole was giving up.

“Maybe it is,” she said, though the words hurt her throat and cost her something deep inside. She told herself it was better this way, better to let go now than to keep hoping. Sweet Pea needed a dad to depend on, not one who came and went like the wind.

* * *

The next day, Emily fiddled with her book for a couple hours but didn’t get much accomplished. The words that had flowed so easily earlier now refused to come. Probably because her mind was filled with images of Cole.

She was done, she reminded herself. Done, done, done.

He’d surprised her last night, not just with the excursion on the lake, but with the impromptu proposal. How she’d wanted to say yes, to believe that the Cole she’d seen in the past few days, the relaxed, easy man who had fallen asleep in the sun, would be the one she’d wake up next to tomorrow and every day after that.

But he wasn’t, nor did he want the same future she did. Ending it now would save her a lot of heartache down the road. Even if it felt the opposite in the light of day.

Emily gave up on writing, tugged on a thick sweatshirt, then headed outside. There was a nip in the air, a definite sign that the pretty fall days were coming to an end.

That meant she also had to start thinking about where she was going to go. She couldn’t stay here forever, though a part of her finally felt grounded here in this tiny town in Massachusetts, more familiar than the neighborhood where she’d lived with Cole for all those years. Maybe she’d rent a little house in town, settle down here and build a life with Sweet Pea. It would be a simple, uncomplicated life.

Yet the thought also saddened her. Cole didn’t want children, and once they were divorced, she doubted he’d have much to do with their baby. After their cooking fun in the kitchen, she’d hoped that maybe things would be different, but it was clear the same walls stood between them now as always. With Cole, the company came first, and family came in a distant second, if at all. She’d be raising this child on her own, and in the end, Cole would be the loser.

Cole’s rental wasn’t in the drive, but Martin Johnson’s van was, which explained why Carol had been busy fixing her hair when Emily told her she was going for a walk. Emily smiled. The inn owner was a nice woman and deserved a man who would treat her well.

“Hey, Emily,” Joe said when she stepped outside. He had a window propped on a sawhorse, removing the old glaze in order to fix a broken pane. “Cole went into town for some supplies. He should be back soon.”

“That’s okay. I’m not looking for Cole.”

Joe leaned the window against the sawhorse and crossed to Emily. “I hate seeing you guys like this. Cole’s miserable...you’re miserable. Are you sure you can’t work it out?”

“I wish we could, I really do. But it’s over.” She let out a long breath. “I still love him. Heck, I probably always will. But we just want different things out of life.”

Joe flashed her a grin. “It seemed like you were on the right track last night at dinner.”

“I thought so, too. And in a lot of ways, we are. But not in the most important ways, so I told him last night that I’m done for good.” Emily tucked her hair behind her ears. It didn’t seem right to feel this sad on such a pretty day. She had something wonderful to look forward to, and she needed to focus on that, not the problems that would soon be in her past. “I’m just tired of waiting for him to be ready to start a family and to put family first.”

“Ah, that explains a lot.” Joe grabbed a water bottle out of the cooler at his feet and took a long sip. “Did Cole say why he doesn’t want to have kids?”

“He keeps saying we haven’t done this or that. Traveled enough. Been together long enough.” She exhaled. “If you ask me, they’re all excuses.”

“If you ask me, I think you’re right.” Joe tipped the bottle in her direction and arched a brow. “The question is why a smart man like Cole would make excuses like that.”

Emily threw up her hands. “I don’t know.”

Joe nodded. His gaze went off to the distance for a moment as if he was trying to decide whether to say the next words. Finally, he returned his attention to Emily. “Did you ever meet Cole’s parents?”

“Once. A long time ago, while we were still dating. Then his dad died and his mom moved to Arizona, and... Gosh, I can’t believe it’s been that long since we’ve seen his mom.” She didn’t have the best relationship with her parents, but at least she saw them for holidays and talked to them once a week. Cole, however, didn’t call very often and had never wanted to go to Arizona. Yet another aspect of family he kept down the list from his hours at work. That alone should have told her where their child would rank.

“I’ve known Cole a long, long time,” Joe said. “And I knew his parents, too. Let’s just say he didn’t have the ideal childhood.”

“He never talks about it.” There were a few conversational topics that Cole steered away from. His childhood was one of them. She’d sensed it hadn’t been happy, something she could relate to, and had never pushed him to open up. Had she been avoiding the conversations that would have brought them closer? Had her efforts to keep the peace been part of the problem? “What happened?”

“His father was a tyrant, to put it mildly. Nothing Cole ever did was good enough. Probably why he keeps on trying to be better, even when he’s already the best in his industry. And his mother, well, she buried her head in a bottle and ignored everything around her.” Joe shook his head. “Cole pretty much raised himself and his little brother. He told me a hundred times that he never wanted to have kids and treat them like that.”

“But he’s not like either one of them. Why is he still afraid of repeating their mistakes?”

Joe shrugged. “You’d have to ask him.”

“Maybe.” Emily started to head away. She didn’t remind Joe that with the divorce looming, there’d be no conversations with Cole about his past. Done meant done, and she had to move on before she let herself get suckered back into riding that emotional roller coaster.

“Emily?” Joe said. She pivoted back. “Cole might not be the best at showing how he feels, or hell, even saying it, but believe me, that man loves you more than anything in the world. Keep an open heart.”

That man loves you more than anything in the world. How she wanted to believe that. But she thought of him answering the phone last night, and knew there were things Cole loved more than her. And always would. “I thought the expression was keep an open mind.”

“When it comes to Cole, an open heart’s a better idea.” Joe gave her a grin, then got back to work on the window.

Emily nodded, not making any promises, then strode down the dock, sat on the end and let her feet dangle above the deep blue water. The breeze skipped across the water, making it look like corrugated denim. Beautiful, serene.

She fingered the rock in her pocket and thought back to the day the four of them had found the rocks, scattered at the edge of the lake. The stones were so similar that the girls had taken it as a sign that they needed to keep them and make them special. So they’d stood by the water, holding hands and promising to always follow their dreams.

It had taken Emily a while, but she was doing that now. She wondered if Andrea and Casey were doing the same thing, or if they were stuck in Neutral like Emily had been for far too long. Oh, how she missed the other Gingerbread Girls. Maybe a talk with her friends would take her mind off Cole, and all that Joe had said.

Emily tugged out her cell, then dialed Andrea. When her old friend answered, nostalgia filled Emily’s heart. She could think of no one better to share this moment with than one of the other Gingerbread Girls. “Guess where I am?”

Andrea paused a moment, thinking. “On the end of the dock, watching for the Loch Ness monster to show up.”

Emily laughed. “Guilty as charged. I can’t believe we thought Nessie could really be here.”

“Didn’t keep us from swimming. Heck, our parents had to drag us out of the water most days.”

So many memories, wrapped up in this magical place and those endless summers they had spent here. Such a blessing that their parents had loved this place just as much, bringing the families together summer after summer. The Gingerbread Girls had bonded, and been off all day, swimming, playing badminton, chasing boys...just being young and free. “We did have a lot of fun here.”

“My best memories are all in that place.” Andrea sighed. “Is Carol still planning on selling?”

Emily hadn’t brought up the subject with Carol because she didn’t want to hear the answer. She hoped that once the building was fixed, the innkeeper would change her mind. “I’m not sure. Cole has been doing a lot of repairs—”

“He’s still there?”

Emily tossed a leaf into the water and watched it float away. “He wants a second chance. He keeps telling me things will be different.”

“Maybe they will. Maybe the separation really changed him. I mean, he’s still there, not at work, right? For a workaholic to take that much time off must mean something. Don’t you think?”

Emily wanted to believe that, but she’d had her hopes dashed a thousand times before. And now, with the baby on the way, and Cole’s insistence that they not add kids into their marriage, she didn’t see a way to make it work, regardless of how many hours he spent here.

Not to mention there were things about himself that he had shared with Joe and not with her. His wife. If anything told Emily that their relationship wasn’t on solid ground, that did.

“The fundamental differences between us are still there, Andrea,” she said. “Nothing has changed that. I told him I’m moving forward with the divorce.”

“I’m sorry. I know that’s got to be hard on you.”

“I’m okay. One of the things I’m finding by being on my own is that I’m stronger than I thought.” She watched a lone bird skim the surface of the water, elegant and clean, then make a sudden dive for a fish. “Plus, I’m finally writing that book I wanted to write, and being responsible for me and only me. So even if Cole wanted to get back together, I’m not the same Emily I was before.”

“That’s fabulous. And I’ll get to see that for myself when I get out there in a couple weeks.”

“You’re coming? Oh, that’s awesome! It’ll be so great to see you.”

Andrea sighed. “You were right—I do need a break—and what better place to take a break than at the inn with all of you? And maybe the two of us can convince Carol that she needs to hold on to that place.”

Emily smiled. “She’d be powerless against the combined strength of the Gingerbread Girls.”

“You know it. Together, we were an unstoppable force.” Then Andrea’s voice lowered almost to a whisper. “Even without Melissa.”

“That’s why I’m here,” Emily said. “Because of her letter. I want to go after my dreams before it’s too late.”

“That’s the right attitude. And I’ll be right there with you, soon. Take care, Emily.”

“I will. See you soon.” She hung up the phone and leaned back to turn her face to the sun. The wind rustled in the trees, creaked with the swaying dock and ruffled her hair. She closed her eyes and just let the day wash over her.

“Maybe I should have built a lake at the house in New York. Added a dock, a little boat.” Cole’s voice, behind her.

One of these days her stubborn heart would stop leaping every time Cole was around. But that day wasn’t today.

She thought about what Joe had said. Maybe there was more to the story, more to Cole than she realized. Maybe she should keep an open heart. For a little while longer.

“And if we had a lake at the house in New York, would we go fishing at the end of the day?” she asked, turning toward him. “I can just see you out there in hip waders with a fly rod.”

“What, you don’t think I’d look sexy in hip waders?”

She laughed. Picturing Cole in the long boots, with his jeans and mussed longish hair sent a ribbon of heat through her. That resolve to be done, to distance herself from him, fizzled for a moment. “You...you would look sexy in anything. Except maybe hip waders.”

“I could rock some hip waders. I’ll have to get some just to prove it to you.” He cocked a hip and struck a pose.

She laughed more, and realized how long it had been since she’d laughed about something silly with Cole. Those days had got lost in the stress of building a business, then the busyness of the social life expected of someone in the upper orbit of moneymakers. She glanced at Cole and saw the smile lighting his face, his eyes. No matter what happened in the future, she hoped he managed to find more time and room for laughter. “You’ve looked so relaxed these past few days, Cole. So...happy. I haven’t seen you like that in a long time.”

He gestured toward the space beside her. Emily nodded, and Cole sat down on the dock’s edge. “I didn’t realize how much I was working until I wasn’t there every day.” He glanced over at her. “All those years you told me I needed to take a vacation, and I didn’t. I guess I thought the place would fall apart if I wasn’t there.”

“And is it?”

He chuckled. “Probably. Given how many messages are on my phone, and how often people call me. Like last night. That was a problem with the shipping company that had Doug in a panic. I got it straightened out, then told Doug not to call me unless the building was on fire. I hired good people, and they’ll figure those things out. That is, after all, what I pay them to do, as Irene and you have reminded me.”

“They’re probably all still in shock that you actually took several days off in a row.”

He nodded, then picked up a stick from the dock and flung it into the water. “I should have done it years ago. Maybe then we wouldn’t be where we are now.”

“Maybe.” She watched the stick float for a moment, then disappear beneath one of the ripples in the lake. “There was a lot more wrong in our marriage than the fact that we never went on vacations, you know.”

“But if we had gone on vacation more often, then maybe we could have talked about those other things.” He flung another stick out onto the water and waited until a wave devoured it. “That’s why I’m not going back to work anytime soon. I’m staying until this place is fixed or—” he turned to face her “—until we are.”

“Cole, I can’t—”

He put up a finger, pressing it to her lips. She closed her eyes, inhaled his familiar cologne, and with it, the desire for the man she had married. “Don’t say that. I know you want to file. I know you’re done. But I started something here that I want to finish, and if we’re going to be staying in the same place, all I ask is for a few more days. After ten years, a few days isn’t much, Emily. Is it?”

She shivered as the wind kicked up, and tugged the zipper of her sweatshirt higher. “Then tell me the real reason you don’t want to have kids, Cole.”

He opened his mouth, closed it again. “I never said I didn’t want to have kids, Emily. Just not now.”

“Why?”

“I don’t have a reason why. It’s just not the right time.”

Why wouldn’t he open up to her? Tell her at least what he had told Joe? She wanted to tell him she already knew, but didn’t want to betray Joe’s confidence, either. The urge to yell at Cole returned, but where had fighting ever got them? All that anger had created a wall, and people didn’t communicate through walls. So she took a deep breath instead.