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Learning how to get what you want (most of the time)

Some Stories:

Jack, a graduate of one of our batterers groups, told us a story at one of our extended support group meetings.

“For a long time my agreement with my wife was that she was to do the wash and I was supposed to pick up the dog crap in the backyard. Now I’ve got two, just two shirts I wear for bowling, and for years she always made sure one of them was clean each week. Then a couple months ago, suddenly I went to get my shirt, and it wasn’t there. She wasn’t home, so I went down to the laundry room, and sure enough, I found both my shirts in the dirty clothes pile. So, I figured what the hell, I’ll wear something else tonight. And that was fine. Then about two weeks later, the same thing happened again. It happened again two weeks later. And then she did the same thing this week. I tried to give her a hint last week about being sure she washed everything when she came upstairs with the clothes. She didn’t get it, so I figured I’d get the message across to her. So I didn’t pick up the crap at all last week, and with four dogs that’s a lot of crap. She was playing in the backyard with our niece yesterday, and they both stepped in a pile. When she came in all bent out of shape, I just said don’t talk to me, until you start cleaning up the crap you’re supposed to clean up. She got all outraged, and we almost got into a major blow up. I took a time out.”

My client, April, told me one day that she felt like punching her little sister. At the time, April was clearly a non-violent, easy going person. Her younger sister was staying at April’s place.

“So, what makes you want to punch Denise?”

“She’s just so selfish!”

I acknowledged that selfishness can be a problem, and asked how Denise was being selfish.

“She just is. She doesn’t think about anybody else’s needs.”

“Is there anything she’s doing in relation to your needs? Anything that‘s particularly bugging you about her selfishness today?”

“Yes. She won’t go out tonight.” April proceeded to explain to me that in the three weeks that Denise had been there, April and her partner had not had the opportunity to be alone, and this night was the anniversary of the first time she and Joyce, her partner, had made love.

“I asked Denise if she could find something to do tonight, and she told me she doesn’t know anybody, and doesn’t have any place to go. So she‘d rather not go out.”

Roger lent his friend and long time neighbor some money over a month ago when she was in a bind. She had promised to return it as soon as she got her check. They’ve seen each other a number of times since then, but she hasn’t said a word about the money. Last night he saw her getting a pizza delivery, and he reports feeling hurt and angry since then.

HOW TO INCREASE THE CHANCES OF GETTING WHAT I WANT

OBSERVE THE UNIVERSAL RULE:

It is MY job to make it as easy as possible for another person to give me what I want.

Please repeat that statement between three and thirty times: It is MY job to make it as easy as possible for another person to give me what I want.

It is MY job…… (maybe you should keep a hand mirror next to you--and look into it as you say it again---or video yourself saying it, and play it back as you say it--)

It is MY job to ….. and again. It is my job to…. Whose job is it?

FOUR STEPS TOWARDS SUCCESSFULLY DOING THAT JOB:

1. Get in touch with what I feel.

2. Get clear about what I want from this person in this situation.

3. Make a direct statement of feeling.

4. Ask for what I want.

THE FIRST STEP is particularly hard for most men. We are taught from our earliest years to ignore most of our feelings. Anger is acceptable. Excitement is acceptable, but we have little experience allowing ourselves to stay with our hurt, or fear, or feelings of abandonment, or really gushy elation. Believe me, this training gets in the way of getting what you really want or need.

While women struggle less with getting in touch with feelings, it still can be a problem acknowledging them because you are taught that your feelings are just not that important or silly.

Nevertheless, it’s important to know what you’re feeling if you’re going to get what you actually want.

Feeling words:

Happy, confident, frightened, lonely, relieved, surprised, miserable, hurt, ecstatic, envious, pained, frustrated, determined, bored, worried, silly, lost, torn, awkward, adrift, anxious, excited, pleased, comfortable, shaky, disparaged, guilty, elated,….

So, once you’ve clarified for yourself what you feel, you must move to

THE SECOND STEP. There’s a simple logic at work here. We can’t ask for what we want if we don’t know what it is. For instance, you’re dependent on a co-worker’s input to complete a project today. You wait for her to show up. She comes in an hour late. In step one you get in touch with your feelings (anxiety, frustration, fear…..). Now what do you want from her? Acknowledgement that she was late? An apology? A commitment never to do it again? A commitment to put in extra time to finish the project? Assurance that she will take responsibility if the project doesn’t get completed on time? There are lots of possibilities, so you have to decide which you want from her.

THE THIRD STEP is difficult because we are just not used to making direct statements of our feelings. Both men and women feel vulnerable (there’s a feeling word) when we put our inner selves out there. Since men are trained against it (what are you--a little girl?), it’s particularly scary for us.

Nevertheless, research has shown that people are much more receptive to our requests when we have given them a glimpse of our feelings. So what is a direct statement of feelings? Sheila, I am very anxious about getting our project done, and I am hurt that you have come in so late, knowing what I might be going through. This sentence has the two key ingredients. The speaker takes owner-ship of her/his feelings (I) and the speaker names feelings: anxious, hurt.

How about this one? Sheila, I feel that you are really inconsiderate and irresponsible for keeping me waiting. Does that sound direct to you? It might, but it is not direct. Why? Where are the feelings? Inconsiderate is not a feeling. Irresponsible is not a feeling. Besides, the speaker is labeling Sheila with these words, not expressing anything about her/him self. The speaker is also committing a common and serious sin against assertive communications. S/he is using the word feel when s/he is actually stating a belief or a judgment. I feel you’re a disgusting, moldy, pompous creep with no consideration for anybody.

After the listener sets your car on fire, maybe you’ll figure out what the problem was.

I was only expressing my feelings.

As you can see, it’s important to not pollute the process. When done properly, expressing your feelings will help you get what you want, not start a fire. I’ve included an abbreviated quiz, at the end of the chapter, about direct statements of feeling, given to me over thirty years ago by David Pointer. Using what you’ve read here, see if you can pick out the direct statements.

THE FOURTH STEP is usually the scariest for most of us. It is scarier for many women because you’ve usually been taught not to directly ask for what you want. This step is really based on a very simple concept. If I want some-thing from you, asking for it is the most efficient way to increase the likelihood I‘m going to get it. Picture yourself walking into a fast food restaurant. You would like to be served a soda. Rather than asking the person behind the cash register for a soda, you stand there. How quickly do you think she or he will figure out what you want and give it to you? Now you can attempt to get the message across indirectly by per-haps licking your lips. You could say something to the person who’s just picked up a drink at the counter, loud enough that the employee will hear. Boy, I bet that soda tastes really good. It certainly is possible that over a period of time you could come up with enough indirect actions that the employee, if she or he had the time and patience, would come to understand what you wanted from them. It seems to me, how-ever, that it would be a lot easier and quicker to say directly, I’d like a large soda, please.

I’m sure you see how difficult it would be for the employee to figure out what you want. That employee even has the advantage of working from a limited list of choices (whatever’s on the menu) S/he does not even have to consider any of the myriad of options that humans have in normal intercourse with each other. It certainly can often be much more difficult to figure out what your friend/brother/mother/ sister/partner might want in any given situation, without them telling you directly. Unfortunately, we spend a lot of time guessing or assuming because we don’t know.

If we look at the story told by group member, Jack, above, and we examine Jack’s wife‘s reported response to his hint about being sure she washed everything when she came upstairs with the clothes, we can see the ineffectiveness in action. Indirectness is usually ineffective at helping us get what we want. Even when it works, it is extremely inefficient because of the likelihood of misunderstanding inherent in the process. Remember, it is your job…..

So let’s review the stories of Jack, April, and Roger with the four steps of getting what you want in mind.

1. Get in touch with what I feel.

2. Get clear about what I want from this person in this situation.

3. Make a direct statement of feeling.

4. Ask for what I want.

Members of the men’s support group immediately complimented Jack on his action to take a time out when he was feeling his anger rising. It’s his job to do whatever is necessary to make sure he doesn’t behave in any way that might intimidate or bully his partner. The group challenged him, how-ever, on his frustrating indirectness and what was identified as passive-aggressive behavior with the dog feces. They told him that they didn’t believe that it was simply an indirect way to ask for what he wanted. Rather, he was trying to punish his wife. After some discussion, Jack acknowledged that they were right, and promised to apologize to his wife as soon as possible.

Knowing the four steps, what would you have felt? What would you have wanted from your partner? What would you have done or asked for, if you were Jack? When would you have done it?

April wanted to punch her sister because She’s just so selfish!

So what do you think April was feeling? Was this just about her sister refusing to go tonight? There’s actually no way for us or Denise to know, since April hasn’t identified what’s actually going on with her. What might you feel in the circumstances? Knowing the four steps, what might you want from Denise? What would you have done or asked for, if you were April? When would you have done it?

Roger seems to be in touch with his feelings about his friend and neighbor not paying back what she owes him. Although it’s been over a month since he lent her the money, he reports feeling hurt and angry since last night. What would you feel? When would you have started feeling it? Keeping in mind the four steps, what would you have said? What would you have done?

When I present these four steps in workshops or in session to clients I often hear that the participants have tried to be assertive, but it doesn’t work. When the speaker is questioned closely, it usually turns out that they have not followed these four steps. Certainly, however, there will be times when no matter how assertive we are, we will not get what we want from another person. That’s life. We all know the ancient wisdom--

You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime/ you just might find/you get what you need. Jagger & Richards

Sometimes the other person may retreat to some behaviors to avoid responding directly to your request, or might have some legitimate issues that block their willingness to positively respond.

Three methods that help us get what we want:

(After we are sure we have openly listened)

A. Circle: No matter where the other speaker takes you, always bring the conversation back around to but right now what I would like from you is…

B. Acceptance: Sometimes a speaker may bring up something you have done in the past as an indirect rationale for not being willing to accommodate your request. If you believe the essence of what they are saying is true, it’s important to acknowledge and accept what they’ve said, and offer to discuss it further with them, and be willing to schedule a time to do so, but right now…

C. Acknowledgement: Sometimes a speaker may bring up something they say you have done as an indirect rationale for not accommodating your request. Even if you believe this to be untrue or if you’re uncertain of the facts, you must respect-fully acknowledge the other person’s position, and then express a willingness to discuss the matter at another time. Be willing to suggest a specific time to discuss their grievance, but right now….

Let’s look at an example of this process in action.

LeBron lives with his roommate, Kobe. They alternate each week between taking out the garbage and washing the dishes. This has been Kobe’s week to wash the dishes, but he has hardly done them, and it’s late Thursday afternoon. LeBron has his new special friend coming over tonight.

LeBron: Dude, I’ve got somebody special coming in a couple hours and I’m feeling kind of anxious (direct statement of feeling) that this place is not going to be cleaned up. Would you please take care of the dishes (asking for what he wants).

Kobe: Awh Man, I’m busy right now with this game. Why don’t you do ‘um?

LeBron: Well, this is your week, and you’ve let them pile up. Besides, I’m busy cleaning the other rooms.

Kobe: Look, I’m always cleaning up after you. You haven’t taken out the garbage all week, but I’m not giving you a hard time.

LeBron: I’m sorry if you’ve had to clean up after me, and I’d be happy to talk to you about the garbage another time(acceptance), but right now, I’d like you to do what you’ve agreed to do this week, and get the dishes done before Savannah comes over (circle).

Kobe: Man, you are always getting’ into my stuff and interrupting what I’m doin’ like my stuff isn’t as important as yours.

LeBron: I’m not sure I agree with that, but I’d be happy to talk with you about it (acknowledgment), but right now I really need you to take care of those dishes (circle).

Kobe: Yeah right. You’re always sayin’ you’re gunna talk about stuff, but you never do.

LeBron: I’m really sorry you think that way. I don’t know about the past, but I’ll tell you right now, I’m willing to talk about anything you need to talk about. (acknowledgement) Let’s figure out a time when we’re both available to sit down, while you’re startin’ the dishes (circle).

Kobe: Okay, man, as soon as I finish the game.

Remember, there will always be some people who just will not be willing to do what you request, but most of us, most of the time, unless we have some unfinished business, will tend to want to oblige someone who is letting us know how they feel and what they want.

Does this sound easy to you?

Difficult?

Impossible?

If it does sound difficult, I can promise you that it will get easier and easier to do as you more frequently do it.

HERE’S ANOTHER RULE

It is your right to say No.

WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY NO. That includes you.

Repeat this thirty times today: I have the right to say No. I have the right to say no. I have the right to say no. I have the right to say no….

If you are someone who has a problem saying “No,”

Remember to give yourself the space you need to make a decision, even if the other person wants an immediate answer from you.

“No.”

“No thank you. Not right now.”

“No, I’d rather not.”

“I’m not sure, but if you need an answer at this moment, then the answer will have to be no.”

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO.

While saying yes is a wonderful opening to the universe, saying No, when it’s in your best interest, can really be a lot of fun, too. FUN!? Riding a bicycle is fun for most of us, but it was also quite difficult for many of us to get used to doing it. Many of us would not call falling down and skinning our elbows and knees fun while we learned the riding--a--bike skill. This is just as true as we trip or stumble practicing the saying--No skill; however, with practice, you’ll be having fun, and contributing to a profound revolution.

To hold the word no in my mouth like a gold coin, something valued, something possible. To teach the no to our daughters. To value their no more than their compliant yes. To celebrate no. To hold the word no in your fist and refuse to give it up. To support the woman who says, no, no, no. I will not. To love the no. To cherish the no, which is so often our first word. No--the means to transformation. Louise Edrich

While YES is most certainly the answer to the question of life, the yes means nothing if we don’t experience the power to say

NO

I’ve included a partial list of rights here. After you read it, see how many you can add. Just keep in mind the caveat, “But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.” As long as the rights you list don’t do that, they can only help you and those around you to respect both you and themselves.

BECAUSE I AM ALIVE, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO:

Ask for what I want.

Have my needs be as important as the needs of others.

Take pride in my age and experience.

Be myself.

Say I don’t know.

Feel and express anger.

Be believed.

But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.

Make mistakes.

Have my opinions given respect.

Offer no justification for my actions or opinions.

Grow and learn.

Have privacy and personal space.

Say I don’t understand.

Say No.

But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.

Tell someone my needs.

Make illogical decisions.

Judge my own behavior, feelings, and thoughts.

Change my mind.

Say I don’t agree.

Be proud of my accomplishments.

Trust my feelings, perceptions, judgments, and intuition.

And…..

But I do not have the right to intimidate, manipulate, emotionally, physically, or sexually abuse another person.

CHALLENGES

So, let’s say you’ve practiced the assertiveness techniques over and over, yet when you need to use them you don’t. I suppose if I knew how to read a compass or use a GPS device but never left my house, my GPS and compass reading skills wouldn’t be very useful to me. I also might be quite rusty and somewhat unfamiliar with the most useful ways to utilize these tools if I didn’t often use them in the real world. We produce a similar situation with our assertiveness skills if we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to use them.

Recognize that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Assertiveness is insisting that you be heard; aggressiveness is insisting that you get your way. Not everyone should get their way, but everyone--including you--should be heard.

Sam Deep & Lyle Sussman

Like so much we’re told, it’s a lot easier said than done. Numerous clients, students, workshop participants, and friends have explained to me that if they don’t like themselves, if they’re afraid of conflict, if they think their feelings are not important enough, if they don’t want to create complications for another, it doesn’t matter how well they know the assertiveness steps, they’re not going to use them.

Many of us operate out of what’s known as a codependent position. Before we react to some-one’s behavior, we have to examine their motives. The idea seems to be, if I can understand why someone is jumping up and down on my toe, I can tolerate the pain. While in some very specific circumstances this might be of some value, overwhelmingly, our lives will be much more satisfying and fulfilling if we simply stay focused on what our own needs and desires are, and commit to communicating those to the other person.

“I don’t know why you’re jumping up and down on my toe, but it hurts. Please stop it.”

“But you don’t understand!”

“Maybe not, but you’re hurting my toe, and I’m leaving if you don’t stop immediately.”

There’s nothing inherently counter-productive in being willing to discuss the other person’s motives AFTER they have stopped doing the thing that hurts you.

Sometimes it’s easier for us to get this when we are thinking of another’s wellbeing. If you see your young child is hitting the dog with a stick, you don’t inquire about her/his motives; you act. After you’ve prevented further harm, you may choose to enter into a conversation. Remember to do the same for yourself as you would do for your cousin, the dog.

Any and all of us may have issues that keep us from fully using these skills, such as:

1.We’re not used to communicating our needs or desires directly.

2.We’re afraid to create a headache for the other person.

3.We’re afraid of a possible conflict.

4.We’re too overwhelmed; we just can’t handle facing anything else.

5.We don’t believe our needs or desires are important enough.

6.We don’t believe we deserve to get what we want.

7.We believe we’re destined to be hurt or disappointed.

The first of these challenges can be met by simply acting. The more we practice a new skill, the more natural it becomes.

2.We’re afraid to create a headache for the other person.

Because we are all brought up in this dysfunctional dominator society, many of us learn to become overly involved in trying to figure out what’s going on inside another person’s head. We get caught up in doing their inventory. For us to have a chance to get what we want, we must allow the other person to take care of themselves.

3.We’re afraid of a possible conflict.

Many of us associate any kind of potential dis-agreement or confrontation with anger and even threat of violence. Often that’s because we’ve grown up in environments where that was the norm, or we’ve lived in relationships with friends or partners who bullied their way through dis-agreements. Research has shown, however, that most of us, most of the time, will not respond in an intimidating or angry manner to someone telling us how they feel, and what they want.

4.We’re too overwhelmed; we just can’t handle facing anything else.

So many of our sensory systems are over-stimulated. We’re working more hours and sleeping fewer hours day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Often some of us feel as though we just can’t face one more emotionally difficult situation, and of course, we fear that asserting ourselves just might create that. Actually, once in a while it might, but if you assert yourself, using “I” statements and feeling words, and ask for what you want, you will usually simply increase satisfaction and decrease stress.

5.We don’t believe our needs or desires are important enough.

6.We don’t believe we deserve to get what we want.

7.We believe we’re destined to be hurt or disappointed.

Our childhood messages have sealed the deal. So many of us just have been taught that our needs are not important compared to others. We’re also taught that we are not worthy, not good enough to deserve satisfaction or happiness. We’ve been hurt or disappointed in so many ways that we believe we can’t possibly have a successful interaction where we actually get what we want. Disappointment and hurt simply are our destiny.

Well, here’s the news:

You

Deserve

To

Be happy

Just because people have hurt you or not treated you right in the past, doesn’t mean you deserved the treatment or are destined forever to be hurt or disappointed. You will increase your chances for happiness, though, by practicing the universal rule:

It is my job to make it as easy as possible for the other person to give me what I want.

A Couple Final Notes

Be sure to KISS a lot. No, I don’t mean lip and tongue touching with another, although it certainly can be fun to do that a lot, too.

You may have heard of a slightly different version of this:

K eep

I t

S imple,

S weetie

Sometimes people use another word instead of Sweetie, but it’s important to be nice, to be sweet, to yourself if you want your self-instruction to be fully effective.

When asserting yourself, try not to beat around the bush with explanations or long stories. More than one of two sentences before you start stating your feelings or asking for what you want, will cause people to become defensive or impatient.

Remember, It is my job to make it as easy….

Based on the work of Sam Deep and Lyle Sussman, I suggest a few more things to consider:

1.When you feel wronged, name it as soon as realistically possible. Delaying it only causes the eventual conversation to be more difficult.

2. Realize that when you don’t name your feelings, you are contributing to the destruction of the relationship. Sublimated feelings don’t disappear. You’ll begin acting negatively toward this person for reasons that neither of you may readily understand.

3. Never assume someone is trying to hurt you when their actions can be explained by incompetence--give them credit for being ignorant or insensitive. By being assertive, you may help them identify behavior they might be quite willing to change.

4. If you get a bad reaction to asserting yourself, analyze the experience. Learn from the result, and decide if you could do a better job next time. Don’t take the experience as proof that you should never assert yourself with anyone again.

OH, by the way, it is almost never too late to be assertive. Just because you couldn’t speak up when you would have liked, doesn’t mean you can’t do it

Now.

NOW

Direct Statement of Feelings Quiz

(D=Direct. I=Indirect)

1.Shut Up! Not another word out of you!

2.I’m beginning to resent your interruptions.

3.You’re a wonderful person.

4.I feel you are a wonderful person.

5.You didn’t come to see me in the hospital.

6.I’m discouraged.

7.I feel this job is miserable.

8.I feel alone and isolated in my group.

9.We all like this quiz.

10.I am frustrated by this weird quiz.

Answers: 1-I, 2-D, 3-I, 4-I, 5-I, 6-D, 7-I, 8-D, 9-I, 10-D.

More Gratitude: I’m grateful to Omar Vizquel, Robbie Alomar, and Kenny Lofton for their ballet on the field. I’m grateful to Victor for friendship and for helping me spark. I’m grateful to Amos, my colleague of over twenty years in the quest to help men become allies to women. Grateful to Bud Stern for guidance. To my clients for their trust, for the men who committed to the groups, for all the women who have tolerated and taught me. I’m grateful to the healers who grace the planet with their spirit and their love. I’m grateful for Lake Erie (into which I regularly flow), for stevia, flax seeds, and any plants I can enjoyably eat. I’m grateful to Jackie Wilson, Buddy Ebsen, Eleanor Powell, the Nicholas Brothers, Fred Astaire, and my dad for their moves. I’m grateful to Zann and Michael Franti & Spearhead for helping me car dance everyday….