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Praise for You Can Be Happy No Matter What

“You will find Dr. Carlson’s new approach very helpful — solid, sensible, and filled with loving guidance.”

— Dr. Wayne Dyer, author of

Your Erroneous Zones

“You Can Be Happy No Matter What will appeal to those caught in the tangles of outmoded thinking. It speaks simply to us in a way that’s most fitting when we want to move out of dysfunctions into robust, effective living.”

— Marsha Sinetar, author of

Developing a 21st-Century Mind

“A profoundly simple, hopeful, and human book about what’s available to us all — happiness.”

— Joseph Bailey, author of

The Serenity Principle

Also by Richard Carlson, PhD

The Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Series

Don’t Worry, Make Money

Easier Than You Think

For the Love of God (with Benjamin Shield, PhD)

Handbook for the Heart (with Benjamin Shield, PhD)

Handbook for the Soul (with Benjamin Shield, PhD)

Shortcut Through Therapy

Slowing Down to the Speed of Life (with Joseph Bailey)

Stop Thinking and Start Living

What About the Big Stuff?

You Can Feel Good Again

New World Library

14 Pamaron Way

Novato, CA 94949

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part, or transmitted in any form, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review; nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other, without written permission from the publisher.

Cover design: Tracy Pitts

Text layout and design: Tona Pearce Myers

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Carlson, Richard, 1961 May 16–

You can be happy no matter what : five principles for keeping life in perspective / Richard Carlson . -- 15th anniversary ed. p. cm.

ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-568-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)

ISBN-13: 978-1-63353-539-8 (ebook: digital)

1. Happiness. 2. Contentment. I. Title.

BF575.H27 C375 2006

97-15902

158.1—dc22

2006033782

First printing of this edition, January 2007

ISBN-10: 1-57731-568-5

ISBN-13: 978-1-57731-568-1

Printed in the United States on acid-free paper

New World Library is a proud member of the Green Press Initiative.

Distributed by Publishers Group West

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Dedication

To my beautiful children — may you always be happy no matter what.

Table of Contents

Part 1: Principles

Chapter 1 The Principle of Thought

Chapter 2 The Principle of Moods

Chapter 3 The Principle of Separate Realities

Chapter 4 The Principle of Feelings

Chapter 5 The Principle of The Present Moment

Part 2: aplpying the Principles

Chapter 6 Relationships

Chapter 7 Stress

Chapter 8 Solving Problems

Chapter 9 Happiness

Chapter 10 Habits and Addictions

Chapter 11 A Checklist For Your Life

Preface To The 15Th Anniversary

TIME REALLY DOES SEEM TO FLY! It’s been fifteen years since New World Library published the original edition of You Can Be Happy No Matter What. Around that time, my wife, Kris, and I had one two-year-old, Jazzy, and Kris was pregnant with our second daughter, Kenna. Today, the girls are teenagers, and the older one is preparing to leave for college. All of us — you, me, and everyone else — have gotten older. Our families, relationships, careers, and lives have changed dramatically — physically, financially, spiritually.

Recently, someone suggested to me that what I wrote in this book fifteen years ago was perfect for its time. But he felt very strongly that we now live in a completely different world — a more dangerous and less certain world than ever before. “It’s far more difficult today to be happy than it was back in the nineties,” he said.

While I certainly would agree that the world has changed a great deal, particularly since September 11, 2001, I’m happy to report that our capacity for happiness is the same as it has always been. Being happy is an inside job. As Wayne Dyer says in the foreword to this book, “Many people mistakenly believe that circumstances make a person. They don’t. Instead, they reveal him or her.” That statement was true fifteen years ago, it’s true today, and it will be true fifteen years from now. We’ve always been able to point to certain people who face extremely difficult circumstances yet live extraordinary, happy lives. Conversely, of course, we can find plenty of people who enjoy wonderful circumstances full of every conceivable blessing yet live lives of perpetual unhappiness, even misery.

While circumstances do indeed change, both individually and collectively, what don’t change are the universal principles that, when truly practiced, point us in the direction of happiness.

When our minds are still and quiet, one of the first things we discover is that our natural state is one of inner peace. This contented state of mind is always present whenever we are not interfering with it, not using our thinking as a weapon against ourselves. And when we experience this peaceful state of mind, it allows us to be happy, despite our imperfect circumstances and the chaotic world. What’s more, when we learn to be happy and we have what we need emotionally, we are better equipped to make a positive difference in the world. In other words, we can’t give what we don’t have; if we’re not happy, we can’t contribute to the happiness of others.

This book explains five extraordinarily simple yet profound principles that, once understood and practiced, pave the way to a more content, peaceful, and happy life. All five principles explain how our minds operate and can, depending on how we use them, determine our level of well-being. Of course, no one is happy all the time, and you won’t be after reading this book. You can, however, learn to get yourself back on track much more quickly than before. You can learn to avoid the type of thinking that will exacerbate any unhappiness you may be experiencing.

One thing has become extremely clear to me over the past fifteen years: Life is a gift to be treasured. When we remove the obstacles that originate in our own thinking, we begin to appreciate this gift like never before. My deepest hope is that everyone who reads this book will be positively touched in some way. If there’s one thought I’d love to leave you with, it’s this: You can be happy no matter what. You really can!

Foreword

MANY PEOPLE MISTAKENLY BELIEVE that circumstances make a person. They don’t. Instead, they reveal him or her. Our circumstances don’t define us; they represent our unique curriculum — our tests, challenges, and opportunities for personal growth, acceptance, and detachment. Our success as a human being does not lie in our collections of possessions or accomplishments. It does not lie in the details of our predicament, but in how we deal with what we have and how we face our challenges, how we transform our unique curriculum into growth and into a life filled with love.

We have the capacity to manifest our own destiny, to create “Real Magic” in our lives, to make our lives an expression of divinity, to remove ego from our consciousness, and to make love our top priority. To do these things, however, it’s essential that we create an inner balance, a sense of harmony and equanimity within. Happiness is not the end of the road; it’s the beginning. Contentment enhances our spiritual life.

The principles in this book act as navigational tools to help you find contentment in your life. They are like a set of operating instructions to guide you inward, where peace resides. They can help you remain centered and calm. As you become happier, you enter a new dimension of life that plants seeds for further spiritual growth. Without the constant struggle and distraction of stress, anger, conditions, and desires, your life will unfold with greater harmony.

In this extraordinary book, Dr. Carlson explains that life is not your enemy, but your thinking can be. He reminds us that our minds are very powerful tools that can work for us or against us at any given moment. We have a choice. We can learn to flow with life, with loving and patient acceptance, or we can struggle against it. I have said many times that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We have the capacity to make this human experience all it can be. We have, within us, the resources to live a happy, fulfilled life regardless of the challenges we face. Read this book and reflect on its message. You will see that, despite outer experiences, it’s true: You can be happy no matter what! God bless you.

— Dr. Wayne Dyer

Acknowledgments

IWOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE the following people: Patti Breitman for being happy enough to see what I was trying to say even before I finished saying it; Kristine Carlson for her loving encouragement; Sheila Krystal for being such a wonderful partner and friend; Carol LaRusso for such a lovely job editing and for taking the time to learn this approach; George and Linda Pransky for being wonderful teachers; and Barbara and Don Carlson for learning the beautiful gift of happiness — and sharing it with others.

Introduction

PLAY AUDIO

HAPPINESS! IT’S SOMETHING THAT ALL OF US WANT but that few of us ever achieve. It is characterized by feelings of gratitude, inner peace, satisfaction, and affection for ourselves and for others. Our most natural state of mind is one of contentment and joy. The barriers or obstructions that keep us from experiencing these positive feelings are learned negative processes that we have innocently come to accept as “necessary,” or as “just the way life is.” When we uncover these inherent positive feelings and remove the obstructions keeping us from them, the result is a more meaningful and beautiful experience of life.

These positive feelings are not fleeting emotions that come and go with changing circumstances, but permeate our lives and become part of us. Finding this state of mind allows us to be more lighthearted and easygoing, whether or not our circumstances seem to warrant this positive outlook. In this nicer state, life seems less complicated and our problems are lessened. The reason: When we feel better, we have more access to our own wisdom and common sense. We tend to be less reactive, defensive, and critical; we make better decisions and we communicate more effectively.

The best way to uncover these deep positive feelings within yourself is to begin to understand their source. There are five principles of psychological functioning that act as guides, or navigators, and will help you regain your natural sense of serenity. I call this natural state “healthy psychological functioning,” or simply “a nice feeling.” You will learn to detect and protect yourself from the psychological obstructions that have kept you from these positive feelings — those insecure thoughts that you have learned to take too seriously.

The first four principles of this book are based on a series of psychological principles that were originally formulated by Dr. Rick Suarez and Dr. Roger C. Mills.* They show you how to obtain access to this feeling of happiness whenever you like. Once understood, these principles allow you to feel happy and contented regardless of your problems — really! As a consultant who teaches these principles in my own practice, I continually see people transform their lives in a more positive direction in spite of the difficult challenges they face. When you feel genuinely contented with your life, you will be able to solve any problem more easily and efficiently than you ever thought possible. The five principles I am about to introduce represent a profound breakthrough in the understanding of our human psychological functioning. They are remarkably simple, yet powerful, principles that explain how the mind works, and they can be used by all human beings regardless of where they live — they cross all cultural barriers. The principles are described in detail beginning in chapter 1, but I’ll briefly summarize them here:

Thinking. Our ability to think creates our psychological experience of life, and thinking is a voluntary function.

Moods. Our own understanding that thinking is a voluntary function fluctuates from moment to moment and from day to day; these variances are called moods.

Separate Psychological Realities. Because we all think in a unique way, each of us lives in a separate psychological reality.

Feelings. Our feelings and emotions serve as a built-in biofeedback mechanism that lets us know how we are doing from a psychological standpoint.

The Present Moment. Learning to keep our attention in the present moment, by paying attention to our feelings, allows us to live at peak efficiency and without the distraction of negative thinking. The present moment is where we find happiness and inner peace.

Learning how your mind operates and functions allows you access to happiness — a magnificent feeling — which enables you to freely enjoy your life and your relationships. Most approaches to happiness advocate doing or changing something in your life. But experience shows us this is a temporary cure at best. The mind-set that tells us that to be happy, we must do something differently doesn’t go away when the change has taken place. It then starts all over again looking for flaws and conditions that must be met and corrected before we can feel happy. When you understand the five principles of healthy psychological functioning, you can reverse this dynamic and feel happy right now, even if you and your life aren’t perfect! Once you are feeling content, and no longer distracted by your false negativity, better access to your true wisdom and common sense will allow you to see solutions and alternatives that had been buried under weighty concerns and busy internal dialogue.

Contentment is the foundation to a fulfilling life. It brings with it good relationships, job satisfaction, parenting skills (for those of us who are parents), and the wisdom and common sense it takes to move through life in a graceful manner. Without contentment, life can seem like a battleground where we are too busy struggling with problems to enjoy life’s beauty. Consumed by concerns, hoping that someday things will be better, we postpone satisfaction while life slips away. With a happy feeling, we can enjoy life fully — right now. Obviously, your problems are very “real” and significant, but once you learn how to be contented, problems won’t stop you from enjoying your life. A contented feeling brings with it childlike enjoyment — a lighthearted way of being in the world that opens a channel of appreciation for simple things, to feel grateful for the magnificent gift of life itself.

This new understanding can be applied to all of life’s challenges. You’ll learn no sophisticated techniques or “coping mechanisms” to deal with each specific problem; you will just learn to live in a more contented state of mind: a state of love. The beautiful part of this knowledge — once you understand healthy psychological functioning — is that this knowledge lasts. It’s not that you’ll never again lose hold of the feeling of love — you will — but when you do, you’ll understand how you got off-course, and know exactly how to point yourself back in a better direction.

The Key To Happiness: Your Mind

Your mind essentially serves you in two ways. It is a storage vault for information and past experience, and is also a transmitter for wisdom and common sense. The storage vault, or “computer,” part of your brain is used to analyze, compare, relate facts, and make computations. The value of this component is clear: without it, we couldn’t survive. The other part of the brain, the “transmitter” that we each have access to, is the part that deals with matters of the heart — where computer information is insufficient. It is our transmitter mind, not our computer mind, that is the source of our contentment, joy, and wisdom.

Part of the process of obtaining access to this other part of ourselves is to recognize how necessary and practical it is. How inappropriate it would be to use a computer to solve a marriage or career problem, or to decide how to talk to your teenager about drugs or to your toddler about discipline. Most people wouldn’t use a computer for these personal, heartfelt problems; they require softness and wisdom. Unless we understand and value the “transmitter” part of ourselves (healthy psychological functioning), we have no alternative but to call on the “computer” to deal with our personal issues. New answers don’t come from what you already know in the computer part of your brain. They come from a change of heart, from seeing life differently, from the unknown, quieter part of yourself.

Let’s illustrate this point with the familiar story of someone who has lost his keys. He thinks and thinks (computer thinking) about where they could be, but to no avail. He simply can’t remember. Then, just when he has given up thinking to gaze out the window instead, the answer suddenly pops into his head and he remembers exactly where he left them. The answer came when he cleared his head, and not from the excessive thinking which would not allow the answer to surface. All of us have had similar experiences, but few have learned the valuable lesson of “not knowing” in order to know. Instead, we continue to think that the answer comes from racking our brains, from using our “computer.”

You can learn to access and trust this healthy psychological functioning — the quiet part of your mind that is the source of inherent positive feelings, the wise part of you that knows the answers. And when it doesn’t know, it knows that it doesn’t. You can learn the difference between computer thinking and creative thinking — when to trust your computer, and when it’s appropriate to back off and quiet down.

The goal of this book is to help you experience this nicer state of mind (contentment) more often in your life. When people learn to live in this peaceful state of mind, they discover that happiness and contentment are, in fact, independent from their circumstances. It’s not that things shouldn’t go “right,” — of course that’s best — but things don’t always have to go right before we can be happy. We don’t always have power over other people and/or events, but we do have tremendous power to feel happy and contented with our life. One nice by-product of feeling happy “for no reason” is that troubling details begin to work themselves out. We actually think better, more clearly, and more intelligently when our minds are not full of boggling concerns.

Our minds can work for us or against us at any given moment. We can learn to accept and live with the natural psychological laws that govern us, understanding how to flow with life rather than struggle against it. We can return to our natural state of contentment.

The five principles will teach you to live in a positive feeling state more of the time. Use them as a navigational tool to guide you through life and point you toward happiness.

* Rick Suarez, Roger C. Mills, and Darlene Stewart, Sanity, Insanity, and Common Sense: The Groundbreaking New Approach to Happiness (New York: Fawcett, Columbine, 1987).

Chapter 1 The Principle Of Thought

PLAY AUDIO

All that you achieve and all that you fail to achieve is the direct result of your own thoughts.

— James Allen

HUMAN BEINGS ARE THINKING CREATURES. Every moment of every day, our minds are working to make sense out of what we see and experience. While this may seem obvious, it is one of the least understood principles in our psychological makeup. Yet understanding the nature of thought is the foundation to living a fully functional and happy life.

Thinking is an ability — a function of human consciousness. No one knows exactly where thought comes from, but it can be said that thought comes from the same place as whatever it is that beats our heart — it comes from being alive. As is true with other human functions, thinking goes on whether we want it to or not. In this sense, “thought” is an impersonal element of our existence.

The Relationship Between Thought And Feeling

Every negative (and positive) feeling is a direct result of thought. It’s impossible to have jealous feelings without first having jealous thoughts, to have sad feelings without first having sad thoughts, to feel angry without having angry thoughts. And it’s impossible to be depressed without having depressing thoughts. This seems obvious, but if it were better understood, we would all be happier and live in a happier world!

Virtually all the clients I have worked with over the years have begun their sessions like this:

Client: “I feel very depressed today.”

Richard: “Did you recognize that you were having depressing thoughts?”

Client: “I didn’t have negative or depressing thoughts; I just feel depressed.”

It took some time before I recognized the problem in our communication. We have all been taught that “thinking” means sitting down to “ponder,” to put in time and effort, as if we were doing a math problem. According to this idea of thinking, a person who wouldn’t dream of spending six hours obsessing about a single angry thought could nevertheless feel quite “normal” thinking fifteen or twenty angry thoughts for thirty seconds at a time.

“Thinking about something” can occur over several days or within a passing second. We tend to dismiss the latter as unimportant, if we recognize it at all. But this is not so. Feelings follow and respond to a thought regardless of how much time the thought takes. For example, if you think, even in passing, “My brother got more attention than I did — I never did like him,” the fact that you now feel resentful toward your brother is not merely a coincidence. If you have the thought, “My boss doesn’t appreciate me — I never get the recognition I deserve,” the fact that you now feel bad about your job came about as soon as that thought came to mind. It all takes place in an instant. The time it takes to feel the effects of your thinking is the same amount of time it takes to see the light after turning on the switch.

The ill effects of thought come about when we forget that “thought” is a function of our consciousness — an ability that we as human beings have. We are the producers of our own thinking. Thought is not something that happens to us, but something that we do. It comes from inside of us, not from the outside. What we think determines what we see — even though it often seems the other way around.

Consider a professional athlete who “lets his team down” by making a critical error in the last championship game before his retirement. For years after retiring from the sport, he dwells on his error for a moment here and a moment there. When people ask, “Why are you depressed so much of the time?” he responds by saying, “What a fool I was to make such a mistake. How else do you expect me to feel?” This person doesn’t see himself as the thinker of his own thoughts, nor does he see his thinking as the cause of his suffering. If you suggested to him that it was his thinking that was depressing him, he would, in all honesty, say, “No it isn’t. The reason I’m depressed is that I made the mistake, not that I’m thinking about it. In fact, I seldom think about it anymore. I’m simply upset at the facts.”

We could substitute any example for our ex-athlete’s error: A past relationship, a current one “on the rocks,” a financial blunder, harsh words we said to hurt someone, criticism leveled at ourselves, the fact that our parents were less than perfect, that we chose the wrong career or mate, or whatever — it is all the same. It’s our thinking, not our circumstances, that determines how we feel. We forget, moment to moment, that we are in charge of our thinking, that we are the ones doing the thinking, so it often appears as though our circumstances are dictating our feelings and experience of life. Consequently, it seems to make sense to blame our unhappiness on our circumstances, which makes us feel powerless over our lives.

We Are The Thinkers Of Our Own Thoughts

Unlike other functions or abilities that we have as human beings, it’s hard to remember that we are the thinkers of our own thoughts. It’s easy to remember that our voices are the product of our ability to speak. It would be virtually impossible to startle ourselves with our own function of speech because we are so aware that we are the ones creating the noise. We could scream and yell and rant and rage, but we still wouldn’t be frightened by the sound of our own voice.

The same could be said about our ability to ingest and digest food. You wouldn’t eat something and then wonder why you had a certain taste in your mouth — you are always aware that you are the one who put the food in your mouth.

But thinking is different. William James, the father of American psychology, once said, “Thinking is the grand originator of our experience.” Every experience and perception in life is based on thought. Because thinking precedes everything and goes on so automatically, it’s more basic and “closer to home” than any other function we have. We have innocently learned to interpret our thoughts as if they were “reality,” but thought is merely an ability that we have — we are the ones who produce those thoughts. It’s easy to believe that because we think something, the object of our thinking (the content) represents reality. When we realize that thinking is an ability rather than a reality, we can dismiss any negative thoughts that pass through. As we do so, a positive feeling of happiness begins to emerge. If we harbor negative thoughts (pay too much attention to or dwell on them), we will lose the positive feeling and feel the effects of the negativity.

Here is a typical example of how thought can be misunderstood and how this lack of understanding affects us — the “thinker.” Let us pretend that you accidentally spill a glass of water on the floor of a restaurant and look up to see that a man, two tables over, has flashed what you believe to be a disapproving look. You respond with anger. “What’s the matter with that guy,” you think. “Hasn’t he ever dropped anything? What a jerk!” Your thoughts about the circumstance make you frustrated, and end up ruining your afternoon. Every few minutes you remember the incident, and as you think about it, you become angry. But the truth of the matter is, that person didn’t even see you drop the water. He was in his own world, reacting to his own thoughts about an error he had made at work earlier that day. He couldn’t have cared less about you. In fact, he didn’t even know that you existed.

Unfortunately, all of us have experienced this kind of situation many times. We forget that we are only thinking. We fill our heads with false information, which we then interpret as “reality” instead of “thought.” If only we could remember that we are the thinker. If we really could understand that as we think about something, we feel the effects of our thoughts, during this episode at the restaurant, we might have been able to recognize that it was our own thoughts, not another person, upsetting us.

To understand the principle of thought and how it applies throughout the human experience is a valuable gift. We need not constantly be in conflict with our environment and with those around us. We can maintain a positive feeling of happiness, because we no longer feel compelled to seriously follow every train of thought that comes into our heads. You may have no control whatsoever over what another person does, but you can be immune to the adverse effects of your thinking about him, once you understand that you think “thoughts,” not “reality.” Your thoughts, not your circumstances, determine how you feel. An absence of negative thought brings forth a positive feeling.

If you don’t understand this principle, it may seem as though thinking is determined by what the outside world is doing. But it’s actually the other way around. Our thinking shapes our experience of life. The way we think about something and, most important, the way we relate to our thinking, will determine its effect on us. The outside circumstance itself is neutral. Only thought brings meaning to a circumstance. This is why the same circumstance can, and will, mean entirely different things to different people. In our restaurant example, had you dismissed your negative thoughts, the incident wouldn’t have mattered to you. In a healthy relationship to your thinking, you would have your thoughts, but you wouldn’t “run with them” and allow them to upset you.

Our Relationship To Thought

A person’s understanding of the relationship between thought and reality can be put on a continuum:

On one side is thought as “reality.” Clinically, this would be a psychotic, a person who would never use the word thought. A psychotic actually experiences every thought as reality. To him there is no difference between thinking and reality. If he thinks he hears voices telling him to jump out the window, he tries to do it; if he thinks he sees a monster, he runs from it. Regardless of the content of his thoughts, he believes them to be reality, 100 percent of the time.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who understands the thought process — a person who epitomizes mental health and happiness — a person who doesn’t take his own, or anyone else’s, thoughts too seriously — a person who rarely allows his thinking to bring him down and ruin his day. A person on this side of the scale can have any thought run through his head and still understand that “it’s only a thought.”

Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes. Very few of us take all of our thoughts so seriously as to be considered psychotic. Surprisingly, however, even fewer of us truly understand the nature of thought enough to fall on the far right of the scale. Most of us don’t understand that we are the thinkers of our own thoughts — we do it to ourselves. Perhaps at times we see it, but only selectively. Our minds will create numerous exceptions to this principle, which keeps us from the understanding we need to implement it in our lives. For example, you might be feeling low one day and have the thought, “I’ll never be able to finish this project.” Rather than saying to yourself, “Oh there go my thoughts again,” and putting an end to the negativity right then and there, you might continue on the same train of thought. You’ll say, “I knew it when I started; I never should have tried this project; I’ve never been any good at this kind of work and I never will be,” and so forth. Proper understanding of thought allows us to stop these everyday “thought attacks” before they beat us up. Recognize these types of thoughts as static on the television set — as interference. There is no value in studying and analyzing static on a TV screen, and there is equally little value in studying the static in our own thoughts. Without a proper understanding of thought, the smallest amount of static in our minds can spiral and grow until it ruins an entire day or even a lifetime. Once you see your negative thoughts as static, interference, you can dismiss them — they are no longer serving your needs. In the example, the negative thoughts about your ability to finish a project are certainly not going to help you finish it.

We all produce a steady stream of thoughts, twenty-four hours a day. Once a thought is forgotten, it’s gone. Once it’s thought of again, it’s back. But in any case, it’s just a thought. In a practical sense, this suggests that to think about something doesn’t mean we must take the thoughts to heart and react in a negative way. Pick and choose which thoughts you wish to react to.

Most of us are capable of understanding this principle for other people, but not for ourselves. Take the case of a frustrated freeway driver. Another car cuts him off and almost causes an accident. A thought passes through his mind: “I should shoot the driver of that car.” What has occurred is a thought, passing through his mind. Most of us would dismiss it as a silly thought. We would all prefer that drivers be more careful, but we wouldn’t take our violent thought very seriously. A psychotic, however, may not be able to dismiss the thought so easily. He fervently believes that any thought that comes to mind is reality and must be taken seriously.

While we can empathize (if not laugh) at the folly of taking such a thought seriously, we all do the same thing, in different forms and extremes, hundreds of times each day. Each of us, in our own fashion, confuses our thinking with reality. We can see other people’s thoughts (like the freeway driver’s) as being “just thoughts,” but we almost always fail to see our own the same way. And why do our thoughts seem so real? Because we are the one who creates them.

We Don’t Always Have To Take Our Thoughts Seriously

For one person, the thought, “I wonder if she likes me, I’ll bet she doesn’t,” might cause distress. Yet this same person may recognize the freeway driver as “just having a thought.” Most of us believe that if we have a thought, it’s worthy of serious attention and concern, but if someone else thinks something, we might see it as just a thought not worthy of attention. Why is this so? Again, because thought is something that shapes our reality from the inside out. Because it is so close to us, it’s easy to forget that we are the ones doing it. Thought helps us make sense out of what we see — we need it to survive in the world and to put meaning into life. When we understand the true nature and purpose of thought, however, we don’t need to take to heart (or take so seriously) everything we happen to think about; we can lighten up.

Our thinking is not “reality,” but only an attempt to interpret a given situation. Our interpretation of what we see creates an emotional response. Our emotional responses are not the product of what happens to us, then, but are derived from our thinking, our belief system.

To illustrate, let’s use the example of the circus coming to town. For people and families who love the circus, this is great cause for celebration. For those who don’t love the circus, the increased traffic and confusion causes concern. The circus itself is neutral — it isn’t the cause of positive or negative reactions. We can think of many similar examples ourselves. Once we understand the concept, our thoughts can be a tremendous gift to us and help us with our lives. Conversely, we can become the victims of our own thinking, and the quality of our lives can diminish. Since our thoughts change from moment to moment, life can become a struggle, if not a battleground.

Our level of happiness seems to go up and down with our circumstances. In reality, it isn’t the circumstances, but our interpretation of them that determines our level of wellbeing. This is why identical circumstances can mean different things to different people. Learn to see negative thoughts as a form of mental static, and you can stop paying so much attention to them.

Laura And Steve

Laura is driving to visit her boyfriend, Steve. Along the way she hears news on the radio about the number of marriages that end in divorce. She begins to think: “I wonder if Steve and I will get married. I wonder if it’s worth it. How good would our marriage be? Steve has many of his divorced father’s characteristics. He’s often late and he tends to work too hard. I wonder if I’m as important to him as his work. I wonder if our children would be as important as his work.” And she continues brooding.

Laura’s thinking has gone on automatically. These thoughts took place in an instant. Let’s compare the effect of these thoughts based on her relationship to her own thinking. First, let’s assume that Laura (like most people) believes that if something crosses her mind, it must be worthy of attention and taken seriously. She has no real awareness that she is creating the thoughts, but assumes that the content of her thinking must have relevance. She now feels justifiably concerned about her relationship and decides to bring up the issue with Steve. The remainder of her drive is spent worrying.

Now let’s consider an alternative. Here, Laura understands how her thoughts create her experience of life. The identical thoughts pass through Laura’s mind, and for a moment, she begins to feel the adverse effects of her thinking. Then she remembers that it was her thoughts, not Steve, that had her concerned about their relationship, which until that moment was perfectly fine. A few seconds earlier, before the news report, she had been reflecting about how well everything seemed to be going — she was in that nice feeling state where she was just thinking her thoughts, not analyzing them. She chuckles and feels grateful that she no longer has to be victimized by her own thinking. She initiates a softer focus and dismisses her thoughts. She spends the drive enjoying her favorite music and her happiness.

Having The Option To Act On Our Thoughts

Most of us assume that if something comes to mind, it does so for a reason; it must be representative of reality, worthy

of our attention, and dealt with. If we understand the principle of thought, however, we know that this is a mental error. If something comes to mind, recognize it for what it is — a passing thought. This doesn’t mean that we can’t or shouldn’t consider or act on the thought, but it does provide the option. Thousands of thoughts pass through our minds each day; as the principle of thought goes, none is more important than the next, each of them is just a thought. Once we understand this principle, what we think about will no longer have the power to completely determine the quality of our lives. Instead, we can choose to stay in the nicer feeling state that comes from a softer focus of thought.

The reason we can watch an upsetting or even horrifying movie and then go out for a meal is that we are always one step removed from the film. We understand that it’s just a movie. Once the movie is over, it’s over. It’s no longer with us, we go on with our lives. The same is true with thought. It’s only in our minds. Once a thought is out of mind, it’s gone — until we think it again. There’s nothing to fear from thought itself, once we understand that it’s just thought.

Perhaps the greatest misinterpretation of this principle is to believe that the goal is to control what you think about. It isn’t. The goal is to understand thought for what it is: an ability you have that shapes your reality from the inside out. Nothing more, nothing less. What you think about is not ultimately going to determine the quality of your life, but rather the relationship you have to your own thinking — the way you manufacture thoughts and respond to them. Do you hear your thinking as reality, or as thought?

A Dream Analogy

It’s common to wake up in the morning and say, “Wow, that dream seemed so real.” But, however real the dream seemed to be, we recognize it as a dream. So if we dreamed that we brought our car in to a mechanic to be fixed and he made the problem worse, we wouldn’t go down to the service station and complain. We understand that dreaming is nothing more than thinking while we are asleep. When we apply the same understanding to waking thought, which seems real, too, while it’s occurring, we no longer need to see it as truth.

The Two Aspects Of Thought

There are two aspects of thought that are very important to understand. First is the fact that we think, that we have this human function — it’s not what we think about (the content), but the recognition that we are the thinkers who produce the thoughts constantly going through our mind. The second aspect, the one that is usually discussed, is content, or what we are thinking about. There is a major difference between the two. Advocates of positive thinking suggest thinking positive thoughts as much as you can and avoid negative thinking altogether. While it’s true that thinking positive thoughts will make us feel better than thinking negative ones, positive thinking is an erroneous concept, based on the assumption that thought, in and of itself, has a reality which we need to be concerned with. But be it positive or negative, thought is still only a function.

When we understand thought for what it truly is, we see positive or negative thoughts for what they are. A positive thinker is constantly under pressure to produce only positive thoughts, which takes enormous effort and concentration, leaving little energy for new and creative thoughts. When negative thoughts do enter the mind (which they will), a positive thinker has to deny their existence and override them with positive ones.

People who understand the nature of thought don’t have the pressure to produce any specific content to their thinking. They see thought for what it is: a function of consciousness, a voluntary ability that shapes our experience of life. Does this mean that people who understand that thought is a function will intentionally think negative thoughts? No, of course not. Neither does it mean that negative thoughts will never enter their minds. They merely understand that negative thoughts, in and of themselves, have no power to hurt them. To them, thoughts, whether positive or negative, are simply thoughts.

Stacey’s Story

Thought as a pure function of consciousness doesn’t have any content until we put it in. Our beliefs, ideas about life, underlying assumptions, and opinions will determine the content we put into our thinking, but thought itself is harmless, an empty concept until we fill it with meaning. Suppose, for example, that when Stacey was a young child, her parents hired a live-in babysitter to help take care of her. When Stacey grew up, she believed that the most important element of being a good parent was spending the most amount of time possible with her children. One day while she was reflecting about her parents, a thought came to her mind that her parents weren’t as attentive as they might have been. After all, they had hired a live-in babysitter for her. Why didn’t they want to take care of her themselves? Maybe they didn’t care about her as much as they said they did.

But how does she know that? What is she basing that conclusion on? Who just put the content into her thoughts about parenting? She did. A thought came to her mind about her parents — a simple thought to begin with, until she added the content that said, “Maybe my parents didn’t care as much as I always thought they did.” Never mind that Stacey had a perfectly healthy and loving relationship with both her parents — a thought has come to her mind. If she takes this thought seriously and runs with it, it will definitely lower her spirits. She could discuss it with her friends, her spouse, or if it seemed really important, she could even bring it up to her parents and take issue with them. In fact, popular psychology would have her do just that — analyze the static, then act on it. The idea of getting something off your chest and expressing your feelings is thought to be a good idea — but is it always? If Stacey understood where her feelings were actually coming from, would she choose to bring them up with her parents?

All this grief, and much more like it, comes from a simple misunderstanding of the nature of thought. Rather than seeing her thinking as something that she was constantly doing, Stacey tended to take her thoughts to heart. Had Stacey recognized what was happening, she could have dismissed her negative thoughts about her upbringing — allowing her to maintain a positive feeling and feel secure about her life.

The story of Stacey and the live-in babysitter will come up again in the next three chapters to demonstrate how the five principles work together to create a happy life.

Thought Systems

All of our past thoughts can be clustered into our “thought system,” a self-contained unit through which we see the world. Every decision, reaction, and interpretation we have is colored by our individualized thought system.

Our thought system is like a filter that information passes through before it gets to our awareness. It is a complex, perfectly woven pattern of thought, linked together into concepts, beliefs, expectations, and opinions. It is our thought system that enables us to compare new facts or situations with what we already know from past experience.

Your thought system contains all the information you have accumulated over your lifetime. It is past information that your thought system uses to interpret the relative significance of everything that happens in your life. In this sense, a thought system is the source of conditioned thought. When you rely on it, you are thinking in a habitual manner, your usual way of seeing things. Here is where your habitual reactions to life are formed.

Thought systems contain our view of “the way life is.” They are the psychological mechanisms that convince us when we are right, accurate in our understanding, or justified. Thought systems by nature are stubborn and do not appreciate being tampered with. They are absolutely self-validating. If your thought system includes the idea that our country’s schools are horrible and are the cause of most of our problems as a nation, then the following scenario would be possible: You’re reading the evening paper and on page thirty-six, you come across an article near the bottom of the page that says, “Twenty-one students fail literacy exam in district.” You smile; you are proven right again. You show the article to your spouse, “You see dear, our schools are falling apart. It’s just like I’ve been telling you.” You don’t know that on the front page of the same paper, the headlines read, “NATION’S SCHOOL TEST SCORES UP 17% OVER THE PAST FIVE YEARS!” But such is the nature of thought systems. Due to the way they are wired in our minds, there will always seem to be a logical connection among things we perceive to be true. Our beliefs will always make perfect sense to us within our own thought system.

Our thought systems lead us to believe that we are realists and that the way we see life is the way life really is. The fact that one person can view a situation as an opportunity and another equally intelligent person sees the same thing as a major problem doesn’t bother a thought system. Our thought system dismisses the other point of view as off track, well intended but wrong, or not quite right.

Because our thought systems are filled with our memory of the past, information we have accumulated throughout our lifetimes, they encourage us to continue to see things in the same way. We react negatively (or positively) to the same situations or circumstances over and over again, interpreting our current experiences in life as we have in the past. A person who believes that people are inherently critical will become defensive whenever anyone offers a suggestion, regardless of whether the person meant to be critical. This will become a theme in his life unless and until he understands the nature of thought systems, particularly his own. Understanding this concept will help him see that he is not seeing reality, or truth, but an interpretation of reality through his own thinking.

Because our thought systems are so familiar to us, they seem to be giving us true, accurate information. Because of the self-validating aspect of thought systems, we accept familiar ideas and disregard the rest. This is why people rarely change their political or religious views, and why they hesitate to even discuss them with friends or family. They “know the truth” and can come up with examples and arguments to support their claims. They also “know” that their family and friends “don’t understand the truth,” and because they are stubborn, they probably never will. We know the result of locking heads with other thought systems — usually frustration is experienced on all sides. This is why people gravitate toward others who share their beliefs, and become impatient with those who don’t.

Understanding the nature of thought systems can change this. When we know that other people (and ourselves) innocently interpret our beliefs as if they were reality, we can let go of the need to be right. We can see that our beliefs are merely a function of past conditioning and experiences. Had our past been different, our ideas about life would be different. Other people’s beliefs are also a result of their past experiences. Had things been different, a totally different set of beliefs would have surfaced.

“This may be true,” you say, “but my view of life is a good one and not only do I still think it’s accurate, I wouldn’t change it even if I could.” The point here is not to change your thought system or your ideas about life, but to see the arbitrary nature of them. We only need to see the fact of thought systems, not tamper with the contents, to reduce the frustration in our lives. Unless we understand thought systems, we can rarely hear other points of view. We interpret what others say and do based on what we already know. Information comes in and we decide whether it makes sense, based on our previous knowledge. Unless the information is something we already agree with, our thought system will have a tendency to discount it. In short, new information is usually unwelcome within our existing thought systems. This is why we can be bothered by the same events or circumstances over and over again throughout our lifetimes. We have developed recurrent cause-andeffect relationships between certain events and reactions.

For example, you might believe that whenever someone gives you a suggestion, it means that they disapprove of you as a person. You won’t question this because your thought system will validate it. It always seems to be a true, accurate assumption about human nature. Even if someone assures you that your assumption is off base, you convince yourself that the other person has hidden motives or that they are not aware of their hostility toward you. However long it takes, you will seek to verify your existing beliefs to prove yourself right, even at the expense of making yourself miserable.

But if you understand the nature of thought systems, you can begin to see beyond them, and sense the value in other points of view. What we used to interpret as criticism we now see merely as an opinion from another person with his or her own thought system. We can virtually eliminate unprofitable arguments in our lives and can completely eliminate feeling resentful, confused, or angry at others who don’t see things our way. In fact, when we understand the stubborn nature of thought systems, we will expect others not to see things our way.

Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice

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