Читать книгу The Fatherless Father - Reco Inc. McDaniel - Страница 8

“God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.” –Jewish Proverb

There comes a time for many single mothers when they come to the realization that their child’s father is never coming back. He won’t be there to take his child to get ice cream, and he won’t take them on carnival rides at the local fair. He won’t scold them for climbing the tree on the playground, and he won’t be there to comfort them when someone breaks their heart.

He will never show up.

In an ideal world, a mother would not have to raise her family on her own. This is the kind of place I wish for every person walking the planet—a place where the family unit works together as one, and a world where family disagreements between mothers and fathers are reconciled, everyone sits down together at dinner to talk about their days, and kids feel loved by both of their parents. However, this ideal world isn’t the reality for a number of people. Some mothers are forced to raise their children on their own.

There are some of these fathers who do show up to help raise their children, but they’re only there sporadically, never playing an active part in their children’s lives. They may give money every so often or send a birthday card to their child when they remember, but they’re never there like a father should be. It is unfortunate how many men don’t understand how this type of behavior can be detrimental to their sons and daughters. At the end of the day, a child needs to grow up in a household where they feel love and support from both parents: two things that matter most during a child’s developmental years.

I don’t remember the first time I realized my father would no longer be a part of my life. My last interaction with my father was when I was 2 years old. The next time he was brought up was when my mother told me she was no longer receiving child support from him and no one knew where he was. Imagine how hard this was to hear for a young boy. I grew up watching The Cosby Show, wishing Bill Cosby was my dad. Here was this fictional character on TV, giving the same love and support I referred to earlier to his five children. Imagine that: FIVE KIDS. He knew the behavior and tendencies of all his children.

He taught Vanessa a lesson when she came home intoxicated. He was there when Theo and Justine broke up, and he encouraged his son to sing a song entitled, “Justine, Justine.” He interacted with Rudy and her young friends when they’d come over for slumber parties. He was even supportive of Denise when she wanted to go off to Africa to be a photographer’s assistant. He was that kind of father that knew the highs and lows of all his children and treated them accordingly. There were so many times when I wished I had that kind of man in my life—someone who would be there for me during my proudest moments and my times of struggle yet would love me just the same.

Instead, I was dealing with a man that completely disappeared from my life.

It was during those tough moments that my mother made the decision to raise me on her own. She realized she didn’t want a man around her son who didn’t truly want to be active in his life. I’m not saying it didn’t matter whether or not my father was there, I’m saying that she decided she would try her best in ensuring it didn’t negatively affect my life. This decision involved several things:

1.She made the decision to support me financially on her own. I’m sure many single mothers out there know how tough it is to raise their children while hopping back and forth between numerous jobs. My mother held down two to three jobs at a time while still doing her best to be there for me emotionally.

2.She would be the one to have the serious life talks with me. I’ll get more into this in Chapter 12, but to sum it up, she was the one that had to break down topics like the “birds and the bees” and what it meant to really be a man. I know there are skeptics out there that believe a woman can’t raise a boy on her own. They believe there are certain talks and situations that a woman won’t know how to handle appropriately. However, I am here to tell you this myth isn’t always true. I am proof that a woman can decide to parent on her own and still get it right.

3.She was ready to sacrifice her needs for my own. I know that mothers in two-parent households and mothers who share custody with the father make these decisions, but I believe it holds a little more weight for women who are in it on their own. My mother was responsible for me, but I can only imagine what it would have been like for her if she had to take care of a handful of children, like many women do each day. NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar once said, “I think that the good and the great are only separated by the willingness to sacrifice.” My mother was one of the greats who knew what it took to get things done.

There are a multitude of other times when she put my needs before her own. I can remember one situation when I was around 7 years old. I knew she was hungry because, like me, she hadn’t eaten anything since the previous day. It was time for breakfast, but there were only enough eggs and grits for one person. What did she do? She sacrificed for me because she wanted me to “go to school with a clear mind, an eager learning appetite, and a full stomach.” At the time, I took that type of sacrifice for granted. I thought it was just what a mom was supposed to do for her child. As I got older, I realized there were an unfortunate amount of parents out there, both men and women, who never put their children’s needs before their own. Those are the type of parents we should pray for and help create awareness for so they can help their children.

There were other moments when I was in elementary school and junior high school when I needed appropriate clothing because I began to grow pretty fast. It was all my mother could do to keep me clothed in garments that actually fit my body and feet. She would take on another job to make sure I had name-brand clothes like Duck Head, Levi, Guess Jeans, and Izod. I even remember when she bought me the Cross Color shorts that the young rap group Kris Kross used to wear. Each school year, she made sure that I had what I needed. It was almost as though she predicted greatness for me and wanted to ensure I had all the necessary things that would get me to my goal of success. I don’t think I ever owned a pair of Jordans, but I had what I needed. My mother did her best with what she had. I couldn’t ask for more than that.

When I reflect on what I was going through during that time, I understand that there are countless children and mothers that are going through those same types of situations. Think of all the women throughout history that decided they wouldn’t let a fatherless home handicap their children and gave their offspring all they could when they could. That’s love. That is the kind of selfless, unconditional love that many women around the world decide to give, even when they know it will drain them financially, emotionally, and mentally. They do it because they know they must; they do it because it is in their hearts.

My advice to individuals who are not going through these challenges is to reach out to others who are living in fatherless homes and see how you can help them prosper and how you can help lift them up. Whether you’re living in a two-parent household or it’s just you and your child, remember that we all need help in this journey through life. No one, I repeat, NO ONE should be too proud to receive a helping hand from someone else. This is how many successful projects and business deals are completed in the real world: Person A consults with Person B, Person B gives his opinion by mapping out the pros and cons of each choice, and then after a great deal of thought, Person A makes a decision. This also happens in your everyday life. Trying to make a large family dinner? You ask your son to help you in the kitchen. Trying to decide whether or not a man would be a positive influence in your life? You ask your sister for her opinion of his character. Not sure whether you should end a friendship with a classmate? You go to your mom for help. We should never be afraid to branch out on our own, but it also helps to have a valuable opinion from a quality person to help you along the way.

Finally, it’s important to remember, if you are ever faced with the decision to parent on your own, whether or not by your own volition, you’re really never alone. I want to end this chapter with a story about a Cherokee Indian boy and his father. The boy’s father told his son that for him to become a man, he would have to participate in a test that all Indian boys have to go through to become a man. Each boy that transitioned into becoming a man that had passed this test could not share it with the other Indian boys. The boy was told that his father would take him far out into the woods away from the village. After they arrived in the woods, the father would blindfold the boy and have him sit on a stump. After he was blindfolded, the father would leave and go back to the village, and the boy would have to remain sitting on the stump the entire night by himself. The boy could not take the blindfold off or leave in order for him to make this transition.

After arriving deep in the woods, the boy was blindfolded, the father left, and then night finally came. While sitting there, the boy heard all types of noises. Was that an animal that could attack him? Is that the sound of another Indian from another tribe that could kill him? These questions ran through the young boy’s mind, but he had to keep the blindfold on. Hours passed, and eventually, the boy felt the sunshine from the next day on his skin; he could see the brightness peek through the covering over his eyes. When he took the blindfold off of his eyes, he was surprised to see something: his father sitting across from him. Apparently, his father had sat out in the woods with his son the entire night, protecting him and making sure no harm came to him.

The moral of the story is that as we travel through this journey called life, just like the Indian boy, we are never alone; God is always by our side and protecting us. So, it is extremely important to remember that just because we can’t see God, it doesn’t mean he’s not there.

God is always with us in the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. There’s a saying that we should “walk by faith, and not by sight,” and this is something that is true and that we all should remember. Whatever challenges we face in life, we are never alone. He wants to see us achieve all of our desires and all of our goals, and he is always with us as we continue this journey.