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Election Day

Seven P.M. A room in Barbara Apple’s home on Center Street, Rhinebeck. As the lights come up, Richard is in the middle of a story/joke:

RICHARD: “Fuck you Andrew Cuomo!”

(The others laugh or disagree or just react.)

“Fuck you Dark Prince!”

TIM: Who’s the Dark—?

RICHARD: That’s what they call him.

BENJAMIN: Who calls him that?

RICHARD: Everyone in the office, Uncle Benjamin. (Continues)

“Fuck you Albany.” “Fuck everyone in Albany!”

(Barbara enters with dishes of food.)

BARBARA: Do you have to keep using that word?

JANE: He’s telling a joke.

BARBARA: I know that, Jane. (Noticing) We don’t have any napkins.

RICHARD: “And fuck—”

JANE (Interrupting; laughing, to Tim): This is funny. He told me this on the phone. “And fuck—”

BARBARA: How often do you and Richard talk on the phone?

JANE (Continuing): “And fuck—” Fuck. What’s her real name? I always want to call her Christine.

RICHARD (Continuing with the joke): “And fuck Kirsten Gillibrand—”

JANE: Kirsten! Not Christine.

RICHARD: “And the horse—”

JANE (Excited, finishes Richard’s joke): “And the horse she rode in on whose name is—Charles!”

RICHARD (Correcting her): “Chuck.” The horse’s name is Chuck. Chuck—Schumer.

(A little laughter.)

It was very funny.

BARBARA (To Jane): Does Richard call you or do you call him?

JANE: I don’t know.

BARBARA (To Richard): You never call me, Richard.

(And she is off to get the napkins.)

RICHARD: I call her . . .

JANE (Not loud enough for Barbara to hear): Let me help . . . (To Richard) I guess she didn’t hear me.

(Short pause. They are uncomfortable. Tim smiles at Richard, then:)

TIM (To Richard and Jane): And then what happened?

RICHARD (Mind on something else): With what?

TIM: In your office. The guy who quit.

RICHARD: Oh. He then picked up a couple of things—from his desk, I think a photo of his wife—and walked out.

(Barbara is returning.)

(To Barbara) Can we help? (No response) Barbara. We could have just eaten out. I suggested this.

JANE (Explaining to Benjamin): Mr. Cuomo’s Richard’s boss—

RICHARD: He wasn’t there. Of course. Cuomo.

JANE: He wasn’t? You didn’t tell me that.

RICHARD: And this guy, he didn’t really quit. He was just—blowing off steam. Like lawyers do. It was funny. (To himself, as he looks over the food) “Fuck Andrew Cuomo.” It’s fun just to say . . .

BARBARA (To Benjamin): Do you know who Cuomo is, Uncle Benjamin?

(No response.)

He’s our next—

JANE (Interrupting): In about— (Looks at her watch) two hours, he’ll be our governor. I’m sure we all voted for him. But that’s very funny. (To herself) “Fuck you Albany.”

BARBARA: I wish you both wouldn’t keep—

JANE: “Fuck Albany.” Come on, you must want to say it. You’re a public schoolteacher.

(Barbara ignores her.)

We’re doing this as a buffet? (To Richard) It would have been better if Cuomo’d been there.

BARBARA: Is buffet all right with everyone? You want to sit around a table?

JANE: Whatever is easiest, Barbara. We don’t want to put you out.

BARBARA: A buffet is not necessarily easier than—

TIM (To Barbara): Thank you for doing all this.

BARBARA: You’re welcome— (Turns to Jane)

JANE: “Tim.”

BARBARA: Tim.

(They are at the tables, filling their plates.)

RICHARD: Actually, I don’t really like Andrew. I liked working for Eliot more; he had his bad days, but mostly . . . With Eliot it wasn’t all about politics. So—in my mind, Eliot was better. (Looks at the others) But then again—I didn’t have to have sex with him.

(He smiles. Jane smiles.)

(Joke to Jane) We’ve heard how that could be a little rough . . .

BENJAMIN: Why would you have to have sex with him?

JANE (After a glance at Richard): It’s a long long story, Uncle. Richard was making another joke.

BARBARA: Since when did everything become a joke to you?

RICHARD (Ignoring her): I’m glad we decided not to go to Gigi’s. Last time we went there—it’s like being in New York.

BARBARA: I don’t go there. Only New Yorkers go there.

(Short pause, as they fill their plates.)

JANE: Like us.

(No response.)

RICHARD: Barbara, I brought you and Marian bagels. They’re in the car. You too, Uncle Benjamin. I know how much you love your bagel.

BENJAMIN: Do I?

BARBARA: We have bagels in Rhinebeck. We have a whole “bagel shop” on West Market.

(Richard and Jane share a look.)

TIM: I’m sorry I missed the fall foliage. I hear that’s spectacular up here.

BARBARA: It’s very nice.

JANE: Tim and I walked around the village a little. We got here early.

BARBARA: You could have—

JANE: He’d never been to Rhinebeck.

TIM: What a beautiful village . . .

RICHARD: The Beekman Arms—

JANE: We went in. Where should we sit?

BARBARA: Anywhere . . .

(They hesitate.)

RICHARD: Washington, Lafayette stayed there. (To Barbara) Who else?

BARBARA: I don’t know.

JANE: I showed him the sign. You could hardly read it. Don’t they clean it anymore? I’ll bet they cleaned it for Chelsea’s wedding.

RICHARD (To Tim): Did she point out the muskets on the ceiling?

JANE (Before Tim can answer): He loved Stickle’s. They don’t have five-and-dimes like that anymore . . .

RICHARD: Barbara saved an article from the New York Times that called this “The Town That Time Forgot.” (To Barbara) Is it still on your refrigerator?

BARBARA: Probably.

(No one has sat down.)

RICHARD: Maybe I should—Uncle Benjamin—why don’t you sit at the table? That’ll be easier.

(Directing them to seats.)

Jane and—Tim. And I’ll sit . . . Barbara—I don’t want to tell you where to sit in your own house . . .

(Barbara sits.)

And our sister, when she comes . . . (Another chair)

(Then:)

And we are sure she’s not going to be angry that we started without her?

JANE: Do you care?

RICHARD: No.

BARBARA: It was getting cold.

(Short pause.)

(To say something) I didn’t tell you—Mrs. Stickle’s son-in-law—not the one who works in the store, the other one?

JANE: I don’t live here. I’ve never even met Mrs. Stickle.

BARBARA (To Richard): He wrote that vampire book about President Lincoln.

JANE: There’s a vampire book about Lincoln? (Smiles)

RICHARD: I don’t know it.

BARBARA: It’s very—successful.

(They begin to eat.)

RICHARD: Good.

(They eat.)

JANE (To Tim): What does Lincoln have to do with vampires?

TIM: I have no idea.

(They eat.)

BARBARA (To Tim): Mrs. Stickle has been here forever. Longer even than Marian.

RICHARD: You are looking good, Uncle Benjamin. The country air is doing you wonders. (To Barbara) He does look better.

BARBARA: The bean salad is Marian’s.

RICHARD (Standing): Should I pour the wine? Who wants wine and who wants—water? Is that the choice?

BARBARA (Starting to stand up): What else do you want?

JANE: Sit down. Barbara, sit down.

(Various responses: “Wine,” “Water,” etc.)

BARBARA (To Richard): You know Marian worked for Gillibrand—so I wouldn’t . . . She might not find your story funny.

JANE (Eating): What did she do?

BARBARA: I think she made—phone calls? Her first campaign for the House. So—Marian thinks she was there in on the “beginning.”

RICHARD: The “beginning” of what?

(He shrugs.)

They scared everyone else off. Is that what we now call an election?

BARBARA: Marian likes her. So . . . (Looks at her watch) I’m sure Adam’s got Marian doing things. (The explanation) It’s election day.

(They eat. The lights fade.)