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THE POETICAL WORKS OF ROBERT BURNS
CXVI. ON CAPTAIN GROSE’S PEREGRINATIONS THROUGH SCOTLAND, COLLECTING THE ANTIQUITIES OF THAT KINGDOM

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[This “fine, fat, fodgel wight” was a clever man, a skilful antiquary, and fond of wit and wine. He was well acquainted with heraldry, and was conversant with the weapons and the armor of his own and other countries. He found his way to Friars-Carse, in the Vale of Nith, and there, at the social “board of Glenriddel,” for the first time saw Burns. The Englishman heard, it is said, with wonder, the sarcastic sallies and eloquent bursts of the inspired Scot, who, in his turn, surveyed with wonder the remarkable corpulence, and listened with pleasure to the independent sentiments and humourous turns of conversation in the joyous Englishman. This Poem was the fruit of the interview, and it is said that Grose regarded some passages as rather personal.]

Hear, Land o’ Cakes and brither Scots,

Frae Maidenkirk to Johnny Groat’s;

If there’s a hole in a’ your coats,

I rede you tent it:

A chiel’s amang you taking notes,

And, faith, he’ll prent it!

If in your bounds ye chance to light

Upon a fine, fat, fodgel wight,

O’ stature short, but genius bright,

That’s he, mark weel—

And wow! he has an unco slight

O’ cauk and keel.

By some auld, houlet-haunted biggin,

Or kirk deserted by its riggin,

It’s ten to one ye’ll find him snug in

Some eldritch part,

Wi’ deils, they say, L—d save’s! colleaguin’

At some black art.

Ilk ghaist that haunts auld ha’ or chaumer,

Ye gipsey-gang that deal in glamour,

And you deep read in hell’s black grammar,

Warlocks and witches;

Ye’ll quake at his conjuring hammer,

Ye midnight b–s!

It’s tauld he was a sodger bred,

And ane wad rather fa’n than fled;

But now he’s quat the spurtle-blade,

And dog-skin wallet,

And ta’en the—Antiquarian trade,

I think they call it.

He has a fouth o’ auld nick-nackets:

Rusty airn caps and jinglin’ jackets,

Wad haud the Lothians three in tackets,

A towmont guid;

And parritch-pats, and auld saut-backets,

Afore the flood.

Of Eve’s first fire he has a cinder;

Auld Tubal-Cain’s fire-shool and fender;

That which distinguished the gender

O’ Balaam’s ass;

A broom-stick o’ the witch o’ Endor,

Weel shod wi’ brass.

Forbye, he’ll shape you aff, fu’ gleg,

The cut of Adam’s philibeg:

The knife that nicket Abel’s craig

He’ll prove you fully,

It was a faulding jocteleg,

Or lang-kail gully.—

But wad ye see him in his glee,

For meikle glee and fun has he,

Then set him down, and twa or three

Guid fellows wi’ him;

And port, O port! shine thou a wee,

And then ye’ll see him!

Now, by the pow’rs o’ verse and prose!

Thou art a dainty chiel, O Grose!—

Whae’er o’ thee shall ill suppose,

They sair misca’ thee;

I’d take the rascal by the nose,

Wad say, Shame fa’ thee!


The Complete Works

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