Читать книгу Caught Up In You - Roni Loren, Roni Loren - Страница 8
ОглавлениеKelsey stared down at the sweat-glazed back of Hawk Nichols as he sucked in a deep breath, bracing for her next blow. She strolled around to stand in front of his prone form, making sure he heard her boots clicking deliberately along the cement floor of the dungeon room. She’d strapped him down on all fours along a padded spanking bench about half an hour ago, and he was already flying high. Keeping the braided leather cat in her right hand, she touched Hawk’s fingers with her left. They flinched slightly, still warm. Circulation was good.
She had to watch it with this kid. The twenty year old was the star receiver on his college football team, so pain was part of his daily existence. And he craved the edge of being under her hand, the place the pain would bring him. But she couldn’t trust him to call his safe word if she went too far. Once he slipped into subspace, the bulky athlete was as vulnerable as a kitten. She ran a hand over his damp hair, and he nuzzled her palm and moaned—the simple touch her reward to him for taking so much.
“You still with me, sub?”
“Yes, Mistress. Please,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “Please.”
She knew what he was begging for. Her flogging hadn’t gone to the intense place he needed yet. He was still hovering on the precipice, waiting to lose himself to it all. “You’ve done well tonight, sub. You know you’ll be rewarded.”
“Thank you, Mistress.” His fists flexed and released, flexed and released, the need quivering off him. His cock hung heavy and hard between his spread thighs despite the boot laces she’d used to bind his scrotum and the base of his penis, and she knew he had to be desperate for relief by now.
She ran her fingers along his spine as she made her way around him. He really was a beautiful guy, though still a little lost. They were only separated by a few years in age, but she felt lifetimes older. Hawk had this unvarnished innocence that she doubted many had seen. Big and intimidating in looks, most people probably gave him wide berth and never looked deeper. But he was as gentle a soul as she’d ever met. A gentle soul who craved a bit of brutality.
His father, of all people, had dragged Hawk into The Ranch a few months ago when he’d discovered his son had been burning himself with candle wax while masturbating. One night, Hawk had used the wrong type of candles and had used them too close to his skin. He’d ended up with second-degree burns in hard-to-explain places, and his father had dragged the information out of him.
Most parents would’ve probably hauled the kid into a therapist, thinking he was sick and self-harming. But Hawk’s father had been part of the scene in his past and, after talking with his son, had recognized Hawk’s behavior for what it was. He’d made the kid promise that if he took him to a place where he could get what he needed that he’d never play like that alone again. The next week he’d brought Hawk to The Ranch and had plunked down the hefty membership and session fees without a blink.
Ever since, Hawk had been a weekly client for Kelsey, and she’d grown quite fond of him. Though, her heart still broke a little each time she saw the guarded look in his eyes. She knew that besides his father knowing, this was a big secret for Hawk. Even his girlfriend, who he seemed to adore, didn’t know. Kelsey knew what it was like to keep those heavy secrets and wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
But she couldn’t fix that for him. She didn’t have that kind of power. But she could at least give him this. She released Hawk’s right hand from the leather cuff and drizzled warmed lubricant into his palm, then she squared herself up behind him, her heart picking up speed beneath the laces of her corset. She reached down and removed the bindings from the base of his cock. “You have permission to touch yourself, sub. But you’re not allowed to come until you’ve taken all ten of my strokes. You understand?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, his voice now shaking with anticipation.
Kelsey took a steadying breath. This was always the hardest part for her. She enjoyed the power and rush of being a top, but unlike many of her fellow doms, sadism wasn’t in her blood. She didn’t derive pleasure in giving pain for pain’s sake. She administered the pain because it was her job, and her satisfaction came from giving a sub what he or she needed. And for Hawk, seeing him let go for a few moments, getting some catharsis, would make it worth it.
She raised her arm high and then, using all her strength, lashed Hawk’s backside with the cat. The braided leather strips striped along his back and buttocks, the sound of leather meeting flesh filling the cavernous space and mixing with the thudding rock music she’d put on in the background. Hawk tried to rear up, the bench rattling a bit from his brute strength, and he moaned loud and long. His fist slid harshly up and down his cock as she landed the next blow.
She worked him hard over the next few minutes, her arm aching from the exertion and her skin going damp and prickly. Hawk jerked and writhed in his bindings, a caged beast on the verge of losing his fight for control. But the sounds he made were pure ecstasy, the intense pain launching him to that plane of nothingness he craved.
Kelsey landed the last hit and watched in fascination as her sub exploded at the precise moment she’d ordered, his body going stiff, his hips thrusting forward, and his release spilling over his fist as he fucked his hand. A man lost to himself and to the world for a few exquisite seconds. Freedom.
Beautiful.
For some ridiculous reason, she had the urge to cry. She dropped the cat to the floor and sank against the wall, sliding to a sit, exhaustion sapping her. She knew she should stay on her feet, stay in the position of power, but he couldn’t see behind him, so he’d never know. She pulled her knees to her chest, her body throbbing and aching with unmet need, but not for Hawk. She never slept with her clients. She didn’t even allow them to touch her. But seeing the intensity of another reach their sexual bliss often left her craving her own.
And tonight there was something even uglier pressing at her. Jealousy.
It wasn’t an emotion a domme should feel toward her sub. She was supposed to gain her satisfaction from his submission. And Hawk had submitted beautifully tonight. But as she watched Hawk lying there bound, breathing hard, and blissed out, she felt the ugly emotion creep up.
“Lady K?” he whispered after a few quiet minutes, snapping her from her souring state.
“Yes.” She pushed herself to her feet, turned down the music, and started unfastening the rest of his bindings. “You okay?”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.” He cleared his throat. “I was just wondering, how long before the marks go away?”
She frowned and ran a gentle hand along the angry red stripes on his back. “You know I wouldn’t leave you with anything long lasting, sweetheart. I’ll never betray the contract we set up at the beginning. Do you need me to stop leaving even temporary ones? There are other things I can do that won’t leave any evidence.”
“No, please don’t stop,” he said quickly. He turned his head to find her, his eyes still a little glazed and his hair flopping over his forehead. “I like seeing the marks. Sometimes … sometimes I jerk off again later after a session while I look at the markings in the mirror.” His face flushed at the admission. “But I’m … I’m going to see my girl tomorrow night.”
Kelsey sighed. “Sit up for me, Hawk.”
He followed her directions, and she handed him a towel to clean himself up and another to drape over himself.
Once he was covered and seemed to be coming back into his head, she asked, “Is this girl important to you?”
He kept his eyes down as he cleaned the evidence of what had just happened off his hand and thigh, shame obviously creeping in. Kelsey hated that, hated that he was still struggling so much with this part of himself, that the beast of guilt was such a relentless one. She wished she could just snap her fingers and take that hurt away from him. But she knew that road was going to be a long one for him.
“Yes, ma’am. I think I love her.”
She sat down on one of the chairs by the wall and braced her forearms on her fishnet-covered thighs. “Look, hon, I know you’re hoping I can beat this out of you, but that’s not how it works. You need to consider that these desires may not go away.”
His head dipped and his blond hair fell farther down his forehead, shielding his eyes.
“And I know there are people who manage to walk both sides of the line.” Like me. “But living a double life is not a fun option. Have you ever considered talking to your girlfriend about this? Feeling her out? You never know, she may be open to it.”
He snorted and shook his head. “Christina is majoring in elementary education and barely even curses. We didn’t sleep together until after we’d dated for six months. She’s sweet and innocent and … she’d be repulsed by me if she knew.”
“Maybe you’re not giving her enough credit,” Kelsey said gently.
He hauled himself to his feet and walked over to the hooks he’d hung his clothes on. He pulled on his boxers and jeans, then gingerly eased his Got Beer? T-shirt over his head, wincing when the material hit his back. “No disrespect, Lady K. But you don’t understand. You live in this world. I don’t. I won’t. I want a normal life with a normal girl.”
Kelsey tried to keep her expression placid, though the implication stung like little pieces of glass in her skin. I don’t want to be a freak like you. “I see.”
Hawk halted, his face falling, then he was crossing the room, getting to his knees at her feet. “I’m so sorry, Mistress. That … that didn’t come out right. I say stupid shit sometimes.” His expression turned earnest. “You know how thankful I am for what you do. I would never—”
“Shh,” she said, caressing his hair. He instinctively lowered his head and gave her invitation to stroke him. She knew Hawk hadn’t meant it to insult her. He was scared. And frankly, he was right. She didn’t have a normal life and never would. This week had been proof positive of that. She couldn’t even maintain an imaginary “normal” relationship without it getting fucked up. “It’s okay. And you’re right, I’m the last person who should be handing out relationship advice. I suck at them.”
Hawk lifted his head, his eyes a little wide. Probably because it was the first piece of personal information she’d ever shared with him—or any client for that matter. She was usually good at keeping the boundaries clear when not in a scene. “Is it because of this? What you do?”
She smiled. If only it were that simple. “No, hon. Not because of this.”
His lips parted as if he was going to ask more questions, but her look must’ve warned him off. He gave a little nod, bent all the way to the floor to kiss the top of her boot, then rose to his feet. “Thank you for tonight, Mistress.”
“My pleasure, Hawk.”
He gave her a shy smile, then before walking out the door he pulled something from his pocket and set it on the table by the door. Money.
A tip.
Even after all that happened this week, the simple gesture gutted her, cut right through her, letting everything spill out. She’d tried to have a real conversation with someone, and he’d paid her for it.
She didn’t know what was more depressing—the blatant reminder that she was only a hired hand or the fact that she couldn’t afford to turn down the cash. She leaned her head against the wall and tapped lightly.
But she wasn’t left alone in her ruminating for long. The door squeaked open a few seconds later and Marc, one of the managers, poked his head in. “Hey, Kelsey. Grant said to send you up when you were done with your session. He set aside a few minutes to talk to you.”
She blew out a breath and nodded. She’d made a request earlier to talk to her boss, but she hadn’t expected him to free up time so quickly. She wasn’t exactly looking forward to the conversation, but hopefully, this would solve her immediate problem. “Thanks. I’ll be right up.”
Kelsey sat in the cozy waiting area outside the office of Grant Waters, owner and operator of The Ranch, and tried to keep her nerves in check. She’d worked part time at the BDSM resort for the last six months and had experienced nothing but great interactions with Grant, but she still couldn’t stop her knee from bumping up and down. The man was downright intimidating, and she knew what she was about to ask was outside the rules.
A few minutes later, the door on the other side of the room opened and filled with the impressive outline of the tall cowboy. His girlfriend, Charli, stepped out from behind him, a little flushed-faced and sending an apologetic smile in Kelsey’s direction before turning back to Grant. She pushed up on her toes and gave him a quick kiss. “We’ll finish this … discussion later?”
“Count on it, freckles,” he said, tugging one of her red locks, his adoration for Charli like rays of warmth beaming off him. “Meet me in the barn when you get home from work.”
“You got it, cowboy.” A visible shudder went through Charli, giving Kelsey a good idea of what the barn would entail. Grant wasn’t considered the Master of The Ranch for nothing. He hadn’t played publicly since he’d gotten together with Charli, but Kelsey had heard stories of how intense of a dominant Grant could be.
And though she had a fair dose of jealousy over the couple in love, Kelsey couldn’t help but smile for them. She’d met Charli when Charli had first come to The Ranch and had liked her instantly. And she knew both Charli and Grant had gone through a lot to get to this point.
When Charli turned around, she headed Kelsey’s way and gave her a quick hug. “Hey, gorgeous, haven’t seen you around in a while. We should grab dinner soon.”
Kelsey returned the hug, standing up in the process. “Definitely. Give me a call.”
Charli gave her one last pat on the arm and headed out, leaving Kelsey with Grant. That alone was a testament to how strong of a relationship the two had. How many women would leave their guy alone with a chick in thigh-high boots and a corset?
Grant nodded in Kelsey’s direction. “Come on in, Kelsey. Marc said you wanted to chat.”
“Yes, sir.” She followed Grant into his office, the warm woods and stone of the room matching the rustic feel of the rest of the resort, and sat in the chair across from his desk. “I had a few questions about my position.”
He settled in his large chair and adjusted the blinds behind him so that there wouldn’t be a glare on her face. “Sure. Shoot.”
She clasped her hands in her lap, trying to keep herself from fidgeting. “Some things have come up in town again, and I think the only way out of them is going to be to move away for a while.”
His dark eyebrows lifted. “What kind of trouble, Kelsey? If you’re struggling with your sobriety, there are things …”
“Oh, no, nothing like that,” she said, her words rushing out. “This is old trouble that won’t seem to go away. I think I just need to cut my losses and start over somewhere else. But I need to have more of a nest egg to do that. I thought maybe I could start taking on a few trainees to earn some extra money.”
Grant frowned and leaned back in his chair, considering her in a way that made her want to bow her head. “The requirements for my trainers are very clear. Both sides of training are required. And you haven’t done the submissive part yet. Believe me, I understand why you haven’t been able to do that portion. After what happened to you last year, I can only imagine how frightening that could be. I wouldn’t want anything to trigger those memories for you. But it wouldn’t be fair or safe to make an exception. I need my trainers to understand and experience both sides firsthand.”
“Right.” She looked down at her hands, not surprised by the answer but disappointed. She’d tried to do the thirty-day submissive immersion twice now because being a trainer was more lucrative than being a part-time domme like she was now. But each time the day to start had gotten close, she’d cancelled at the last moment. And she hated that. Hated that her attacker still held any power over her at all. Davis hadn’t been a dominant, he’d been a sociopath and rapist who’d held her against her will, beat her mercilessly, and tortured her for the three days he’d had her. She obviously knew that wasn’t what submission entailed. Yet, she still hadn’t been able to take that step with anyone.
Grant sighed and leaned forward, setting his chin on his clasped hands. “Kelsey, can I be honest with you?”
“Yes, sir,” she said quietly.
“I hired you because you’d been through a lot, and I wanted to give you an opportunity to get on your feet. And I think discovering your domme side has helped you gain confidence that the men in your past had stolen from you. You’ve blossomed these last few months.”
Warmth gathered in her chest at the compliment. “Thank you.”
“But dominance is not your natural state,” he said, his eyes meeting hers. “You’re more than capable of being in that role, but I can tell you have to work hard at it.”
She frowned, his matter-of-fact assessment like a bucket of cold water over her head. “I don’t understand.”
His too-keen eyes evaluated her. “After a session, you don’t look satisfied or fulfilled. You look spent. And I know you don’t use your membership benefits here. The only people you dominate are the ones paying for the privilege. You don’t play with anyone for your own enjoyment.”
She glanced away, focusing on a spot over his right shoulder. Truth was, as sexually pent up as she could get, she never had the desire to take up one of the submissive members on their offers. She’d been abstinent since about a month after the attack. The first few weeks afterward had been filled with a backslide into drinking and far too many one-night stands. She’d been on a mission to erase the memory of that last person who’d touched her by having any and everyone in her bed. But after waking up hungover in some strange apartment, parked between a guy she’d picked up at a bar and his girlfriend, she’d hoofed it to her therapist and returned to The Ranch to ask for her job back. And thank God she’d done those two things. She didn’t even want to think about where she’d be otherwise.
Dominance really wasn’t about getting off for her anyway. It was a release of different sorts. It kept the hungry demons at bay—the whispers of old addictions, the threads of insecurity, the temptation to tumble backward and not feel. It centered her. “I just haven’t found someone who interests me yet.”
“Hmm,” he said, obviously not buying that ocean-front property in Arizona she was trying to sell. “Or perhaps you’ve got a longer and more important journey left on the other side of the equation, and what happened to you blocked you from accessing that side of yourself. When you first approached me last year, before Davis, you wanted to do the submissive part first. It was what you were drawn to.”
She shook her head. “I’m not a submissive, Grant. Men have controlled me all my life. I can assure you, I gain no satisfaction from being at someone’s mercy.”
“Or maybe you’ve met the wrong someones.”
“Well, there’s no fucking doubt about that.”
He gave her a kind smile. “I could see if some of the clubs in Dallas are looking for part-time dommes, if you’d like. You could earn extra money that way, though their screening processes for members are going to be more lax so you may get some jerks in the mix.”
She shook her head. The last thing she wanted were guys who thought dominatrix equaled prostitute. No way. As she sat there, frustration started to morph brick by brick into resolve. “No. I’m tired of this. Davis is dead and letting him haunt me means he wins. Fuck that. I need to try again.”
Grant watched her for a long moment, then nodded. “I’ll tell you what, darlin’. You find a dom you’re comfortable with to complete the other half of your training and when you’re done, I’ll be more than happy to let you take on a few trainees or a small class. And if you do well with those, I’ll even recommend you to The Plantation in New Orleans. They pay well and are looking for new trainers. It’d get you out of town and a place to stay rent free.”
A ticket out of town and more money? It was exactly what she needed. “That would be amazing.”
“Do you want me to ask Colby if he wants to take you on? Or maybe Kade Vandergriff? Kade’s looking for a sub, though I think he prefers one who is going to submit to the full experience.”
“No.” She adored Kade, but didn’t want to muddy the waters with a friend. She didn’t need to take the training to that level to get the benefit. “I’d prefer to keep sex out of the training.”
“Not a problem,” Grant said, making a note on a pad on his desk. “I’ll talk to Colby later and see if he’s interested.”
She wet her lips. Colby was a friend and a good guy. She’d assisted him in more than one training class, but the thought of submitting to him left her feeling hollow inside. However, the sooner she could get this done, the sooner she could put some real money in her pocket and get the hell out of town. “Thank you, Grant.”
He gave a quick nod, though he looked more resigned than pleased. “Anytime, Kelsey. But please make sure you’re truly ready to do this and that this is the job you want. I think you have potential to be a terrific trainer, but unless you feel a passion for that role, the position will drain you dry. A nice paycheck won’t fill in the gaps.”
She glanced away, her body feeling heavier in the chair than it had a moment before. The Ranch had been her saving grace after she’d recovered from the attack. It had provided her a job, structure, and a group of friends who had treated her like family. She loved the strange, alternative world that existed behind its gates. But despite the good people, the posh resort, and the luxury of the surroundings, she never felt more excited than when she was crammed in that tiny, hot kitchen at the Sugarcane concocting a new recipe and chatting with her customers. That was what put the froth in her coffee each morning. That and serving her favorite patron …
But that dream was going to have to be put on hold for a while. Culinary school would have to wait. Her life would have to wait.
Again.
Perhaps payment for former sins was never really done.
But at the very least, maybe she could put a vicious ghost to rest.
