Читать книгу A Christmas Family Miracle: Snowbound with Her Hero / Baby Under the Christmas Tree / Single Dad's Christmas Miracle - Rebecca Winters - Страница 9

CRYSTAL CLIMBED IN the backseat with Philippe while Arlette sat in the front seat with Raoul for the drive back to the chalet. The short drive only took five minutes. After seeing Jules’s reaction, everyone was in higher spirits, but Crystal feared the surprise might have been too much and had drained his strength.

“Stop fretting, Crystal. You and Philippe were just what the doctor ordered,” Raoul said. He’d glanced at her several times through the rearview mirror, reading her mind.

“How soon can he come home?”

Arlette turned her head toward Philippe. “That’s up to the doctor to decide, but if I know your grandfather, he wants to come home tomorrow.”

“I wish he could.”

“So do I, but since he can’t, I have a surprise for you.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll find out as soon as we reach the house.”

There was another car in the drive when Raoul stopped the car. Before everyone got out, Vivige appeared on the front porch with her children.

“There’s Albert. Hooray!”

The two older brunettes, Fleur and Lise, nine and ten respectively, followed Vivige, who hurried down the steps to hug Crystal while Philippe got reacquainted with towheaded Albert. They all started to go in the house, but Crystal noticed that Raoul didn’t join them.

Philippe turned to him. “Come on, Uncle Raoul!”

“I’ll be back later when it’s time for dinner.”

“But I don’t want you to go.”

“Philippe—” Crystal put her hands on his shoulders. “He hasn’t even been home yet or seen his girlfriend.” If she kept saying it long enough, maybe she’d be able to handle it. She would have to if she were to acquire a new sister-in-law down the road. “We’ll talk to him later, honey. Don’t forget your cousins are waiting.”

“Okay.” He kicked at the snow with his boot. “Promise you’ll come back?” Philippe had enjoyed his uncle’s exclusive attention since his arrival in Breckenridge. It was hard for him to give it up, even for a short while.

“Bien sûr. Ciao.”

Philippe must have remembered that word because his cute little face brightened. “Ciao.”

Everyone hurried through the house into the kitchen for cocoa and the special cookies Vivige made at Christmas for the kids. All the distractions made the time pass quickly. Crystal got them settled in and helped with dinner. As they were finishing their dessert, Raoul entered the dining room.

She looked up, expecting that he’d brought his girlfriend. Crystal had been dreading it, but to her relief he’d come alone. She could tell he’d showered and shaved. In wool slacks and a navy sweater with a wide white stripe, his male appeal overwhelmed her.

His gaze took in everyone before leveling on her. “Sorry I’m late, but I had a small crisis to attend to at work.” Most likely he’d been with Sylvie Beliveau and had forgotten the time.

“Sit next to Mom.” Philippe’s suggestion took Crystal by surprise when there were two other empty seats. After he complied, her son said, “Uncle Bernard called our dessert les pets de nonne. Why did everyone laugh?”

Raoul’s lips twitched. “Well, nuns sometimes make noises just like other people.”

“You mean burps?”

“That and other things.”

In a second Philippe figured it out and laughed so hard it made everyone laugh. Vivige stood up from the table. “Come on, everyone. We’ll play a game in the other room and let Uncle Raoul finish his dinner in peace. Then we have to go home because you have school in the morning.”

The children gave a collective groan.

Crystal appreciated the change of subject and the exodus. Once they were left alone she told him what his sister had brought up earlier about Philippe possibly attending school with Albert.

“She said it was your idea, Raoul. I think it’s wonderful. While things are so rocky with your father, it would be good if Philippe’s in school so I can be a support to your mother. If you suggested it, he just might go along with it.”

He finished the rest of his coffee. “It’s worth a try. If he’s willing, why don’t I come by in the morning and pick up the two of you. We’ll drive to the school and talk to Albert’s teacher. If she’s in agreement, we’ll see how it goes. If he starts feeling too insecure, they can call me and we’ll go pick him up.”

She drew in a deep breath. “You’re a good man, Raoul Broussard.” Just keep thinking of him as a good man, Crystal. Your brother-in-law. Someone else’s boyfriend. Nothing else.

“That remains to be seen. Let’s take him upstairs now and talk to him. I think you need bed as much as he does.”

His remark didn’t require a comment. Crystal imagined she’d never looked worse. She got up from the table and followed him to the salon. Fleur was declared the winner of charades and good-nights were said.

Raoul grabbed Philippe and put him on his shoulders. Crystal trailed them and heard her son whoop it up all the way to the bedroom where he dove onto the double bed. He lay there looking up at his uncle. “Can Mom and I come over to your house tomorrow?”

No-o, Philippe.

“You can after I get home from work, but there’s something I’d like you to do for me first.”

“What?”

“Albert is very happy you’re here and he wants you to go to school with him tomorrow.”

“School?” Philippe looked like he’d never heard of it.

“It might be fun to see what it’s like here.”

He blinked. “Do I have to go?”

“No, honey,” Crystal said. “It’s your choice. But if you stay home, you can’t go over to your uncle’s until he’s through with his work.”

The wheels were turning. “Do you think Albert’s teacher is mean?”

Raoul chuckled. “Not that I’ve heard. You could go tomorrow and find out.”

“I’ll go with you, honey. If you’re unhappy, the school will call and I’ll come and get you. But you’ll have to do your part and be good while you sit next to your cousin. Think about it and you can tell me in the morning. Now it’s time for your bath.”

“Okay.” He got off the bed. “Are you going home now, Uncle Raoul?”

“Just as soon as I look in on your grandfather one more time.” Raoul gave him a hug, then flashed her a glance. “If I don’t hear from you in the morning, then I’ll be by at quarter to eight.”

She walked him out to the hallway away from her son, who’d disappeared into the en suite bathroom. “I’m indebted to you for taking such wonderful care of me and Philippe. He needed this trip and it’s obvious your father needs him. I want him to get well and I’ll do whatever I can to help make it happen. But I don’t want Philippe to become a burden to you while we’re here.”

His dark brows knit together. “A burden … Philippe?”

Her pulse sped up. “You know what I mean. You’re his favorite person. He’d spend every moment with you if he could.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“But Sylvie—is it?—might not like having to share you with him.”

He stared at her long and hard. “Sounds like Vivige has been doing some talking, but despite her wishful thinking, that relationship never got off the ground.”

To Crystal’s consternation, her first reaction was one of fierce relief. “I’m sorry I said anything. She happened to mention it because—”

“Because the family still worries about me,” he interrupted. “The only person who’s important right now is Philippe. I happen to love that child.” His jaw hardened. “On the way to the hospital the day you went into labor, you both almost lost your lives. That’s not something I’ll forget.”

“Neither will I,” she whispered.

“If you’re about to tell me to keep my distance, it’s too late for that.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“Oh, yes, you did,” he added in a wintry tone. “But I’ve learned through bitter experience that feelings have a life of their own and come to the surface whether we like it or not. Philippe’s too young and innocent to know about that yet. He just does what comes naturally from the sweetness in his nature. Let’s pray he never loses that gift.”

He wheeled around and strode swiftly down the hall toward the stairs. She hadn’t meant to upset him and ran after him. “Please don’t go yet. Please—” she begged.

Her cry caused him to pause at the top step. “We’re both exhausted, Crystal.” His drawn features verified his words. She thought he was about to say something else, then thought the better of it. “Get a good night’s sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow when you’re up to hearing the list of your son’s grievances.”

She gripped the top of the cutwork wooden balcony until her knuckles grew white. “Why didn’t he tell me?”

Raoul had already reached the bottom step. He looked up. “That’s easy. He loves you too much to hurt you. If he were to do that, then his whole world would collapse. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped punishing him for something that’s not his fault?”

Crystal stood there long after he’d disappeared. Raoul’s question had reached down inside her core and had exposed her to herself, forcing her to face an important truth. She’d been feeling so guilty about not loving Eric anymore, she’d become too self-reliant. In the process, she hadn’t realized how it was affecting Philippe, but she knew it now.

With their dark blond hair and Broussard features, Philippe and Albert could almost pass for brothers and were close to the same height. They looked so cute sitting in Albert’s class at the same table with two classmates.

Being a year younger than the others, Philippe had his pride to consider. Crystal felt that would be the reason he made it through the day, if he could last that long.

She stood next to Raoul in the open doorway to the school room as if they were his parents. It should have been Eric standing there with her, but life wasn’t fair and it hadn’t turned out that way, depriving Philippe of a father.

Her eyes smarted as she watched the teacher welcome Albert’s cousin to class. When the introductions were over, Philippe looked back at them with a little smile and gave them a wave.

Another smile. She’d seen more of them since his uncle had turned up than she’d seen in a whole year.

“We’d better go before I burst into tears.” She started down the hall toward the exit. “I feel like this is his first day of school.”

“At a French school anyway,” Raoul murmured as he opened the front door for them. “We’ll go back to my house for something to eat while we talk.” He cupped her elbow to help walk her to the car so she wouldn’t slip on the snow. The gesture was automatic to him, but she was acutely aware of his touch no matter how hard she tried not to think about it.

He lived in Les Pecles near his parents’ home in a smaller, more modern chalet with exposed beams. She’d been welcomed into his house many times as his sister-in-law, but today she was plagued by fear to be alone with him.

Never in his life had he done anything to make her feel uncomfortable. It was an old primitive fear all on her part that had come on a month before Eric’s death. She could still remember the moment when Philippe had been waiting for his daddy to come home so they could play together. But her husband had forgotten his promise in a long string of unkept promises.

While her son was in tears out in front pulling his little red wagon around, Raoul happened to pull up to the condo and had caught both of them in a vulnerable moment. When he’d put an arm around them to give comfort, a feeling had crept through her that was so far from being sisterly, she’d come close to fainting.

The revelation filled her with such tremendous guilt and shame, it made her ill. She’d suffered a headache for days afterward.

From then on she was so horrified by her attraction to Raoul, she’d begged Eric to reconsider moving.

If not Breckenridge, then somewhere else in Europe where he could train for part of the year. She’d used all her powers of reasoning and persuasion, but he wouldn’t budge on the subject and told her to leave it alone.

After his death, she’d wanted to leave for Colorado immediately, but the whole family insisted she stay. They needed her and Philippe, and she needed them. It was true, except that she could see Philippe clinging to his uncle all the time. With the paparazzi around taking pictures of the Broussards at every opportunity, speculation always abounded. She had to end it because Raoul wasn’t his father.

And there was more to it than that. Raoul had been seeing other women. One day he’d fall in love again and get married. For Philippe to get any more attached and then have to fight for his uncle’s attention with a new aunt would spell more heartache for her son, who’d been through enough losing his father.

Determined to spare him that, she’d found the strength to leave Chamonix before Christmas. She was convinced Philippe would thrive around her family. It had been the right thing to do for all their sakes, or so she’d thought. Now here they were, back again, and she was terrified by her feelings that had only gained in strength after seeing him again.

Once Raoul helped her in the car she said, “Let’s eat at the Château des Enfants. It’s right here in Les Mouilles. In case we get a call from the school, we can come right back.” She’d thrown out the first idea to enter her head. Going on to his house would not be a good idea.

“If that’s what you’d prefer.” His response eased her anxiety. “But I’m prepared to wager Philippe will stick it out.”

“Maybe.” She stared straight ahead. “Do you have any news about Jules this morning?”

“I talked to the nurse a little while ago. She said he had the best night’s sleep he’s had since being admitted and his blood pressure was down.”

“That’s marvelous news. I’m so thankful.”

“We all are. My mother’s going to stay with him most of the day.” He drove them the few blocks it took to reach the quaint café full of skiers and tourists. Crystal had eaten here many times with the children. It was a great place for snacks and hot drinks close to Vivige’s house. Noisy. Safe.

Raoul found a table for them in the back and put in an order for bread and honey with a pot of hot chocolate. “After school we’ll take Philippe and Albert over to see him.”

“You have more faith that Philippe will last the whole day than I do.” She finally lifted her eyes to him. She found his scrutiny unnerving. “Don’t think I don’t appreciate everything you’ve done for us, but I’m worried about you. Don’t you need to be at work? After flying to the States and back, you probably have a dozen fires to put out.”

“The staff has handled every crisis, leaving me free to take care of my family. I’ll drop in there sometime today.” His calm demeanor managed to unsettle her nerves even more. Crystal didn’t know how much longer she could take being alone with him like this, not when she was enjoying it too much.

“Now that Philippe isn’t with us, I’m ready to hear that list of grievances you told me about.”

After their food was served he said, “Do I really have to spell it out for you when we both know one word would cover it?”

Heat swamped her cheeks.

Raoul leaned forward. “He’s been homesick. Whether you want to believe it or not, you raised a little French boy. Every time I talked to him on the phone, he cried that he wanted to go home. There were times when he begged me to come and get him, not because he didn’t love you, but because you refused to take him.”

She bit her lip so hard, she was surprised it didn’t draw blood. “But Eric isn’t here.”

A strange quiet surrounded Raoul. “No, he’s not.”

Feeling more tongue-tied than ever she said, “I’m hoping that by the time we go home after Christmas, your father will be better and it won’t be nearly so hard for Philippe because he’ll realize that what he’d really wanted to come here for was gone.”

Except that wasn’t true and they both knew it. Philippe loved his French family and worshipped his uncle Raoul. Far too much.

She poured honey on her bread and began eating. To her dismay her emotions were in such chaos, she couldn’t taste anything. On the other hand Raoul had finished off his bread and hot chocolate in no time at all.

“Don’t be surprised if Breckenridge never feels like home to him, Crystal.”

Ready for that she said, “But it’s my home.” Raoul had no idea she was fighting for her life. “When we leave Chamonix this time, I’ll make a promise to bring him back during his spring recess. That will help make another separation less painful.”

His dark blue eyes impaled her. “You think?” He suddenly pushed himself away from the table and stood up, sending out shock waves that assailed her body.

She noticed he’d dressed in a white Scandinavian sweater of primarily blues and gray in the yoke. Between that and his attractively disheveled black hair, he drew the eye of every female in the café. Even Crystal, who was struggling not to be aware of him, could see that no male in Chamonix, let alone France, came close in comparison.

“Come on. I’ll take you to the house on my way to work.”

No. No more togetherness right now.

“Thank you, Raoul, but I think I’ll stay here and have another cup of hot chocolate. After that, I’m going to do some serious Christmas shopping.”

She heard his sharp intake of breath. “You’re sure? Jet lag will probably catch up with you.”

Crystal had never been more sure of anything. “Yes. I gave the secretary at the school my cell phone number, too. If there’s a problem, I’ll be close by. If all goes well, then I’ll meet you at the school at three.”

After a noticeable silence he said, “Bon.”

She forced herself not to stare at him as he put down money and left the café. Once his tall, dark figure had disappeared, she poured herself another drink, then looked up the nearest car rental on her phone.

Raoul would have lent her a car from the business in a second, but she didn’t want any more favors from him. She needed to be independent this trip. Before leaving Chamonix she’d given Eric’s family the sports car. She had no idea what they’d done with it. As for their Peugeot, she’d sold it in order to buy another car for her and Philippe after they reached Breckenridge.

At first the man at the rental car place told her there were none available right now because of Christmas. But when he heard the name Broussard, magic happened. Within ten minutes a driver pulled up in front of the café and drove her to the rental agency.

She was touched that all the employees working there offered their condolences about Eric and asked for her autograph. One of the cute younger men said, “Are you here to do some racing?” His eyes danced.

“Not this time.”

“I like to ski, but I need to perfect my technique. Maybe the great Crystal Broussard could give me a few lessons? I’m off day after tomorrow. I would be the envy of every man in the valley. Please tell me you’ll say yes.”

He was hitting on her, but he was nice and it built her confidence. After the way Eric had forgotten she’d been a skier, too, this man’s attention was a balm to the loss of her self-esteem.

“I won’t be skiing this holiday, but you’re very kind to ask. Maybe another time.”

She signed on the dotted line for the car and drove away, thinking hard about the guy who’d asked her for a ski lesson. If the truth be told, while he’d been flirting with her, she’d wished it had been Raoul. But that had to remain her secret.

As for the rental car guy, he’d actually given her an idea. Provided Jules kept improving, she might just do some skiing tomorrow morning after she dropped Philippe off at school. It was hard to believe she hadn’t been on skis since Eric’s death.

For the next few hours she went in and out of the darling shops for children and bought toys she knew Philippe would love. When they went home she would have to buy another suitcase just to get everything back to Breckenridge, but she couldn’t resist the items you could never find in the States.

Another day she’d take Philippe shopping. Together they’d pick out gifts for the cousins and family, but today was the perfect time to get his. She’d keep them hidden in the trunk and he’d never know. When he was asleep, she’d smuggle them into the house.

She arrived back at the school at quarter to three, surprised there’d been no call yet. Eager to know how his day had gone, she slipped inside the building and stood outside the door to his room.

The children were doing their maths. Philippe’s blond head was bent over the desk while he wrote, reminding her of Schroeder, the little boy bent over his piano playing Beethoven in the Charlie Brown cartoon. The thought brought a smile to her face.

“Looks like your son is thriving.”

Raoul. She felt his warmth. “Yes,” she said without looking at him.

“All that worry for nothing.”

The bell rang, preventing her from having to answer because the children shouted in happiness and came charging out of the room. Philippe flew into her arms. “The teacher said I could come all the time!”

With those words it meant he wanted to be at school with Albert. His homesickness was cured simply by being back. “That’s wonderful, honey.”

In the next breath she hugged Albert. “Thank you for being such a good friend to him.”

“It was fun. The teacher asked him to help us with our English. When he told us the name of his favorite dessert in English, the class laughed their heads off.”

Raoul grinned. “The Americans have their funny names for food, too.” When Crystal looked at him, his eyes were laughing, filling a dark space inside her. After the way he’d left the café earlier, she didn’t think it was possible. “You’ll have to tell that story to Grand-père. Let’s go see him. I happen to know he’s waiting for you two.”

Taking a fortifying breath, Crystal went down the hall and out the door with the three of them. When they reached the car, she said, “You guys go with Uncle Raoul. I’ll follow in my car.”

Philippe’s eyes grew huge. “You bought a new car?”

“No, honey. It’s a rental to use while we’re here. See you in a few minutes.” She kept walking toward the red car, not wanting to witness Raoul’s reaction.

He’d been waiting on her and Philippe for too long. Eric was gone now and things had changed. Arranging for a rental car made the statement that Raoul didn’t have to take care of her anymore. That was how she wanted it.

The boys waved to her en route to the hospital. Albert was the blessing Philippe needed right now. He provided the companionship her son had been denying himself.

When they reached the hospital and the boys crowded around their grand-père’s bed, she could see they were a blessing to Jules too. He was delighted to see them and laughed when they told him all about their day at school.

The best news was that he no longer wore an oxygen tube and was propped up eating some broth. She glanced at Raoul, who didn’t look as worried as before. The signs of recovery couldn’t be better.

Suddenly he caught her staring at him. His eyes spoke for him. She felt his chastisement. You should never have left. See what coming back with me has done for him?

Yes, she saw. She also sensed he wasn’t pleased she’d acted on her own to get the rental car, but he had to understand she wanted him to get on with his own life. Crystal had to get on with hers and was doubly thankful she’d rented it. Now she could come and go with Philippe on her own. That way Raoul would have no reason to be on call for them day and night.

After the children had entertained Jules with more stories about school, she gave him a kiss. “My father always told me a good visit was a short one. We’re going to leave now so you can rest and get better.”

“I’m feeling like a new man.”

“That’s the best news in the world. When we come back tomorrow, I hope to see you walking around.” She squeezed his hand.

“Ciao, Grand-père.” Both boys blew him a kiss before they left the room.

Jules’s laughter followed them out the door. “Ciao, mes petits-fils!” His voice was definitely stronger.

Crystal ushered them from the hospital to Raoul’s car. “Say goodbye to Albert, honey. Uncle Raoul’s going to drive him home.”

He threw his head back to look at her. “But Uncle Raoul said we could go over to his house.”

“Not tonight, honey. Your grandmother will have dinner ready and you’re going to need an early night if you’re going to school again tomorrow.”

“But I want us to go with him.” The first sign of tears and rebellion all day. “He said we could if I went to school.”

“That’s true.” Raoul’s deep voice sounded behind her. “If you can’t join us, I’ll get him home early.”

Crystal remembered that was the deal. “All right.” She kissed both boys and waved them off before getting in her car without looking at Raoul.

After she drove home, she put the presents in the storeroom and hurried upstairs. Arlette had dinner waiting. They talked about Jules and Philippe, especially about the hard year he’d had. Right in the middle of their conversation, Philippe came running in the kitchen ahead of Raoul.

She prayed they hadn’t heard anything. Her son hurried over to her. “Are you crying?”

“Yes.” She smiled and gave him a hug. “We were talking about what a terrific boy you are. That always makes me cry.”

“Your mother’s right.” Arlette reached for him and gave him a kiss. “You’ve been gone all day and I’ve missed you. Did you have a good time?”

“Yes. We went skating. Uncle Raoul says I’m awesome.”

Crystal rubbed his dark blond head. “That doesn’t surprise me. Have you thanked him?”

“Yes.” He turned to Raoul. “Didn’t I?”

“Several times.” She felt his gaze on her. “Maybe next time you’ll come with us.”

“I’d love it.”

Since coming back to Chamonix, she’d made a resolution to be more active with her son instead of taking a backseat. If it meant being with Raoul in the process while they were here, then she’d do it. She didn’t want Philippe thinking she was purposely avoiding his uncle.

Christmas would be here soon. Hopefully her father-in-law would be well enough by then that she could take Philippe back to Breckenridge and start a new year free of pain. With the understanding that they would come again in the spring, she was counting on her son not having a complete meltdown.

She turned to Raoul. “Thanks again for being the greatest uncle on earth, as Philippe always says. Now it’s time for a young man I know to get ready for bed. I’ll go upstairs and start your bath. Say good-night to everyone.”

After leaving Crystal, Raoul drove on home. He pulled off his boots and opened the fridge for a beer, but he was out. Not wanting anything else, he shut the door and wandered into the living room without turning on the lights.

At night he often left them off to enjoy the natural snowscape outside his window. Though he’d lived here all his life, the scenery always blew his mind. It reminded him of those deeply crevassed glaciers of the Himalayas, only these glaciers angled toward the Chamonix valley from Mont Blanc.

Tonight the vista reminded him of his earlier conversation with Philippe. When he’d brought his nephew home for dinner, Philippe had pointed to it. “I think that mountain looks like a king with a huge crown of ice on his head. Don’t you?”

Raoul had squeezed his shoulder. “That’s exactly how it looks.” He glanced down at the boy who noticed everything and had a reverence for nature. Somehow without him realizing it, Philippe had climbed into his heart a long time ago and had taken up residence.

“How come you don’t have a tree yet?”

“I was waiting for you to come. Day after tomorrow I’ll be free and we’ll go find one. You can make some decorations for it. How does that sound?” He hadn’t had the Christmas spirit for years.

The boy rested his blond head against Raoul. With a sigh he said, “I wish Mommy and I could live with you all the time and never have to go away.”

In that instant, those words had wrapped Raoul in their sweet tentacles and wouldn’t let him go.

“I’d like the same thing,” he whispered in a moment of truth. Deep down he’d wanted it for a long time, but had fought it with everything in him.

Philippe lifted hopeful blue eyes to him. “Please, will you ask Mommy? She’ll listen to you.”

Raoul’s body gave up a shudder. He couldn’t believe he’d just said those words aloud in front of Philippe. It was like lighting a fuse. “I wish it were that simple, mon gamin, but I’m not your daddy.” As Crystal had said, But Eric isn’t here. Had she said it thinking of Philippe’s feelings, or had she expressed them for her own sake? That was the question he needed to have answered.

“I don’t care,” Philippe answered right back.

“Talitha’s mommy lives with her boyfriend and he’s not her daddy.”

“The girl on oxygen?”

“Yup.”

He looked down at Philippe. “Did her daddy die?”

“She doesn’t have a daddy.”

Out of the mouths of babes. “I thought you didn’t make any friends at your school.”

“Talitha’s not my friend. I heard some kids talk about her.”

Raoul’s heart thundered in his chest. He was in such deep water already, he didn’t dare let this subject continue. “Come on. Let’s put your parka on so we can go ice skating. We’ll have to hurry since you’ve got school in the morning.”

All along he’d planned to drive Philippe to school every day. It would give him an excuse to be with Crystal, who never lighted long enough for them to have an in-depth conversation. Unfortunately her move to get a rental car had thrown him, but it didn’t change his intention of being there for his nephew. If she didn’t like it, that was too bad. Philippe wanted and expected to be with him now that he was here.

Like a wound that had been torn open again, his conversation with Philippe had brought all his agony to the surface, leaving him bleeding all over the place. He needed to do something about his turmoil or he honestly didn’t know how he was going to make it through the night, let alone the rest of his life.