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INTRODUCTION

If someone you love has chronic pain, you, too, are suffering. Chronic pain has caused imbalance in your life, and although it’s not your pain, you live with it every day. Even people who are in good mental health and are well-balanced have difficulty living with someone who has chronic pain, yet there are few resources out there to help family members cope with their distress. That is why we wrote this book.

Pain Recovery for Families will show you how you can be nurturing, loving, and supportive to someone with chronic pain without losing your own identity; how to allow that person to take responsibility for his or her pain; how to be caring without being a caretaker; and how to communicate honestly even when the person in pain maintains a victim role or does not acknowledge your feelings as being equally important. This book will provide you with the principles and solutions you can practice to restore balance in your life.

Some of you may not identify with recovery because it’s a term that is traditionally associated with addiction. In pain recovery, we define recovery as the process of moving from imbalance to balance. The family dealing with the disease of addiction is very similar to the family dealing with chronic pain, because both illnesses manifest in imbalances in the mind, body, emotions, and spirit. This is true for people who suffer from chronic pain and addiction as well as for people in close relationships with them (spouses or significant others, parents, children, siblings, friends, coworkers). Additionally, many people with chronic pain develop problems with use of addictive substances to manage the pain, and both conditions need to be simultaneously addressed by the person with pain and by the family.

Examples of unbalancing effects chronic pain can have on the family include:

Loss of income/financial difficulties.

Endless doctor appointments.

Feelings of powerlessness.

Questioning whether or not the pain is real.

Increased responsibilities because of the pain person’s loss of function.

Effects of drugs the person takes for the pain.

Feeling abandoned at functions the person cannot attend because of his or her pain.

Surgeries.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Blame or resentment.

The Four Points of Balance

Pain recovery is a process grounded in balancing the person 1) physically, 2) mentally, 3) emotionally, and 4) spiritually. We use this framework to create awareness of the aspects of one’s self that, when they are unbalanced, lead to problems in life. The four points of balance will help you identify the areas where imbalance has caused unmanageability in your life. These points are, of course, interconnected. To find recovery, you must pay attention to every point and the effect each has on the others. Additionally, your relationships and actions are a reflection of your internal state of balance. Developing an awareness of the points and applying the necessary corrections to bring them back into balance is where the solutions to chronic pain and other life challenges lie.

Overview

Part One includes five chapters that will provide you with a foundation of knowledge to help you develop your understanding and allow you to assess your particular situation. Chapter One presents an overview of chronic pain, and includes information about medications commonly prescribed to treat pain and problems associated with traditional pain management. Chapter Two discusses the effects of chronic pain on the family system and the pitfalls families commonly experience, such as codependency and enabling. In Chapter Three, we delve into the complex and sensitive subject of addiction. Chapter Four asks you to consider the possibility that your loved one is addicted and offers guidance on how to navigate this difficult issue. In Chapter Five, we will explain the process of pain recovery and examine the concept of balance.

Part Two includes four chapters—one devoted to each point of balance—that will help you discover the areas where imbalance is contributing to your negative experience of having a loved one with chronic pain, and teach you ways to rebalance them, thus reducing your suffering.

Part Three focuses on your recovery. Once you have identified where you are out of balance, you will be ready to take action and implement changes. Chapter Ten focuses on your relationships, emphasizing the importance of good communication and of giving and receiving support for recovery to be successful. Chapter Eleven deals with actions and gives you an opportunity to create your own action plan for each of the four points to continually bring them back into balance. Last, we have provided a focused, long-term care plan to help you proactively stay in the recovery process.

To illustrate these concepts, throughout the book we present the stories of two families’ experiences with chronic pain, addiction, and recovery. You will meet Jim and Mary, married for over twenty years, and their two children, Mandi and Ross, who have all been struggling with Jim’s chronic pain since he injured his back at work. You will also meet Amy and Chris, a couple who enjoyed a happy relationship for four years before Amy’s diagnosis of fibromyalgia and escalating use of painkillers changed everything. We hope their stories will help to personalize the information you are learning in this book. Although your situation may be different from theirs, you will probably find that you relate to them a great deal, because the stress and difficult emotions chronic pain generates within families are similar no matter what the type of pain or the circumstances of the family.

How to Use This Book

This book is designed for you to write in, highlight, take notes on, and refer back to. It may be helpful for you to share portions of your work with a counselor, therapist, family member, close friend, sponsor, and/or other professional health care provider. Although each chapter is written to stand on its own, we suggest you start at the beginning and do not skip any chapters. Pace yourself and take breaks when you need to. If you find yourself stuck or having difficulty with an exercise, do not stop working; rather, move on to the next exercise and come back later to the one you are having difficulty with. Don’t be afraid to ask for help along the way.

Now your journey of pain recovery begins, and it is time to go to work.

KEEPING A JOURNAL

We recommend that you keep a separate journal or notebook as you work toward balance. Writing can be a powerful healing tool, especially when entering any process of recovery. Taking some time each day to write about your journey can help you identify thought patterns, express feelings, maintain gratitude, and monitor progress. Documenting your experiences will allow you to reflect on successes and will help you stay encouraged and hopeful.